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BHs do you cut ties with children after separating?


BlueParrot

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Last time I posted we were making a miserable attempt at repairing our marriage after my A. But the truth was the A never stopped. I was always one foot out. Repeated discoveries by H of this breach of trust. Finally he had enough and moved out and currently we are mediating for division of assets before we finally cut the chord. I'm still with my AP but not moved in together.

 

I will be forever sorry for causing this pain to break up my family like this. But what is happening now can't surely be down to me? For the last 1 month H has completely stopped meeting our kids. He has floundered on every visits citing one excuse after the other and only talks to them via phone (which I facilitate). He is completely out of their lives now. In this last month he has not even visited our kids school programs. My kids are devastated and angry too. They can't believe or understand why daddy won't give them anymore time.

 

In the meanwhile I hear from friends he is kind of binge dating. Which boils me with anger. He has time for dates but not his children?! He has a father first of all who has responsiblities. Not interacting with me I can understand. I can understand that if he wants to delete me from his past. But what is his kids' fault? why is he trying to punish them?

 

I ask this questions and we have fights the few time we talked. I very much want him to have equal access to them. He was a great father to them before. I suggested ways of drop offs where he doesn't have to see me. He just goes on the line that too much is going on in his life right now where he is failing with the appointments.

 

How do I deal with this situation? Despite their hurt I know my kids miss their daddy and it breaks my heart

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Don't get me wrong as i absolutely do not endorse this however....

 

I can see that he likely sees the kids as extensions of you and what you have done. The are a reminder of the marriage and likely trigger him every time he sees them. The fact that you continued to do what you did, certainly didn't help.

 

Please take ownership of the demise of the family unit and damage you did to your soon to be ex and also the family unit as this is on you. Again, he should begin some IC but the kids wouldn't be in this situation had you not instigated this situation....you being critical of him is unbelievable....

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Last time I posted we were making a miserable attempt at repairing our marriage after my A. But the truth was the A never stopped. I was always one foot out. Repeated discoveries by H of this breach of trust. Finally he had enough and moved out and currently we are mediating for division of assets before we finally cut the chord. I'm still with my AP but not moved in together.

 

I will be forever sorry for causing this pain to break up my family like this. But what is happening now can't surely be down to me? For the last 1 month H has completely stopped meeting our kids. He has floundered on every visits citing one excuse after the other and only talks to them via phone (which I facilitate). He is completely out of their lives now. In this last month he has not even visited our kids school programs. My kids are devastated and angry too. They can't believe or understand why daddy won't give them anymore time.

 

In the meanwhile I hear from friends he is kind of binge dating. Which boils me with anger. He has time for dates but not his children?! He has a father first of all who has responsiblities. Not interacting with me I can understand. I can understand that if he wants to delete me from his past. But what is his kids' fault? why is he trying to punish them?

 

I ask this questions and we have fights the few time we talked. I very much want him to have equal access to them. He was a great father to them before. I suggested ways of drop offs where he doesn't have to see me. He just goes on the line that too much is going on in his life right now where he is failing with the appointments.

 

How do I deal with this situation? Despite their hurt I know my kids miss their daddy and it breaks my heart

 

You broke your BH more then you will ever comprehend. He needs to have

NC with you more then he needs to see his kids. The pain from continued

contact is why he has given up seeing his kids. He needs to avoid contact

with you at all costs.

 

The thoughts that you have caused to run through his mind now are

unlimited. He thinks this may not be your first affair. Those kids, he may

not be the dad, and so on.

 

His dating binge is his medicating himself as the result of your affair.

There are better ways to deal with pain but your BH can not see this

at this time.

 

You feel the pain for your kids and it breaks your heart. Do you feel the

pain you did to your BH's heart?

 

Does BH's pain break your heart too?

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somanymistakes

I can see that he likely sees the kids as extensions of you and what you have done. The are a reminder of the marriage and likely trigger him every time he sees them. The fact that you continued to do what you did, certainly didn't help.

 

This would make sense if it weren't just as often the CHEATER who decides to break all contact with his kids after ending the marriage...

 

(Yes, I have daddy issues, can you tell?)

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This would make sense if it weren't just as often the CHEATER who decides to break all contact with his kids after ending the marriage...

 

(Yes, I have daddy issues, can you tell?)

 

Sorry about the daddy issues...that is very sad. Both Betrayal and Guilt can carry the same symptoms and I fully understand that. Here though she was asking / blameshifting the BH / Dad....I felt that she is not accepting the role that she has in the demise of the family in her circumstance.

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Yes, we get the stbxh is hurt and upset, but to cut ties with his kids and go binge dating instead???

That is beyond the pale.

 

I cannot see much sympathy being extended, if a BW deserted her kids and went off dating other men instead...

 

NO matter what the wife did here, it still doesn't justify the BH leaving his kids angry, upset and hurt. He is their father and he needs to act like one.

They need both parents in such a traumatic situation.

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It's only been a month that he has been doing his own thing and only talking on the phone to the kids. Give the man a break. He's been through hell and back, his entire world was blown apart. He's going to need some time to get his act together.

 

You can't force him to be a part of the children's lives at this point. He will come around when he's ready. If he's smart, he'll do it in a way that he does not have to interact with you very much. That will be in his best interest.

 

I suggest you get a mediator to help you both figure out how to co-parent. This is going to be a rough tumultuous period for all involved for a period of time.

 

You have no right to be upset about his dating habits. That is his business. At least he isn't doing it in front of the kids.

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Last time I posted we were making a miserable attempt at repairing our marriage after my A. But the truth was the A never stopped. I was always one foot out. Repeated discoveries by H of this breach of trust. Finally he had enough and moved out and currently we are mediating for division of assets before we finally cut the chord. I'm still with my AP but not moved in together.

 

I will be forever sorry for causing this pain to break up my family like this. But what is happening now can't surely be down to me? For the last 1 month H has completely stopped meeting our kids. He has floundered on every visits citing one excuse after the other and only talks to them via phone (which I facilitate). He is completely out of their lives now. In this last month he has not even visited our kids school programs. My kids are devastated and angry too. They can't believe or understand why daddy won't give them anymore time.

 

In the meanwhile I hear from friends he is kind of binge dating. Which boils me with anger. He has time for dates but not his children?! He has a father first of all who has responsiblities. Not interacting with me I can understand. I can understand that if he wants to delete me from his past. But what is his kids' fault? why is he trying to punish them?

 

I ask this questions and we have fights the few time we talked. I very much want him to have equal access to them. He was a great father to them before. I suggested ways of drop offs where he doesn't have to see me. He just goes on the line that too much is going on in his life right now where he is failing with the appointments.

 

How do I deal with this situation? Despite their hurt I know my kids miss their daddy and it breaks my heart

 

Different people react to this kind of stress in different ways.

I take it that you have primary custody so far then?

You cheated, broke the marriage, are working out details to move in with your affair partner.

It sounds like with your children.

Your husband is not responding well, seems to be disconnecting with all aspects if his life as he knew it when he was in a relationship with you.

Hmmm.

I suppose maybe he made the mistake of creating a self identity as your husband.

You say he was a good father before all of this??

Maybe he identified the role of being a good father was part of being a good husband to you.

Since being a good husband to you is broken, his connection to his role as a father may need to be rebuilt from the ground up.

It might take years of individual counseling and therapy for him to identify and sort out why this all is. It might take years of individual counselling and therapy to reprogram from this type of mind set.

Unfortunately, the role husband and father are intertwined for many men.

When one identity is damaged, cut, destroyed, it seriously adversely affects the other.

Well... he is trying to work through it.

Did he abandoned ship and left the house, family, kids, and all that he was when he discovered the affair?

Some men only even find the desire to work and be responsible as it relates to being a husband.

Once the role of husband disappears, the desire to be stable and hold down a job disappears.

He may be binge dating to find a new inspiration in life.

He may be working to find someone to work for again.

Perhaps when he finds another woman, his desire to be a good father will return.

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No excuses ever in my book for not being a parent. Grow up.

 

Kids are innocent and any parent, no matter how hurts they be...gets a free pass to be a big baby and hurt their children.

 

NOPE.

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BlueParrot - I say this gently as a wayward former wife myself - you have NO right to judge your husband for his dating habits. Even if they seem to come at the expense of him seeing your kids. Surely you can see how patently unfair that is of you.

 

It seems obvious that you need to start meeting with a mediator or a counselor specializing in transitioning families into divorce. Your family needs assistance.

 

You've destroyed your husband's life, and right now your kids are the unfortunate side victims of this. Try to be compassionate and mature in how you handle things.

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No excuses ever in my book for not being a parent. Grow up.

 

Kids are innocent and any parent, no matter how hurts they be...gets a free pass to be a big baby and hurt their children.

 

NOPE.

 

the guy is hurting, but so are his kids.

 

Personally, I have a feeling there is a whole lot of factors playing into the situation. It's possible he's just so angry at the op that he wants nothing to do with her, and the thought any contact with her,even if it's just to pick up the kids, is too much right now.

 

This being said, he still needs to see his kids,and they need to see their dad. I wonder if it might help if the op made some sort of arrangements for pick up and drop offs away from her soon to be former home where he lived with her, and have someone else bring the kids?

 

That way, he and the op don't have to see each other right now, it's less stressful for everyone involved.

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Who knows what going though his mind at this time. I would suspect in time he'll come back into the kids life but for now it's a wait and see. He has to find his own way at this time. Like most in this situation he's on his own to figure that out.

 

I would imagine he's trying to stay as far away from this as he can get.

 

You can play mother of the year if you want but your part in this never had the kids in mind either. Especially the lies and deception after the fact.

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No excuses ever in my book for not being a parent. Grow up.

 

Kids are innocent and any parent, no matter how hurts they be...gets a free pass to be a big baby and hurt their children.

 

NOPE.

 

My kids are my number one priority, always have been....However there was a period where I was a bit uneven with my emotions. I avoided time with them because I didn't want them to see me that way....Weak and angry.

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My kids are my number one priority, always have been....However there was a period where I was a bit uneven with my emotions. I avoided time with them because I didn't want them to see me that way....Weak and angry.

 

When my husband died, it was a little hairy for me. I wanted to die also. I kind of don't remember too much for a while after he passed.

 

My kids, 7 & 5 at the time somehow made it to school, clean, homework, bedtime and love, so much love. It isn't an exact analogy...

 

The conclusion is this dude may be just not the nicest of fellows. Although this will never amend a reason to cheat, the children are entirely separate.

 

I won't ever agree to enough hurt to leave/neglect the kids and I know that you are saying the same.

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While I do agree that your husband's neglect toward the children is wrong, I believe he needs time to adjust to the new situation. I hope he realizes that his actions are hurting his children and he will figure out that they are totally innocent in all this. He needs them just as they need him, especially right now.

 

 

I suggest you keep trying to facilitate communication between him and the children, while explaining that he's going through some "issues" at the moment. I'm guessing they have no clue as to why you two aren't together, correct? It's the least you can do.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic content removed ~T
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Mrs. John Adams

How about you give the kids to their dad and let him be in charge of them?

 

that way...you won't complain about how little time he spends with them...and he won't have to deal with you and your betrayal.

 

If indeed your heart and your thoughts are all about your kids and you think they need their dad so much...then do what is best for them. Give them to him and you visit them the way you expect him to visit them.

 

problem solved

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Which boils me with anger. He has time for dates but not his children?!

 

Can't help but wonder how much time and energy you've invested in your A and at who's expense? This is one where the other side of the story would be interesting to hear.

 

Don't condone what he's doing but I do understand...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I was always one foot out.

 

In the meanwhile I hear from friends he is kind of binge dating. Which boils me with anger. He has time for dates but not his children?!

 

Indeed! Makes me wonder also, how much time and energy you invested into your affair at your families expense - especially if you were always one foot out. It's that old saying, "people who live in glass houses, shouldn't throw stones."

 

Definitely disagree with what he is doing. When you become a parent, your children should always come first. But, I certainly understand that he is only human, and it would seem that the decisions you have made continue to have serious consequences, for both your husband and your children...

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Stay out of it. Your husband will or will not continue to be a father for his children but it's not up to you. You don't get to judge him about how he chooses to live his life now that you are out of it. Don't bad-mouth their father and don't be a go-between for them. They can speak directly to each other without you getting involved. You are no longer part of their relationship.

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this is his way of coping - as simple as that. not much you can do about it; i'm almost positive (because it almost always happens in situations like these) that your H will return to his usual parenting once your AP starts bonding with the kids. people step it up once they feel threatened & assume someone else is trying to take their place. of course - you need to be prepared for your H completely detaching and ultimately abandoning the kids. if that happens, start saving up for therapy.

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He can be pissed and he can date without having the kids upset.

 

Look, no matter what OP has done or how selfish she has been, a parent is a parent...period.

 

Parents take up the slack where the other has dropped. Someone has to be there for the kids.

 

OP, maybe it's your turn. I hope that you are in counseling or at least find yourself grounded enough to not further turn this dysfunctional situation worse for your kids.

 

'Coping' by sleeping around or looking for other partners should be the last thing on either of your minds.

 

Does anyone take responsibility anymore?

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blockrockinbeat74
My kids are my number one priority, always have been....However there was a period where I was a bit uneven with my emotions. I avoided time with them because I didn't want them to see me that way....Weak and angry.

 

I left my abusive, cheating NPD exH and moved to the other side of the country with barely any money, a pile of his debt I was left to deal with, no accommodation and no support with my 2 very young kids (my youngest was a baby at the time). I was a complete wreck nervously, mentally, emotionally and financially in a very difficult position, but I didn't have the luxury to take time off and even myself out.

 

Instead, I had to deal with the situation head on, arrange school, nursey, a place to stay and get used to a new, lesser paid job right after I left.

 

I agree with Timshel - being betrayed is no excuse for taking a break from your parental duty.

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understand50

KIDS COME FIRST, ALWAYS AND FOREVER.

 

Yes the OP is a piece of work, and he should and can not deal with her. He can come and take his kids and do something with them, away from her. You do not abandon you kids. File for and fight for custody. As a child of divorce, I would not have had anything to do with my father if he would have abandon me. Be in pain yes, but be strong and continue to be a Dad.

 

My two cents.......

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Mrs. John Adams

My husband became a zombie after i told him about my affair. He was not emotionally in any condition to take care of his children.

 

His choice to stay away may be the best thing for them at this time. Maybe his is trying to deal with anger, or is suicidal, or overcome with depression.

 

I can understand his staying away right now. He could have kicked her out and kept his kids away from her. He didn't...instead...he left. Perhaps he feels like he put the needs of his children first by doing so.

 

We are trying to get into the mind of a man who is not here to tell us. All we have are the words of a very selfish woman who wants us to harshly judge her husband and give her kuddos.

 

Sorry....this is not about being hypocritical...this is about being cautious and giving a broken man the benefit of the doubt....and not taking the word of a lying deceiving cheating wife...who obviously does not have good judgement.

 

Ultimately these kids are going to suffer....but that did not seem to be first and foremost on her mind while she was having sex with another man in a hotel. So all of a sudden she is mother of the year and her husband is the bad guy?

 

There is plenty of blame to go around here...and my sympathy lies with the kids becasue they did not deserve any of this.

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blockrockinbeat74

I know a couple of cases where the betrayed partner was the primary carer of the kids, and in both cases they had to deal with taking care of the kids and the repercussions of the betrayal and all the hurt that comes with at the same time, because at least one parent had to be there for the kids.

 

It's not an issue of blame, but one of responsibility.

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