Husband gets TONS of support from another web site and he is a serial cheater?!

[LoveNoLoss]

Ok.. first of all, those that know my story... I had an affair which allowed me to uncover my husband's double life of cheating on me with numerous women for our ENTIRE marriage.

 

It pisses me off so much that he thinks I am in a fog because I am still with OM.. and calls it "just" an affair.. blah blah blah..

 

ummm... WE ARE NOT TOGETHER ANYMORE!! So, when does the word AFFAIR go out the door??? He has been a serial cheater his whole life and put my life endanger of getting AIDS because he didn't use a condom with his band groupies.. so, now he has been "clean" for oh a whoppin 8 months.. and I am the bad one because I am still with OM... ok.. I don't think my affair was ok.. but umm.. I can't help but to believe it saved me from more harm from my husband... He now says he is a reformed cheater.. and has people cheerleading his a$$.

 

If I am out of line here.. please let me know ... I like honesty as I didn't get ANY in my 8 year marriage...

 

THoughts anyone? Mz Pixie??

[Pocky]

You're not with whom? Are you separated from your husband and filing for divorce?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Sometimes, the damage is irreparable and there is nothing left worth saving. If you are with OM, and happy - then why not just make your separation a legal one that ends with divorce? Just because he claims that he is no longer a serial cheater doesn't obligate you to stay with him. Do you want to stay with him?

 

As for the cheerleading - that's to be expected given that particular site.

[whichwayisup]

so, now he has been "clean" for oh a whoppin 8 months.. and I am the bad one because I am still with OM...

 

OK well if you are still 'with' your husband and living together, then END the affair with OM. Give your marriage a chance! Do you love your husband? Do you still want to be married to him?

 

All I can say is TWO wrongs do not make a right.

[LoveNoLoss]

We have been separated since last July... we haven't lived together since then either.. I kicked him out and then moved into my own apartment... I have been filling out divorce papers and he saw that when he was over the other day.. he is in denial I guess

 

I never thought 2 wrongs make a right... I just don't understand all the touting that is is a healed serial cheater and I should be with him because of that... I KNOW what a "fog" is.. and I am not in one...

 

I just don't like to be made out like I am crazy because I won't get back with him...

[Mz. Pixie]

I agree with Lucrecia.

 

I understand where you're coming from partly. I tried for years and years to get my husband interested in our marriage. He never would be. I finally had a breakdown of sorts and was vulnerable. I ended up having an affair. It scared me and I left him soon after- but not for the OM. Then I ended up meeting someone.

 

These people are merely cheerleading him online. Imagine how you would feel if you lost every significant relationship you'd had for the last 15 years. What he did doesn't matter a bit to anyone, all that matters is that I'm a cheater. He and his family put me through hell on earth- and they are suposed to be such good "Christians". My best friend quit speaking to me- and she knew about the a all along- I guess it was something about everyone else knowing??

 

If I were you I wouldn't go there and read those posts. If you're truly happy with OM then get a divorce and begin to move on. I know what he did hurt you but what he says about you doesn't really matter. What I've learned is that no one knows what happens in a marriage but the two people involved and God. Other people may think that they know, but they don't really. As long as you know what happened then do not get your self esteem from what other people think- you can't possibly. Besides, you know half of what he's saying isn't true.

 

What I believe is happening here is that he's just trading one addiction for another. He used to get his self esteem from his groupies at his gigs- now he's getting it in the form of affirmation on that site. Make sense? That kind of shows that he truly hasn't changed. I certainly do not come here to get praise- I come here to read and get advice and give advice if I can help someone. It seems to me like he just wants fuel to add to his fire.

[LoveNoLoss]

I will always love my husband... but I can't get back with him knowing he was with 7 other women under my nose.. literally... Believe me, he is a very sick man... I already caught him twice earlier in our marriage and this was a third strike you are out kinda thing...

 

Sometimes, love isn't enough.

[LoveNoLoss]

Mz Pixie... Good point.. I never thought of the fact that he is trading one affirmation for another... interesting..

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by LoveNoLoss

I just don't like to be made out like I am crazy because I won't get back with him...

 

I understand, completely.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yeah, I know I hadn't thought about it either until I read that post- it just hit me out of the blue. He's gotta get it somewhere!

 

His therapist needs to tell him to focus on himself and not so much on you!

[HokeyReligions]

Well, I like the other site, but I always stayed away from the message boards there. I think though, this is a prime example of why links to that other site have been removed from this board. If you use the info as a tool with your own counselor, it can be helpful. Otherwise its just like here---you are getting opinions from people who only know what you tell them.

 

That being said, it shouldn't make one bit of difference to you what someone on a message board says about you. Who cares? You didn't post asking for their opinions of you -- their opinons were based on someone else's description of events.

 

Here you will get responses based on your description of events.

 

So what if he thinks you are in a fog. Good. Let him think that. It should have no effect on you. Would his thinking the trees were blue instead of brown have any bearing on you? No. Do you care what the boy you had a crush on in the 5th grade thinks now? It doesn't effect you - o don't worry about what you can't control and/or what doesn't effect you.

 

Get the divorce and let go. Unless there was a technical reason (returning property, signing papers) he shouldn't have even been over to your apartment. You don't have to have any contact with him outside of divorce proceedings. You can't move on yourself when you are still clutching some part of your past, especially if what you clutch is anger.

[whichwayisup]

I will always love my husband... but I can't get back with him knowing he was with 7 other women under my nose.. literally... Believe me, he is a very sick man... I already caught him twice earlier in our marriage and this was a third strike you are out kinda thing...

 

Sometimes, love isn't enough.

 

Yup, sometimes love isn't enough...I can totally understand why the trust would be completely gone.

 

The marriage is probably over and maybe he really has turned a new leaf...Who knows? Obviously he has a good support system going on at this other site. Let him have his support. Try not to go there and read his posts...It's just gonna piss you off more.

[LucreziaBorgia]

To get back on topic...

 

For some people, the 'sanctity of marriage' outweighs the happiness of the individual partners: no matter how desperately unhappy you are and want to leave and be with someone else, there are people who would much rather see you 'repent' and then go to therapy to make yourself fall back in love with a man who destroyed you with his endless affairs just so that you'll "fight for your marriage".

 

What will you be fighting for? If the cheating was all along, and probably three more encounters for every one you actually found out about - then what on earth is there to save? The marriage was a sham to begin with. What's there to fix? It started out broken, it sounds like to me. How can you fix a marriage that was never healthy to begin with?

 

I know you loved him at one time, before you found out - and your actions sound like nothing more than a person having trouble letting go of the man she thought her husband was. The husband in your heart never existed, and I don't blame you for not wanting to stay married to the person he actually is.

 

He's doing what he thinks is best for him. You do what is right for you. If it includes divorce, then so be it.

[LoveNoLoss]

Thanks Lucrezia...

 

You said it better than anyone could...

[dewt]

Hi all, 'specially LoveNoLoss

 

In the interests of honesty and openness, I'd like to introduce myself as a poster on the web site your husband posts on and reader. I'm known there as dewt. I've been following your husband's story pretty much from the beginning but haven't really posted to him largely because in a lot of ways, I identify with him and if I knew what to post to him, well then half my own problems would be solved wouldn't they? Considering the following, you'd think we'd be best buddies, holding each other up, but we've never connected...

 

Anyway I've come here and come across your posts and was struck by how much of my wife's pain I read in your posts. And that stirred something in me that I'm not really understanding, but here I am replying anyway.

 

I used to play in a band... Been married twice... 'Reformed' serial cheater... Trying like heck to save a marriage to a woman who became embroiled in her own affair... So far, have acheived very limited success... questions of love not being enough... etc...

 

So again, I do not come here with advice, not to judge, defend or anything.

 

Simply to share some of my story.

 

I joined the other site in 1999, after the D-day of a three month affair with one of my clients. During that period, my past was put in the spotlight. Multiple affairs during my 4 year marriage not to mention affairs responsible for the end of virtually every relationship I've ever had.

 

Something snapped in me that autumn. I fully realized the depth of the love I had for my wife. I fully realized how important my family is to me. (I have 2 kids) And for the first time, I really truly and profoundly became aware of how much pain I caused. To date, it is the most painful, extreme experience I've ever been through and I've buried my Mom, My Brother and lost my family, seen my son lose his family...

 

So in 1999, I threw myself into the other site, fully committed to rebuilding myself... fully committed to becoming the Man and Husband my wife deserved to have.

 

Then came the test.

 

For 5 years I basically spun my wheels. I was fully committed... yes. %100 dedicated, yes. But a because of a combination of factors (this is a Long List), recovery was never really acheived. Our marriage was still in trouble, needs not being met...

 

Conditions RIPE for an affair.

 

And for 5 years, an affair didn't happen. And that, in itself, is pretty good, all things considered. 5 years is a long time to be in a relationship that's slowly deteriorating...

 

But it wasn't me this time. It was her. And I lost everything because of it.

 

Total and complete karma.

 

And here I am, a year later, still fully committed and still fully dedicated. I've made some big mistakes along the way, but I'm on track. We are living together, but nowhere near recovery. I recently discovered that their affair has been continuing. Exposure led to NC and my Wife and I have agreed to resolve our issues before we make and decisions regarding the marriage.

 

It is a very painful and extreme situation, but I am determined to bear it and not only that build something beautiful of the ruins I've helped to create. If I can never win back the Love and Trust of my Wife, then sadly that is the price I will have to pay for mistakes I made so long ago. That's very discouraging, but then again, I can hardly complain, can I?

 

Either way, I'm facing the music. Learning, growing, and becoming the Man I want to be. I honestly feel that if my Wife could find forgiveness in her heart both for me and herself, she could see the potential we represent.

 

Because the fact is, I'm a different person now than I was 5 years ago. I'm a different person than I was last year, even. And next year, I'll be looking back on this period as a stepping stone in my growth...

 

My point is, and the reason I just had to post is that I want you all to know that it is POSSIBLE for someone who has made terrible decisions to repent and become better.

 

Love is not enough. This is definitely true. But if there is Love there, if there is that connection... sometimes it's worth fighting for.

 

I can see the pain in your posts. I can see how torn you are.

 

I guess if I had anything to say, it'd be this:

 

What if?

 

What if he's sincere? (I don't know him, you do.)

 

What if he's one of the ones who can really change? (Only time will tell for sure)

 

What if you both were to commit to really addressing your issues? With professional help - individually and together? Even if you are not yet ready to recommit to the marriage itself...

 

What if you two were successful in this, and found something worth pursuing? What if you faced it all head on and made it out the other side together?

 

Where would you be? Is the connection you share worth it? Is the Love you have with this man rare enough to fight for?

 

Like I said, I don't really know either of you. But I just had to post. I know another poster recently got blasted for cross posting... and if I've invaded anyone's privacy or stuck my nose in where it didn't belong, I'm truly truly sorry to have offended. If asked, I'll wipe this site from my browsers memory and never return...

 

In the end, I just wanted to say that people can change.

 

John

[LoveNoLoss]

Dewt,

 

I appreciate your kind and sincere words especially in the light of an out of line cross poster from the "other" site. The principles of MB may work wonders for others but I find that (as someone else said here) that saving the sanctity of marriage strictly for the institution of it regardless of past events is not something I believe in.

 

I DO believe people can change... and Bravo to you for changing your ways.. You see, there are hundreds of reasons as to why people cheat and no two people can be boxed together in similarity. I am not sure why you cheated or if you even know... you seem to be similar to my husband in that you have cheated your entire life?

 

My husband approached me and courted me while he was married to someone else... that much I should have seen as a red flag, but like many of us do, we shove it under the carpet and call it simple semantics. I have learned much from that choice that I made. I also have learned alot from the choice that I made to have an affair. I had horrible lack of trust in my husband from the beginning because I had caught him 2 times, cheating on me. I had made a promise to him and myself that if it were to happen again, I would divorce him. Little did I know those feelings were festering inside of me on top of the fact that he preferred to run around with a band every weekend instead of being with me..

 

I am a broken woman and I am dealing with the fact that my husband was never the person I thought he was for our entire marriage. I told my therapist that he is the most compatible person I have ever known and that I wanted that to change.. I want it to change because he was so toxic to me and all these other women. My therapist said, well, he wasn't compatible because he was showing only one side of himself and that the other side was lies and deceit. He said "that is far from compatible". I struggle because I have no healthy part of the marriage to fall back on.. to give me hope. He is a man capable of looking in my eyes and saying "I love you and would never cheat on you" This being said, I believed it many times. I know something is wrong with him. I have had all sorts of suggestions from sex addict to narcissist. It doesn't matter what it is because the sickness is there.

 

Dewt, I don't want to be the woman that freaks out because he is 10 min late from the store, or the person that checks his cell phone for strange number entries. I can assure you that even 10 years down the road (if we were to work it out) I would still question anything that is suspicious. I have the right to start over with a clean slate and have trust that is pure. While many I have talked to say he cannot be reformed because of the nature of his cheating, it is refreshing to see that you have changed.

 

Yes, you do see the pain in my posting. And this also is the most painful time I have ever experienced but I am ready to move on and heal... no matter what that takes. I don't have trust in much these days but I hope that I can at least regain enough back to function normally.

 

It has only been 8 months since our D-day and 7 months since he has stopped contact with his women. This is still oh so fresh. I am also still with the OM so you can see this is an extreme situation to say the least. The good news is that the OM is on the other side of the country and I don't see him all that often which gives me plenty of time in my apartment alone so sit and ponder the future. A future that can go many different ways. All I know is I am dedicated to getting my head together (whatever that takes) and I hope my husband continues to work on the why's of his "way of life". Because if he isn't with me in the future, I would hope he wouldn't destroy another human being as he did me.

 

I don't know if he has true remorse or guilt for leading his double life or how he feels about putting my life in danger by not using a condom with these people but I guess I will never really know because I can't get in his head and see if it's the real thing. I DO know he didn't have guilt during his cheating days so I question whether someone can "buy it off the shelf" later in life? It seems to be that lack of guilt and remorse goes to the subhuman level. Otherwise, how could someone do it for so long and "sleep at night"? I compare it to my days during my affair in which he did not know, I can tell you the guilt made me physically ill and hence the reason I was going to expose it to him because I COULDN"T live like that. I suppose I compare that to him and it just doesn't compute.

 

Anyway, thank you for your post as it meant alot to read someone with a similar situation. Do you know what caused your cheating all your life?

 

LNL

[dewt]

I'm glad my reply didn't upset you. I was pretty scared... the last thing I ever want to do is make a situation worse. As far as the other site goes, well, I have been there for a long time and I have some issues... lol, I'm certainly not what you'd call a typical poster. As for the institution of marriage itself, well there I'm not so black and white either. I believe in fighting for the family, I believe a lot can be overcome and great heights can be reached when two people really want to... but it's not an all-go all-the-time kind of attitude. This may sound kind of harsh, but it just seems to me some marriages are worth fighting for while some are not.

 

NOT that I'm the one to make that call... but sometimes I see a love... a connection... that stands apart as special, and that's pretty much when I feel compelled to speak up.

 

As for why I used to cheat? (and yes, this would be a 'from the start' kind of thing)

 

That's kind of a complicated answer. I could say I was sexually abused when I was younger. I could say it's cause my parents were divorced and no-one ever taught me how to have a relationship. I could definitely say it was self esteem. Unmet emotional needs.... a lot of things could be used to explain the behaviour.

 

I choose to blame pure selfishness.

 

Any number of reasons can be found to explain someone wanting to cheat. Selfishness would be the bottom line reason I crossed the line so many times.

 

As for my changing? Well, the last time I actually cheated was 6 yrs ago now. But I still have a long long way to go before I consider myself fit husband material. This last year has taught me that. But thanks for the encouragement.

 

And as far as the toxic thing, well, we have a fair bit in common there. My Wife and I love each other very very much but our behaviours over the years have all but ruined our life. Toxic indeed. Also enabling, discouraging, and counter-productive. We have decided to deal with these things before we make any decisions concerning our marriage. In the mean time, we live together, co-parent and stay away from other sexual partners.

 

Needless to say this is a difficult arrangement. We are all broken here. Infidelity causes such grave harm. I'm also pretty sure that by the time infidelity rears it's ugly head a fair bit of harm has already been going on for some time. Anyway, we are all broken right now. And we must all get fixed. The trick is to not let your broken heart guide your actions. Deep inside you, beyond the hurt, you know what you should do. I don't know if you can really see that yet. (Please note I'm not saying it's one or the other.... only YOU truly know that.)

 

I'm not here to defend your man's actions. No more than I could ever defend my own. All the explanations in the world won't change the past. I have just one saying that I've held on to that helps me not take everything so darn personally.... it goes, "Do not attribute to maliciousness what can be attributed to foolishness."

 

It helped me lots though my Wife's infidelity. So many things just had me ready to pull my hair out then I would remember back to some of the insane things I've done in my life and I'd remember how messed up my thinking was when I made those decisions.... and yes, even as a serial cheater, I had guilt. And shame. I'm a basically good person and was upset that my selfish actions were causing so much pain. But I still did them...

 

Dewt, I don't want to be the woman that freaks out because he is 10 min late from the store, or the person that checks his cell phone for strange number entries. I can assure you that even 10 years down the road (if we were to work it out) I would still question anything that is suspicious. I have the right to start over with a clean slate and have trust that is pure.

 

This is true. You have every right. With no children involved, you could walk away free and clear.

 

I strongly suspect though, that you would not be entirely happy with that. And I'm really going out on a limb here.... but I suspect that you really love this man. And I suspect that the love you have for him is of that rare and powerful kind... the kind that's worth fighting for....

 

While many I have talked to say he cannot be reformed because of the nature of his cheating, it is refreshing to see that you have changed.

 

Ahh, let the masses say what they will. Only God knows for sure what the future holds. I suspect though, that if you look deep into his eyes, you will be able to tell if he is willing to change... if he is willing to grow and mature and learn how to make you so extremely happy...

 

Yes, you do see the pain in my posting. And this also is the most painful time I have ever experienced but I am ready to move on and heal... no matter what that takes. I don't have trust in much these days but I hope that I can at least regain enough back to function normally.

 

Which ever way you go, I believe you when you say all this.

 

I compare it to my days during my affair in which he did not know, I can tell you the guilt made me physically ill and hence the reason I was going to expose it to him because I COULDN"T live like that. I suppose I compare that to him and it just doesn't compute.

 

Have you asked him about this? As a cheater, I had guilt, but was able to bury it. It made me sick too, but I learned to ignore it. Only in 1999 did it hit me with enough force to act as a catalyst for change. Only when I truly faced losing everything did it really sink in... and BOY did it sink in.

 

Like I say, I've still got a long road to go. And I have a Wife here who has made it pretty clear she's ready to move on... but in my heart, I know what's true and I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

 

I really feel for both of you, and that's why I felt so compelled to post. I could be wrong, but I see something special and I'd cry for both of you if you guys didn't 'make it'.

 

I'm so relieved that I haven't offended anyone with my posting. Thanks so much for taking the time to talk with me.

 

John

[stressedoutjoe]

It seems that your marriage was D.O.A [dead on arrival] because BOTH of you did not respect the sanctity of his previous marriage. Now both of you are reaping the seeds you sowed some years back. I would advice you to consider that your affair with the OM mirrors your H's affair with you when he was married to his previous wife, and if you chose to divorce your H and marry your OM, you'll be repeating history. Good luck.

[DRAGONFLIES]

you both did wrong. it's a good thing your not together anymore anyway. you both could've gave each other something. condoms don't always work.

but to answer your question, when does the word "affair" go out the window. When your divorce is final. I'm a paralegal and i work for a divorce attorney. So, legally, thats when it goes out the window.