So very lost

[Coffeelove]

A few months ago I discovered my husband was cheating. He denied it, I tried to believe. It ended a little while later, but then recently started up again.

 

I have confronted him and he still denies it, even though I have proof. I have managed to hold myself together despite being so very hurt. I have told him I know the truth and he needs to end it with her or with me. He just keeps ignoring it.

 

I'm in a place where I have zero support, I have children so I don't feel I can just walk out, nor should I have to. I have seen a counsellor a few times which has helped but I'm so lost. So hurt and so alone.

[Mrs. John Adams]

what do you want?

[Coffeelove]

I want her to disappear and my life to go back to how it was.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Even if she goes away...your life will never be the way it was. You know that right?

 

It can be good again...but you cannot undo what has already been done.

 

Have you seen a lawyer?

[harrybrown]

letting him make choices is not working for you.

 

Go see your attorney.

 

Draft the D papers. He lost his right to choose you.

 

you can always stop the D if you decide to, but if he is not stopping all contact with her, why would you stop the D?

 

He does not get to have both of you.

 

I do wish you and the children better times. Your H needs to wake up.

 

How would he feel if you had an A? Hurts like hell.

[Confused48]

I want her to disappear and my life to go back to how it was.

 

I wish I could go back in time and stop my WS from cheating.

 

What realistic outcome do you want?

[Coffeelove]

I guess the realistic outcome that I want is for him to confess what's been going on, get rid of her and work openly and honestly on our marriage.

I'm so confused as he keeps saying he loves me and makes all these plans for the future, while I'm guessing he's doing the same thing with her.

 

I get strength and get ready to tell him to hit the road and then he drags me back in with his words.

[magnesium]

I know you are being strong at the moment, but this is going to eat you alive from the inside.

 

Everything has drastically changed.

 

An immediate step could be talking to a therapist who deals with betrayal trauma. Don't tell your husband...you need clarity and he is taking that away from you.

 

You need to process the emotions which can't be processed as long as you are in this situation.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I guess the realistic outcome that I want is for him to confess what's been going on, get rid of her and work openly and honestly on our marriage.

I'm so confused as he keeps saying he loves me and makes all these plans for the future, while I'm guessing he's doing the same thing with her.

 

I get strength and get ready to tell him to hit the road and then he drags me back in with his words.

 

unfortunately ...cheaters words mean nothing.....it takes action to rebuild a broken relationship. He can say all kinds of pretty things and make all kinds of promises...but until he DOES something to show you he is sincere...it is just more hot air.

 

Please see a lawyer and find out your rights. Please continue in therapy.

 

Talk to people you know and trust ...family or friends or even co workers....get some kind of support system in place.

[aileD]

What proof do you have? Did you show him the proof?

 

Out her to her husband, work, family.

 

Out him to his family.

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess the realistic outcome that I want is for him to confess what's been going on, get rid of her and work openly and honestly on our marriage.

 

The only way to do that - and there's certainly no guarantees - is by making him see the consequences of his actions. Right now there are none - you're still talking with him about "the future", living with him and probably sleeping with him.

 

If you want to change what's going on, you'll have to alter the dynamic in each of those areas. Expose the affair, disconnect from him and see a lawyer.

 

It's your last best hope ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

I'm so sorry for your pain. I understand that you want things to be different, but the sad reality is that it is not different. Unfortunately, your marriage and your life will not go back to the way it was before the affair. The trust has been broken and your marriage will never be the same.

 

At this point, you should think long and hard about whether you want to stay with a man who has broken your trust in this way. Do you really want to share your life with a man who has shown such little respect, and such little concern, for your children and your family that he has had an affair, denied it, and then refused to end the affair after being discovered? He has refused to put his family first and end the affair - in other words, he has made his choice.

 

Absolutely, your husband needs to understand that there are consequences for his behavior. He should be asked to leave and you should consult a lawyer.

Edited April 27, 2017 by BaileyB

[Coffeelove]

I know what you say is right. It's just so hard after 20 years. I'm terrified.

 

I know that if I ask him to leave and he does, then it's done, and I did the right thing. It doesn't stop it from being heartbreaking.

[zouz71]

sorry for your suffering ;

cheating destroys families .

can you please the details of the proof you have ?

what kindl of cheating it is ?

r you sure it is physical ?

 

is the women married ? have kids ?

[Coffeelove]

I have seen messages and bills on the credit card.

 

It's emotional and physical. She is not married and is a lot younger (no kids).

[Spring23]

I have seen messages and bills on the credit card.

 

It's emotional and physical. She is not married and is a lot younger (no kids).

 

I'm so sorry. What he did was unfair and gross. Please contact a lawyer ASAP.

 

Talk to friends and treat yourself kindly.

[MikeM 1028]

A lot of us here know how terrifying and alone one feels as the BS. I'm still in it and the feeling of betrayal and being alone is worst mind f@ck for anyone. but having the feeling of outside support, not from your WH, helps a great deal. If you're able, seek a counselor you can trust. This has helped me tremendously. The road ahead is very long and the hardest anyone has to go thru. With support and someone to talk to, you can make it.

Well wishes to you.

[Superchicken]

I can agree that a MC will help somewhat, BUT it wont fix the WH from stoping what his doing.

Just get a lawyer to draw up divorce papers.

This, I would hope will knock him off his high horse.

Until he stops seeing the OW, you cannot move forward.

Its not something YOU need to fix, its something HE needs to start to fix.

I think once the papers are handed to him, it will change the power of balance in your favour.

 

 

Either way, you really need to make a stance, and stick with it.

Back down, and you will forever always be regarded as obedient in his eyes.

Fight back tooth and nail.

 

 

Ted.

[Coffeelove]

Unfortunately, I live in a country where you [cannot] just file for divorce. You have to be officially separated for a year before you can file anything.

 

But I agree I need to fight back. It's just trying to work out how to do that when someone won't admit to something.

 

I'm not in a position where I can just walk out. SO that is not an option either.

Edited May 9, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
clarification ~6

[viatori patuit]

Move into the kids (or a spare) bedroom and stop speaking to him about anything but the kids. That might qualify as separation? If not, can you move in with family or friends?

 

I do not know which country you live in but exposing the affair might do something as well.

[aliveagain]

I am so sorry, my heart breaks for you and your children. You must remember one very important fact, when he chose this behavior he also chose the consequences that go with it, serve him the consequences. My interpretation of what you have written so far is he knows you won't do anything so he continues to disrespect you. Talk to a lawyer so you understand your rights, serve him, divorce takes time, he has until the day of the final decree to prove to you he is worth staying with. If he can't your still ahead because you find out now if reconciliation is even an option, why waste years of pain waiting for him to line up his ducks.

 

He makes really bad decisions so don't trust him to decide what is best for your family. There are things far worse then divorce, sharing your husband with some tramp is one of them. Sorry, but I am leaving that sentence in. Do what he doesn't expect, serve him. Once he see's what the divorce will cost him and the changes he will have to make to his lifestyle the sooner the fluffy clouds and rainbows will start to disappear. Affairs are fantasies, no one has bills to pay, no one's sh*t stinks. Time to stop being nice, start by throwing his sh*t out of your bedroom. You deserve a better man in your life not some part time husband.

[Coffeelove]

I meant to say I live in a country where you 'can't' just file for divorce.

[QuietDan]

I have seen messages and bills on the credit card.

 

It's emotional and physical. She is not married and is a lot younger (no kids).

 

It is like dealing with a drunk/alcoholic. He might be so convincing because he is in hangover mode or double minded when he is with you. But, it sounds like he is in full addiction mode at the moment, so, not really reliable or trustworthy at this point. He is probable no more than 5 minutes away from saying to himself at one moment "Never Again!!!", what he is doing is wrong, then, finding himself talking or texting or driving over to her place like a possessed person.

Finding out the Betrayed Spouse has contacted a lawyer, filled out the paper work and is filing for divorce, can sometimes wake a wandering spouse up to realize that he really might end up losing his long term life partner over something that is stupid, foolish, self destructive, and has no real future in it.

 

Have you had the opportunity or means to confront the other woman?

 

Sometimes, it can sort start to kill the energy that feeds the affair when it is out in the open and the affair partner has been confronted by an angry hurt spouse. Sort of takes all the fun out of things when the affair partner is made to realizes that other people really do get hurt and are angry for a reason.

Edited May 4, 2017 by QuietDan

[CM71]

You are not alone here. So sorry you have to go through this. The feelings of pain, loneliness, hopelessness, and being list are very real. We have all tried to find an answer to the question of "why." Unfortunately there is no answer. Take care of yourself and know that you will recover and be happy again. I hope these words bring a little peace to you.

[Mrscommited]

I've been in a similar situation but didn't have the benefit of knowing the affair was ongoing - I was told it was over and I believed him.

 

I have no doubt that your husband loves you and doesn't want to lose you BUT he's in the grip of a crazy addictive mind trip and he wants BOTH. therefore the only way to bring him to his senses is to deny him that opportunity. I unwittingly went through many months of "reconciliation" while my husband carried on his "friendship" (ha). You have the luxury of knowledge, so you can act. And this means getting tough and removing yourself from the triangle. I understand what you're saying about filing for divorce. Are you sure you can't petition for divorce on grounds of adultery? Can you get some legal advice? If proceeding with divorce isn't an option can you remove yourself and the kids from the home? Can you pack his belongings and take his key? Once he knows he stands to lose you he'll come to his senses pretty swiftly. Look at the number of men who ghost their affair partners once the affair is exposed. That's the norm.

 

Finally, although it hurts like hell at the moment, you won't always feel this way. Particularly once your husband is begging for forgiveness and telling you how the OW means little to him and it was all a ridiculous fantasy now that he's woken up.

 

Men very rarely leave their wives for mistresses. The real love is for you. The swifter you act, the sooner you bring this to a close. And I agree with the others EXPOSE the affair.