It's been 4 years since DDAY...

[jnel921]

It's been 4 years since I have posted this http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/352488-my-husband-lied-broke-us

 

I wanted to update everyone on our progress. Its been said time and time again 2-5 years for recovery. There is some truth to that. Its important to have a remorseful WS and a forgiving WS. Without that its impossible.

 

In the beginning it was tough. I couldn't wrap my head around the reasons in the beginning and even held back saying I loved him for years. My H did redeem himself and continues to do so.

 

We have spent a lot of time together. Working on other issues we have at home. this year we were fortunate enough where we traveled several times and created some very special memories.

 

We definitely have done this based on a new foundation and new appreciation for our marriage and relationship.

 

As the years go by it does seem distant...something that happened in the past. A really bad choice. One for which he regrets and still hurts over till this very day. Sometimes we wish we could go back to tweak our M in the ways we carry it now. Maybe some of these things would have never have happened. But they did.

 

With Infidelity comes risk. Once everything is said and done everyone has to be in agreement about where it will go.

 

Hopefully everyone one here who is going through it or have a few years in like me are dealing with this in the smartest way possible. It will be a bumpy road...so wear your seatbelts! Good Luck!

[aileD]

Thank you!

 

Can you share with us how you started your recovery and the resources you used and how you went about it?

 

We are about two months in to R.

 

Thanks, it's so good to hear a positive outcome. Being here is hard sometimes because it seems like no one ever thinks you should R.

[jnel921]

Meant to say forgiving BS.

[understand50]

jnel921,

 

Well good for you, you are doing well in reconciliation, and it is working out for you. Time, as always, helps, but it looks from what you wrote, your husbands, "gets it", or "gets it" enough to show results. Hard work from both of you.

 

For aileD, each couple is different, and what juel921 did maybe be of help, of be impracticable. Take what you can, and use it.

 

I wish you both luck....

[jnel921]

Thank you!

 

Can you share with us how you started your recovery and the resources you used and how you went about it?

 

We are about two months in to R.

 

Thanks, it's so good to hear a positive outcome. Being here is hard sometimes because it seems like no one ever thinks you should R.

R is not an easy decision. Over the years I have posted how I am in my second M and this is the 2nd Infidelity.

 

I threw out my First H and swore I would never stay with anyone who would do this to me again. And then it happened. I was hurt, angry and I remembered the pain from my first M. However my first H was a serial cheater. He lied all of the time and still denies to this very day that he did anything.

 

It makes a difference when you have a WS who is remorseful and is willing to do anything and everything to fix the M.

 

I would say that MC is important. Also you may want to keep this between yourselves if you plan on working things out. I don't advise to tell your kids if you have them. They are kids and are not mature enough to understand so why hurt them if you don't need to, The love for them doesn't change.

 

I found that sharing it with my family and friends in the past did not give me the support I exactly wanted at the time and I didn't need anyone picking any sides. This last time we dealt with it between ourselves. It was our business.

 

We talked a lot. Cried a lot. and found different ways to be towards each other. We improved our communication and started appreciating each other more.

 

We got to a point where we could talk about it and laugh believe it or not! Our M is so much stronger now. So something positive did come out of this ugly situation. Love can truly heal all wounds.

[jnel921]

jnel921,

 

Well good for you, you are doing well in reconciliation, and it is working out for you. Time, as always, helps, but it looks from what you wrote, your husbands, "gets it", or "gets it" enough to show results. Hard work from both of you.

 

For aileD, each couple is different, and what juel921 did maybe be of help, of be impracticable. Take what you can, and use it.

 

I wish you both luck....

 

You are right. Each couple and situation is different. I had my own set of deal breakers. Fortunately for my H I was able to deal with them I'm my own time and way. But had it been the other way I would have to had let him go.

 

Its not cool being in a M where there is no trust and you feel anxious when your WS walks out the door. Nothing gets resolved and I am sure the A's continue. As long as a BS is willing to put up with bad behavior it never stops.

 

When you R it is a conscious effort to work on the M and most importantly yourselves. After time you will note a difference. And if you just cant get over it then its time to move on.

 

Some men and women are too prideful to let it go. But what else can you do?

 

When my H hurt me. I looked at him and no longer saw the man I said I do to. It was sad to know that we would die and he did not honor his vows. I was no longer special. Who the hell did I marry and why would he hurt me like that.

 

It took a long time for me to be convinced that guys listen to the wrong head and leave it at that...But my heart always believed that Love brings you home.

 

So for a long time I questioned that love. He had to earn it. Make me fall in love with him again. All while I worked on myself too.

 

He was able to do it. I now love him more so. I hate what he did. But I love that he worked hard to show me, make me believe and prove that he wouldn't hurt me again.

 

We plan to one day renew our vows in the future and when we do I believe I will look at him and our M with a new appreciation. Love truly conquers all.

You just have to find it again.

Edited October 16, 2016 by jnel921

[Midwestmissy]

It's great of you to give this very realistic update. I'm almost exactly 2 years from everything blowing up - also the bs - and it does often feel like bad dream. He's doing all the work required, therapy all of it. But I've lost so much. The specialness, the unconditional trust, the comfort level I had for 20 years.

 

The expectations I had for my marriage are gone. I expected mutual basic decency. Not just to give it but to get it too. I got duped and it hurts. I'm very very jaded in general. It really caused a visceral change in me, I was so stunned that the greatest love of my life, and actually only person I've ever been in love with, had done this under my nose and used my trust in him to destroy the marriage. I lost so much.

 

My crap and manipulation radar is very sensitive now. I'd never had to tap into that in my marriage, but I do now. Trust (kind of) but verify is how I live now.

[Popsicle]

That's a great story. If it's not too personal or too dumb of a question, can you tell what kinds of things he did to show you remorse and to work hard at improving continually?

[Mr Blunt]

By jnel

So for a long time I questioned that love. He had to earn it. Make me fall in love with him again. All while I worked on myself too.

He was able to do it. I now love him more so. I hate what he did. But I love that he worked hard to show me, make me believe and prove that he wouldn't hurt me again.

 

 

We plan to one day renew our vows in the future and when we do I believe I will look at him and our M with a new appreciation. Love truly conquers all.

 

You just have to find it again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By Blunt

Congratulations on winning the battle with betrayal for 4 years! You are an inspiration.

 

Being loving is the toughest thing to do and requires you to be strong and say no to selfishness. There will be times when love will just not be there and you have to endure the strain for a while. That also applies to couples that have never suffered from infidelity.

 

Jnel, we renewed our vows after 4 years of R.

[merrmeade]

Yes, thank you for this thread, jnel. It's good to know it's possible - I mean having a real and fulfilling marriage. I'd like to know more about how your husband changed from the beginning to now. You must both be good at communicating what you feel, too, not to mention able to feel and read the other.

[jnel921]

That's a great story. If it's not too personal or too dumb of a question, can you tell what kinds of things he did to show you remorse and to work hard at improving continually?

 

Popsicle... not a dumb question. I am sure there are a lot of WS lurking here trying to figure out how to make their M's better and their BS happier.

 

The first thing he did that he did was tell and show me that the OW meant nothing. He sincerely felt deep regret. Had this not been the case it would have been over from the start. He answered all of my questions. As painful as it was to hear, it hurt him as much to say.

 

Agreeing to MC was also a good start. The counselor warned him that I would get upset and may be mean but that he'd have to take it an understand. My H has gone through a lot of these mental beatings with me. When i triggered and got upset his response was always love. Never anger or excuses. Just apologies and promises to do and be a better person.

 

Over the years we spent more time together. Tackled our issues at home together. Really did things as a team.

 

I had to look at him with fresh eyes. Had I held in resentment I don't think it could have gone any further.

 

He is a different person today. We smile and laugh more. That's so important.

 

Its important for anyone here who is R to really do the work. BS's need to learn forgiveness and allow for their heart to heal and the WS's need to genuinely want to fix what they have broken. It does take time. It can be hard at times. But as time goes by it does get easier.

 

Communication and love is the key. I wish that for everyone here who is in R. It can work.

[Regretful one]

Popsicle... not a dumb question. I am sure there are a lot of WS lurking here trying to figure out how to make their M's better and their BS happier.

 

Thank you so much for your story. Im one of the WS lurking you mention. I am only two months past "D-Day" where I confessed to my wife. I have a lot of hope and believe that my wife is leaning towards reconciliation. We are separated now and I am doing all I can to save my marriage.

 

Thanks again.