Can it work after an affair?

[Sparkles72]

Hi, I found out last year that my other half was having an affair. I had my suspicions for quite awhile and set a trap and found out. He (finally) admitted it, wouldn't say how long it had been going on, but I knew it was happening on the odd occasion I went out, she would come down to the house and they would be 'at it' on our sofa.

 

Anyways we had all the talks etc and we seemed to be stronger like we use to be. The only problem I have is that I can't get the idea of them together out of my head. It just pops in my head for no reason, usually when I go to bed. I hate her with a passion and really want her to hurt like I am right now, and I am disappointed in him. I just look at him while he sleeps and cry. It's 7 months on and I just don't know if things are going to work.

 

I get very down and emotional when I think about it, I don't talk to him about how I feel now as it makes him feel guilty, he goes in a mood which makes me feel worse. I just don't feel like me anymore, like something has died. He's not the kind of guy who would go to counselling, he's quite a private person and doesn't want people knowing what he's done. I on the other hand feel like blurting it out to everyone.

 

Does it get any better?

[Mrs. John Adams]

no.... it wont get any better if you both rug sweep and blame shift.

 

There has to be complete transparency....there has to be accountability...there has to be remorse and forgiveness.

 

 

Reconciliation is a lifetime process.....

 

So if you don't discuss it.....it wont get any better.

[Sparkles72]

We have discussed it when it happened, we talked and talked, I asked all the details. I thought I was ok but obviously I'm not. Is it worth dragging it all up again?

[understand50]

Sparkles72,

 

Assuming you both are doing all that needs to be done. (see the link above titled http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know) These triggers will grow less and less troubling over time, but they never really go away, because you will never forget what he did. I am 40 years out, and I still think about what happened from time to time. Does not mean you can not have a "good" marriage , and spend time and love each other, but it takes work, and this work go on. Read the posts from Mr & Mrs John Adams, Merrmeade, and betrayedandstayed. There are others, who have and are in long term reconciliation. Their stories may help.

 

If you think about it, marriage and relationships in general take work, in our case, and many more here, we have to do more to make it work. On his side, he must work to regain your trust, and be completely open in all his actions. On your side, you must work not to hold it over him 24/7, but also never forget he did this, and keep your eyes open. Reconciliation is not for the faint of heart, but from my point of view, worth everything.

 

So in response to your question, "Does it get any better? ", yes it can, yes it does, but both of you must work at it, both must want it too, and it will take time.

 

I wish you luck.

[LifesontheUp]

I get very down and emotional when I think about it, I don't talk to him about how I feel now as it makes him feel guilty, he goes in a mood which makes me feel worse.

 

Sorry to read what you are going through Sparkles.

 

The above stood out to me. I am wondering how you think you will heal and move on from this when he doesn't want to do the work to put right what HE did?

 

Honestly, he is lucky to have you and he sounds completely selfish. You need some counselling on your own and together. Try looking at Relate as a start.

[BuddyX]

"He's a private person. He will not do MC"... Boo hoo for him. He messed up and has to own it. You say counseling, his response should be "Where and when? I'll be there".

Your man is a coward. He Deicide to break the marriage vows on your sofa. Now he has to own it.

 

As far as when will it go away? Prob never. Parted ways with my ExW because I wasn't sure if she was fantasizing about "him" when we were intimate.

[Sparkles72]

Thank u for the advice, I guess time will tell. I definitely have my eyes open now, and he knows one slip up and he's gone.

[flowergirl14]

In hindsight, I dont believe affairs once discovered should be kept private. I honestly think those closest to you and h should be told. Even kids in an age appropriate way. Affairs thrive in secrecy. The people involved in them lie to everyone and steal time from family and spouses. I kept it to myself when my children saw me cry for a year. They asked and I swept it under the rug. My h did not face any consequences for his actions. I wouldve told my parents who wouldve supported me. Instead i spoke only to my h and a counselor. Im sick of keeping his secrets. Those who have nothing to hide hide nothing. You tell people that can support you. I dont think you owe him anything.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

We have discussed it when it happened, we talked and talked, I asked all the details. I thought I was ok but obviously I'm not. Is it worth dragging it all up again?

 

 

So you two talked about it. What else have you two done to rebuild the marriage?

 

Why did he do it? What steps has he taken to ensure it doesn't happen again?

 

The onus is on your husband to do the heavy lifting. From the limited info in your posts it doesn't look like he has done much to help with the reconciliation process.

 

Sounds like you offered him cheap grace

[Mrs. John Adams]

In hindsight, I dont believe affairs once discovered should be kept private. I honestly think those closest to you and h should be told. Even kids in an age appropriate way. Affairs thrive in secrecy. The people involved in them lie to everyone and steal time from family and spouses. I kept it to myself when my children saw me cry for a year. They asked and I swept it under the rug. My h did not face any consequences for his actions. I wouldve told my parents who wouldve supported me. Instead i spoke only to my h and a counselor. Im sick of keeping his secrets. Those who have nothing to hide hide nothing. You tell people that can support you. I dont think you owe him anything.

 

I think that each betrayed spouse has to decide for themselves who if anyone should be told about the infidelity. I told my mom about my affair before I told my husband. It was HIS choice to keep it from his parents and family. Our children were small...so telling them was unnecessary. He did turn to my mom....he went to her for support and advice. He trusted her judgement.I am forever grateful to her for being there for him. It is very possible...had it not been for my mom...we would be divorced.

 

As for consequences...I suppose that depends on the WS. I certainly have suffered consequences because of my choices. I am very aware of my actions....I am grateful for the second chance I was given....and I have lived a life of transparency and accept my responsibility to make my husband feel safe. If by suffering consequences...you mean that i should have been outed to the world and forced to a life of embarrassment and labeled with a scarlet letter....what good does that do and who does it help? By not telling everyone...it saved my husband the embarrassment of my cheating and it kept him from explaining his choice for reconciliation to those who may have disagreed with him. I have no doubt...that had he told his family....it would have caused irreparable damage to the relationship we shared with them. By keeping my secret...i was able to maintain a wonderful relationship with my in laws....which also allowed a relationship with my children that otherwise would have affected....had they been told. So in our case...the decision to remain silent...was the right one. We ALL benefited by his choice to keep it private.

 

I realize that WS differ...just as affairs differ.....the thing that makes them similar is the devastation that infidelity causes. But each couple...has to decide for themselves how to handle their situation and what is right for them.

 

I am sorry...that you have carried your husbands infidelity...I am sorry you are tired...and I hope you find peace and safety...and maybe for you....you should tell your husbands secret and allow others to judge him....but that choice is one each couple has to make for themselves.

[OneLov]

OP,

 

I'm going to go out on a limb with this; the context of your post makes me suspect he is rug sweeping and thereby not being an active participant in the reconciliation process. There is something about the image of him sleeping soundly while you're being torn apart at the seams that chills me. Your question, "Does it get any better?" conveys a sense of emotional exhaustion. It is like you are asking, "What am I doing wrong? Why isn't "this" working?"

 

In short, you are NOT doing anything wrong and reconciliation requires each of you to be 100% responsible for 50% of the work. Is it just? No. Is it fair? Nope. Is it deserving? Absolutely not! Most of the work on your side is going to be just dealing with all his sh*t and the turmoil he created. But he must put forth A LOT more effort towards reconciling for this to work. And he must be able to communicate feelings of remorse.

 

To do that he must first be willing get out of his comfort zone. His comfort zone is hiding behind his emotions. He needs to tighten his belt and make a real effort, or reconciliation will not work. I'm sorry. I wish you the best.

 

OL

Edited February 24, 2016 by OneLov

[jenkins95]

Sparkles, really sorry that you are going through this.

 

I am a former WH and I understand why he feels guilty and goes into a mood when you talk about it - as the recovering wayward, you are completely horrified at what you have done and just want it to go away. I admit that I have been guilty of it myself at some times in our recovery, wanting to avoid the horror of re-living the awful thing I did. However, it is really selfish of a WH to behave like that. He really needs to own what he did and recognise that being completely available whenever you need to discuss it is the very least he can do. This is a good reminder for me too.

 

One thing I would suggest to you to make it easier for him to open up is not to raise the issues with anger and demand immediate answers - I'm not saying you do, but just in case! Try to raise it as calmly as possible and present a united front i. e. That you want to work on the problem together as a team rather than you against him. I'm not saying he deserves to be given an easy ride, just that from my own experience, I know the WH tends to clam up and become guarded and defensive when he feels anger and rage, whereas he is much more likely to engage in reconciliatory conversation if he feels a less hostile atmosphere.

 

I wish you both all the very best in your recovery. These awful mistakes do happen....... And people do recover. Keep us informed.

[Mr Blunt]

By Sparkles72

We have discussed it when it happened, we talked and talked, I asked all the details. I thought I was ok but obviously I'm not. Is it worth dragging it all up again?

I am not a big fan of ALL the details. Knowing the details alone can never get you to a high degree of R and some maybe very harmful and adversely affect the R; IMO. Some details maybe necessary but knowing that you were betrayed is enough for you to set out your plan.

 

 

I can only tell you my experience. My wife confessed to an EA and a PA. That was enough for me to set a plan of action.

 

 

 

I went on a campaign to build myself up body, mind, and spirit. My plan was to get as self-sufficient as possible. I was not going to play detective and monitor her. I told her that her actions for the next several years will tell me the truth about real remorse and her dedication to try and repair the damage. I never threw the affair in her face and never even brought it up again. For me actions speak loud and the truth; words can be helpful or harmful but neither are as reliable as long term actions.

 

 

I had to get as strong as I could to help me, my children, and my wife. I had been devastated and needed to get better myself if I was going to help. I got stronger and after she proved her commitment by her actions for years I remarried her and we now have over 20 years of R. I do not have a great marriage but I have a very good one most of the time. I have a great relationship with my children and other family members.

 

 

The way I see it is that once you have been rejected, replaced, and betrayed then it can serve as a dose of reality that you are mostly responsible for your own life and happiness. Bottom line is that I think that you should concentrate on you getting built up and stop spending time dragging up words and details that will never help you as much as you working on you getting stronger in all areas. In other words get your self strong enough so that you will not be devastated and that you can have a good life with or without him.

 

 

I do not regret my method or that I decided to R. I just know for me that I am better and more able to help my children and family now that I have gotten stronger. By you concentrating on you, for now, and getting stronger, you will have a better R or you will be fine if the marriage breaks up.

 

 

It is possible that you can both have a much better marriage!

[merrmeade]

Sparkles - It's just hard for a while. I shared every aspect of your situation to the description of your husband. There are many accounts of betrayed spouses sharing your experience. "Check" = yep, exactly

Check - I can't get the idea of them together out of my head ("mind movies")

Check - It just pops in my head for no reason, usually when I go to bed.

Check - I hate her with a passion and really want her to hurt like I am right now,

Check - I am disappointed in him.

Check - I just don't know if things are going to work.

Check - I get very down and emotional when I think about it,

Check - he goes in a mood which makes me feel worse.

Check - I just don't feel like me anymore, like something has died.

Check - it makes him feel guilty,

Check - He's not the kind of guy who would go to counselling,

Check - he's quite a private person and

Check - doesn't want people knowing what he's done.

Check - I on the other hand feel like blurting it out to everyone.

 

The most important one, in my opinion, is no longer true for me:

"I don't talk to him about how I feel now"

 

I would urge you to save yourself and talk. You could schedule it with him. Try to keep it to once a week or something, but you must talk for your own sake. The result of not talking is that your soul kind of turns on you and that feeling of "something has died" takes over.

 

Yes, he'll be irrational because of the shame and guilt. BUT in my husband's case this is temporary and within 24 hours he becomes super sweet and attentive. Whatever. It's not the reason to do it; I'm just saying it won't kill him - on the contrary. THe reason to do it is because of what it lifts from you.

[whichwayisup]

We have discussed it when it happened, we talked and talked, I asked all the details. I thought I was ok but obviously I'm not. Is it worth dragging it all up again?

 

Yes it is. This woman entered YOUR house and fooled around with him on YOUR furniture! You have every right to be upset and feel betrayed! Your husband owes you the truth and to be an open book, let you have access to his cell, email etc., until YOU feel like you can trust him again. He betrayed you in the worst way and it's going to take a while for him to earn your trust and prove he's worthy of a second chance.

 

Was he remorseful? Does he truly regret his actions and is he making a genuine effort to fix himself, do counseling on his own and go to marriage counseling with you so you two can work together to reconnect?

 

Is he 100% no contact with the exOW?

[Lois_Griffin]

Thank u for the advice, I guess time will tell. I definitely have my eyes open now, and he knows one slip up and he's gone.

He knows that's just another empty threat. I'm sure over the years you've probably told him if he ever cheated on you, it would be a deal breaker. Well he did cheat on you and he's still home, so it wasn't a deal-breaker.

 

Not only was it not a deal-breaker, but he's managed to shut you up about it and get you to rug sweep it rather than make him do the hard work required to clean up the damned mess he rained down on your lives.

 

He knows you're not going anywhere no matter how many 'slip ups' he has in the future.

 

Staying with someone who disrespects you to this level and not even standing up for yourself just sends the message to him that you'll put up with whatever bullsh*t he dumps at your feet and you'll STILL stay.

[jnel921]

Sparkles...talk is cheap. You had to set him up to get the truth.

 

Actions speak louder than words. He doesn't want to work on your R and you tell him one more time and that's it. Why is he getting a chance?

 

You should have packed your bag and let him show and prove to you that it's with you that he wants to be with and that he is sincerely R.

 

Once he feels you are back in a good place with him, I am sure he will do it again but be a little more discreet.

 

If it's 7 months an it doesn't feel right... Most likely it's not.

[RRM321]

Thank u for the advice, I guess time will tell. I definitely have my eyes open now, and he knows one slip up and he's gone.

 

If you want to save this marriage then you cannot make HIM your priority. This has to be about YOU! About the reverence YOU need to sustain a viable relationship with anyone, not simply this bloke.

 

The issue really isn't the affair - it's whether or not this man has the character to step it up and go the distance. This is all about what YOU need to have the kind of future you want.

 

IMHO you're still being cheated of the life you deserve, because he's not willing to do the work necessary for you to recover. He has no right to be protected from his feelings and guilt while you suffer silently with yours. He has no reasonable right to avoid counseling and keep his behavior secret.

 

When people notice how emotionally edgy you are why should he get a pass on being responsible for that? He was selfish to cheat. He was cruel to violate your own home while doing it, and he's a coward for depriving you of the support you truly need. If he can't own up to that - he doesn't deserve you, and you don't deserve to be a second class citizen in your own marriage and home. His inability or unwillingness to put ANY of your needs before his own is why he cheated in the first place. That is the first thing that has to change if you are to have any hope of saving your marriage.

 

If he's not 130% there for you, recovery won't happen for you. When you don't recover he'll push away again. If he can't deal with what he has done to you now - how is he supposed to deal with loving you 3, 5, 10 years from now? If he won't deal with it - you won't make it.

 

Marriage is a negotiation, and the affair has brought you back to the bargaining table. Letting him hide from what he has done while your pain takes a back seat is a devastating concession to have made. Tear up that treaty and start again with a plan that can actually work. You cannot live your life waiting for the the second strike, and he cannot live his on the edge of an ultimatum. That's a cold war policy of mutually assured destruction.

Edited February 25, 2016 by RRM321

[merrmeade]

This ^^^^ says it just about as well as you can say it.

[waterwoman]

"He has no right to be protected from his feelings and guilt while you suffer silently with yours. He has no reasonable right to avoid counseling and keep his behavior secret. "

 

Yep!

 

He has NO RIGHT. Assuming he wants to stay with you he has NO RIGHT to avoid the things that will heal you and mend your marriage.

[dichotomy]

7 months is still very very early.

 

 

It may take 7 years....

 

 

and even then - what you had - who you were - its gone.

 

 

Start building a new you.

[Mr Blunt]

By Sparkles72

We have discussed it when it happened, we talked and talked, I asked all the details. I thought I was ok but obviously I'm not. Is it worth dragging it all up again?

 

 

Sparkles

You said that you talked and talked and asked all the details. What do you hope to happen if he talks and talks some more? If his talking is going to get you better than try to make him talk.

 

 

 

I understand that the details are very luring and you may think that more details will help. I have read where the gory sexual details have haunted the minds of the BS for years and years and in some cases the mind movies never left and continued to torment. However, if you think that more details will help you then disregard my posts.

 

 

 

For me, the main issue was that I was rejected, replaced, and betrayed. Once I got that confirmed and some initial details then I set a plan for me to get stronger. Getting more gory details would get me all occupied with the pain and depression and take away from me getting myself stronger.

 

 

 

 

 

Why do you want more details?

Why do you think more details will be more positive than negative?

 

 

Maybe I am missing something. All you posters that advocate more details please answer the two questions above. I am willing to learn.

[Mr. Lucky]

I hate her with a passion and really want her to hurt like I am right now, and I am disappointed in him.

 

Pretty much backwards. You should be disappointed in her and angry with him. That anger is a rightful step in recovery, whether together or divorced. Suppressing that anger leads to resentment, the very feeling you're experiencing now.

 

Affairs are acts of deceit. Recovery is built on honesty, no matter how hard that truth is to hear. The same conflict-avoidant behavior your WS uses now to dodge dealing with your feelings is the path that led him to cheat in the first place. Unless dealt with and fixed, you'll probably be dealing with this again.

 

You're going to have to force the issue...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sparkles72]

Hi all thanks for all your replies, some I have only just come across now. We have been trying to get back to normal and I thought things were turning a corner. But tonight I caught some conversations between him and her on messenger. It was nothing flirty, just friendly chat, he kept deleting the conversation though so I couldn't read all of it. (I signed in his profile while he was using it on my phone as he was spending a lot of time on his phone). Obviously he doesn't want me to see as he knows I know his password and he told me from day one that he would not contact her again. He also contacted her last week when we were out shopping as we bumped into her husband. I feel so annoyed and angry that he is still in contact with her. I know they were friends before, but in my opinion you don't f**k your friends.

 

Am I being too soft and gullible?

 

By the way he isn't my husband, we are engaged, been engaged for a few years. I have no intention of marrying him at all now

[privategal]

If you read the ow/om forum here, many men (and women) go right back to affair partner after the spouse has cooled down and suspicion has seemingly gone away.

Your statement "one more slip up, he's gone.." also says because you hadnt been given the full truth, part of you has little reassurance this wont be the last time and now youve got a marriage you have to keep under a microscope.

It doesnt matter if he goes into a mood, gets mad, sad...you are his wife.

You deserve his utmost love, care, and respect.

I am NOT trying to suggest he will definately do it again but after reading hundreds of stories here...the odds arent in any BW or BH favor really.

You COULD have put him in a mood from day one by kicking him to the curb...you "forgave" but your grieving on your own.

HE should grieve, be sad, be sorry, comfort you, and make sure you feel safe and loved and assured.

Dont let this go.

If it can work...he has to know how you still grieve. Be strong..dont back down wjen he gets upset.

Write it in a letter (if you HAVE to but talking is better.. Tell him, I need all details, how long etc...and our first counseling appointment is on this date and time. Join me or get out.

You get one life. He made a vow..hes gotta stand by it.