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just found out about long-term affair


kimizmat

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I need to know if anyone out there has had a similar experience. I am devastated and need help.

 

I recently separated from my husband of four years. His behavior prior to the separation led me to suspect he was cheating. I confronted him and he emphatically denied it. We separated after months of him being distant, out a lot at night, and generally cold toward me. I couldn't take it anymore.

 

He's since gone back and forth, saying he wants our marriage over, then saying he wants to make things better and loves me more than anything. When I demanded that he stop acting like this and remember that i'm still his wife, he sent me quickie divorce papers.

 

Since then, I've discovered that he had, according to this person, a year-long affair with a co-worker which ended about 6 months before we got married. She tells me he denied even being involved with anyone, yet they never went out, she just had him over for sex once a week.

 

I'm crushed, I feel betrayed and most of all, like my 12 years with him were a joke. (we were together 9 years before we got married.) It's as if he had no conscience whatsoever. I thought he was my best friend, my soul mate. I feel now that I was blind and naive.

 

I left him a vm indicating that I'd spoken with this person. He has not contacted me since. Please help with any insight you may have.

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I want to drop you a quick note first as I have to think a bit more to be more constructive than this.

I feel for you, kimizmat. I'm really sorry you are so hurt. You are definitely in shock right now, and have to be real gentle and kind to yourself. Try not to go in circles in your head (yeah, easier said than done), try to write things and feelings out. I find that helps. Or could you talk to a real good friend? Or just hang out here, read stuff and write out your feelings and thoughts. It's a way to release the grief, anger, hurt and pain. Have you thought of counselling?

Just hang in there. There are many people here to support you in this time.

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sylviaguardian

Hi Kimizmat,

 

I feel for you right now. You sound devastated and it will be hard to say anything that will make you feel better....

 

Originally posted by kimizmat

 

I'm crushed, I feel betrayed and most of all, like my 12 years with him were a joke. (we were together 9 years before we got married.) It's as if he had no conscience whatsoever. I thought he was my best friend, my soul mate. I feel now that I was blind and naive.

 

 

I think all of us can relate to these feelings of having our past stolen from us, of being deceived about that person's personality, about being a fool for not seeing it. Just remeber that you were not responsible for these things that happened. You could not have foreseen this because you trusted him. Even if you had had some idea of what was going on, you probably couldn't have done anything about it.

 

Your husband sounds like a very self-centred person. I know you feel totally crushed right now but it can get better - it takes time. Meet with a friend or someone who you are close to and talk things over with them. Remember your husband's behaviour does not change what you are - you are still a good person, even if he was too egotistical to really appreciate it.

 

You are in shock now and are not thinking straight. The best thing you can do is to make sure you get some support.

 

Syl

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Right now don't make any harsh decisions. Wait a couple of days for him to contact you. If he doesn't try to contact him to talk about this matter. Some people take different approaches when they are caught cheating. Some are very sorry and quickly try to resolve the matter, while others like your husband is scared and probably will get defensive.

 

Now is also a time for you to reflect back on what you two were doing wrong 'prior' to this happening. Such as communication issues, not treating each other right, etc.. You need to be honest with yourself as well on how you were treating the relationship. That's not saying it's ok for him to cheat, it's not. He really took out a big chunk of the foundation of your marriage by doing this. Check my link in my singature, it may help. Also it may be beneficial for you to contact a counselor to at least help you get over the initial shock. I know things seem down & out, but one thing to remember is to not base your own self-worth on this. And talk as much as you want on here. :)

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I want to thank all of you for your kind replies. You ought to know how much this means to me right now. I don't feel so alone.

 

I am in counselling and can't wait for the next session.

 

I've not heard a word from the H, and I really don't expect I will. He always had this thing with me, this behavior that seemed as if he cared a little TOO much of what I thought of him. It was a constant theme in our relationship. He told me often that he desperately needed my approval, that my opinion of him was more important than anything. Meanwhile, I've watched him treat his family, my family and our friends like dirt over the years. I've had family tell me that they were concerned, that his behavior was odd to them. I always defended him. He IS a very self-centered person. I've seen him borrow money from people and never pay it back, ignore our friends until he needed something, and generally use people.

 

The OW explained to me that he had even borrowed $400 dollars from her to fix our car and never paid her back. She says this is why their relationship ended. How could I have been married to someone like this? I turned a blind eye to so much, it's awful. But he's so damn sweet acting when he wants to. Always a good listener, doted on me with gifts, foot-rubs, massages. I wonder now if these were ways to take away his guilt. These gestures sometimes felt as if they were not entirely genuine.

 

He wrote me letters when our relationship hit rough spots, telling me what a piece of sh@t he was and that he needed to be absolved. He broke down crying on two occassions when I threatened to leave, saying he had nothing to live for if I were gone.

 

Do these sound like signs of mental illness, or just a big jerk? Anyone? My therapist suspects he's bi-polar. His father had a breakdown when he was his age, and his brother is on medication and under psychological supervision. His mother abused him as well. This was a main reason that I stayed with him and forgave so much. I feel so stupid.

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You're not stupid at all Kimizmat, it makes me sad to hear you say that.

 

Sounds like he is really selfish and has some serious Narcissic traits in him. Real scary. People like that use and abuse others.

 

I'm sure he did love you in the only way he knew how. Looking back I'm sure now you may see things that weren't there before or as you say you defended him to others...You did that because you LOVED him.

 

He's a fool and honestly unless you want this man in your life as he is, he won't change. He may be BP or something but now is the time to really think long and hard what it is YOU want. I'm glad to hear you're in therapy. That will help you so much.

 

Hang in there and again...You're not stupid...You loved him, you trusted him and he broke that trust and broke your heart.

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I don't think his biggest problem from a psychological point of view could be a bi-polar disorder. The way you describe him, I would put my stakes at a possible narcissistic personality disorder.

 

From the DSM-IV Manual (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders):

Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Behavior or a fantasy of grandiosity, a lack of empathy, a need to be admired by others, an inability to see the viewpoints of others, and hypersensitive to the opinions of others.

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Do these sound like signs of mental illness, or just a big jerk?

 

Call me old fashioned, but I vote "big jerk." Sometimes a pen is just a pen, and a jerk is just a jerk.

 

Close this chapter of your life and write some new verse.

 

Whatever you do:don't allow this pathetic loser/user to weasel or worm his way back into your life. You've paid your dues, and it's time to move on.

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You are not stupid, kimizmat.

 

Although I do not agree with the old-fashioned logic professed by the previous poster, she does make valid points.

 

I'll be assuming he does suffer from this disorder in the rest of this post.

A narcissistic personality disorder is a severe disorder. It can't be cured easily, and it will take years for the disorder alone. Then there is accumulated damage in the past. Think of the relationship damage, with your family and his family, the OW who still has a legitimate claim to $400, to name but a few of the many things that have been damaged by your H.

 

And there is a high risk that he will try to crawl back into your life. If you listen to his words, everything is really about him. And has always been about him. If you are around him, you don't notice that. It usually takes someone with an outside perspective to see that a person is a narcissist.

 

Given your feelings, and the difficulty healing from what has happened, and the disorder, your marriage has only a few percent chance of being sustained. Even if you want it.

 

Think everything over, and move on. You will heal.

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I appreciate all your input. I had never heard of narcissistic personality disorder. Let me tell you this: I looked it up online and WOW!!!! He fits every single criteria to a tee!!!! Shook me up, to say the least.

 

I'm now in the process of just letting all this sink in and am trying desperately to remind myself that it wasn't my fault, that it WAS all about him and that I will be okay.

 

It's just very hard to wrap my mind around all this: the deception, the secrecy, trying to sort through what was truth and what were lies. Does it matter? I need to at least feel that it wasn't all for nothing, but that's how I feel right now. I look back and wish to God that I had left him years ago, when I had the chance.

 

I suspected him of something, found cards from an ex to him and confronted him. When I was not satisfied with his excuses, I packed my bags to leave. He threw himself into a corner on the floor and cried like a baby. He told me he had no reason to live and I stayed out of fear and guilt. Hindsight's 20/20, huh?

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I may be over-reacting, but I'm still concerned. I received a message from the H today. His tone was friendly and warm. He asked where I was, that he was in town and looking for me to give me the money I had asked for a month ago. He said he went by my work and my apt.

 

I felt a twinge in my stomach when I heard him. He needn't look all over town for me just to give me money....he has my mailing address. I'm very vulnerable right now, trying to force him out of my thoughts and contact like this is very similar to the kind he initiated a month ago.

 

Anyone have any input? (particularly anyone familiar with narcissists!) I left him a vm telling him to put the money in my mailbox, but it's not there.

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What he is trying to do, is get a confrontation with you. For one reason or another, and I know you are uncomfortable with the idea of a confrontation.

 

Narcissists are not easy to cure at all. And he certainly won't have been magically restored to 'normalcy.' It's very likely he will be trying to use emotional manipulative tactics on you. To make you feel sorry for him. Of course, I take it you don't want that to happen. You know the consequences that would have, and that you are not willing to bear these consequences.

 

So stick to your guns, and stick to the mail-box. You are trying to move on, and don't need the confrontation. Chances are he does not even have the money on him.

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