adreamwithinadream Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 I have never cheated before but I have been cheated on. My s/o cheated on me and I choose to stay with him. It's been a very rocky up and down relationship but we are working on things. One thing that was the hardest in our relationship was when he would become jealous and blame with me for cheating on him which I never did. I felt so betrayed by him cheating me it hurt so bad for him to accuse me of cheating on him. Anyway when ever he would accuse me of cheating, I started having fantasies of cheating on him. I fantasize about sleeping with other men and lieing to him. I just can't get it out of my mind. I really want to cheat on him now and I know it's not right but after all the hurt he put me through it just seems so tempting 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Blunt Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 Combat that by realizing that if you cheat you will be like him, a disgusting person that violates integrity. Also understand that if you get the thoughts out of your head and do not become a betrayer that it will build your self respect. I know that getting even and retribution can seem satisfying but it will not be satisfying very long and will lower your character. Besides, you may not be with this man in the future and you will be able to tell your next man that you never committed the act of betrayal and you did not violate loyality. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
burnt Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 You are choosing to stay with someone who cheated on you. May I ask why? You are choosing to stay with someone who clearly shows little sign of remorse for cheating on you. May I ask why? You are choosing to stay with someone who falsely accuses you of cheating when you did not, while he himself is the cheater. May I ask why? You are choosing to stay with someone whose presence and actions are pushing you into becoming a cheater yourself. May I ask why? Our partners are supposed to bring out the best in us and support through the worst in us. It appears, your partner brings out the worst in you, and diminishes the your sense of morality. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 That's your cue to break up 4 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 I went through that with my ww too. It passed. Just another one of those weird side effects of being cheated on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Tulipwood Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 Cheating on him won't give you the satisfaction of hurting him like he did you that I'm assuming you crave. Leaving him will though. My ex-husband blamed me for his cheating and I let that blame spiral me out of control. You don't want to do that to yourself because if you do the hurt you feel now will be nothing compared to what you will feel when you act on your affair fantasy:( 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 Please dump this guy. You only want to cheat because you want to STAY with him, thinking that will make you feel better, but the only thing that will make it better is by getting rid of this cancer (him). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 when you think about cheating, do you ever think about the cost? His cheating on you, cost you self respect, peace in your life, anger, resentment, pain and the list goes on and on. You have received good advice, if your pain is still so hurtful, you have not forgiven him. And why should you? Your forgiveness comes at a terrible price. (especially for you) his cheating has cost you and it will cost him. It does sound like you are still in pain. Sometimes it helps to get away from the pain. I do like the idea of separating. It gets you away from your source of pain. Sometimes, the BS asks the cheating spouse to leave to lessen their pain. The WS does not get it that they are the source of pain. And sometimes the WS does not get it, so when they are asked to leave, they do not leave. all forgiveness comes with a terrible cost. But when I keep drinking poison to hurt the people that hurt me, I am the one that suffers. So you do want to get to the point of forgiveness, but not for your WS, but for you. So separate and get away from the pain. Cheating will really add to your problems. you will involve another person to have them help you get even with your WS. But then you hurt them or they hurt you. Hope you can get some peace and comfort. I think you should separate. Hope this pain does not carry forward into your next relationship. It will unless you get help. Try affair -recovery. com. Maybe that will help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 Anyway when ever he would accuse me of cheating, I started having fantasies of cheating on him. I fantasize about sleeping with other men and lieing to him. I just can't get it out of my mind. I really want to cheat on him now and I know it's not right but after all the hurt he put me through it just seems so tempting Of all the reactions to being cheated on, wanting to cheat in return strikes me as the strangest one. Since you do read posts here about revenge affairs, I'd guess it's a pretty common fantasy. I just could never make the connection. I did however have fantasies about chains and vats of acid ... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 An awful lot of things are exciting to fantasize about but would be disastrous to try for real. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
deadsoul Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 As long as it stays a fantasy, it's fine. If it becomes an action, it isn't fine. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MikeM 1028 Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 Whatever you do, acting on your fantasy will have consequences, if found out. Even if not, you'll have that guilt following you, which sucks all on its own. RA's don't fix what was done to you. IC helps deal with the trauma and is where I'd start. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author adreamwithinadream Posted April 19, 2017 Author Share Posted April 19, 2017 You are choosing to stay with someone who cheated on you. May I ask why? You are choosing to stay with someone who clearly shows little sign of remorse for cheating on you. May I ask why? You are choosing to stay with someone who falsely accuses you of cheating when you did not, while he himself is the cheater. May I ask why? You are choosing to stay with someone whose presence and actions are pushing you into becoming a cheater yourself. May I ask why? Our partners are supposed to bring out the best in us and support through the worst in us. It appears, your partner brings out the worst in you, and diminishes the your sense of morality. I choose to stay with him because after everything I still love him. We have 2 kids together and he cheated on me while I was pregnant and vulnerable and yes I needed him to be there. I wasn't strong enough to send him away at that time. After having the baby I stopped hating him and starting to make things work because we have a family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 There are several people here who have had revenge affairs. My husband is one of them and while I cannot speak for him .. I can tell you this. It will only cause more pain and hurt that the two of you will have to learn to cope with. Please... just don't. You heard the old saying that two wrongs don't make a right? It's true... I am not saying it is impossible to get past... I am saying it makes it more complicated. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 I have never cheated before but I have been cheated on. My s/o cheated on me and I choose to stay with him. It's been a very rocky up and down relationship but we are working on things. One thing that was the hardest in our relationship was when he would become jealous and blame with me for cheating on him which I never did. I felt so betrayed by him cheating me it hurt so bad for him to accuse me of cheating on him. Anyway when ever he would accuse me of cheating, I started having fantasies of cheating on him. I fantasize about sleeping with other men and lieing to him. I just can't get it out of my mind. I really want to cheat on him now and I know it's not right but after all the hurt he put me through it just seems so tempting A revenge affair is like putting a bandaid on a broken limb. Just think, is someone willing to cheat with you any better than a spouse that cheated on you. It's like jumping from one frying pan into another frying pan. Is your beauty or self worth only real if someone tells you so, is your value only worthy if you give it away in search of validation. You're hurting because often times Life isn't fair and bad things happen to good people. The solution is not revenge, revenge is like drinking a poison and expecting the other person to die. Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 Hi adream, there are some people here on the forum who had revenge affairs like you want to have, after they found that their spouses had cheated on them. Afterwards they felt poorly for having succumbed to that temptation and I guess they regretted their decision to do so. If you make a request here for them they may come out of the woodwork to let you know of their experiences and their feelings in the aftermath of their revenge affairs. As furious has said it is just not something that a self respecting person would do and the aftermath is always unpleasant. If you cannot accept your husband's cheating then just divorce him and treat him as a bad experience that you had on the highway of life. You do not have to live with him if he does not measure up to your standards. Also do not harp on the the " I love him" aspect. there are many people who have loved and probably still love their exs' because there was something their exs' had which still gels with them. However in the greater scheme of things they realized that their exs' were toxic for them and that they could not carve out a life with them. They may still have some residual love for them but they no longer share their lives with them. Think about it. Warm wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Superchicken Posted April 22, 2017 Share Posted April 22, 2017 It seems you have already made up your mind. You have blindly set a alarm clock to ring in the future, and when the clock strikes, you WILL cheat. I hope I'm wrong, but the way you described what you want to do, is to me, a statement of intention. You are trying to get some sort of sympathy or confirmation from others to move to the next step. Well, I think you wont get it here, except that you were cheated on. Maybe just have fantasies, and leave your cheating there. Don't allow your fantasies to become reality however. Please understand, once you take that step, its FINAL !. You WILL lose everything, and for what ?. A quickie ?. Ted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted April 22, 2017 Share Posted April 22, 2017 Yep...how many of us here wish we knew then what we know now? That life gets no do overs... and it's the one thing I would give anything to be able to do... Undo what I have done Affairs are forever... the gift that keeps on giving.. the nightmare that never goes away 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Vesalio Posted May 2, 2017 Share Posted May 2, 2017 I have never cheated before but I have been cheated on. My s/o cheated on me and I choose to stay with him. It's been a very rocky up and down relationship but we are working on things. One thing that was the hardest in our relationship was when he would become jealous and blame with me for cheating on him which I never did. I felt so betrayed by him cheating me it hurt so bad for him to accuse me of cheating on him. Anyway when ever he would accuse me of cheating, I started having fantasies of cheating on him. I fantasize about sleeping with other men and lieing to him. I just can't get it out of my mind. I really want to cheat on him now and I know it's not right but after all the hurt he put me through it just seems so tempting Totally understandable. I too have been cheated on by my wife. Long and cliched story, won't bore you. Since finding out about it and remembering that period in our lives, our interactions from that time (and even now) have taken on a new meaning... Its maddening, no? I can't help but think, "do I even know her?" Same for you? I can't help but think about settling up virtually everyday... Maybe this too will pass. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Overtaxed Posted May 2, 2017 Share Posted May 2, 2017 Totally understandable. I too have been cheated on by my wife. Long and cliched story, won't bore you. Since finding out about it and remembering that period in our lives, our interactions from that time (and even now) have taken on a new meaning... Its maddening, no? I can't help but think, "do I even know her?" Same for you? I can't help but think about settling up virtually everyday... Maybe this too will pass. Haunts me like nothing else. I have mind movies about my W having sex with the OM, but, that pales in comparison to remembering "us" during that time. Me trying to save our relationship, trying to plan our future together, and her sitting there acting as if she's involved, but TXTing the OM at the same time. Haunts me every single day. Settling up is a fools errand. Sure, I could cheat, easily I might add because of my travel. And, in my mind, when I do it, I take pictures and send them along with an "I miss you" TXT. But, what would that actually solve? I wouldn't be in love with the OW, and my W would know that, so the depth of pain won't be comparable. I'll be sad for what I did. Another woman will probably be damaged by the whole thing. And to what end? The only reason I think about doing it, honestly, is to show my W that I can, that other women desire me, and that I'm capable of getting someone else. She already knows that, so I quickly push those thoughts away. Revenge is not the right answer in nearly every case, and certainly not in an A. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 Okay, the reason he accused you of cheating when he was the one, in fact, cheating was to ease his own guilt about what he was doing. Easier to not feel as guilty if he convinces himself that you're doing it to him too. These fantasies you are having is about you. He cheated on you and your ego is at an all time low. You probably felt like you weren't good enough to stay true to. Or you weren't sexy enough or desirable enough. So, these fantasies are about you finding someone else to validate that you are still sexy and desirable. That you still got it and is found to be attractive to other men. Plus, it may feel like you have a "get out of jail free card" Because if you did cheat, he can't complain now. But, what you are thinking about is called a revenge affair. And you can search through this website all about revenge affairs and about 90% don't work out well at all. In most cases, you will feel worse than before. So, revenge affairs are not the answer. Plus, why would you want to stoop to his level? He was in the drivers seat when he cheated. Now, you are in the driver seat as far as where this marriage goes. If you want your marriage, both of you have to get to marriage counseling and be 100% dedicated to putting in the work. Or, you can move on from this. You can be the best mom to your kids, but you don't have to be his wife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Superchicken Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 (edited) Haunts me like nothing else. I have mind movies about my W having sex with the OM, but, that pales in comparison to remembering "us" during that time. Me trying to save our relationship, trying to plan our future together, and her sitting there acting as if she's involved, but TXTing the OM at the same time. Haunts me every single day. . Mate, your not alone, the images are an endless movie. Doesn't get any better. We just try and not think about it as much. I respect anyone that has gone through this crap, scarred and all, yet continues to move on. Male or female. But, when you find someone else, and you will, that new love in your life will bring a pair of scissors to cut the movie roll (But Just check her hand bag for a video cam just in case ). Good luck in the future. Ted Edited May 3, 2017 by Superchicken 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author adreamwithinadream Posted May 6, 2017 Author Share Posted May 6, 2017 Totally understandable. I too have been cheated on by my wife. Long and cliched story, won't bore you. Since finding out about it and remembering that period in our lives, our interactions from that time (and even now) have taken on a new meaning... Its maddening, no? I can't help but think, "do I even know her?" Same for you? I can't help but think about settling up virtually everyday... Maybe this too will pass. Yes when I decided to stay with him it felt like starting a completely new relationship with a stranger I didn't even Like but really hoping it would work out! I have got over the loathing and hate towards him but things will never be the same as before he cheated. I do love him and I know cheating on him would never solve anything. yes I think that feeling will pass eventually. For me I think I think about being with another man because it excites me to think that somone else could desire me. Because he made me feel like nothing 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 Yes when I decided to stay with him it felt like starting a completely new relationship with a stranger I didn't even Like but really hoping it would work out! I have got over the loathing and hate towards him but things will never be the same as before he cheated. I do love him and I know cheating on him would never solve anything. yes I think that feeling will pass eventually. For me I think I think about being with another man because it excites me to think that somone else could desire me. Because he made me feel like nothing Completely wrong attiutde you are headed for disaster but whatever you want but i will ask...why even try? Link to post Share on other sites
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