I got a message from the OW

[alsudduth]

[background: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/586936-inevitable-happened ]

 

 

It's been awhile since I've updated, mostly because there has been nothing new to report. It's not easy, and I feel in a way that my H has checked out some, but we have been stressed with some medical issues with our daughter and the fact that he was laid off late last year. Otherwise, though, we are moving along nicely for the most part with reconciliation.

 

In fact, we spent the last 4 days of the kids' spring break up North looking for a house to buy so we can move out of the heat this summer, and we put an offer on a place today. I feel like the fact that my H is wanting to buy a house with me, is a big step for us.

 

This morning, before heading home, I was checking my social media and saw that I had a message request from someone I am not connected with. It was from the OW. The one that (in my mind) accelerated the downward spiral in my marriage. Here is what her message said:

 

*als*' date=' I wanted to tell you how sorry I am. That I have caused you and your family pain and sadness, in 2013 for my behavior and actions. I take full responsibility for my actions only. I was glad to stop it when I did, I couldnt live with myself being "her" and I have wanted ever since to tell you how sorry I am for the hurt. I was disrespectful, ignorant, and selfish. There are no words that can truly express how remorseful I am for hurting you and your family for my part in this. I did to you, what was done to me; I became "her". Just like my "her" in 2011, I became the most horrid and vile person I have ever experienced and for that I am deeply sorry. From the core of my being I am sorry. Sorry, that I hurt you in the worst possible way, in a way I would never have wanted anyone to experience, ever. I wish I could make it different and take it all back. I have no expectations only hope that this may help in some way and if it has done the opposite, please know that is not my intent; my intent is to be honest, acknowledge, and apologize. To do what is right. I have told my H as well, he knows; our family is too, feeling the consequences of my part in this terrible situation. I won't contact you again, I don't wish to cause any further pain. I am so sorry *als*. [/quote']

 

I became emotional immediately. I really appreciated the words, and I feel like they are sincere. That said, the fact that I became so upset just hearing from her, brought so many old wounds to the surface that I've been on edge all day. I am trying to rationalize that she is no worse that who I became when faced with the same situation. It helps a little to know that, like me, she's only human, but I also can't help but feel angry that if she hadn't come along so much in the last 3+ years may not have happened and my family could have been spared a lot of pain and heartbreak.

 

I've decided that I feel better that she has apologized, but I will not respond or even acknowledge to her that I saw the message. I asked my H if he had heard from her at all recently and he said no. And he asked me why....so I told him that I got a msg from her apologizing for her part in everything. He just said "ok" which is about what I expected. My mom and best friend have been helping me with letting it go.

 

Anyways - we are now at almost 9 months with NC on my part with my OM, it's still hard some days, but I'm glad we are where we are today.

Edited March 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added link to background ~6

[Quiet Storms]

I don't know your story, but from what you said, it sounds like your WH had an affair, and then you had a revenge affair?

 

One has to wonder why she wrote that message, 4 years after the fact. Guilt? True remorse? In a way I think it's kind of selfish.

 

Are you 100% sure your H hasn't heard from her in some way?

[anika99]

I think it was a genuine mature apology. Often times APs will send supposed apology letters that are full of self pity and blame shifting. Saying things like they got hurt too, and they only engaged in the affair because the MM pursued them and they had true love...blech! I see none of that in the apology you received. She took full responsibility for her actions and refrained from mentioning your husband at all. It doesn't even begin to undo the damage but I think it was sincere.

[usa1ah]

Good to hear thing are progressing. Hope the best for you and your family.

[alsudduth]

I don't know your story, but from what you said, it sounds like your WH had an affair, and then you had a revenge affair?

 

One has to wonder why she wrote that message, 4 years after the fact. Guilt? True remorse? In a way I think it's kind of selfish.

 

Are you 100% sure your H hasn't heard from her in some way?

 

I don't think I could ever be 100% sure, but I don't see any signs that he has. I've checked his phone, and he's either gotten really savvy with it or nothing is going on.

 

I hope that it's true remorse. Perhaps she is going through a healing process with her own family and this helps her move on.

[alsudduth]

I think it was a genuine mature apology. Often times APs will send supposed apology letters that are full of self pity and blame shifting. Saying things like they got hurt too, and they only engaged in the affair because the MM pursued them and they had true love...blech! I see none of that in the apology you received. She took full responsibility for her actions and refrained from mentioning your husband at all. It doesn't even begin to undo the damage but I think it was sincere.

 

I agree. It sounds sincere to me. I hope her family can heal as I hope mine can as well.

[BTDT2012]

It sounds sincere. Not responding is you best course of action.

[katielee]

You are a much better person than I.

I hope the OW's family falls apart and both OW die violently. But that's just me.

[TrustedthenBusted]

It's not just you katielee. I got an email like this 10 years after the fact, and all it did was make me angry. I told him he doesn't get to clear your conscience on me,and he can spend the rest of his life worrying about the day I come up from behind him.

 

It's been 17 years since their stupid little affair, and if I saw him on the street tomorrow, I'd still sock him in the jaw all over again.

 

Never forgive. Never forget.

[wmacbride]

ah yes. another one of the thankless tasks of the bs- to provide absolution and ease the conscience of the ow or om.

 

I know there are some ow and om who really do feel bad about the A, but it's all too often a case of either too little, too late or it's more of an exercise on the part of the ow or om because they feel a bit guilty- not so much because they participated in hurting someone else, but because their actions don't fit the view they have of themselves.

 

As I said, there are some ow and om who are very sincere in their bad feelings and really wish the A had never happened. There are more who are just hoping to unload their emotional baggage on to the bs...i.e.- " if he or she forgave me, what i did couldn't have been that bad". I ended up interacting with the second variety, and I learned that a message like that really is all about them.

 

It's just not worth it. If you are an ow or om, and you really feel bad, then by all means let the bs know this, which sounds like is the case for the op. However, if you are an ow or om and your message will mostly be concerned with your feelings and how it's all the mm/mw fault, how about keeping that one in your journal, as most bs don't want to hear it and wont care.

[deadsoul]

OP,

 

does it help you to have read that? It sounds sincere to me. I think you're doing the right thing by not replying. What would you say, "thanks!" or, "that's okay."

 

um, no. I can see how this can be thought of as a selfish action from the AP, but I also understand the regret and trying to right the wrongs. The bottom line is, does it help you any?

[Lady2163]

It does sound sincere. Maybe she was clearing her conscience, but I think (not knowing any of the parties involved) she genuinely thought it was a kindness.

 

One time I was an inadvertent OW. I didn't find out until after I broke up with the boyfriend. By then his ex-girlfriend and I were decent friends. I was horrified when she told me. She said she didn't figure it out that there was overlap because boyfriend and I were keeping things quiet until after my court date and divorce was final. She broke up with him probably about a month after we started seeing each other. She knew he had lied to me about being involved with her.

 

Fast forward and he did the same thing again. Only I caught him with the OW before he ended things with me. I would love to get a note from the OW that apologized for some of the hateful things she did (at his behest).

 

There's nothing that says you have to be a better person to her. But, to be frank, you should tell her you appreciate the note and you truly don't need anything else from her. Give her your regards and ask her not to contact you again.

 

I'm an ex-OW, a betrayed girlfriend and I started dating before my exH had his stuff moved out of the house. I've been on all sides of the triangle. I didn't "hate" my ow because she had sex with my then boyfriend, I hated her for the taunting, the lies she told people about me (and caused conflict) and the hang up phone calls at all hours of the day and night. We were ended, she 'won' the prize....now buzz off. I know she was just going on the information the boyfriend gave her, but I was more pitifully broken than fighting back. I really think he was trying to get me to kill myself since he owed me money...

[dichotomy]

I don't think I could ever be 100% sure, but I don't see any signs that he has. I've checked his phone, and he's either gotten really savvy with it or nothing is going on.

 

I hope that it's true remorse. Perhaps she is going through a healing process with her own family and this helps her move on.

 

Perhaps it helps her BH move on as well - or maybe if her kids are older them as well.. I wish my WW would have apologized to her MM's wive's and families. It would have helped me heal - as weird as that sounds. I wanted to see complete and full remorse and regret from her to ALL affected by her choices. Even if the OM was mostly responsible to his own wife and family - she played a part.

Edited March 21, 2017 by dichotomy

[aileD]

I'm not making any assumptions here about your situation. It sounds sincere...

 

I will just say that two summers ago, we were on vacation in the middle of the fiasco affair. I got a text from the OW apologizing and being remorseful and saying she'll leave us alone.

 

A few months later I broke into his email and found a bunch of stuff. Among it was an email exchange where they planned for her to send me the message so that I would think they were no longer in contact. So we could do a pretend reconciliation then he could claim "oh see she's not around and its still not working out with us so can't we just agree to amicably divorce?"

 

So. Just a word of caution

[Whoknew30]

ah yes. another one of the thankless tasks of the bs- to provide absolution and ease the conscience of the ow or om.

 

I know there are some ow and om who really do feel bad about the A, but it's all too often a case of either too little, too late or it's more of an exercise on the part of the ow or om because they feel a bit guilty- not so much because they participated in hurting someone else, but because their actions don't fit the view they have of themselves.

 

As I said, there are some ow and om who are very sincere in their bad feelings and really wish the A had never happened. There are more who are just hoping to unload their emotional baggage on to the bs...i.e.- " if he or she forgave me, what i did couldn't have been that bad". I ended up interacting with the second variety, and I learned that a message like that really is all about them.

 

It's just not worth it. If you are an ow or om, and you really feel bad, then by all means let the bs know this, which sounds like is the case for the op. However, if you are an ow or om and your message will mostly be concerned with your feelings and how it's all the mm/mw fault, how about keeping that one in your journal, as most bs don't want to hear it and wont care.

 

This I agree with...I think it's just transferring emotional baggage..

 

My H OW said sorry but I didn't care bc she was never a factor in anything for me. I never blamed her for the A at all, so I never felt she owed me an apology.

 

If I was OW I would never apologize bc if I had cared, I wouldn't have done it...especially more than once.

[Whoknew30]

You are a much better person than I.

I hope the OW's family falls apart and both OW die violently. But that's just me.

 

Harbor feelings like this, only affects you, your mind, your peace & your own family peace...not the OW's.

[katielee]

Harbor feelings like this, only affects you, your mind, your peace & your own family peace...not the OW's.

 

Wouldn't call it harboring at all. I think of it when I think of it... which is about once a year. Don't really care if OW is affected by it. I care about my own thoughts about it.

[wmacbride]

This I agree with...I think it's just transferring emotional baggage..

.

 

If I could quote this a million times, I would.

 

If an ow or om genuinely feels sorry and a need to apologize, that's very commendable, but before taking that step, it might not hurt to put themselves int he bs's place and see if their apology would help them heal.

 

If it's not really an apology but more looking for a way to throw their crap into the bs's pile, fort he love of god, leave the bs alone. If you really and truly are sorry, you will not do this to them.

[wmacbride]

Wouldn't call it harboring at all. I think of it when I think of it... which is about once a year. Don't really care if OW is affected by it. I care about my own thoughts about it.

 

I hear you.

 

It's like anyone else who I don't care for. I don't care for her, but I have far better things to do than sit around thinking about her all day( I get the irony of me saying that in this post:laugh:).

 

If I think of her st all, t's with distaste. The rest of the time, I couldn't care less what she's doing. She simply doesn't matter enough to bother.

[Birdies]

If I could quote this a million times, I would.

 

If an ow or om genuinely feels sorry and a need to apologize, that's very commendable, but before taking that step, it might not hurt to put themselves int he bs's place and see if their apology would help them heal.

 

If it's not really an apology but more looking for a way to throw their crap into the bs's pile, fort he love of god, leave the bs alone. If you really and truly are sorry, you will not do this to them.

 

Honest question, how is an OW who knows nothing about the BS (besides what she was told by the MM) supposed to do this? To me, the apology in the OP seems sincere and there is no blameshifting. But reactions here are mixed on whether it was a good idea.

 

I feel like I see this a lot. BS say "I would love an apology, IF it were sincere!" But when an apology arrives, even if it's 100% taking responsibility and expressing remorse without a hint of justification or excuses, half the time it's blown off. "How dare she! If she were really sorry, she wouldn't have done it in the first place! She is only looking to ease her own guilt!"

 

So which is it?

 

I asked this one on a infidelity website - whether, in their opinion, it would do a BS any good to sincerely and briefly apologize. They unanimously dismissed my intentions as, at best, trying to absolve my own guilt, and at worst, trying to rub the affair in the BW's face to make her suffer more. (Neither of which are true. Frankly the A caused enough issues in my own life that contact with HER to absolve my guilt is completely beside the point, and I certainly have no interest in purposely torturing her. It would only be worthwhile to me if it would help her to heal in any way - I owe her that much after everything I did.) Yet I've seen those same women write posts demonizing the OW in part because they never apologized.

 

I think it's easier to want an idealized apology but to dismiss an actual apology, because acknowledging it means that the OW is a human being capable of a range of emotions including remorse and empathy. Easier to write them off as one-dimensional selfish monsters.

Edited March 22, 2017 by Birdies

[Whoknew30]

Honest question, how is an OW who knows nothing about the BS (besides what she was told by the MM) supposed to do this? To me, the apology in the OP seems sincere and there is no blameshifting. But reactions here are mixed on whether it was a good idea.

 

I feel like I see this a lot. BS say "I would love an apology, IF it were sincere!" But when an apology arrives, even if it's 100% taking responsibility and expressing remorse without a hint of justification or excuses, half the time it's blown off. "How dare she! If she were really sorry, she wouldn't have done it in the first place! She is only looking to ease her own guilt!"

 

So which is it?

 

I asked this one on a infidelity website - whether, in their opinion, it would do a BS any good to sincerely and briefly apologize. They unanimously dismissed my intentions as, at best, trying to absolve my own guilt, and at worst, trying to rub the affair in the BW's face to make her suffer more. (Neither of which are true. Frankly the A caused enough issues in my own life that contact with HER to absolve my guilt is completely beside the point, and I certainly have no interest in purposely torturing her. It would only be worthwhile to me if it would help her to heal in any way - I owe her that much after everything I did.) Yet I've seen those same women write posts demonizing the OW in part because they never apologized.

 

I think it's easier to want an idealized apology but to dismiss an actual apology, because acknowledging it means that the OW is a human being capable of a range of emotions including remorse and empathy. Easier to write them off as one-dimensional selfish monsters.

 

Like i stated, I blamed my H 100% only. I also had an A & I take the blame...no one put a gun to our heads to make the decisions we did. I personally think blaming the AP is counter productive, bc what if a WS cheats again? Then what, it's every AP fault? I watched the women in my family do this & it's just so counter productive bc the problem is the WS, not anyone they chose to sleep with.

 

Which why also believe if a couple reconciling, it's better for the AP to just disappear...no one needs their apology & or should care about it. Especially if they didn't know the WS was married, then they absolutely would hold no fault at all.

[Starswillshine]

The best apology is to just get out of the lives of the WS and the BS. To bow out, to let them deal with the destruction and possibly see if they can heal. That is the best apology.

 

I, as a BS, actually do not hold fault to the OW if she wants to send me an apology that takes ownership. Even if it is to ease her own guilt. She doesn't know me. I can even see putting the BS in a box and pretending she doesn't exist. But that should be the end of it. Send a note to apologize and gracefully bow out.

[alsudduth]

For me, getting the message from her was something I needed to hear. My H is also to blame for the affair, but she knew exactly what she was doing and I had conversations with her on a couple occasions about how disrespectful it was that she kept initiating contact with my H when I had repeatedly asked her to stop.

 

That coupled with the fact that I found her words to be sincere, means that I feel like I can forgive her. I don't want to be her friend, I don't want to have long meaningful conversations with her about what we've learned along the way....I just want to forgive her, hope she can successfully reconcile with her family and forget her.

[understand50]

For me, getting the message from her was something I needed to hear. My H is also to blame for the affair, but she knew exactly what she was doing and I had conversations with her on a couple occasions about how disrespectful it was that she kept initiating contact with my H when I had repeatedly asked her to stop.

 

That coupled with the fact that I found her words to be sincere, means that I feel like I can forgive her. I don't want to be her friend, I don't want to have long meaningful conversations with her about what we've learned along the way....I just want to forgive her, hope she can successfully reconcile with her family and forget her.

 

alsudduth,

 

This is best, take it for what it is, and let it go. The question is, "Does this help or hurt your reconciliation?" If it helps you, then accept the thought and move on.

 

I wish you luck....

[BTDT2012]

Honest question, how is an OW who knows nothing about the BS (besides what she was told by the MM) supposed to do this? To me, the apology in the OP seems sincere and there is no blameshifting. But reactions here are mixed on whether it was a good idea.

 

I feel like I see this a lot. BS say "I would love an apology, IF it were sincere!" But when an apology arrives, even if it's 100% taking responsibility and expressing remorse without a hint of justification or excuses, half the time it's blown off. "How dare she! If she were really sorry, she wouldn't have done it in the first place! She is only looking to ease her own guilt!"

 

So which is it?

 

Both and neither. My husbands AP sent me a text apologizing for "interfering in my marriage. I never responded. Four months later he was secretly living with her.