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What can I do...


BluesPower

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First, I am really not sure where to put this so I am putting it here.

 

Second, I want all the OW's, and OM for that matter, that are hurting to know that I am so sorry you are hurting. It sucks in everyway, for everybody.

 

And I am so sorry for all the women that I have hurt in the past, I just feel like such a piece of crap about it. I know that I deserve the stuff that is still going on in my life.

 

But today, one of my OW that I thought had finally moved on, sent me, at my work email; a couple of songs about broken hearts. WTF?

 

Look guys why can't she get over it, it has been almost a year? I am just not worth a woman getting in such a twist over?

 

I never, lied to any of my women. I told them from the start what it was about, sex and companionship.

 

I am not the best looking guy in the world. I am OK for my age and that is it. I am not rich, I have a few bucks, so what.

 

I am not the greatest lover in the world, I am a decent lay and that is it. I am just old enough to understand a thing or two about how a woman's body works.

 

It is not my fault that some of these woman did not really understand what decent sex was all about. I mean if I am with a woman, and we are at all compatible, she is going to enjoy herself. What else am I supposed to do?

 

Most of my OW got over everything pretty quick, a few months maybe a little longer.

 

But my god this woman will just not let it go. I have done everything I know to do to help her get over it.

 

Is there anything I can do to help her get over this? I do care for her, and I sorry that she is having a hard time.

 

But come on with this crap, it is time for her to move on with her life. She is never going to have a life with me and I told her that from the start.

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How long did it last?

 

I have a friend that's having a real hard time getting over about a 6 year A but she loves him & he keeps messing with her. So are you sure you've been straight up honest & clear. Not that I don't believe what you're saying but my experience with men has shown me, they say one thing but their actions are different from their words.

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Yes I was always straight, I never felt the need to lie to women.

 

We were "together" off and on for 4 to 5 years.

 

I mean I did really like her, and frankly, she was great in the sack. We had some really good times. But I never chased her or any of them. If a woman wanted to be with me and the feeling was mutual, then we got together. I mean I was not going to turn them down.

 

She new that if my wife got herself together then it was over, they all knew that.

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Yes I was always straight, I never felt the need to lie to women.

 

We were "together" off and on for 4 to 5 years.

 

I mean I did really like her, and frankly, she was great in the sack. We had some really good times. But I never chased her or any of them. If a woman wanted to be with me and the feeling was mutual, then we got together. I mean I was not going to turn them down.

 

She new that if my wife got herself together then it was over, they all knew that.

 

That's a long time! Not many women can handle being sexual with a man for that long & not catching feelings. Is the problem she really wants a life with you? Or just to keep you in her life & you want nothing to do with her?

 

Like my friend...she's married too & loves her MM but she knows they'll never actually be together, she just still wants him in her life. What breaks her heart is the back & fourth...either they're going to continue it or not. One day he's in & then the next what answer he messages. That's what gets to her more than the actual thinking "they're going to be together".

 

Is that at all comparable to your situation? If you really care for her, you can't play with her.

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Oh man.

 

My guess is, even if you were always "straight" with her (in your mind), she had a hope that something else would blossom. She harbored some sort of belief that if you were with her for that long and you guys were that "good" together, you had to have developed feelings like she did.

 

I would bet you didn't keep pounding into her brain that you guys were nothing. You may have said it once or so and then figured if she was good to go after that, it was on her to protect her heart.

 

Still, I'm not blaming you. She most certainly should have had her eyes open. Problem is, women typically do develop feelings...especially after all those years.

 

Did she ONLY send you those songs? No words? That's sort of pitiful. If that's all it was, I (in your shoes) would not respond. You cannot assume her intentions. I mean, we probably know what they were, but without a message from her, I would just stay absolutely silent. She's fishing.

 

If she follows up with an actual email, saying she misses you or whatever, I would say very kindly but firmly - while you care for her, you have reformed your ways and moved on, and you hope that she can do the same.

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Blues I'm gonna guess she struggles with Obsessive thinking and she needs to seek therapy and possibly medication for it. Only she can help herself unfortunately.:(

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What can you do? Nothing, be warned any contact you make runs the risk of perpetuating the situation. You can't give her closure, you can't help her heal and move forward. Secondary is how do you now handle the situation with your wife?

 

I've been in this situation, albeit not an affair but a relationship I had between my divorce and remarriage. I chose to tell my wife explained to her I felt horrible about the situation. She suggested I write her a letter, which I did. She thanked me said it was what she needed. Several months later I get a bundle of emails from her in a span over two weeks. My attempting to help seemed to extend her healing.

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starswewillnavigate

BluesPower - what have you done to help her get over it?

 

That's a long time! Not many women can handle being sexual with a man for that long & not catching feelings. Is the problem she really wants a life with you? Or just to keep you in her life & you want nothing to do with her?

 

Like my friend...she's married too & loves her MM but she knows they'll never actually be together, she just still wants him in her life. What breaks her heart is the back & fourth...either they're going to continue it or not. One day he's in & then the next what answer he messages. That's what gets to her more than the actual thinking "they're going to be together".

 

Is that at all comparable to your situation? If you really care for her, you can't play with her.

 

My gut would be this as well. 4-5 years is a such a long time and some people hate the idea of being "cut off", it can make the feelings more intense because they've gone.

 

It's such a difficult situation, because in the long run cutting her off completely would probably be the best thing but on the other hand some people need time (even though it has been a year already).

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Does your wife know about her? I'd hate to see her come home from work and your pet is cooking on the stove.

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She wants me back, I guess. I told her that was not going to happen when we broke up.

 

I am not sleeping around because my wife is now sober and is actually a real person again.

 

Besides, I also told her, and the rest, that if I did get divorced I was not going to be exclusive with any one woman.

 

Does not seem to matter to her. The rest were able to get over it.

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You can block her.

 

You can tell her not to contact you again, as you're committed to your marriage now.

 

Some women have had crap relationships and been treated badly, so anything half decent* seems like a lottery win to them.

 

I see this a lot in women who have been in abusive relationships. Once they've managed to leave after years, the next guy who emotionally abuses them, seems like a king compared to the one who used to physically abuse them. They have such low self esteem it's sad.

 

* I'm not suggesting your only half decent by the way. ?

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She wants me back, I guess. I told her that was not going to happen when we broke up.

 

I am not sleeping around because my wife is now sober and is actually a real person again.

 

Besides, I also told her, and the rest, that if I did get divorced I was not going to be exclusive with any one woman.

 

Does not seem to matter to her. The rest were able to get over it.

 

Everything was on your terms, including the ending. She went along with it as long as she got "reward" (time with you). Now, there is no reward, so she's not going along with your terms as you'd wish.

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DKT3,

 

My wife knows everything, further she is totally free to leave whenever she wants. In fact, I will pay for her upkeep if she wants a divorce or if she falls off the wagon and I have to divorce her.

 

But, since she has become a sober person and realizes how she screwed me over for 26 years, she would like a chance to keep the marriage together. And, so would I.

 

I love her, in fact she is the only woman that I have ever loved, and no matter what happens with us, she is the only woman that I ever will love.

 

And, before you ask why I ever cheated? The last 6 or 7 years of her addiction she was basically comatose several day a week. So, there was no sex happening at that point.

 

And lets be real, I was not going to go without having sex, that is just crazy talk.

 

Also, you have to realize that until 2 years ago, I could never figure out what was going on with her. I could not abandon her in her "condition" so I just took care of the kids and her, and got my sex somewhere else.

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She wants me back, I guess. I told her that was not going to happen when we broke up.

 

I am not sleeping around because my wife is now sober and is actually a real person again.

 

Besides, I also told her, and the rest, that if I did get divorced I was not going to be exclusive with any one woman.

 

Does not seem to matter to her. The rest were able to get over it.

 

So if it went back & forth for that long, that's why she doesn't think it's over bc you really have never closed the door. If you care about her, write her one last email, that you're sorry she felt more than you did & how you'll always care about her as a person but that your life is now different & you've decided to really try with your wife...send & then block her.

 

If my friend's OM would do that, I know she'd be done but he never "really" ends it (like you continually having second with her when you knew how she felt) & nothing ends until at least one person closes the door for good.

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DKT3,

 

My wife knows everything, further she is totally free to leave whenever she wants. In fact, I will pay for her upkeep if she wants a divorce or if she falls off the wagon and I have to divorce her.

 

But, since she has become a sober person and realizes how she screwed me over for 26 years, she would like a chance to keep the marriage together. And, so would I.

 

I love her, in fact she is the only woman that I have ever loved, and no matter what happens with us, she is the only woman that I ever will love.

 

And, before you ask why I ever cheated? The last 6 or 7 years of her addiction she was basically comatose several day a week. So, there was no sex happening at that point.

 

And lets be real, I was not going to go without having sex, that is just crazy talk.

 

Also, you have to realize that until 2 years ago, I could never figure out what was going on with her. I could not abandon her in her "condition" so I just took care of the kids and her, and got my sex somewhere else.

 

I was just talking about the message from ow, and would you talk to wife about it.

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I think the best thing is not to respond to her or have any contact with her. As long as you engage she continues to live in hope. However delusional that seems to you, it is real in her mind. She thinks that you will eventually come round and see that you actually love her and want to be with her. By talking to her you are fueling that hope.

 

Dont engage. Eventually she will get the message.

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You used her! You loved your wife no one else and could not have sex with her. So found others to have sex with. Who cares that you didn't lie or future fake. Don't say all this crap about how you care about her you don't. As long as your needs were getting met you were fine and you told her the "truth" to assuage your own guilt.

 

You want her to move on then tell her the complete truth. I love my wife. I am never going to leave her or cheat on her now that she is sober and we are having sex. I don't need you anymore.

 

She will move on.

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You used her! You loved your wife no one else and could not have sex with her. So found others to have sex with. Who cares that you didn't lie or future fake. Don't say all this crap about how you care about her you don't. As long as your needs were getting met you were fine and you told her the "truth" to assuage your own guilt.

 

You want her to move on then tell her the complete truth. I love my wife. I am never going to leave her or cheat on her now that she is sober and we are having sex. I don't need you anymore.

 

She will move on.

 

It went both ways. If BLuesPower used her, then she used him just as much. She knew,from the start, what the relationship was.She could have chosen to say no and walk away, and she chosen not to. She is not a victim.

 

I'm not saying that she doesn't have cause to be hurt, but if she sees herself as a victim of him, then she loses her power to heal and move on, hopefully making better choices in the future.

 

Op,

do you know her well enough to know how she handled other break ups or relationships ending? If this is a pattern for her, you may just have to wait it out until she fins someone else. whatever you do,don't engage, as she will attach a huge amount of meaning to anything you say.

 

For example, if you tell her that the relationship with her is over, and you are happy with your wife and have no desire to have another A, she may well interpret that to mean " his wife has him locked down so he can't be with me even though it's what he really wants".

 

If you ignore and block her, then hopefully, she will finally understand it is over and be able to open herself up to meeting someone new.

 

If she has pattern of clinging after a relationship is over, and becoming "stalkerish" ,you may need to take more serious action. Hopefully, you won;t have to.

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Sunshinechica, simmer down now. Why is it that the man the one that is using the woman for sex.

 

Don't women use men for sex? Seems to me like they do. I am a bad person because a woman wants to have sex with me because she needs to get laid. And I should just turn them away because I don't want to be a predator?

 

I kind of think that is degrading to woman. Because what you are saying in a way is that, "Women are to stupid to want to have sex and not be in love". I just don't know if that is really how it is.

 

And so you know, I don't have guilt about having sex with them I have guilt because some of them got hurt. You know some of them did not get hurt. Some of them were happy to use me for sex and send me on my way. I am actually good with that.

 

Also, she new the truth. She new that I loved my wife. I am not sure what I was supposed to do in my situation. I told all of them the truth, and while I did not carry a sigh that said "This is about sex", I told them all what the deal was.

 

I guess women that want to have some decent sex without some deep abiding love are all just stupid. And all men that have sex with them are predators???

 

Is that how it works?

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First, I am really not sure where to put this so I am putting it here.

 

Second, I want all the OW's, and OM for that matter, that are hurting to know that I am so sorry you are hurting. It sucks in everyway, for everybody.

 

And I am so sorry for all the women that I have hurt in the past, I just feel like such a piece of crap about it. I know that I deserve the stuff that is still going on in my life.

 

But today, one of my OW that I thought had finally moved on, sent me, at my work email; a couple of songs about broken hearts. WTF?

 

Look guys why can't she get over it, it has been almost a year? I am just not worth a woman getting in such a twist over?

 

I never, lied to any of my women. I told them from the start what it was about, sex and companionship.

 

I am not the best looking guy in the world. I am OK for my age and that is it. I am not rich, I have a few bucks, so what.

 

I am not the greatest lover in the world, I am a decent lay and that is it. I am just old enough to understand a thing or two about how a woman's body works.

 

It is not my fault that some of these woman did not really understand what decent sex was all about. I mean if I am with a woman, and we are at all compatible, she is going to enjoy herself. What else am I supposed to do?

 

Most of my OW got over everything pretty quick, a few months maybe a little longer.

 

But my god this woman will just not let it go. I have done everything I know to do to help her get over it.

 

Is there anything I can do to help her get over this? I do care for her, and I sorry that she is having a hard time.

 

But come on with this crap, it is time for her to move on with her life. She is never going to have a life with me and I told her that from the start.

 

You are not worth her tears or her pain but she doesn't know it because she is a woman with serious issues. She is also probably operating under the delusion that if she keeps declaring her heartbreak to you, you will finally see that she really loves you and want to be with her. She is trying to send you a message that she will wait for as long as it takes but the message you (and all of us) are receiving is that she is a lady who lacks self worth and who needs professional help.

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You used her! You loved your wife no one else and could not have sex with her. So found others to have sex with. Who cares that you didn't lie or future fake. Don't say all this crap about how you care about her you don't. As long as your needs were getting met you were fine and you told her the "truth" to assuage your own guilt.

 

You want her to move on then tell her the complete truth. I love my wife. I am never going to leave her or cheat on her now that she is sober and we are having sex. I don't need you anymore.

 

She will move on.

 

Yes an MM who enters an affair is selfish and looking to get his own needs met at the expense of others, but so is the OW who knowingly enters an affair with a married person. Neither are innocent little flowers and both share responsibility for their decisions and the fall out.

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Sunshinechica, simmer down now. Why is it that the man the one that is using the woman for sex.

 

Don't women use men for sex? Seems to me like they do. I am a bad person because a woman wants to have sex with me because she needs to get laid. And I should just turn them away because I don't want to be a predator?

 

I kind of think that is degrading to woman. Because what you are saying in a way is that, "Women are to stupid to want to have sex and not be in love". I just don't know if that is really how it is.

 

And so you know, I don't have guilt about having sex with them I have guilt because some of them got hurt. You know some of them did not get hurt. Some of them were happy to use me for sex and send me on my way. I am actually good with that.

 

Also, she new the truth. She new that I loved my wife. I am not sure what I was supposed to do in my situation. I told all of them the truth, and while I did not carry a sigh that said "This is about sex", I told them all what the deal was.

 

I guess women that want to have some decent sex without some deep abiding love are all just stupid. And all men that have sex with them are predators???

 

Is that how it works?

 

No, is not how it works. I used to tell my OM that it was only sex & he hated that I said that. He was single & I was married...after a year I did start to care but never said it & quit bc I decided to fix my marriage.

 

So no, even if a woman starts to care a lot of them still understand what "it" was. Though there are men that prey & get off on knowing a woman loves them & purposely messing with her mind & heart but it's not every situation.

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Sunshinechica, simmer down now. Why is it that the man the one that is using the woman for sex.

 

Don't women use men for sex? Seems to me like they do. I am a bad person because a woman wants to have sex with me because she needs to get laid. And I should just turn them away because I don't want to be a predator?

 

I kind of think that is degrading to woman. Because what you are saying in a way is that, "Women are to stupid to want to have sex and not be in love". I just don't know if that is really how it is.

 

And so you know, I don't have guilt about having sex with them I have guilt because some of them got hurt. You know some of them did not get hurt. Some of them were happy to use me for sex and send me on my way. I am actually good with that.

 

Also, she new the truth. She new that I loved my wife. I am not sure what I was supposed to do in my situation. I told all of them the truth, and while I did not carry a sigh that said "This is about sex", I told them all what the deal was.

 

I guess women that want to have some decent sex without some deep abiding love are all just stupid. And all men that have sex with them are predators???

 

Is that how it works?

 

Both involved in the A are using each other for something yes I agree with that. As long as MM is not future faking I feel it would be best for OW to look at these situations as a FWB or like 'passing the time' with sex. Women need to realize that sex leads to an emotional attachment (this was something I did not know when I had my A. I thought I could keep it separate, but could not).

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Just straight up tell her to leave you alone. It may seem heartless or brutal or whatever but at least she'll know where she stands with you.

 

You have to be firm with psycho people and it's really the kindest best way in the long run.

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