Jump to content

"I have love for you...but im not in love with you..."


jodimt

Recommended Posts

I have lost loved ones before and that pain is immeasurable. But when the man you thought was truly your soulmate and partner for life tells you they are not in love with you anymore.... that pain is soul breaking...

I'm the reason that we are where we are. I feel guilty for even crying in front of him cause i know it makes him feel bad for being honest. I try to hold it together when he's around but i fail miserably because when i look at him all i see was our hopes and dreams we had together. I cheated. I cheated on him and i cheated myself. I failed him. It wasn't cause i didn't love him, and it wasn't that he didn't satisfy me. I could blame it on the toxic house i grew up in, i saw physical and emotional abuse to my mom, i saw my mom and dad with several different partners, and they were all toxic relationships. I could blame it on being molested by my own father or that i was raped and pimped out at 17 by an abuser of my own... I cant tell you why. I don't know why. I guess I'm just a ****ed up person. I've tried so hard for the past year to make up for my mistake. But our relationship has been broken. He said he forgave me, but he never did. I knew, he would always bring it up in an argument or make a snide remark. All i can say is that i love him. He has helped me grow as a woman and cope with my past. I want desperately to save our marriage. I just don't know how. Can it even be saved? Please i know i was wrong, maybe i deserve the pain i feel... but please i need kind words at the very least... Thank you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

We need more specifics, timelines and background info.

 

What are your ages, how long married, children, circumstances of your affair, how your H found out, did A end, have you had professional marital counseling, have you had individual counseling etc etc etc?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I'm 25 he is 27. Our 5 year anniversary is in 9 D's days. I told him about it . Affair has been over for a year we have a 3 year old. And just started counseling.

He joined the army. I never wanted him to, for selfish reasons and I have issues being alone. The first three months he was gone for basic was stressful and hard doing everything with our child and balancing work and I was angry and my depression worsened along with my anxiety the last two months he was gone I started a physical affair . He has been back from basic for a year now. That's the jist of it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm really, very sorry for your pain.

 

It certainly sounds like you have had more trauma in your life than one person should ever have to endure. I don't have any advice about your marriage, but I do hope that you can find some support in therapy and I wish you all the best.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You don't give much details. When was D day? recently?

 

I would generally advice that you stop trying to preserve your old relationship, but trying to build a new one. The new one may be different but if you're against any change, than you may not love him the way you say you do.

 

Put the past behind you, and start loving your H from scratch, without judging him, without expecting him to behave in a certain way that you have in your mind. If you do that carefully, you still may have a chance.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have heard somewhere that it takes 3-5 years to heal from an affair. The day he found out is recent right? Can you take the pain he's showing you for that long? If not I would be honest with him and yourself.

Link to post
Share on other sites

For many men, a wife's physical infidelity is a deal breaker. That's just the way it goes. He is disgusted and angry and won't ever look at you the same way again.

 

Who was the guy you cheated with and how did that happen?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Have you stopped all contact with the OM?

 

Would you be okay if he had an A?

 

Hope you used protection.

 

He will never get over it.

 

Sorry.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ShatteredLady

After d-day (for many) "I have love for you but I'm not in love with you" is generous.

 

If it's any consolation I hated myself. I wanted to die to be honest. It's pretty hard to be all in-love with someone who has ripped your heart out & stomped on it again & again & again.

 

If he hasn't filed for divorce yet give it time. If you work REALLY hard to rebuild trust & help him heal his feelings might grow. Start reading, getting IC & stop justifying your betrayal.

 

If you discount this as the rantings of a bitter bs & try to blame him or rugsweep you don't stand a chance of keeping your marriage without deep resentment & bitterness.

Link to post
Share on other sites

He joined the army. I never wanted him to, for selfish reasons and I have issues being alone. The first three months he was gone for basic was stressful and hard doing everything with our child and balancing work and I was angry and my depression worsened along with my anxiety the last two months he was gone I started a physical affair . He has been back from basic for a year now. That's the jist of it.

 

jodimt, going to warn you, some tough love coming.

 

Everything you've written above supports his reasons for feeling the way he does. While those are all factors in a struggling relationship, none of them support cheating on your marriage. And none of them make him feel, if the sh*t hits the fan again, that you wouldn't do exactly the same thing.

 

Have you done any IC? Have the two of you been to counseling together? For your marriage to have a chance, you'll have to make him understand how you've addressed the broken bits that led to those poor choices. Reading all the excuses and rationalization in your post, I don't get any sense you've started down that path.

 

Keep posting. We'd all like to help you avoid the (numerous) mistakes we've made along the way...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited by Mr. Lucky
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...