A letter to my Wayward Husband

[Mrscommited]

Hi, I'm new here. My husband confessed an 18month affair with a colleague back in July 2016. Said it was a huge mistake, wanted me not her etc. We'd been together over 27yrs, married for 19. Three kids. I agreed to work on the marriage and we had counselling. The whole thing was devastating but I had hope. Things went on for a few months but he didn't seem to return physically or emotionally. Then in November 2016 I found an email revealing the affair was ongoing. I also found out a lot of new facts about the affair that he had witheld in order to play it down. This of course was the final straw for me and I said I wanted a divorce. He agreed and said he would see how things went with the OW and we told the kids. Worst night of my life.

 

Early the next morning he said it was all a massive mistake and he would do anything to win me back etc. He moved into a flat round the corner and said he would work to prove himself. Things were good at first for a brief honeymoon period and then he started to want his space etc. You know what's coming next. I found out in early March 2017 that he'd continued to have contact with her although there was no sex this time. The reason I found out is because she sent me a nasty text when he dumped her for the dozenth time.

 

Again, he begged for me not to end the marriage, said he had always loved me and hated her, said it wasn't real, I am everything she isn't - beautiful, intelligent, a good mother, dignified, compassionate, honest. Swore it is definitely the end of the affair and he'd spend the rest of his life proving himself to me and the kids.

 

It's all such a horrific mess. My daughters don't want to see him. He still works with this awful needy manipulative OW who is constantly emailing and turning up at his office. He has offered to resign but it's a very specialised well paid job so hard to find another. He is vigorously job hunting.

 

Sorry for the long tale. I'd just be interested in views about whether experienced people on here think that it's possible he's being genuine this time. He has been a devoted husband and father. We were held up by all our fiends as a model of happy marriage. But my trust is shattered. I don't think I can believe it won't restart unless he was to do something very firm to burn his bridges with her. I don't know what. But perhaps meet her with me and say all the things he has said to me to her.

 

For now I will continue the separation and see if he shapes up. I've insisted he see a psychotherapist. I've suspended MC for now. He lied to the first marriage counsellor and lied to this one until a couple of weeks ago when he made a very full and frank confession.

 

We have some quite nice times together and he can't do enough for me and the kids. He has been upbeat - referred to the weight being lifted off his shoulders. But this weekend - three weeks since NC (if we believe him) his mood has plummeted. I do express my sadness and anger at length and give him a hard time. I mean he blew his third chance and I'm not going to pussyfoot round "holding" my toxic emotions as one counsellor advised.

 

Sorry for long ramble. Do people think it's possible to come back from this? Is it likely he's still lying? Could this three week mark represent some sort of peak withdrawal? Is he cool because he's back in touch with her and back in the fog?

 

Thanks to time and anti depressants I'm feeling stronger than I was but it's been a hellish awful time and the kids are badly affected at a critical point in their education. I've never done the "pick me" dance because he always decisively picks me - each time he's rumbled that is.

 

Thanks for reading. Grateful for views.

Edited March 26, 2017 by Mrscommited

[NTV]

You catch him lying and cheating for a third time and are wondering if you can come back from that? Absolutely you (singular) can and you will. You will go on to be the awesome person you have always been much easier without a leach.

 

How many second chances did this guy get? You're seriously considering giving him a third second chance? That's super nice of you. Super nice.

 

I think you knew the answer when you wrote this out. So why keep answering? Because you need to have the truth cemented in your mind when he tries the next magic trick a.k.a. boldface lie.

 

So here it goes.

 

The entirety of your marriage, the family you built, and all the things you have ever done for him combined... were not even a speed bump. He lives in a bachelor pad. He lied to you with a straight face and looked into your eyes the entire time. Didn't even blink.

 

Possibly add on any of the following. ..

They probably had sex in your bed. She gave him herpes and he got her pregnant. He pays for sex. She is not his first time cheating. He has a secret second family.

 

Okay that last part was made up, but you get the drift of what I'm saying to you. He does not love you. He doesn't care about you at all. He has shown you less courtesy than he would a homeless vagrant. Right now that snake is your enemy.

 

Which is a pity. Because if half of how he described you is true then you are worthy of a man devoting his life to being with you and loving you and treating you right.

 

You will get through this. I've been betrayed. I know the pain. I get it. I spent my time alternating between being a puddle on the floor and looking at a million broken pieces of myself. I get what you're doing. Holding on to a mirage in the desert because you feel like it's the only hope you have. Truth is that it's gonna hurt like hell no matter what you do. Giving him another chance to hurt you more... He will. He will keep stabbing you in the back as long as you let him.

[somanymistakes]

Is it likely he's still lying? Well, he's been still lying every other time in the past, hasn't he?

 

Goodness only knows what a number he's done on the head of the other woman. You may see her as crazy, clingy, and manipulative, but even from what little you've said it's easy to see how he's pulling her strings, leading her on, lying to her, pushing her away and then pulling her back, until she's so twisted up she can't see straight. And he doesn't give the impression of having much shame for what he's doing to either of you. He pretends to be sorry, if it serves his interests, but he isn't.

 

You could try to get him to make a public production of telling her how little she means to him - but then he'll go behind your back to reassure her that it just proves how kuh-razy his wife is that she'd make him do that.

 

He's not in a fog. He knows what he's doing. Don't let him keep doing it.

[wmacbride]

It doesn't sound like you can trust him, and that all it will take is a text, note or even longing look from the ow and he will come running.

 

It also sounds like trying to reconcile is more stressful that going your separate ways.

 

think of it this way. Every time you sleep with him, kiss him or even hold his hand and cuddle, he ill be touching you with hands, mouth or otherwise that has recently been with another woman. That's pretty nasty. He's also exposing you to the potential of all kinds of crap from the ow, as was evidenced by her nasty text. Does he know about that? if so, what did he say?

 

If he cares about you,how can he continue to expose you to this sort of pain.

 

 

As of the ow, what he told her and how she is feeling are not relevant to you. She got involved with a married guy, so what on earth did she think was going to happen?

[wmacbride]

Is it likely he's still lying? Well, he's been still lying every other time in the past, hasn't he?

 

Goodness only knows what a number he's done on the head of the other woman. You may see her as crazy, clingy, and manipulative, but even from what little you've said it's easy to see how he's pulling her strings, leading her on, lying to her, pushing her away and then pulling her back, until she's so twisted up she can't see straight. And he doesn't give the impression of having much shame for what he's doing to either of you. He pretends to be sorry, if it serves his interests, but he isn't.

 

You could try to get him to make a public production of telling her how little she means to him - but then he'll go behind your back to reassure her that it just proves how kuh-razy his wife is that she'd make him do that.

 

He's not in a fog. He knows what he's doing. Don't let him keep doing it.

 

What he is telling the ow is irrelevant. That is not he op's circus and not her monkeys. Just a anyone else in this triangle has choices, so does the ow, and if she is hurting then she should extricate herself.

[whichwayisup]

The A is not over, it's still an EA. Fact is, he continuously ends it with her but goes back. Not because he loves her, because he's passionate and addicted to how she makes him feel even though it's unhealthy and damaging. NONE of this has anything to do with you. It's all about him and needs. He very well may love you and want to stay married but he's incapable of doing what is required to make the marriage work again and for you to regain trust in him.

 

I say still stick with your separation, don't let him be at home. HE has to do counseling on his own and fix the broken parts of him first. Don't waste another cent on MC with him, it's pointless.

 

HE has to find another job. As long as they work together your marriage doesn't stand a chance. The trust is gone and rightfully so since 3 times and counting he's lied to you and said the A is over.

[road]

This marriage can be saved but not until either he or the OW

quit working together.

 

 

You need to expose this affair at the work place. Write to the

CEO and the director of human resources telling them about

how WH and OW are having an affair at work at then ask the

CEO and HR what steps are they going to take to end this

affair.

 

 

You have to decide which is more important saving a marriage

or saving a job.

[Starswillshine]

Is it likely he's still lying? Well, he's been still lying every other time in the past, hasn't he?

 

Goodness only knows what a number he's done on the head of the other woman. You may see her as crazy, clingy, and manipulative, but even from what little you've said it's easy to see how he's pulling her strings, leading her on, lying to her, pushing her away and then pulling her back, until she's so twisted up she can't see straight. And he doesn't give the impression of having much shame for what he's doing to either of you. He pretends to be sorry, if it serves his interests, but he isn't.

 

You could try to get him to make a public production of telling her how little she means to him - but then he'll go behind your back to reassure her that it just proves how kuh-razy his wife is that she'd make him do that.

 

He's not in a fog. He knows what he's doing. Don't let him keep doing it.

 

I'm always perplexed when someone brings up the OW to the BW as if she should care about her?

 

Pretty insensitive. The OW picked her path when she involved herself with a married man. BW surely did not pick this path.

[somanymistakes]

What he is telling the ow is irrelevant. That is not he op's circus and not her monkeys. Just a anyone else in this triangle has choices, so does the ow, and if she is hurting then she should extricate herself.

 

Oh, the OP definitely doesn't need to take care of the other woman, that's not her business. However, thinking about what he's saying to her reinforces just how two-faced the husband is being.

 

It's a very clear reminder that he is a liar. Persistently. He cannot, and should not, be trusted. That was the whole point I was trying to make.

Edited March 26, 2017 by somanymistakes

[Starswillshine]

I can so relate, on all of this. The only thing is OW is not a co-worker.

 

I, personally, don't think it is possible to recover from it. All the lies, the betrayals, the seeing me fall apart and then continuing on, etc. etc. I don't know that I could EVER be in a place where I could trust him or feel safe again. Regardless if he is the model husband afterwards.

 

I love my H with all my heart, but I am starting to believe it is time to cut my losses and stop wasting time. It's been 19 years already.

 

I have stood by the side of trying to do everything I could to save our marriage, so that when I walked away, I could feel I did everything. And I wanted to make sure I am making the right decision. I am still having a VERY hard time pulling the plug and making that hard decision, but I think we have no other choice.

 

Whatever YOU decide you can endure and fight for, good luck! And hugs!

[Raena]

Is it possible he's still lying... well yes it is and he's proven to you that he's capable of lying to your face.

 

I don't usually recommend reconciliation after an affair simply because it takes a great deal of work to fully reconcile. You both have to be completely dedicated to making this work. Him lying to counselors, still working with the OW and living separate from you indicates that he isn't willing to do what it takes to fix this. Research and read up on how to reconcile after an affair and you'll see what I'm talking about. It takes a lot of work/effort from both of you to get past it. If you just sweep it under a rug and try to pretend it didn't happen without addressing the anger, sadness, distrust, triggers, plan for the future over and over again then it won't work.

 

Give yourself some time to sit back and think about this. Right now you are in emotional turmoil and your entire household is in upheaval. I wouldn't recommend making any decisions just yet. Focus on you and your kids needs.

[Purepony]

You catch him lying and cheating for a third time and are wondering if you can come back from that? Absolutely you (singular) can and you will. You will go on to be the awesome person you have always been much easier without a leach.

 

How many second chances did this guy get? You're seriously considering giving him a third second chance? That's super nice of you. Super nice.

 

I think you knew the answer when you wrote this out. So why keep answering? Because you need to have the truth cemented in your mind when he tries the next magic trick a.k.a. boldface lie.

 

So here it goes.

 

The entirety of your marriage, the family you built, and all the things you have ever done for him combined... were not even a speed bump. He lives in a bachelor pad. He lied to you with a straight face and looked into your eyes the entire time. Didn't even blink.

 

Possibly add on any of the following. ..

They probably had sex in your bed. She gave him herpes and he got her pregnant. He pays for sex. She is not his first time cheating. He has a secret second family.

 

Okay that last part was made up, but you get the drift of what I'm saying to you. He does not love you. He doesn't care about you at all. He has shown you less courtesy than he would a homeless vagrant. Right now that snake is your enemy.

 

Which is a pity. Because if half of how he described you is true then you are worthy of a man devoting his life to being with you and loving you and treating you right.

 

You will get through this. I've been betrayed. I know the pain. I get it. I spent my time alternating between being a puddle on the floor and looking at a million broken pieces of myself. I get what you're doing. Holding on to a mirage in the desert because you feel like it's the only hope you have. Truth is that it's gonna hurt like hell no matter what you do. Giving him another chance to hurt you more... He will. He will keep stabbing you in the back as long as you let him.

 

That's not true people can change

I applaud you for giving him a chance because you value your marriage yes he screwed up but this is one side of the story

 

When two people cheat I think it's the result of something in the relationship

[harrybrown]

he is like an addict.

 

he must be completely N/C to get away from his addiction.

 

he lost his family due to his addiction.

 

I think it would help if you spoke to your attorney.

 

right now the MC is a waste of time.

 

Sorry for your and your families pain.

[aileD]

It can be repaired. Don't let people tell you it's impossible.

 

It's just very very difficult and a long process of 2-5 years where both of you need to be 100% vested in recovery.

 

It's not uncommon for the back and forth to happen....it's not good, but it's not uncommon. But it shows that his selfish needs are a little more important if he's going back and forth.

 

If he's serious, he needs to quit his job. The affair needs to be exposed to his family (not yours) and his work and the other woman's husband or family if she has one. This does two things. Holds him accountable, and stops the affair..

 

Stay separated and he's got to prove he can change

 

Whoever said he stuff about addiction above....believe it. It IS an addiction. Be ware of that and treat it the same way: Stop Cold turkey, become accountable, change friends and Jobs and therapy therapy therapy so you don't end up here again in 10 years

 

It's not a lost cause, there is good in everything. But don't be fooled that it's easy. It's not. Odds are against you. But it can happen

[Simple Logic]

This marriage can be saved but not until either he or the OW

quit working together.

 

 

You need to expose this affair at the work place. Write to the

CEO and the director of human resources telling them about

how WH and OW are having an affair at work at then ask the

CEO and HR what steps are they going to take to end this

affair.

 

 

You have to decide which is more important saving a marriage

or saving a job.

 

And what exactly do you expect the employer do? There no allegation of sexual harrassment. The employer is not the marriage police.

[mikeylo]

How can a third chance be a second chance ? Its probably an ultimatum.Keep him on probation for a very long time to come.How he proves himself is ALL on him.You need to just sit and let him do all the work. You did yours by giving him chances.

 

The OW is manipulating him because she knows how to push his buttons.He needs to stop her.How he does that is his problem, not yours.

 

Either he or she , needs to quit the workplace and then complete NC.One of them has to pay the price.

 

I agree to a certain extent that its possible that OW is manipulative. If he knows now, then he needs to be a man now atleast and stop being a little boy.

 

Time will tell if he really is devoted to you or not. He was getting both you and her and had to be a happy man! Now with just you, how long can he go, that you need to see. He may be the kind of guy who cant be happy with one woman.

[road]

And what exactly do you expect the employer do? There no allegation of sexual harrassment. The employer is not the marriage police.

 

You are showing possible too much youth

not enough live experience, knowledge, or

any combination of these three.

 

 

Many workplaces have policies against work

place affairs and there has no need for any

claim of sexual harassment.

 

 

These policies are in place form many reasons

and violations will result in being terminated.

 

 

Termination results in no more work place

contact so it helps to establish NC. Which is

needed to end the affair.

[NTV]

That's not true people can change

I applaud you for giving him a chance because you value your marriage yes he screwed up but this is one side of the story

 

When two people cheat I think it's the result of something in the relationship

 

People change when they are FORCED to change. If this were drugs and not another woman he'd be stealing a TV right now to pawn.

 

Some people are very hopeful when it comes to a cheating spouse. They want to believe their lies. They want to think the best of their straying partner---who doesn't want to think the best of those they love?

 

But rose colored glasses right now won't help. He's pulling back from the third offer of reconciliation. The time for the carrot has passed. Now is the time for the stick. (Metaphor please nobody beat their partners with a stick lol).

 

But original poster (OP) is kind and loving and compassionate. The triats everyone(well... Most people anyways) want in a partner. Telling her it could work out might be true. But that's only going to bring out more of her compassion when right now she needs to reach for her righteous anger.

 

(note: I said RIGHTEOUS anger.... righteous anger does not commit crimes.)

 

"You have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it" is absolutely true in my experience. The heartache comes when you find yourself willing to lose it and knowing it could be saved but are not sure if you really want to after all it took to get to that point. But that decision is down the road for this betrayed wife poster.

 

Her husband is still blind to the extent of the pain he has caused. Until he gets the stick he will continue to have one foot out the door of the marriage.

[aileD]

You are showing possible too much youth

not enough live experience, knowledge, or

any combination of these three.

 

 

Many workplaces have policies against work

place affairs and there has no need for any

claim of sexual harassment.

 

 

These policies are in place form many reasons

and violations will result in being terminated.

 

 

Termination results in no more work place

contact so it helps to establish NC. Which is

needed to end the affair.

 

Yes and companies don't like hiring people with little to no integrity. If you can hear on your marriage you can steal office supplies and or money or whatever as it shows a lack of integrity.

 

I'd totally fire anyone that I found out cheated and worked for me. If his wife can't trust him than neither can I

[Whoknew30]

I always think it's a bit amusing when a BS has to add how others viewed their marriage...what does that have to do with anything?

 

You want him to go to a psycho therapist for what reason? He keeps doing this to you bc you & OW are allowing it. Now I agree you shouldn't care anything about OW but take a good look, you're just as needy & sad as she's being bc you continue to give him a platform to lie & mess with you.

 

You have to what's best for you...you mentioned you have daughters, would your advice to them in the same situation be what you're doing?

 

I'm all about reconciliation when a couple can but in this situation, you need to let him go a 100% & then sit back & see how he behaves...that's the only way you're going to know, where he's really coming from...when he doesn't have you as a option...& in the mean time, worry about your own therapy to why you're allowing this in your life. Good luck

[Mrscommited]

Thanks for your replies. A range of views.

 

2nd time round I did expose the affair to his colleagues, our families and friends, everyone. I really thought that would put a stop to it. I don't know how she could take the public humiliation and still carry it on. Desperate and very lonely I think. and with very low self esteem. Anything was better than nothing.

 

He was a good Dad and husband before all this. Very family oriented and exceptionally hard working at work and home. He has appeared quite mentally unwell during the affair but seems better now. Looking back, he went downhill each time he renewed contact with her.

 

We've had so many good years that it's hard to give up on the idea of reconciliation. But I'm holding my positive emotions back because I'm scared of getting burned yet again. for the same reason, I can't let him move back in even though he is desperate to do so. But the point of the separation was for him to prove himself. All he's proved so far is that he keeps having contact with her. He swears it's all over this time and I'm told all affairs fizzle out.

 

I suppose I'd like to know what are the signs that it really is different this time?

[Purepony]

I'm just thinking out loud here..

if he he's an iPhone and you I clouded ? You could see everything he texts, emails and takes pics of I believe no ?

 

You can also set a location service to track his exact location any time through the day... would any of this help you or make you feel somewhat better ?

[Mrscommited]

I always think it's a bit amusing when a BS has to add how others viewed their marriage...what does that have to do with anything?

 

You want him to go to a psycho therapist for what reason? He keeps doing this to you bc you & OW are allowing it. Now I agree you shouldn't care anything about OW but take a good look, you're just as needy & sad as she's being bc you continue to give him a platform to lie & mess with you.

 

You have to what's best for you...you mentioned you have daughters, would your advice to them in the same situation be what you're doing?

 

I'm all about reconciliation when a couple can but in this situation, you need to let him go a 100% & then sit back & see how he behaves...that's the only way you're going to know, where he's really coming from...when he doesn't have you as a option...& in the mean time, worry about your own therapy to why you're allowing this in your life. Good luck

 

 

Yes, that's what I've been doing. I separated and got on with the kids and work and getting better from the trauma. I don't think I've given him a platform by excluding him from the family.

My predicament now is that he's saying it's all over and she's out of his system and he wants to come home. I have no intention of allowing him home at the moment. But wouldn't rule it out in the future if he proved himself. But how will I know? He's showering me with love, flowers, gifts and lots of practical help. He's desperate to book a family holiday etc. How long do I hold back and how will I know if/when it's safe? It's too soon just now for sure. He's offered to resign too. I'd quite like to downsize but the kids love their home and have been through enough. I don't think losing one salary is a good idea.

 

And as for commenting on how others viewed our marriage. It seems relevant to me because they could see how happy and stable we were. It was obvious. If it was a crappy marriage I'd have seen this as an opportunity to walk away completely wouldn't I?

[Mrscommited]

I'm just thinking out loud here..

if he he's an iPhone and you I clouded ? You could see everything he texts, emails and takes pics of I believe no ?

 

You can also set a location service to track his exact location any time through the day... would any of this help you or make you feel somewhat better ?

 

Thanks. Yes, he's got the tracker on so I always know where he is. They had been meeting for coffee at work. He offered to set up my macbook to mirror his phone but he could always use his laptop, his work PC. Any other suggestions gratefully received. I've never been comfortable with being his jailer though - it has to come from him. The hard thing is that it's impossible to prove that something hasn't happened so I don't know how i'll ever know if it's truly over after two resurrections.

[mikeylo]

And as for commenting on how others viewed our marriage. It seems relevant to me because they could see how happy and stable we were. It was obvious. If it was a crappy marriage I'd have seen this as an opportunity to walk away completely wouldn't I?

 

The point you are missing is that HE was happy as HE was getting one committed woman at home who was loyal , honest etc and loved him AND on the side , he had another woman who f@cked his mind out with whatever he and she wanted. When he came home after being with her, he was satisfied. You gave him what she didnt but not vice versa. He wanted it all .

 

How would you know this time ? To be honest, you cant.

 

He can get a new phone for all you know.