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The Battle Within


Deeplyhurt30

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Happy New Year--been a week or two since I have been on. I am 2.5 months post finding out of my husbands affair. I wanted to ask if there are others who have had such a hard time dealing in recovery that they started having anxiety or ptsd. I think I am going through this now. I thought I was doing better, my husband has been working with me, but triggers have been hitting me harder than normal this week. I am noticing thoughts accompanied by heart races, continuously, things have been coming to my mind that I didnt notice before making me very angry....even when i feel like we are doing ok.....yesterday I spent two hours crying in my closet...i feel very depressed. just typing this out has somewhat lifted my spirit. why are these triggers flooding my mind so hard. is this a normal process?

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I'm feeling exactly the same, I do think trauma hits you in different ways, I've been so strong over the last few months but now feel I'm falling apart with the 'grief' of it all.

 

 

Stay strong, it sounds like you are both trying to head to a better place?

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Yes we are trying to make it through this, we still want to be together...he is showing that he is trying---the feelings are still there though--constantly feeling like I am "on the lookout" or any little thing that looks suspicious.....certain activities that I do as simple as working out ---the thoughts come to my mind..hard....her asking me for workout advice, us working out together, while behind my back she was having an affair with my husband. it just becomes hard to breathe when they all hit.

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Deeplyhurt30,

 

Time will help, the triggers will get less, and there will be a point the you will think of what happen and not feel bad, just remember. The whole forgiving, but never being able to forget. Best thing is to talk it out, and just power through it. Do not let this rule your life, you can be in control.

 

To this day there are songs, that when I hear, I remember. Also, she cheated on a holiday, so there is a under currant of crap that I have to remember, while having fun. I just choose to not let the memories get in the way. BTW, I know your husband went trough this himself and should be understanding. I know talking to devil somewhat, but if reconciliation is going forward, he may have some insights on how to cope. He probably has triggers himself, and maybe able to talk about how he deals with them. IC, may help, but I found the cost to be high, if you can afford it, give that a try. I think sometime, IC can make things last longer. Just my opinion.

 

Lastly, church, if you believe, can be most helpful.

 

I wish you luck

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Please know it's normal. They're waves you must ride. I agree that therapy is so helpful in smoothing out the rough edges. Time will heal this but only if you deal head-on. I'm 2+ years out. I'm not taken out at the knees anymore, and the crying on the shower floor is in the past.

 

See someone. Do not stuff it down. And this is normal. You are suffering and it's real.

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40somethingGuy
Happy New Year--been a week or two since I have been on. I am 2.5 months post finding out of my husbands affair. I wanted to ask if there are others who have had such a hard time dealing in recovery that they started having anxiety or ptsd. I think I am going through this now. I thought I was doing better, my husband has been working with me, but triggers have been hitting me harder than normal this week. I am noticing thoughts accompanied by heart races, continuously, things have been coming to my mind that I didnt notice before making me very angry....even when i feel like we are doing ok.....yesterday I spent two hours crying in my closet...i feel very depressed. just typing this out has somewhat lifted my spirit. why are these triggers flooding my mind so hard. is this a normal process?

 

I know this sounds bad but it is true and may help you. You should really tell your husband that you are not sure you can stay together. You cannot un-ring a bell and this happened and will forever change your legacy with your husband. You definitely have ptsd. Make him sweat. Forget the 'I'm sorry's'. You need to be in a relationship where infidelity is not the poison that drives you. He deserves to hurt and understand what he potentially may lose. Maybe keep the door open for a crack but maybe explain that in divorcing him you get his money and the chance to give yourself to someone who won't hurt you and will cherish you. That the #1 person in the world who was supposed to love and protect you betrayed you and you want the chance to be with someone who would never betray you. By all means make him hurt.

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Mrs. John Adams

Remember that each day in reconciliation...is a battle toward winning the war. We take two steps ahead and one step back. But eventually we get somewhere.

 

Even if down this path...you decide that you can no longer fight...you will know that you have given your best effort.

 

Pain lasts a lifetime...and triggers are little reminders of the pain....little memories. They will always happen....and we cannot control that...but we can control our reaction to them.

 

For many years....my husband would become overwhelmed by triggers....he would go into deep depression. As the years have gone by....as he has come to see my remorse that i understand the pain i have caused him....the triggers have grown less frequent....and less intense...but I want you to know...they still happen....and they happen for me as well.

 

One of the things I would encourage you to do...is tell him when they happen. For one thing....it always helps to be held in his arms and to be told and to be reassured.

 

this not only makes you feel better but it will make him feel better as well. A wayward who truly wants to help his betrayed heal....embraces the opportunities to comfort and to understand. If you don't share with him the bad things...how can he confront them and help you deal with them?

 

Hold your head up....allow yourself time to heal....one step at a time...one day at a time love.....it will get better. I promise.....

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my husband has been working with me

 

Working with you to deal with this or expecting you to get over it?

 

There's a great pinned thread at the top of the Infidelity forum titled "Things that every wayward spouse needs to know". It can help you in two ways, both enabling him to understand some of what you're going through and guiding you in determining if he's really doing the work necessary.

 

You might consider printing out parts of it for reference...

 

Mr. Lucky

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It sounds like you are suppressing your anger bc your WS is trying to be helpful.

 

How could you not be angry? Even though he is doing the right thing now, that does not absolve him from causing this huge life altering problem for you. You should be furious! Regardless of what he is doing now.

 

It is understandable that you are not. You are still in shock, numb. More worried about how to salvage the relationship than anything else. Eventually this will pass and you will feel the anger. The sooner the better. It is a necessary stage. Don't try to suppress it. Welcome it.

 

That is not to say get vindictive, get revenge. No, just feel the anger. Let it come. Listen to it. It will teach you valuable things. Things that will protect you in the future.

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DH, you are so early in the process. What you are going through is normal. I do encourage you to seek counseling for yourself.

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It's been going on 2 years for us and I would say we are doing as well as we possible could. The other night we were watching a show and there was an infidelity theme and my pulse shot up (I wear a FitBit so I could see precisely how much) and stayed up for over an hour. Ugh. It's a real thing. Are you in counseling? You need strategies for how to cope when this happens. My WH said, "How can we help you with this PTSD?" and I just said to be sympathetic and let me know I'm not crazy or judged for reacting that way, and he said OK.

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Four years out from DD1, a little over two years of both of us working on reconciliation. Triggers still come, they no longer reduce me to tears. What has helped me most is working on my relationship with God, and my own prayer life.

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ShatteredLady
It's been going on 2 years for us and I would say we are doing as well as we possible could.....

My WH said, "How can we help you with this PTSD?" and I just said to be sympathetic and let me know I'm not crazy or judged for reacting that way, and he said OK.

 

 

We are also about 2 years from when it started but more like 15-18 months since I finally learnt the truth. I spent the first year crying, at some point, every single day. Now I'm back hom in my country with my family it's a lot less but still frequent. I still have many panic attacks despite being on medication & my H being a lot kinder & loving.

 

I fear that it's going to be a much longer journey for me because I can't see my H reacting like yours. He does not hold me & reassure me when it happens. We very, very rarely say anything about it. When I raise the subject I do feel crazy AND judged.

 

Trying to discuss it....which I confess is motivated by me wanting & needing warmth & reassurances....always makes me feel more lost & depressed.

 

Its a great start if your H is doing everything that he can to help you heal. I still think it takes time & a lot of compassion & empathy to get anywhere near healed from such a traumatic experience.

 

Will the WS ever truly understand our pain? I like to think it is possible. I think Mrs Adams honestly does.

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For me, the early days were really just damage control for me. I wasn't remotely prepared for what I discovered. I also wasn't ready to lose my family, my wife, my kids, and everything I'd invested in for 18 years. I was also caught up in hypervigilance, trying to really determine how deep the rabbit hole went. While I had grief and anger, I was mostly distracted and trying to figure out what to do and how to keep some semblance of my life together.

 

It wasn't until several months post Dday that my emotional response really started kicking in. It became clear that my wife wasn't leaving, that we were reconciling. In short, I started to feel safe. When the initial damage control phase ended, I remember just starting to think, "You know, I don't much appreciate that this has happened." I started to get pissed off, for real. I had lost a ton of weight, more sleep than you could calculate, and I certainly had PTSD. And it made me angry. My anger got worse over time, rather than better.

 

I also think my grief ratcheted up. At first I was naive enough to think that I could just decide to forgive and that within a few weeks or months we'd be back to normal (assuming that she was remorseful and all that). But I began to realize that this really was going to take years and that, in reality, I would likely never be the same. That marriage I had invested in for so many years was really just gone and I would be forever changed.

 

Unfortunately, shock and panic mode wears off and morphs into something else that's different but equally painful.

 

The good news is that, while the stages of grief do last longer than we'd like, you do eventually reach a place of acceptance. That helps alot.

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Mrs. John Adams
We are also about 2 years from when it started but more like 15-18 months since I finally learnt the truth. I spent the first year crying, at some point, every single day. Now I'm back hom in my country with my family it's a lot less but still frequent. I still have many panic attacks despite being on medication & my H being a lot kinder & loving.

 

I fear that it's going to be a much longer journey for me because I can't see my H reacting like yours. He does not hold me & reassure me when it happens. We very, very rarely say anything about it. When I raise the subject I do feel crazy AND judged.

 

Trying to discuss it....which I confess is motivated by me wanting & needing warmth & reassurances....always makes me feel more lost & depressed.

 

Its a great start if your H is doing everything that he can to help you heal. I still think it takes time & a lot of compassion & empathy to get anywhere near healed from such a traumatic experience.

 

Will the WS ever truly understand our pain? I like to think it is possible. I think Mrs Adams honestly does.

 

SL...When we watch a movie....when we see a particular car......little things....even today trigger us. Believe it or not...I probably trigger as much as he does....because i worry as soon as i see it...what it is doing to him.

 

The other day for example....we are watching CMT countdown.....and here comes a video....and there's the damn car.....in the video. I don't know whether to change the channel....or say something...or sit silently praying that he isn't hurting.....but the thing is...my heart rate goes up....my eyes tear....and i think DAMNIT!

 

It is one of those things...that will NEVER EVER GO AWAY......and it is my fault. I did this to us....by my own choice.

 

Now...let me say...he handled it well...he did not say anything....and i did not notice a mood change....but i know it hurt...i know he was reminded.

 

It truly sucks.....but it is part of our lives...and even if we had divorced...I believe those kinds of triggers still happen for the betrayed.

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It sounds like you are suppressing your anger bc your WS is trying to be helpful.

 

How could you not be angry? Even though he is doing the right thing now, that does not absolve him from causing this huge life altering problem for you. You should be furious! Regardless of what he is doing now.

 

It is understandable that you are not. You are still in shock, numb. More worried about how to salvage the relationship than anything else. Eventually this will pass and you will feel the anger. The sooner the better. It is a necessary stage. Don't try to suppress it. Welcome it.

 

That is not to say get vindictive, get revenge. No, just feel the anger. Let it come. Listen to it. It will teach you valuable things. Things that will protect you in the future.

 

 

 

I think you have hit my way of thinking, I am trying hard to not let anger set in because I do see that my husband is trying... in that sense I try to "stay off his case" to avoid arguing... but sometimes when I let it build inside of me all day- I do see that by doing this makes my way of talking to him more explosive. To him he explains to me that the last two years of arguing (although the majority was about feeling like something was going on with him and another woman- which this part too is still so hard-- the waiting two years to tell me) the arguing had made him want to avoid any more arguments because he feels it had pushed him away in the past. So in return I fight the anger, which really and truly may not be what I need to do. It really does feel like a battle inside my mind. It wears me out mentally.

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Mrs. John Adams
I think you have hit my way of thinking, I am trying hard to not let anger set in because I do see that my husband is trying... in that sense I try to "stay off his case" to avoid arguing... but sometimes when I let it build inside of me all day- I do see that by doing this makes my way of talking to him more explosive. To him he explains to me that the last two years of arguing (although the majority was about feeling like something was going on with him and another woman- which this part too is still so hard-- the waiting two years to tell me) the arguing had made him want to avoid any more arguments because he feels it had pushed him away in the past. So in return I fight the anger, which really and truly may not be what I need to do. It really does feel like a battle inside my mind. It wears me out mentally.

 

First...it is not fair to YOU to keep in inside....so tell him

 

Second....if he is really trying...then he would WANT you to tell him

 

You see...if he wants to help you heal from the hurt he has caused you....then that means he is willing to listen to the things you are feeling...even if it hurts.

 

So STOP trying to coddle him. He caused this... he should be able to take it and smart enough to know he only has himself to blame.

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I think you have hit my way of thinking, I am trying hard to not let anger set in because I do see that my husband is trying... in that sense I try to "stay off his case" to avoid arguing... but sometimes when I let it build inside of me all day- I do see that by doing this makes my way of talking to him more explosive. To him he explains to me that the last two years of arguing (although the majority was about feeling like something was going on with him and another woman- which this part too is still so hard-- the waiting two years to tell me) the arguing had made him want to avoid any more arguments because he feels it had pushed him away in the past. So in return I fight the anger, which really and truly may not be what I need to do. It really does feel like a battle inside my mind. It wears me out mentally.

 

Internalising the anger you rightly feel towards your husband will do you no good whatsoever.

 

The Simple Truth about Anger

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Internalising the anger you rightly feel towards your husband will do you no good whatsoever.

 

The Simple Truth about Anger

 

That was a great article, thank you. I really hope things get better, I do understand that I need to go through the proper process.

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Happy New Year--been a week or two since I have been on. I am 2.5 months post finding out of my husbands affair. I wanted to ask if there are others who have had such a hard time dealing in recovery that they started having anxiety or ptsd. I think I am going through this now. I thought I was doing better, my husband has been working with me, but triggers have been hitting me harder than normal this week. I am noticing thoughts accompanied by heart races, continuously, things have been coming to my mind that I didnt notice before making me very angry....even when i feel like we are doing ok.....yesterday I spent two hours crying in my closet...i feel very depressed. just typing this out has somewhat lifted my spirit. why are these triggers flooding my mind so hard. is this a normal process?
I think you have hit my way of thinking, I am trying hard to not let anger set in because I do see that my husband is trying... in that sense I try to "stay off his case" to avoid arguing... but sometimes when I let it build inside of me all day- I do see that by doing this makes my way of talking to him more explosive. To him he explains to me that the last two years of arguing (although the majority was about feeling like something was going on with him and another woman- which this part too is still so hard-- the waiting two years to tell me) the arguing had made him want to avoid any more arguments because he feels it had pushed him away in the past. So in return I fight the anger, which really and truly may not be what I need to do. It really does feel like a battle inside my mind. It wears me out mentally.
2.5 months is nothing as BetrayedH and others may have indicated. You will also later refer to this period the beginning. The PTSD and roller-coaster emotions are all normal as you've also probably read or been told.

 

But what I'm reacting to so strongly is something that I also did - almost exactly - and it's so very damaging to you. That is: You're going into closets to express your rage, getting depressed **, holding it in and then bursting. But by far the most injurious is your husband "working with" you by - what? - telling you to "avoid arguing" because it "pushed him away in the past." At best, this is blame-shifting; at worst, it's creating its own trauma. And that soul-sucking depression that consumes you at times? Repressed anger. And then there it is: that "explosive" way of talking, as you so delicately put it. In fact, suppressing your feelings so he'll stick around makes his wish to "avoid more arguments" emotional blackmail. You're triggering BECAUSE you're denying some basic impulses you're feeling and taking responsibility for his (lack of) commitment! However you both spin it, this is what your inner agony is saying.

 

All he really should be telling you is he understands, he's sorry, and has no expectations. You two are not at that place of talking through yours and his mistakes over the years and how these played into the current situation. Nor is it your fault that you can't.

 

My therapist made me realize that my ** depression was really anger that I wasn't allowing and that the most important thing in the beginning is just to acknowledge what you're feeling and not deny it. It's not simple and it's not easy.

 

Are you in therapy?

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2.5 months is nothing as BetrayedH and others may have indicated. You will also later refer to this period the beginning. The PTSD and roller-coaster emotions are all normal as you've also probably read or been told.

 

But what I'm reacting to so strongly is something that I also did - almost exactly - and it's so very damaging to you. That is: You're going into closets to express your rage, getting depressed **, holding it in and then bursting. But by far the most injurious is your husband "working with" you by - what? - telling you to "avoid arguing" because it "pushed him away in the past." At best, this is blame-shifting; at worst, it's creating its own trauma. And that soul-sucking depression that consumes you at times? Repressed anger. And then there it is: that "explosive" way of talking, as you so delicately put it. In fact, suppressing your feelings so he'll stick around makes his wish to "avoid more arguments" emotional blackmail. You're triggering BECAUSE you're denying some basic impulses you're feeling and taking responsibility for his (lack of) commitment! However you both spin it, this is what your inner agony is saying.

 

All he really should be telling you is he understands, he's sorry, and has no expectations. You two are not at that place of talking through yours and his mistakes over the years and how these played into the current situation. Nor is it your fault that you can't.

 

My therapist made me realize that my ** depression was really anger that I wasn't allowing and that the most important thing in the beginning is just to acknowledge what you're feeling and not deny it. It's not simple and it's not easy.

 

Are you in therapy?

 

 

 

 

Thank you merrmeade for expressing your thoughts--yes the closet has become my place of crying, screaming on the inside, just wanting to be alone at times... I am not able to get into therapy at the moment but my mom actually just told me that she has a friend who is a licensed psychologist whom she knows would talk to me. I am just waiting on her to get back to me. Honestly this weekend is what triggered it the most....riding past a road where he told me he had done things with her, telling myself in my mind--im just going to let it go, we haven't argued in a while....then at the almost exact minute I tell myself this, a car just like hers acts like it is going to pull out in front of me as i hit the brakes. ....my whole body went into shock and thats honestly when I began feeling the anxiety the worst. that was Saturday night and today it is still coming and going. My mind is like a constant movie--playing thoughts, assumptions, questioning, ....it just hasnt been this bad so far.

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You know, DH, the first therapist I talked to completely threw me with her insistence that I "forget about him" (WH) for now and decide later what I want to do long-term. Then I discovered there's a line of thought like this that says that right after infidelity, betrayed spouses are too fragile, too shell-shocked, too damaged to do marriage counseling. This line of thought recommends that WS and BS get separate IC.

 

At the time I thought from what I'd read that the WS should help the BS heal and they should go through all the ups and downs together. That all sounded grand and I also was determined that WH should have to go through it with me.

 

Well, I don't think that any more because I don't think WS can EVER empathize enough or maybe even comprehend what they've done. That reality makes such an expectation crushing when it doesn't happens which means the BS is also not getting real help. I think the BS needs are so great at this time that it's actually harmful to throw the WS in the mix and make BS have to think about and address their partners' concerns as well as their own.

 

I think you even called it a battle up there. It's a freaking war you're fighting to get your sanity, wholeness and confidence back and in my opinion worrying about WS reactions has no place in the fight. If you wait until you're in a stronger place to Deal with WS, you'll recognize his limitations and misconceptions for what they are - HIS problem - when right now you're actually trying to honor.

 

That argumentative thing really, REALLY got to me on your behalf. How dare he? That's the most insensitive comment someone in his position could possibly make and that's about the nicest thing I can say. The worst is that it's tantamount to emotional blackmail. Whether he's not realizing how it's affected you is irrelevant. Either way it's self-serving to put it the way he has: Your argumentativeness pushed him away (ahem, and toward her) - GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!

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Mrs. John Adams

I would like to point out something...you are only 2.5 months out...but so is he.

 

He doesn't have a clue of The things he should be doing and should be saying anymore than you do.

 

Yes...I promise...he is going to say and do wrong things...and he may do so for the next 30 years...or even for the rest of his life. While we all like to think that we should be able to pick up a book...and follow the directions....right toward the goal of reconciliation.....

 

We are ALL humans...with feelings and faults....and we don't all follow directions well. Betrayed and waywards alike make many mistakes on this path.

 

Cut both of you some slack....only you know your husband....only you know in your gut if you think he is being sincere and truly trying to do better.

 

I said a trillion wrong things....even though i was trying...I did not know how to reconcile anymore than my husband did.

 

You know...my husband came to a forum several years ago...asking WHAT IS REMORSE? How do i know I see it?

 

Several people answered his question...some said divorce her...some said...she is showing you remorse by her actions...

 

He thought about it and saw what they were saying.

 

Your husband has said some horrible things and done some horrible things. Yes....watch him....yes be aware.....of the things he is not doing by the book....but also watch for the things he says and does that are RIGHT.

 

My husband said to me one time....you should just KNOW the right thing to say....

 

I should? How do I know the right thing to say? I haven't ever done this before.

 

I guess what i am trying to say is this....it is easy for those of us who have years and months of reconciliation behind us to forget how we struggled in the beginning....it is easy for us to tell those just starting down this path the things it has taken us a long time to learn ourselves. ...and each of us has our own learning curve.

 

The important thing for you right now is that the two of you be honest with each other...and be patient with each other....and be encouraging to each other. Know WHY you have chosen to reconcile...and keep focused on that. You will get there....time is your best friend.....it takes time.....and love.

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Agreed, Mrs. JA, and nicely put.

 

But you also have to allow your feelings and not bury, hide or ignore them. If it's too much for your husband to be around, you could have a signal when a big one's coming on and you think it's better you have some privacy for this one. I guess that's what the closet serves, but I hate for us to have to crawl around to find some place to cry and vent. But a tad demeaning - seems to me.

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