Husband Denies affair with best friend and neighbour

[sacredspace747]

Hi….. please excuse me, but I feel I have no other option than to vent online to people who have lived this nightmare….. Recently discovered my husband/partner of 22 years has been having an under the radar relationship with one of my closest friends and neighbours…..

 

to say the least my roller coaster ride of emotions is something I have never experienced….. the part I find the hardest is his denial, denial, denial….. have seen them sneaking off behind a shed at a party which started my 'what the' suspicions, then something I have never done, I checked his phone and saw a text message to her on the night I was out with my best friend for my 50th birthday…..

 

suddenly it was deleted and checked phone records with more phone calls, only 3 seconds as a signal maybe and texts too that our phone company keeps records of,…. not contents only numbers, but yes they were deleted also!…. been treated like **** for 2 years, now all making sense….. is only treating me and the kids really nicely now since I confronted him, but still all denial….. how do you cope with the denial….. I am so so so hurt and angry I feel like I want to be sick most days…..

 

if he was honest I could work with that its the lies, denial I cannot handle…. Legally separated under the one roof as cannot afford to live outside and we have a daughter who needs both of us with down syndrome….. just curious for anyone who may have insight on how to get through this….. I am getting nowhere emotionally and its been 4 months, but I am not putting a time limit on…..

 

I feel revenge will only create more hurt and doing my best to work out how to forgive….. any help most grateful for…. thank you for this forum and for all of you….. xx

Edited February 19, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
please use paragraphs and proper punctuation

[mikeylo]

Denial is THE only word a cheater knows.

 

Physical separation is important to move on. When you see each other everyday, you will be stuck emotionally.

[oldshirt]

For starters you will probably never know the full story and will probably have to assume that you only know the tip of the iceberg.

 

In general people will only confess to what they have been caught redhanded for and even then they will blameshift and rugsweep and downplay.

 

The real question here is how much proof and knowledge do you need to take action?

 

You know he has been carrying on with the neighbor, how much more do you need to know and what is your purpose with that knowledge?

 

You see here is the thing - in order for a marriage to survive in a healthy and happy and productive manner following an affair, a number of things have to happen.

 

For starters the WS has to fully grasp that what he/she did was harmful and they have to be truly remorseful and sorry in their heart and they have to be willing to take accountability for their actions and do whatever they have to do to repair the damage and build the relationship back up to where it is good for both parties.

 

To do that they typically have to cut all contact with the AP for life and to become completely transparent and allow the BS access to all their phone records, emails, social media, snapchat etc and have to be open and willing to give an accounting of where they are, what they are doing, who they are with blah blah blah at pretty much all times and that can take years.

 

From what you are describing, your H isn't really doing ANY of that. If he denying any wrongdoing, showing no remorse, is not cutting the OW out of his life and treating you like you are the crazy one, then you have virtually no chance of moving beyond this and having a healthy, happy and exclusive marriage.

 

You can remain legally married and under the same roof to raise your children if you choose. But your chances of it being a close, intimate, happy, healthy, productive and sexually exclusive marriage is nill.

 

So it comes down to what is your objective here? If you can't live with and remain married to a cheating H that doesn't want to give up his girlfriend and work to restore a happy, healthy marriage, you have grounds for divorce. You know that he is cheating and do you really need any more proof??

 

If your goal is to reconcile and restore your marriage to a healthy, happy, intimate state - you really can't unless he buys into that and gives up the OW and puts in the heavy lifting and time required to repair the damage and restore the trust etc.

 

So you're really kind of stuck.

 

At this point your options are suck it up and live with it and remain under the roof with a cheating husband that treats you poorly but who offers the security of a roof over your head and assistance with a special needs child.

 

Or packing up your stuff, getting a good divorce attorney and trying to get the most of your marital resources and child support that you can.

 

Pick which one suits you best.

[oldshirt]

Just remember, you can only make decision for you and you only have control over what you do and what you can accept.

 

You can't control someone else and you cannot make another person do or feel anything.

[Marc878]

Lies, denial and trickle truth is a cheaters mantra.

 

If you want info do a deleted text recovery on his phone wit Fonelab, etc.

 

However, you know the truth and the lies surrounding it.

 

Most betrayed spouse just have to see the concrete proof so......

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so terribly sorry. That must be an awful way to live. Do you believe that his affair is now over? Have you spoken to her husband/partner if she has one?

[OatsAndHall]

My ex-wife denied and denied that she was having an affair and I still don't have concrete evidence that she was to this day. I could have found out pretty easily but I didn't care to as her sneaky actions at the time were more than enough for me to lose trust in her. And, I was tired of being gaslighted continually: I grew tired of being called jealous and controlling when she was having contact with her ex (who she is now living with).

 

The financial situation is tough... But, I don't think you will ever find closure if you don't separate yourself physically from him and the situation. I really don't know much about your financial situation but I think it would be a good idea to ask him to move out and then file for a divorce. If he refuses, then I would figure anything out just to get yourself out of that house. It may be tough for awhile but at least you'll be healing emotionally.

[BenchCoach]

Is this woman married as well? If so, her spouse has a right to know what's going on behind his back.

[aileD]

Confront the best friend too. She's not a faceless mistress. She has a relationship with you and betrayed you as well.

 

Be very clear that there no use lying because you already have seen the evidence. And cut her out of your life.

 

Advise your husband that if he does not do the same, then he can leave as well.

 

You cannot heal your marriage if you are the only one doing the work. If he's lying then there's nothing you can do till he tells the truth and he won't tell the truth u less he starts having some consequences for his actions.

 

Right now he's allowed to live with you and enjoy your family and life AND Fk around on the side.

 

I understand you need him there for your child but if you're going to be divorced anyway, then that's something you have to deal with anyway. And in my opinion and experience, the best path to reconciliation is to NOT put up with any cake eating.

 

He cannot live in the marital home if he's not committed to the marriage. The end.

 

They change their tune pretty quickly once their life is ripped out from underneath them and the fantasy life is suddenly thrust into reality.

 

Expose him to his family and his parents. DEFINITELY expose your "best" friend ...is she married too?

 

I know it's hard but you're going to live in a world of hell for years if you do t put your foot down NOW. I know this because I lived it for 18 months and lost my job, my sanity, my good relationship with my kids, my friends, my health and my self esteem . Things didn't change till I said "doesn't do any good to stay married if you won't stop seeing her so let's just get divorced please"

 

Just because you kick him out doesn't mean you will get divorced. It will just force him to deal with the situation and decide if he's going to be honest and try to work it out (if you allow it) or he's done. Because rightnow he doesn't have to do that.

 

I'm sorry this has happened.

[WilyWill]

I would bluff the friend into confessing. Tell her that your husband has admitted to having sex with her and you want to confirm how many times and when it started. Tell her that if she shares the information with you, you'll be less inclined to inform her husband about the extent of it.

[Southern Sun]

I really do think there's something especially wrong with people who continue to lie and deny in the face of not only evidence of their wrong-doing, but their spouse's obvious pain. You said it's been 4 months??

 

Put the shoe on the other foot - if you had done something wrong, something that hurt your husband, and he suspected it and he was just begging you to please tell him what was going on...could you imagine saying, it's nothing honey, you're imagining things. Sorry, I don't know what you're talking about. You've got it all wrong. There, there. You'll be fine...as he sits there with tears in his eyes, bewildered, unable to rest, never at peace?

 

There is just something especially cold-blooded about that.

 

That is a person who does not care about giving you comfort or peace. He is far more concerned with protecting his self-image and his lies than giving you any measure of closure or confirmation of your swirling doubts. He's okay with letting you live like this. One major reason could be that he wants to continue the affair. At it's most basic level, he has utterly no empathy for you.

 

Please do not allow this to continue. He is counting on you feeling so trapped and entangled that you won't put your foot down. I hate that you are dealing with such a sorry SOB.

[oldshirt]

I would bluff the friend into confessing. Tell her that your husband has admitted to having sex with her and you want to confirm how many times and when it started. Tell her that if she shares the information with you, you'll be less inclined to inform her husband about the extent of it.

 

Just plain no.

 

Let's assume these are all adults and not jr high kids flirting with someone else's date to the sick hop.

 

The OP knows their conduct is inappropriate and deceitful.

 

The obligation to disclose to the OW's spouse is so that he is aware of the state of his family and can the appropriate steps to protect himself and his family. It's not a bargaining chip to manipulate someone to confess what is already known.

[Greg1972]

Hi….. please excuse me, but I feel I have no other option than to vent online to people who have lived this nightmare….. Recently discovered my husband/partner of 22 years has been having an under the radar relationship with one of my closest friends and neighbours…..

 

to say the least my roller coaster ride of emotions is something I have never experienced….. the part I find the hardest is his denial, denial, denial….. have seen them sneaking off behind a shed at a party which started my 'what the' suspicions, then something I have never done, I checked his phone and saw a text message to her on the night I was out with my best friend for my 50th birthday…..

 

suddenly it was deleted and checked phone records with more phone calls, only 3 seconds as a signal maybe and texts too that our phone company keeps records of,…. not contents only numbers, but yes they were deleted also!…. been treated like **** for 2 years, now all making sense….. is only treating me and the kids really nicely now since I confronted him, but still all denial….. how do you cope with the denial….. I am so so so hurt and angry I feel like I want to be sick most days…..

 

if he was honest I could work with that its the lies, denial I cannot handle…. Legally separated under the one roof as cannot afford to live outside and we have a daughter who needs both of us with down syndrome….. just curious for anyone who may have insight on how to get through this….. I am getting nowhere emotionally and its been 4 months, but I am not putting a time limit on…..

 

I feel revenge will only create more hurt and doing my best to work out how to forgive….. any help most grateful for…. thank you for this forum and for all of you….. xx

 

First thing I would do is a call a lawyer, so you know what your rights are. When you have that settled. Confront him.

[WilyWill]

Just plain no.

 

Let's assume these are all adults and not jr high kids flirting with someone else's date to the sick hop.

 

The OP knows their conduct is inappropriate and deceitful.

 

The obligation to disclose to the OW's spouse is so that he is aware of the state of his family and can the appropriate steps to protect himself and his family. It's not a bargaining chip to manipulate someone to confess what is already known.

 

Let her find the extent of the affair, whatever it takes. Otherwise she'll be in a state of perpetual doubt. Her WH will never admit anything. There's no Jr. High intrigue or flirting involved, and the bargain she makes does not have to be honored.

 

One does not owe a liar the truth. The police, when questioning a suspect, routinely tell the suspect, "Your accomplice confessed everything," even when no such confession ever happened.

 

It is ultimately the right thing to do to expose to the OBS, but at this point she should be looking out for herself and trying to get to the truth.

[oldshirt]

Let her find the extent of the affair, whatever it takes. Otherwise she'll be in a state of perpetual doubt. Her WH will never admit anything. There's no Jr. High intrigue or flirting involved, and the bargain she makes does not have to be honored.

 

One does not owe a liar the truth. The police, when questioning a suspect, routinely tell the suspect, "Your accomplice confessed everything," even when no such confession ever happened.

 

It is ultimately the right thing to do to expose to the OBS, but at this point she should be looking out for herself and trying to get to the truth.

 

Maybe we are seeing this differently.

 

I don't really see this as her trying to find out if he is cheating or not - she KNOWS he is cheating and knows they have been hooking up.

 

She just wants him to be honest about it and move forward and to stop stonewalling her.

 

She has nothing to gain by using Jedi mind tricks on the OW.

[Just a Guy]

Hi sacred space, I feel really sorry for you considering you have been married 22 years and by now have come to trust and depend on your husband to a very great extent. It is in fact truly heart rending that you have to suffer this trauma at this stage of your life. You said that you have been separated from your husband while still living under one roof. How long has this separation been in effect and what was the immediate cause for it? Was it because you had confronted him already about his infidelity or was the reason something that predated the affair? I am asking because if the separation predated the affair your husband may justify to himself that since you two are separated he is no longer held back by his vows to you, although that is not really justifiable because you two are still married.

 

Apart from this I think you have been given some very good advice especially by Oldshirt and I think you will have to ponder your situation very seriously and then decide on your course of action which should favour you and your children. Your husband has proved himself untrustworthy and you cannot expect anything positive from him unless he has a complete change of heart. Whatever yo decide I wish you the very best. Warm wishes.

[goodyblue]

Maybe we are seeing this differently.

 

I don't really see this as her trying to find out if he is cheating or not - she KNOWS he is cheating and knows they have been hooking up.

 

She just wants him to be honest about it and move forward and to stop stonewalling her.

 

She has nothing to gain by using Jedi mind tricks on the OW.

 

Not only this but most OW would just deny. My h's daughter called me once years ago with her mother screaming in the background. I simply referred her back to her father.

 

If she knows, she knows. Kick him out and get an atty because her knowing doesn't have him stopping, it has him hiding and lying. He has no plans to end it so she has to protect herself.

[BTDT2012]

I'm not sure what advice you are looking for. What precipitated the legal separation? You can't make him tell you the truth. I don't normally recommend talking to the AP, but in this case she is your 'friend'. Don't ask her, tell her that you know.

 

My advice is that you speak to an attorney. You can't fix this by yourself. Listen to oldshirt.

[sacredspace747]

Not sure how this all works, but all your honest comments have helped me immensely. The other guilty party is a psychologist, so my reasons for just making sure I have all my truth before I again approach them. As for telling her husband, that will come. Yes, I am going to see a Lawyer and am also getting therapy..... Cant thank each and everyone of you enough! So nice to be able to talk with people who understand..... Blessings to you all..... xx

[oldshirt]

. The other guilty party is a psychologist, so my reasons for just making sure I have all my truth before I again approach them.

 

What does being a psychologist have to do with the price of tea in China???

 

 

And what is your objective in "approaching them?" What is your end-goal here? Reconciliation? Divorce?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Oldshirt, I think OP meant that she does not want to go into battle with her rifle half cocked. She wants to have solid irrefutable facts since the OW being a psychologist will use her technical knowledge to twist and turn facts in her favour and with the stamp of an experts authority backing her, will get most people believing her rather than the OP. Even her husband may want some concrete proof and will be likely to accept his wife's version rather than the OP's unless she presents him with something concrete.

 

I think the OP meant confronting both of them together although she used the words 'approaching them'. That confrontation could get nasty and she would need all the ammunition she could muster. Just the way I am thinking about this currently. Warm wishes.

[Sampson]

Denial is the killer. I was Trickle Truthed and faced Denials for over 8m. Drove me bat **** crazy.

 

I recovered delete messages using Dr. Fone, gave me the yup it happened more.

 

Then I fake scheduled a polygraph appointment for her. Told her she had to pass or we would divorce. She tried to wiggle out squirm every mind trick in the book to avoid it. I held my ground. The day before I sat her down had a serious discussion about the results of the test. Showed her that I had already meet with an attorney, which I had. Told her I knew she would fail it and what I was going to have to do and it was up to her to change that by coming clean. She rolled over and confessed.

 

I had planned to fake a call from the polygraph expert that the appointment would need to be rescheduled and then would have actually made one. But figured I could fake it the first time and see what came out in the laundry.

 

Cheaters will literally take it to the grave!!! They feel they are protecting you from pain. When in reality it is only protecting themselves. So you have to show them the grave sort of speak.

[ChatroomHero]

Here is the thing - any confrontation you start will end with all parties involved acting like you are crazy and will tell convincing lies. You will never get closure in the form of a full confession. It's almost pointless, and will be completely frustrating. It will be turned around on you.

 

 

You could have video of your friend and husband together yelling, "We're cheating! We're cheating on sacredspace and deleting texts about our affair!", and they will deny it and find a way to turn it around on you. You were snooping... The video was a joke because they knew you were snooping... You have a guilty conscience because you must be cheating...you drove him to it...they were behind the shed and texting about a surprise birthday party for you but you did something wrong so that is why they never had it...

 

 

Confrontation will get you know where. Simply stating what you know and leaving it at that is about the best you can do. You know what happened. When you are in a discussion and it starts getting turned around on you, simply leave the discussion. I have found in a situation like this, being a stone wall is the best you can do. A full confession will not change anything. Even if you got one, in the end you won't feel any better because you'll think, 'I already knew that'. State what you already know to be true, put up the stone wall, and use that as your closure.

[sacredspace747]

Wow..... thank you ChatroomHero, Sampson and everyone else.....again as I said this is all a bit new to me, never spoken to people on the internet before, but it is SO SO powerful..... makes me get through my day with alot more strength xx

Edited February 22, 2017 by sacredspace747

[oldshirt]

Again I'll ask; what is the purpose of the confrontation and why is it necessary?

 

Do the husband and the OW not know that they are having an affair???

 

Do they need the OP to inform them that they are cheating and provide them with documented, undeniable proof signed and notarized by a duly recognized authority?

 

Assuming the WH and the OW Know they are cheating and the OP knows they are cheating, what purpose does this confrontation bear?

 

If the OP doesn't wish to remain in a 3-way triangle and remain with a recalcitrant cheating husband, then she can divorce him.

 

If she wants to reconcile and "save the marriage", it's gonna be a little tough, because he is still involved with the other woman and shows no signs or wanting or intending to stop.

 

If she wants to just suck it up and remain married inspite of his A because he brings home a good income and keeps the garage clean, then it is in her best interests to keep her mouth shut and not rock the boat.

 

Since a happy and healthy monogamous marriage isn't really an option if he refuses to stop seeing OW, that leaves her with the other two options and neither one of those options requires absolute proof or written confessions.

 

So I'll go back to what I asked in the opening posts of the thread, what is to be gained by trying to force a confession??

 

He's a cheat and a lier and like the songs says - "cheaters gonna cheat cheat cheat cheat. Liers gonna lie lie lie lie lie.."