If you are a bs or ws who reconciled, what did you learn from the affair?

[wmacbride]

If you are a bs, did your ws change how you viewed your marriage? What were some lessons you learned?

 

The biggest thing I learned is the paradox of how, post-A, in order to be fully engaged in your M, you have to be willing to walk away if you feel you have exhausted all your efforts to make it work and you really have tried your best.

 

I researched leaving and what that would entail, what my options were and I knew how to best go about it. I had spoken with a lawyer and gotten some helpful advice.

 

Knowing what my options were gave me the ability to stay in my M and work on it because I wanted to, not because I had to. That allowed me to let go of a lot of resentment, as I didn't feel like I had no other choices. It was my decision to stay, and I took full responsibility for it.

 

I felt completely in control of my life, and there was something really freeing about that.

[Midwestmissy]

I agree - knowledge is power. I'd never considered my life without him, and now I know it's totally feasible. That I'd be fine. That was hard to grasp when I was dry heaving in the shower.

 

What's interesting is my wh never once considered me leaving, so he was able to carry on. Once I saw a lawyer and kicked him out, sh$t got real. His denial was a bigger problem than mine. He thought he had all the control - who'd know about the affair, everyone's reactions to it - he'd convinced himself he could manage it. That there were no bad consequences, no one would be hurt. But he did a pretty lousy job and underestimated everything and everyone. People screwing in hotel rooms don't consider that their teenagers will lose all respect for them, and that you can't just put a band aid on it. And those same teenagers are each affected in their own personal unspoken way. And people love to gossip about affairs, so the story travels whether you want it to or not.

 

I know that I can't keep him from cheating. Or staying. But my reaction to either is completely in my control.

 

I also learned a lot about manipulators, which was eye opening. My wh FOO had eroded our marriage very subtly and with a check book and a sugary smile for years. It's been pretty shocking. So the affair taught me who in this world really cares about me, and while I didn't think it was a huge number, it was a hell of a lot less than I'd been led to believe.

[Cloudcuckoo]

If you are a bs, did your ws change how you viewed your marriage? What were some lessons you learned?

 

The biggest thing I learned is the paradox of how, post-A, in order to be fully engaged in your M, you have to be willing to walk away if you feel you have exhausted all your efforts to make it work and you really have tried your best.

 

I researched leaving and what that would entail, what my options were and I knew how to best go about it. I had spoken with a lawyer and gotten some helpful advice.

 

Knowing what my options were gave me the ability to stay in my M and work on it because I wanted to, not because I had to. That allowed me to let go of a lot of resentment, as I didn't feel like I had no other choices. It was my decision to stay, and I took full responsibility for it.

 

I felt completely in control of my life, and there was something really freeing about that.

 

 

Well articulated macbride. I share your decision making process, as I had very much the same considerations after dday.

 

I would go further to say that I considered it would be the easiest way to resolve the situation by simply walking away, but what keeps us often, is a refusal to give up on all that we have invested over time without being absolutely certain that we have made every effort so that if leaving the marriage is necessary we can do so in the full knowledge that we DID do everything we could possibly have done, and with head held high, don't you think?

 

I learned that everything we do is always a conscious choice.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I agree - knowledge is power. I'd never considered my life without him, and now I know it's totally feasible. That I'd be fine. That was hard to grasp when I was dry heaving in the shower.

 

What's interesting is my wh never once considered me leaving, so he was able to carry on. Once I saw a lawyer and kicked him out, sh$t got real. His denial was a bigger problem than mine. He thought he had all the control - who'd know about the affair, everyone's reactions to it - he'd convinced himself he could manage it. That there were no bad consequences, no one would be hurt. But he did a pretty lousy job and underestimated everything and everyone. People screwing in hotel rooms don't consider that their teenagers will lose all respect for them, and that you can't just put a band aid on it. And those same teenagers are each affected in their own personal unspoken way. And people love to gossip about affairs, so the story travels whether you want it to or not.

 

I know that I can't keep him from cheating. Or staying. But my reaction to either is completely in my control.

 

I also learned a lot about manipulators, which was eye opening. My wh FOO had eroded our marriage very subtly and with a check book and a sugary smile for years. It's been pretty shocking. So the affair taught me who in this world really cares about me, and while I didn't think it was a huge number, it was a hell of a lot less than I'd been led to believe.

 

Missy, you always talk sense for me, and I assimilate with many of your opinions and experiences....

 

I too came to understand my naivety when engaged with manipulative individuals, and I too have come to realise that my husband's parents not only didn't give a toss about me, but they actually have a seriously skewed view of what caring about their son means!

[Midwestmissy]

Cloud, it's been harder for my husband to accept this than I. His response to his mother cutting me out was "she loves you, she just doesn't know what to do." She's a therapist, so at the very least, she could jot a note that said, "I love you I just don't know what to do." Which is what a lot of folks without her masters in social work actually did. When she never contacted the kids either, he had a hard time blaming me, so it's been a slow road to him seeing her for what she is. I can't put myself in his shoes, but this is the only parenting he's ever had, I can't imagine it's easy to get your head around the fact, which is: she knows exactly what to do, she just doesn't care. I don't expect him to cut her out of his life, but I do expect him to respect what I think is best for me, since he had an affair and lost that privilege, so to speak. Strangely my kids never ask about her, she was such a thin candy shell in their lives, they don't realize they haven't seen her in 2 years. And, the times my h has offered to visit her with them haven't been convenient for her.

 

So I've learned that we have no idea the crazy things our spouses took in with their mashed peas when it comes to relationships. And mean monsters sometimes look like grandmas. We all (or a lot of us) think what we experienced as children was normal. But one person's normal is another person trying to reconnect the umbilical cord to a middle aged man.

[dichotomy]

I also explored other choice(s) and for me they were worse than staying. So I stayed. You can call it reconciliation, but not sure it fully is reconciled - even 10 years later.

 

I think I learned alot about my wife I did not understand, that she hid. I learned that she loved very differently than I did and viewed sex very differently then I did. I know her (or who she was for a while) better then she does. But I also know she has much more hidden. While she has grown all these years later - to love more like I do - there is still some notable disconnects between us.

 

I also feel I learned to let go of alot old fashioned romantic ideas about love, sex, relationships, and fidelity. While a bit sad, I wish I had learned this decades ago. I also learned to be more selfish, but also less self centered - if that makes any sense.

Edited February 19, 2016 by dichotomy

[bobwhite007]

I also explored other choice(s) and for me they were worse than staying. So I stayed. You can call it reconciliation, but not sure it fully is reconciled - even 10 years later.

 

I think I learned alot about my wife I did not understand, that she hid. I learned that she loved very differently than I did and viewed sex very differently then I did. I know her (or who she was for a while) better then she does. But I also know she has much more hidden. While she has grown all these years later - to love more like I do - there is still some notable disconnects between us.

 

I also feel I learned to let go of alot old fashioned romantic ideas about love, sex, relationships, and fidelity. While a bit sad, I wish I had learned this decades ago. I also learned to be more selfish, but also less self centered - if that makes any sense.

I feel all those things the same way . I have a hard time putting it in words the way you have here.

[katielee]

as a fWS - I learned I had to live my life very intentionally, according to my values. That I just can't float through life agreeing to and with everyone or I can't just let things happen. I have to have boundaries. I had to sit down and figure out what kind of person I wanted to be and live that every single day. That I have to protect the precious things in my life.

I learned that I had a Disney view of marriage and that it was my responsibility to live the life I wanted to and be happy - and that had nothing to do with anyone else.

 

as a BS - I learned that one can be way too invested in another person. It's not fair to put your WS on a pedestal. That marriage takes constant watering and feeding and light.

[wmacbride]

as a fWS - I learned I had to live my life very intentionally, according to my values. That I just can't float through life agreeing to and with everyone or I can't just let things happen. I have to have boundaries. I had to sit down and figure out what kind of person I wanted to be and live that every single day. That I have to protect the precious things in my life.

I learned that I had a Disney view of marriage and that it was my responsibility to live the life I wanted to and be happy - and that had nothing to do with anyone else.

 

as a BS - I learned that one can be way too invested in another person. It's not fair to put your WS on a pedestal. That marriage takes constant watering and feeding and light.

 

 

This is a really good point.

[gonnadropthemic]

You learn what lust really is... You learn how people can act when they want what they can't have.... You learn the real reasons as to why most people really do stray... You learn how to be deceptive

[Mrs. John Adams]

As a BS...I learned that karma does exist...and sometimes we get exactly what we deserve.

 

As a FWW...I learned there are evil people in this world....and I am one of them.

I learned that I can be totally and completely selfish.

I learned that you can't trust anyone...especially yourself

I learned that I am capable of hurting the people i love the most

I learned that the people who think they are better than others...who think they would never stoop so low to have an affair...can and do

 

I don't think I necessarily learned anything that is positive in either situation. I had a good life....i risked it all....i have a good life again...but i lost something i can never get back. I can never say i have only been with my husband....I lost the innocence that we shared.....and even though we still have each other...I can never give back to him what i took from him...and i have to live with that the rest of my life.....and sadly...so does he.

[JohnAdams]

I think my lovely bride summed it up well.

 

First, absolutely nothing good comes out of an affair. It is learning to live with the aftermath.

 

I thought affairs happened in the movies and on Television, not real life. So, prior to an affair I do not think I ever gave it a serious thought.

 

I learned you can never be complacent. When you let your guard down, even briefly, things can rapidly change.

 

I learned that regardless of how special you think you are, you are not.

 

I learned there is no fairly tale.

 

I learned that even though I am not a trusting person, you can trust no one.

 

I learned that people are willing to throw away their life for the moment.

 

I learned that even setting average expectations out of life, I was not able to achieve them.

 

I learned that superficial desires trumps authentic, genuine life.

 

I learned that life is truly disappointing.

 

I learned how much I love.

 

I learned I could forgive something so evil that I could not comprehend.

 

I learned I could become much more self destructive than I ever imagined.

 

I learned that I could become the same superficial self absorbed bore that attracted my wife.

 

I learned that I could fall more in love than ever with the very person that broke my heart.

 

I learned that life goes on, no one else cares, you learn to cope.

 

Life can still be good and possibly better than ever.

 

I learned that I am so lucky, happy and grateful that I still have my wife.

[ShatteredLady]

Oh lovely Mrs Adams & dear Mr Adams. I can't stop crying. I so desperately want to have the last ones you list & wish beyond anything that no one ever learnt all the others. My love story was stolen. I wish I was still someone who couldn't really 'get' that statement.

 

You are both such beautiful people, doing so much to help others. I know it's incredibly selfish to say but something good did come from your experiences...for me. I thank you.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Oh lovely Mrs Adams & dear Mr Adams. I can't stop crying. I so desperately want to have the last ones you list & wish beyond anything that no one ever learnt all the others. My love story was stolen. I wish I was still someone who couldn't really 'get' that statement.

 

You are both such beautiful people, doing so much to help others. I know it's incredibly selfish to say but something good did come from your experiences...for me. I thank you.

 

SL....

 

We have said many many times...the stars aligned correctly for us. Had one thing been different....I don't know that we would be together. We know we are lucky...and we make sure each and every day that we both know that our relationship gets top priority....and we enjoy doing that...because we know we almost lost it.

 

You have so much on your plate...you have to deal with so many health issues in addition to being away from your family....and infidelity. I would just be overwhelmed if I walked in your shoes.

 

I thank you for your beautiful comments...and I am glad we help you. That's why we are here.... To support others...and to give them HOPE. Hope is that little flame that shines in the darkness. Infidelity is so dark....we are trying to find our way through the pain and fear.....and sometimes just a tiny little flame provides just enough light for us to keep moving on the path of life toward healing. I pray...that we always remain a tiny little flame for others....

[wmacbride]

One thing I learnedis that my dad had a very brief A early on in his marriage.

 

They had never talked to me about that before, but he and my mom were able to use that to help me understand my own situtaion. Although each marriage and infidelity is different, some elements are the same.

 

I needed that, as my husband left for deployment really soon after his A ended, and we had barely begun to sort through anything. You can't do that in a few emails and short phone calls.

 

We were both very different people when he came back.

 

having my parents to talk to really helped, and my dad told me it helped him as well. he said he;'d always known it hurt my mom terribly, but until he saw it in me, he never really understood just how much.

 

They were married 50 years before she died, and the other day I was helping him move form one apartment into another- he'd sold their home and moved as soon as he could, as it made him too sad to live there- and we went through old pictures together. It made him cry, but in a good way.

[MidnightBlue1980]

What I learned as both a BS and WS:

 

Everyone is capable of lying right to your face.

 

Some people have no souls.

 

Emotional vampires exist. If you feel worse by knowing them and they feel better, you are in a relationship with one.

 

More people than you think are staying together for the kids.

 

Never trust anyone who says bad things about their spouse and yells at them, puts them down. You'll be next.

 

Some people will say whatever it takes to get what they want from you and walk away without a care, leaving you and your world in pieces.

 

Be cautious in who you let in your mind, your heart and your soul.

 

Love is an action, not a feeling.

 

Staying - the new shame.

 

Build a fence around your marriage and lock the door.

 

Lust overrides all other thoughts and emotions.

 

Kids are not stupid.

 

Be careful who you take advice from. Consider the source.

 

Trust your instincts. If you feel someone is only using you, they probably are.

[waterwoman]

I have learned that the most important person in my life is me. With the exception of my children, whom I feel privileged to know, everyone is expendable if they choose to be.

 

So far since DDay H had shown he appreciates that. It is up to him how long he chooses to do so. I hope to end my days loving him and in his love but I won't accept any more hurt.

[jenkins95]

Fantastic thread guys. I am a former WH, a few months post affair. NC for nearly 100 days. Reconciliation with my BW is going well.

 

1. I learned that when in an affair, your mind can play tricks on you and massively cloud your judgement.

 

2. I learned that if you feel the dreaded "I love you but I am not in love with you" feelings for your spouse, that does not necessarily automatically mean the end, and feelings can change. This relates to 1.

 

3. I learned that I am capable of behaving like a silly, selfish, foolish, spoiled, illogical, jealous, idiotic teenager - even though I am in my forties and had behaved pretty maturely and selflessly for a couple of decades before my affair.

 

4. I learned that an affair can give you highs that feel like paradise.

 

5. I learned that an affair can give you lows that feel like hell.

 

6. I learned that at the start if the affair, it is 95% number 4 and 5% number 5. A year later, those numbers have reversed. The affair quickly starts to take more than it gives.

 

7. I thought my affair was unique and not like "other" affairs. I knew nothing about affairs until I came here in desperation - I then quickly found that far from being unique, I was one walking cliche, and ticked all the boxes for the classic affair cliches.

 

8. I learned that I lie frighteningly well and am very resourceful when it comes to inventing scenarios for meeting my AP.

 

9. I learned that affairs are never worth it. I almost never heard of an affair where at least one person didn't get seriously hurt.

 

10. I learned that my actions hurt lots of people....and could have hurt many more. I bitterly regret at least three people......and badly damaging myself.

 

11. Through my wife, I learned that the power of forgiveness is a beautiful and empowering thing for the giver and a beautiful and humbling thing for the receiver.

 

12. I learned that we are not alone - MM, MW, BS, WS, OW, OM - whatever role you have in your particular story, there are thousands of people out there going through the same thing and many of these are good enough to share their experiences and help others.

 

13. I learned that the internet is a very dangerous place that can allow people to slip into affairs more easily than if you met in real life.

 

14. I learned that the internet is also a great place to come for advice and find wonderful people to share my story with like you guys.

 

15. I learned that once you have crossed that line and been unfaithful, things can never be quite the same again - something is lost forever. Having said that, you can learn from the experience to be truly sorry, to change, to recommit, to make the marriage even better than it was pre affair.

 

16. I learned that the aftermath of affairs is a long process. Recovery takes a long time - months, years.

 

17. I learned that we often don't really know people that we felt we really know well - even ourselves.

 

18. I learned that falling in love is not always a good thing, and can often be the most damaging thing you will ever do.

 

Keep them coming guys, this is great stuff.

Edited February 20, 2016 by jenkins95

[gettingstronger]

I've learned that low self esteem can be masked as bravado. I've learned that I'm ok with divorce should I decide that's my path. I've learned I'm ok with reconciliation should that continue to be my path. I've learned I'm stronger than I knew. I've learned I still love my husband through the unimaginable but that doesn't mean I'll stick around should our marriage not meet our needs.

[road]

Do not recover if your WS trickle truths you and refuses to answer any of your questions.

 

 

For not having answers will keep the affair and the AP in the BS's mind.

 

 

The WS keeping their secrets will only keep the AP and the affair from being forgotten by the BS.

 

 

There is never going to be enough time to make the BS to forget their need to get the answers to their question, even thirty years later the BS will still need the answers.

[wmacbride]

All great stuff

 

Another thing I've learned is to forgive myself. I felt like a moron for not being able to see what was going on right under my nose

that was not my fault.

 

I have also learned to trust my instincts a bit more. If I have a nagging feeling something isn't right, best to deal with that, and this does not just apply to M but to all areas of life.

[strugglinghubby]

As a BS I've learned:

 

- That I can be completely broken as a man, to a level I never thought possible

 

- That affairs are inherently unfair, no matter how much the WS wants to fix things, the heavy lifting (coming to terms with what happened if there is to be a R) all rests on the BS shoulders

 

- That when someone is in the fog of an affair they will wantonly lie, cheat and deceive to cover their tracks without having any regard to the consequences of their actions

 

- That nothing that happens in an affair actually makes any sense, so don't try and apply logic to what happened

 

- That life for all concerned is never the same after an affair

 

- That I am an incredibly strong and resilient person

 

- To trust my instincts first and foremost

[waterwoman]

"That affairs are inherently unfair, no matter how much the WS wants to fix things, the heavy lifting (coming to terms with what happened if there is to be a R) all rests on the BS shoulders"

 

Yes, affairs are grossly unfair - I think that is why some BS and OP work so hard trying to blame the BS just to find some false equity.

 

I don't agree with the heavy lifting comment though - if true R happens the WS has to work damned hard too. And any WS who is genuinely remorseful will be racked with guilt and humiliation and still have to function above and beyond normal levels to make things better. Like running a marathon with the worse hangover ever ;)

[Bittersweetie]

Former WW here. I learned:

 

- The only person responsible for my happiness is myself. Others either enhance it or don't.

 

- I shouldn't have pursued my own happiness at the expense of someone else's.

 

- That I will never again be a person who treats others the way I did, and never allow someone else to treat me as I was treated.

 

- Communicate! As a married couple, we have to talk about the bad stuff as well as the good stuff.

 

- That the second chance my H gave me was a huge gift that I am thankful for every day.