Terrified of losing kids and home!!!!!

[Hannah100]

Can anyone advise of what the realistic outcome of a divorce would be?

I want to divorce my cheating partner but am terrified they will not let me see my children again and leave me with no money/home. Plus they also said that they would make sure they’d have lots of other partners to tuck them in at night instead of me. This killed me. I am the main bread winner and my partner is the stay at home carer so automatically I feel I'll be forced out for the other to move in!

 

 

The background is that I’ve been married for 15years and have 4 wonderful children ranging from 5 -12. Over the last 2 years my marriage has had its problems, arguments, taking each other for granted, essentially not really meeting each other’s emotional needs. Instead of talking to each other about it we let things fester. I looked to address this and went to counselling (but my partner refused to go) it was returning early from one of these sessions that I caught my partner having an affair with another couples partner from our circle of friends. I confronted them, we talked and talked and unless I agreed to keep it quiet and try again they threatened to not only do everything to stop me from seeing my children, they would make sure they had lots of other suitors to tuck them in at night instead of me. This killed me and so I agreed to keep things quiet if the affair stopped and we reconciled properly. I continued to go to counselling but my partner would not. They also refused to stop seeing the other party regularly on a social basis even though they understood that would make reconciliation harder.

 

 

1 month into the reconciliation process my partner must have knocked their mobile phone as it dialled my work and I heard them not only cheating, but talking about how they can cheat better next time!! Yeah!! They do not know I know this but obviously its killing me inside.

I want to divorce and expose the affair but am terrified of what will happen. My partner says they will make sure I only have enough money left at the end of the day to live in a 1 bedroom flat or move back to my parents but either way there will be no room for the children to stay with me.

[dichotomy]

Consult an attorney about custody and financial issues. Don't listen to others who don't represent you.

[stillafool]

No one can take your kids from you unless you are abusing them. Definitely talk to an attorney, save your money and get the heck out of there. Your partner sounds like a horrible cheater and you need to get you and your kids out of there. Who cares who they have tuck them in at night. You can get someone to tuck you in as well and you should have told them this.

[afoolto no end]

They sound very cruel and they are trying to control you so they can continue their affair........

You have a lot of rights, the best way to kill the affair is to make it public right now you are actually helping them with their affair.

Go see a lawyer, file for divorce, doesn't mean you go through with it but your partner will know you are not going to stand for this kind of disrespect, you have to be willing to lose them even if it's for the transition period...

you need to expose to both sides of the family friends and anyone that is important to either one of them, when they have to deal with everyone it will stop.....the fantasy fun will be destroyed by many eyes on them, it is your only chance if you want to save your family. tell your kids, on the age level they can understand.......

Then you tell them the affair stops, all contact ends and your partner has to be transparent with everything.

If your partner won't stop her to leave.....

serve the divorce papers, your partners life will greatly change, right now they think it will all work out like they think in their heads reality is not that and this is the best way for you to show this is unacceptable and you won't be bullied or disrespected by both of them tell the other spouse first......

When you expose, ask everyone to speak to her and help you keep your family together.

Then it's up to your partner, don't believe the fog babble, the con job that is coming your way, actions only........

It may take a little while and the anger will be frightening but stand up for what your conditions are, don't back down , don't argue just say this is the way I needed it if you want to keep the family together the rest if up to your partner.

Even if you divorce your self respect will be intact...

don't tell you are going to expose do it all at once for the most impact the mader your partner is the more you know it has worked, the affair couple will now be throwing each other under the bus, fighting and desperately trying to save themselves not each other.........

it's a whole other story when two families know and are going up in smoke, she isn't thinking of you and it is now time for your partner to be accountable like an adult.....

stay calm at all times...be strong and don't listen to anything your partner says, your partner will be spitting nails for a while you will know you hit the target by that and you should feel good about taking the power back to save your family, it's all for them........in every marriage one has to take control to keep it together this is your chance.....don't just sit back and let them dictate what is happening.

serve the divorce papers and move on from there, don't be surprised if your partner moves out for a while....

let it happen, just keep saying you are doing all you are doing to save your marriage and family.

and that you can have a great marriage if you both work together.

The affair stops today or you can't be around your partner tell your partner it will just be to painful for you to live with.......that moving out is better if it doesn't stop, don't you move out, why you didn't do this, if your partner moves out, your chances at custody of the kids will get better ....

don't move out of your home,,,,,,,,so many bs make that mistake

[carhill]

OP, if you take the infidelity part out of it, what has your experience been with friends and family local to you who have divorced?

[Gigi2015]

Expose the affair! The only way you'll lose custody is if you're not a suitable parent and it can be proved....not just words. Also---do you REALLY think he wants to take care of the kids full-time? LOL!!!!! It would kill his love life. Divorce this jerk. You'll be better off and you'll have a chance at a real relationship..

[ShatteredLady]

Where do you live? It's best to see a lawyer to understand exactly what would happen if you were to divorce. If you're in North America, major European countries etc. no one can take your children from you unless there's a major legal (abuse) issue that you're not mentioning.

 

Some lawyers will give you a consultation for free. If you're in USA or UK for example you won't need money & no one will ever know you went if you don't want them to. Just phone around.

[strow]

Unfortunately there is truth to what you've been told by your cheating spouse.

 

With 4 children and a long term marriage you're probably going to be giving her over 80% of your take home pay and at least half your accumulated assets. She may even get exclusive use of the home until the youngest child is 18 years old.

 

Lots of guys find themselves banished to a couch in a friend or relatives house or a small apartment with barely enough money to put food on the table.

 

The good news? It's not forever and you're rid of this terrible person.

[BlueIris]

They’re bullying you. Most bullying stems from fear.

 

Talk to some local family law lawyers.

 

50/50 custody and parenting time are very common these days. Imputing income to a non-earning partner is also very common, so your partner might have to go to work soon.

 

I'm not saying it's a guarantee at all, but if you're worried about stories you've heard, anecdotes, I've seen some parents who say they want 50/50 not be able to handle it or not really want it. Sometimes they just want to fight and threaten and look like martyrs- not all, but some. There are plenty of anecdotes that favor your having significant parenting time and your partner having to work full time. Talk to local lawyers about it.

[strow]

Imputing income to a non-earning partner is also very common

 

Not when she's been the stay at home caregiver.

 

Not when they've got a child age 5.

 

Equal parenting time is mostly a fantasy.

 

But the Op can get a better idea by getting familiar with the laws of his state.

[ShatteredLady]

The specific situation can make such a difference. I've written before about our old neighbor. He has complete custody of his 3 children. His W was finding lots of partners to "tuck them into bed at night".

 

Please talk to a lawyer. In my experience just talking & knowing where I stood was enpowering.

[strow]

The specific situation can make such a difference. I've written before about our old neighbor. He has complete custody of his 3 children. His W was finding lots of partners to "tuck them into bed at night".

 

Most courts don't consider cheating when making awards of assets, support, and custody unless it directly affects the children and usually it doesn't.

[BlametheIrish]

Yes see a lawyer before you do anything. Get documented proof of the affair so she can't try and peg you for alimony as well as child support.

[strow]

Yes see a lawyer before you do anything. Get documented proof of the affair so she can't try and peg you for alimony as well as child support.

 

I think theres only one or two states that would consider cheating when making an alimony award.

 

Even then, proving it can be rather problematic.

 

That's why most courts have dropped the whole "cheating affects support awards" thing. It's just not practical.

[BlueIris]

Not when she's been the stay at home caregiver.

 

Not when they've got a child age 5.

 

Equal parenting time is mostly a fantasy.

 

But the Op can get a better idea by getting familiar with the laws of his state.

 

Yes. Definitely.

 

I don't know all states. I have experience with 3- 2 blue and 1 red. They were pretty much the same in custody and PT- 50/50 statutory presumption and most common outcome even when there was a SAH partner. I hear it's different elsewhere. Tender years doctrine might still apply some in places. The biggest factor is how much of a jerk you are in Court, and how combative and disrespectful of the other parent. They did the worst in each jurisdiction I had experience with.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Strow, I think the OP is a lady from the looks of her moniker and also style of writing. I may be wrong but mu own assessment is that it is a lady. maybe the OP can clarify. Hannah you have been given sage advice about contacting a lawyer about your rights. do that and also as other posters have often said in the past 'Get your ducks in a row'. move money from a joint account into your own personal account and ensure that any other finances are made safe. A lawyer will give you the confidence to face a situation like this. remember that you have to be brave and face a difficult situation with courage. Your husband (?) seems to be a bully and bullies are generally cowards. He does'nt have the moral grounds to stand on his two feet so do not cave in because of any empty threats he is making. If you are sure that he was cheating with another man's partner then tell that guy. Let him confront his partner and make her life miserable. Maybe they reacted in fear when telling you that they would make your life miserable but when they are confronted with their own nightmare I am sure your husband will come begging to you for another chance at making the marriage work. Stay strong and I wish you the very best!

[strow]

Hi Strow, I think the OP is a lady from the looks of her moniker and also style of writing.

 

Whatever gender they are, upon a second read of the post they went out of their way to stay gender neutral.

 

That makes it much more difficult to give useful advice.

[bathtub-row]

Yes, absolutely talk to a lawyer before you make another move. Don't let on to your future ex that you know that the affair is ongoing.

 

The only other thing I would add is that you should do everything you can to get him out of the house and you and the kids stay there. The courts don't like the kids being removed from their home, if it can be helped. And don't even think of leaving without your kids. The truth is, you're not at risk at all for losing your kids. Don't let these horrible, nasty bullies sell you this lie.

[aliveagain]

Talk To A Lawyer, expose the affair to the other betrayed spouse and I assure you that your spouse will be thrown under the bus to protect their cheating a$$. Divorce is expensive and the other cheater will lose a fortune to their spouse. They want to continue to eat their cake with you as your partners back up plan. It is time you close the bakery, your partner needs to commit to the marriage or send her on her way, she can't have you both. Protect your children, you have rights as a parent so don't let them intimidate you with their threats. Exposure will give you an ally in the other betrayed spouse.

[BlueIris]

I know the cheating is bad, but I don’t think it’s that important in divorce. The threats and using kids as pawns to extort you are far more likely to tick off a judge.

 

If you already have emails or texts with threats, screenshot and print them asap, and put them in a safe deposit box. Maybe a simple text message in which you tell partner that “given what’s been happening” it’s a good time to file an amicable divorce would get you some juicy text message responses containing those threats that you could screenshot.

[ShatteredLady]

In my experience (USA/UK) infidelity doesn't make much difference in custody but promiscuity can & they talk about "LOTS of suitors to tuck the kids into bed".

[BlueIris]

In my experience (USA/UK) infidelity doesn't make much difference in custody but promiscuity can & they talk about "LOTS of suitors to tuck the kids into bed".

 

Good point. True. Add nasty and bullying to promiscuity and lots of judges will twist themselves into pretzels to find reasons for primary and more than 50% for the non-promiscuous non-bullying parent.

[ShatteredLady]

My friend/neighbors ex told anyone who would listen how wrong the judge was for taking custody from her.

 

Recently she arrived over an hour late for her sons birthday party & left shortly after because she had a date with a guy she met in a bar the night before!! I think the judge made the right call.

 

Some people aren't fit to be parents. So sad.

[sandylee1]

Try and get a VAR (voice activated recorder ) or use your phone and get the threat recorded. Start a conversation calmly and be skillful.... but an attorney is your first point of call.

 

Start keeping money in your own account. Use protection if you're still sleeping with your spouse.

 

You can also tip of the other spouse anonymously. Send them an email from a fake account.....make it look like you're one of the group of friends. You can actually send the same email to yourself.

 

You need to get low down to beat a cheater and stay ahead of the game.

 

Do let one person you trust know what's happening and never underestimate a spouse who makes such threats.

[merrmeade]

Try and get a VAR (voice activated recorder ) or use your phone and get the threat recorded. Start a conversation calmly and be skillful.... but an attorney is your first point of call.

 

Start keeping money in your own account. Use protection if you're still sleeping with your spouse.

 

You can also tip of the other spouse anonymously. Send them an email from a fake account.....make it look like you're one of the group of friends. You can actually send the same email to yourself.

 

You need to get low down to beat a cheater and stay ahead of the game.

 

Do let one person you trust know what's happening and never underestimate a spouse who makes such threats.

Yes, all of this ^^^. And everything everyone said but just get this proof that they are threatening extortion. The attorney will help you develop a plan.