After 5 years, he tells the truth...

[onehalfmunky]

My husband and I married April 2008. I am(and still to this day) a great step mom to his daughter (4 at time we married) from a previous marriage. We had a son 4 days shy of 2011. I was unhappy in my previous profession as a manager at the age of 24/25/26, but knew I had to work to make ends meet. I have a college degree and made more $ than my husband. In 2010, he had been honorably discharged from the Army due to a prior back and rib injury he sustained in 2004 while training for his 1st tour of duty in Iraq. He was required to repay the enlistment bonus he received just 2 years before, so our 2010 tax return of $6000 disappeared.

 

I was distraught the extra cash we were counting on was not coming back to us, but glad his military debt was much less. I think he took it more personally than he should have and got very down about his role in our relationship. He told me he felt like he wasn't good enough for me.

Fast forwarding to later in 2011, my husband had met a woman about 4 years younger than me at his work. Apparently they grew to become great friends. My husband had always told me he wanted to grow old with me and I was perfect for him, so female friends of his I did not see as a threat.

 

Our relationship began to go downhill late summer of 2011. He was constantly irritating me and pushed all of my buttons to make me mad at him. I worked 40+ hr/wk while caring for our two kids. His work hours were complete opposite of mine so I hardly saw him at night, or so I thought...

By Thanksgiving, my husband told me he knew I was unhappy (I just felt overwhelmed with life), that he thought we should separate. I spent the 2011 holidays in a blur. I had already reached out to my ex-boyfriend from college via text to see how his life was going.

 

I am very competitive and wanted to make sure he was just as miserable/lonely as I was. My husband thought I wanted to date him although I explicitly told him I had no intentions of doing so. By Christmas, my husband willingly moved out of our house. I was basically a single mom, with him only coming over a few times a week to see our kids (including HIS daughter from the previous marriage I was raising). I knew something was up by his behavior. He acted like he hated me for everything I was. I suspected a mistress and there were many angry texts exchanged accusing him off such infidelity.

 

I texted my friend (the ex-bf) occasionally, more to check in to see how things were going. My main focus was the kids and making sure bills were paid.

Nevertheless, the husband still stayed away from home even though I begged for his return and called him an abandoner.

My step daughter flew out to see her mother for the second week of her Christmas break from school. This ran over into new year's of 2012. I remember maybe a day or two after I had dropped her off, I did go to see my ex face to face to show off my adorable son and show how good of a mom/wife/adult I was despite a brain injury I dealt with while he and I were together. I remember he still lived with his parents which I thought humorous (my ex was 28 at that time). I talked with his sister for a long time, with his parents, and even him.

 

We never did anything of a sexual nature (no kissing, foreplay, oral) although I showed him my breast because I was nursing (still not in a sexual way). I left his (parents') house but did not feel the need to return as i was not seeking a relationship. By this time, my husband encouraged me to begin dating and seek another partner. I felt that going to talk to my ex and his family was the closest thing even though I told my husband that was ridiculous as I was too busy with work and raising our kids to focus on myself and my needs (emotional, sexual, etc).

 

My husband claims he saw my car at my ex-bf's parents' that night late Dec 2011. He said he knew I was cheating on him (although he was the one who began a special relationship with a female coworker beginning fall 2011). He never thought to call or text to see what was really going in. He just needed an excuse to cheat on me. I repeatedly denied his accusations of infidelity because I knew i wasn't doing anything and I didn't want anyone after the way he had been treating me for several months to this point.

 

When my husband made his assumptions, he resolved to spend New Year's as a bachelor. He claims this is the first night he was sexually intimate with "Nancy." I knew about her as he had talked a lot about her and even had her go to his family's Christmas party while he had told me not to go, convenient as such to cover his tracks. Although my instincts knew what was happening, my optimistic survival mode kicked in. I honestly believed that he wouldn't​ do what he confided in me just one month ago--sleep with another woman, completely different from me.

 

I had not been privy to much of this info since as late as last week. Since his revelation of his infidelity, I have asked many more questions and every time we talk, I seem to discover something new each time i speak about it. I am still putting together the puzzle pieces of our separation together.

As 2012 began, my work slowed down, and I was able to work fewer full time hours each week. This meant more time with the kids and at home. January 12' was pretty rocky concerning our relationship. My son learned to walk that month, so I was a proud mama and distressed wife. I contacted my husband more in a congenial manner and he asked me if I would be willing to take things slow and date him again. I agreed (I never wanted to lose him, he had moved out on his own accord).

 

The dates roughly started once a week where we had a sitter watch the kids. It was nice. I was very withheld and hesitant at first. By late January I would do things for him like fresh out of the shower oral, just no sex. These small sexual tokens may have confused him as he continued his relationship with "Nancy." He recently stated that when I would give him oral, he wouldn't want to be with her for a while. But admits he still would get with her in attempts to get away from me. I assume he felt that the grass was greener on the single side of life as his ex-wife had cheated on him while he was in Iraq.

 

He claims his roughly three months of sex-trysts with "Nancy" totaled to about 8-10 sessions--including at least two sessions of him eating her out :-((. He has always been one to not to get intimate until the knows he is ready for a deep emotional connection... that means he felt emotionally connected with her!!! About 10 times!!! This is what disheartens me the most and makes me the most depressed about our current relationship.

 

Eventually, he realized the backdoor bachelor life isn't all it's cracked up to be and he found out she wasn't all she claimed to be.

We "recommitted" ourselves to our marriage mid-April 2012. He told me whatever we did in the past we need to leave in the past, again hinting at his belief of my fictitious infidelity. I told him I stayed abstinent wile he was away but he reaffirmed "past is in the past."

 

I didn't push for more information at that time because I knew of the perils of the deep water I was wading. I told him to move back in and help with caring for our kids. Our sexual life revved up to how it had been when we were first married.

My husband showed me he would sacrifice much to keep our family of 4 together. He traded his tricked out Mustang that he spent countless hours and thousands of dollars on for a four door family car (Toyota Avalon). I was shocked as I knew how much that car meant to him (still have my suspicions he did things with her in it--although he denies it). Either way, he shed that burden. He moved to my hometown so we could have much better help with childcare(something I thought he would never do).

 

I started a new job as a teacher, leaving the stressful managerial world behind. He quit his old job (she got fired for being a slacker anyway) and began a new one in our new location. For the past 5 years, he has supported me through my attaining my teacher Licensure and Masters in Education. He is very proud of me for my recent accomplishments. He even acts like he loves me more than before our split, ever-complimenting his favorite features of mine. It is flattering and reassuring.

 

Everything that he has done since our split seems to make sense now that he has revealed his infidelity​ to me. He claims he wasn't comfortable telling me before he started making money close to what I do. Curious as I am, I want to know how good he treated his little partying pot-head girlfriend while he treated his postpartum wife like dog ****. I have asked him exactly what he did and how it felt compared to our sessions. He swears up and down he will never do it again, and i ask much better. To put it bluntly, I'm scared of the fact history has a way of repeating itself.

 

It it natural for me to want to know every detail while he wants to give me the bare minimum information? I just want to know why he would risk his life with a wife and kids to be single again?

I know this is long and drawn out, but I want to tell every detail to prevent things from being one sided.

Edited April 29, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Just a Guy]

Hi Onehalf, sorry to see you here. I wanted to ask you about the circumstances in which you first met your husband? Was it socially or were you introduced to him by a friend? Also how long did you know him(dated him) before tying the knot? What was it that attracted you to him?

 

During your initial days together did you ever, directly or indirectly make him feel financially inferior to you? This could have been through minor statements about money or dissatisfaction with the standard of your lives and things of that nature? Also, how long had your husband been divorced from his former wife and was their divorce amicable, so so or really ugly? I ask this because it is possible that he got together with you on the rebound and was not really ready for a new relationship so soon after his divorce. How was your relationship with your husband in those initial days? Was it really a honeymoon period for you or was it a bit of a dry time with both of you working and not having much time for each other? You say you were stressed out at your job because it was something you were not really enjoying but had to stick to because of finances. Did this stress play a part in degrading your relationship or were you able to maintain a facade of a happy lovey dovey wife which is what your husband saw?

 

Having asked these questions I have to also ask you what is the current state of your marriage? Are you truly happy and is your husband happy? What exactly do you want with these doubts and questions that seem to be on your mind? Are you ready to rock the boat and try and get to the bottom of it all? Have you tried IC to find out the nature or root cause of your worries? Think about things carefully because from what I have gathered from what you have written, you are currently in a happy marriage with a husband who is now completely devoted to you and the family. Something to think about! Warm wishes.

[anika99]

First you have to decide what kind of marriage you want. If you want a marriage where there is total emotional intimacy, radical honesty, and no secrets then you need to express this to your husband and see how he feels about that. I think he is likely still shielding the entire truth. I find it unlikely that a man would leave his wife and children for a woman he has never sexual with.

 

If you want every detail and total honesty from your husband then you have a right to ask for it but don't be a hypocrite. If you want honesty from him the you also have to be honest. That includes admitting that you reached out to an ex. That you visited your ex and showed him your breasts. I've never heard of a woman showing her breast to a man in a nonsexual way. It may not have been sexual to you but pretty damn sure it was sexual to your ex and you knew it. How did your husband know where your ex lived and what made him think to check up on you that night?

[deadsoul]

I want to make sure I understand... he didn't want to confess until he was making as much money as you? Otherwise, why now? And why isn't he being straight forward with the truth. You say he is only giving you bits and pieces each time you talk to him?

 

If I'm reading your post correctly (and I'm confused about some parts), you are learning new things every time you talk to him. This is why you want to know details. You feel like he is still hiding things.

 

I feel like a broken record, but here it goes: IC for you - and MC for both of you. I'm wondering if he needs some IC as well. Anyway, good luck and keep us posted.

 

As for the showing your breast thing, I'm not sure I understand why you mentioned that. You b/f your kid. Many women do it. Were you purposely pulling your boob out to feed your kid to show Ex what he was missing? If not (and that sounds ridiculous just typing it), it was just you feeding your kid. I don't get how that is sexual.

[GoldenR]

Your H is not H material. That's evident.

 

But the stuff with your ex-bf, I'll admit that I wouldn't believe you either. People just don't look up exes after their own breakups to "make sure they're miserable". And they for sure don't go visit them and their family just to catch up, again, after a breakup.

 

And the breast thing....come on. Adding that part into your story really raises my eyebrows. Why mention it if that's all it was? Do you remember where you were every single time you do that?

 

Heck....I'm not sure I believe you're telling us the truth as far as ex-bf is concerned.

Edited April 29, 2017 by GoldenR

[DKT3]

Logically, your story doesn't add up. I'm not saying your being dishonest, but move the timeline around some and all of a sudden it make perfect sense as far as your husband's behavior dictates​.

 

It's extremely unlikely for a cheating spouse to quickly move from the home.....it's far more common that he would leave because you wee communicating with your ex. It's highly unlikely that your husband would just happen to ride by your ex's house the one time you were there. It makes much more sense that he would happen by because you were there often.

 

In reading this, I honestly see two people who have displayed terrible behavior that makes a happy successful marriage impossible, yet you're minimizing your own behavior. The stuff with the ex is not only hard to believe but completely inappropriate even as you told it.

[Whodatdog]

Do I understand this happened 5 years ago, and since then he's been a good husband?

 

You want to dredge up the past why again? Isnt it more important how he's acted since that happened, so many years ago? I just dont see how dredging up old details will do anything more than cause misery. Isnt it better to look forward? Perhaps you have both suffered enough over both of yours bad behavior at the time.

Edited April 29, 2017 by Whodatdog

[salparadise]

I suspected a mistress and there were many angry texts exchanged accusing him off such infidelity.

 

I texted my friend (the ex-bf) occasionally, more to check in to see how things were going.

 

Nevertheless, the husband still stayed away from home even though I begged for his return and called him an abandoner.

 

We never did anything of a sexual nature (no kissing, foreplay, oral) although I showed him my breast because I was nursing (still not in a sexual way).

 

I think you're not owning your part in this unfortunate mess. Are you really expecting anyone to buy it when you refer to your ex as "my friend," and write off the motive for showing him your breasts "because I was nursing," plus all the accusation and conflict.

 

And all of this was five years ago, is that correct? If you two want this to work out, you need to quit doing the blame thing. You know he slept with her, he knows you were messing with the ex-bf (even if you didn't have intercourse). I think you both just have to relegate it to the past and focus on being loving and accepting in the present, and future. You may need the help of a counselor/therapist, individually and/or as a couple.

 

Holding on to anger and resentment is poison to a relationship. This is a choice even if there is emotion attached to it. You need to switch modes and put the past in the past if you want things to be great again.

Edited April 29, 2017 by salparadise

[Whatnotagain]

Once you are married you don't look up, inquire, reconnect, etc. with ex-boyfriends, especially if the two of you were intimate (you and ex-boyfriend). And visiting him and his family, allowing him to see you breast feed.....hell no, you go to another room where you have some privacy. But you were wrong to be there in the first place if you were actually trying to be faithful to your marriage. Emotional Affairs and Physical Affairs inflict the same damage, you need to know that, and the betrayal is the same. You need counseling and someone who can point out to you how wrong your behavior was. You need to stop casting aspersions on your husband and his conduct and take a look at yourself and your conduct. The moment your marriage became rough, you reached out to an ex-boyfriend, that says something. Seems a little tit-for-tat to me.

[goodyblue]

Sounds like you are looking for reasons to be unhappy.

 

Come on, you knew about the girlfriend, knew he moved out on you, knew he took her to the family Christmas party. YOU KNEW.

 

You went to check our your old boyfriend for an ego boost.

 

When you reconciled you agreed with past in the past and there it should stay. You don't have the right to ruin your relationship over stuff you knew.

 

If you are looking for a way out just be a big girl and leave. You say he has been wonderful since the separation, so this is silly, this looking for drama.

 

Either be happy with someone who treats you well or walk but don't use the past which you already knew about be the lame excuse.

[onehalfmunky]

Believe me, I'm not looking for more drama. Nor am I looking for an excuse to be unhappy. I am actually very happy in my relationship right now. We have recently moved to as close of a dream home as we can afford at the present. What sucks is we simply have a deep connection and many times he told me I was the only one. Knowing he tried to leave me just hurts. He said he was unhappy with who he was at that point and knew he didn't deserve me.

He never stated she was a girlfriend back then. There was a large group of coworkers he hung out with. Most of the information I gave in my post is recently learned info to me. I knew of her as more of a family friend since she was his brother's​ roomie for many months. It just stings after 5 years of amazing rebuilding our marriage to a stronger state to hear details. I know it wasn't as good for him. He described his nightmares, how he confessed to his grandfather who absolutely adore me. I think this in the end made our union stronger, it just sucks knowing how hard I worked not only at my job but making sure his daughter was clean and ready for school every day. She was getting eaten out and his dick while I stayed home lonely but making sure the kids were safe and cared for.

As for my ex, I now see how he wanted to keep me on the back burner as his last resort when he hit his 30's. I no longer communicate with him as my husband is my best friend and we can talk about anything together.

I just wish the nagging questions about details of their time together would disappear. Looking for advise in this forum as how to not let this new knowledge bother me more than it is. I am not angry. I know this was a long time ago. I by no means want a divorce, just peace of mind even though my mind is more knowing of a time that was rough.

[Just a Guy]

Hi onehalf, guess you skipped answering my questions. I think some of them are redundant in the light of what you have written in your latest post. However some of them are still pertinent to your situation and you would do well to answer them for yourself if not for us. I think the best policy for you would be to let sleeping dogs lie. If your husband is not engaged with his ex OW then you need to let things be. Warm wishes.

[sandylee1]

Leave it in the past. There are no guarantees in life. he's back now, you were separated then. Yes his behaviour was a bit suspect and yes, some men do feel insecure when they earn less than a woman, so I can believe that bit.

 

 

Don't focus on their sexual activities ....just leave it.

 

 

Was your husband following you during the separation? How did he happen to be in the right place to see your car at your Exs?

 

 

My only observation here, is that if my husband decide to up and leave, then he'd better take his child from a previous relation with him as I'm no unpaid childminder.... but that was then and this is now.

 

 

You're in a good place now. enjoy it!

[onehalfmunky]

Sorry for not answering some of your questions some other guy. I tried to reply twice but got signed out both times and all the content I wrote was deleted. Given the questions you asked, I basically gave an entire history of my sexual adulthood. Lol. Looks like what I post is boring. I try not to be too explicit as that is my nature as a teacher. ;-)

I am very reassured we are in it for the long haul. I just do not want anyone in my family or his family to know. I did need to get it off my chest by letting someone know, so I chose this website. I do thank those for their input ? maybe I'm such a snoozefest and that's why he wanted to separate. I'm hoping those thoughts and desires to know every detail go away.

[onehalfmunky]

To answer the question about the seeing my car at my ex's parents', I honestly don't think he did. He stayed away from me as much as possible and really had no clue what s going on in our house at that point. He told me he saw it there after I told him I went to see my ex in person one time. He needed to peg his decision to go outside the marriage for sexual gratification.

I know there were several factors that culminated in what I now know happened so if he needs a specific event to place the blame, I'll let it be that. It has been a long time and I know there are some people who cannot hold onto one specific partner for a fraction of that time. We just celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary and I want to keep it going.

[HereNorThere]

Your post isn't any more boring than the other ones. You're here because your husband had an affair and continued to lie about it. I'm not sure why someone would shame you for posting about it. The majority of us would be upset as you are.

 

The thing is, it's still bothering you because you know he's a cheater now. You're correct in your assumption that history does have a way of repeating itself. This is how he deals with conflict. The statistics show that people who cheat once in a relationship are way more likely to cheat again. That's a hard thing to deal with. Personally, I wouldn't take that chance but since you're going to, it's better to prepare yourself and watch your back.

 

I don't think it's okay to victim blame but I can see why other posters are giving you a hard time. There's a lot of red flags in your writing. First, men are more likely to cheat if they make less money than their wife. It's a fact, Google it! When you kinda shamed him about it, well, that was wrong of you. It would be different if he was an unemployed loser playing video games, but the guy was risking his life for a cause. I mean, that should count for something. Second, you totally try to paint yourself in the best light possible every chance you get. It comes across as a bit disingenuous. Third, when you say things like you're competitive and want to make sure other people are as as miserable as you, just wow. My spidey senses to me that you're probably a hard person to be married to. Sorry, but it's the truth. You've got to let go of your controlling nature. Truthfully, it sounds like no matter who you are married to, they would eventually end up resenting you because you're kind of a stick in the mud. No person is ever going to be completely honest with you if you aren't a safe person to confide in. Your husband knows that you're going to browbeat him with every piece of information and passive aggressively punish him for the rest of his life. I can't blame him for trying to protect himself.

[angelheart077]

Wow, this is a lot to of had happen and I'm sorry for the hurt y'all have both experienced. I'm sure it's left you both with some pretty deep wounds. You didn't mention if y'all had tried marital counseling? With issues this complex, it might really be a a help and could walk you through what is a healthy amount of "details". My prayer is y'all will be able to begin to rebuild a firm foundation of love and mutual trust and be able to save the marriage.

[onehalfmunky]

I never meant to shame him about him making less money other than the additional money set back that was taken as a military debt repayment. I am not bitter about it but as it got him out of military quicker.

Lol, I am a tough woman to be married to. I am a horrible housewife as I work 2 jobs. I cool maybe 3x a week and dishes don't get done every night. Beds are rarely made as well. I do focus more on the kids than him because he doesn't express much interest in spending extra time with me.

He has sworn he will never stray again and has taken several measures to show this. He traded his beloved tricked out Mustang for a family car. He moved from the city to the country where I'm from. He supported me through 2 years of college while I worked in my Masters. With all this being said, I'm believing him for right now although I agree. Definitely watching my back!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Onehalf, so is your marriage really happy right now as you seemed to suggest in a previous post? Just wondering. Warm wishes.

[onehalfmunky]

I feel that it is. We have both worked on our marriage much more so since our separation. He always let on like he was working for it harder than me because he sacrificed more to get our family where it is currently. I now know why. He has carried the burden of this affair, haunting his every day. I am still reeling after this new information and want to know as much as I can about it. I do not mention the affair as much as I did the first few weeks. We are still working as the info has come out.

He feels very bad knowing I didn't do anything while he was ****ing around. I'm just going to let it rest as it is and hope his nightmares of the affair go away.

[Just a Guy]

Lol, I am a tough woman to be married to. I am a horrible housewife as I work 2 jobs. I cook maybe 3x a week and dishes don't get done every night. Beds are rarely made as well. I do focus more on the kids than him because he doesn't express much interest in spending extra time with me.

 

Hi Onehalf, with reference to your post above I just wanted to know why you wrote as you did above? You sound peeved so maybe it was in response to someone's post. I only hope you did not mean it seriously as it would partially invalidate what you said in your post above. Thanks for any clarifications. Warm wishes.

[onehalfmunky]

Yes justaaguy, I was poking fun at the individual who said I was probably not fun to be married to and that I was a stick in the mud. I am who I am. No invalidation. I am solid in what I believe, moving on from past mistakes (of both my husband & myself). If my husband's affair was all that great and the OW was all she made herself out to be, he wouldn't be with me now.

We have things that haunt us all. Most of it, all in our minds. I rest in the fact he is here with me now, and we have both taken major steps away from our old selves.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Onehalf, thanks for the clarification. From what you have written it is clear that you are brimming with self esteem. I wish there were other BS like you who are comfortable with who they are and are not affected by the way others treat them. With self esteem comes a self assured and confident demeanour and I think that is one of the most important qualities that any one can have. There is another BS who is posting under the moniker Adreamwithinadream who would do well to emulate your example. You may have read her thread wherein she says she has a fantasy of wanting to cheat on her WH as a measure of revenge. At any rate I wish both you and your husband all the very best in moving forward with your lives. Warm wishes.