Jump to content

"I feel sorry for his wife"


gettingstronger

Recommended Posts

gettingstronger

I have read this more than once and I am wondering how other BS in or out of reconciliation feel about this statement-

 

Its usually uttered "after the fact". When the A is exposed or ended otherwise. I guess what I don't get is- when involved with a married person you know they are a liar and a deceiver, you know what they are doing and yet people fall in love with this version of the married person-

 

As soon as I found out about the A-my demand was pretty clear- end it or end the marriage- I was not going to be involved with that version of my husband-

 

The man I wanted to be involved with would not be the one that is lying and betraying- serious steps to becoming better than that was necessary for me to be with that person-

 

What is there to feel sorry for- I don't understand, I am not settling for that version of my husband- I am with the one that works towards honesty and integrity-

 

BS- do you get confused on how anyone could be "in love" with that "other" version of your spouse-

 

Thinking out loud and rambling here, so I hope this makes sense-

  • Like 9
Link to post
Share on other sites
I have read this more than once and I am wondering how other BS in or out of reconciliation feel about this statement-

 

Its usually uttered "after the fact". When the A is exposed or ended otherwise. I guess what I don't get is- when involved with a married person you know they are a liar and a deceiver, you know what they are doing and yet people fall in love with this version of the married person-

 

As soon as I found out about the A-my demand was pretty clear- end it or end the marriage- I was not going to be involved with that version of my husband-

 

The man I wanted to be involved with would not be the one that is lying and betraying- serious steps to becoming better than that was necessary for me to be with that person-

 

What is there to feel sorry for- I don't understand, I am not settling for that version of my husband- I am with the one that works towards honesty and integrity-

 

BS- do you get confused on how anyone could be "in love" with that "other" version of your spouse-

 

Thinking out loud and rambling here, so I hope this makes sense-

 

I am not a BS.

 

I am a former cheating spouse.

 

For me, the affair was just about sex and fun and fantasy. I emphatically did not love the OW and many times I did not even like her, once I saw more of her personality.

 

My OW, however, when I ended it, and told my wife, the OW wanted more. So she pulled a Glen Close character on me and started stalking my wife and trying to destroy our reconciliation

 

I was a little surprised too because she had initiated the affair and had three other affairs before me and she insisted that ALL she wanted was to supplement her marriage, claimed she would never leaver her husband, etc.

 

But to my surprise that changed, when I ended it. She was always curious about my wife, even though I refused to discuss her beyond the fact that I did not want to leave my wife. This should have been a major clue, but this was my first affair and I was clueless.

 

Personally, I don't think she is in love with me. I think she is in love with the fantasy.

 

Also, I think there appears to be a huge element of competition wedged in there somewhere with the OW and that had set her off.

 

She became very competitive about my wife and kept insisting that I loved her more than my wife otherwise I would not have had an affair, etc., so I think she needs to feel as if she is more important than my wife to raise her own sense of self esteem. I never told the OW I loved her, and I repeatedly told her it was just an affair.

 

Although my wife is 19 years older than the OW, I still feel that my wife is more attractive both physically, emotionally and mentally to me.

 

My wife, is wife material.

 

The OW was just someone who advertised that she wanted and affair and was available and I thought safe because she was married too.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Its usually uttered "after the fact". When the A is exposed or ended otherwise. I guess what I don't get is- when involved with a married person you know they are a liar and a deceiver, you know what they are doing and yet people fall in love with this version of the married person-

 

If WS's wore signs declaring themselves to be "a liar and a deceiver", LS would get a lot less traffic. They don't and many of us were blindsided by the fact our spouse would enter into an affair.

 

So I think the sympathy reflects the shock most BS's feel and the difficult emotional, financial and parental situations many find themselves in. The wife of Jared from Subway might be the poster child for this.

 

I do agree that, post DDay, all bets are off. Someone who stays after infidelity is exposed should understand, good and bad, what they're signing up for...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

I guess what I don't get is- when involved with a married person you know they are a liar and a deceiver, you know what they are doing and yet people fall in love with this version of the married person-

 

Since your post is directed for BS, my apology first, as I am not a BS; I am xOW.

 

I would only like to respond about the above.

 

As the OW, this was my first time in love--head over heels. Completely blinded, completely paralyzed by all senses. First time believing in something words couldn't explain or express. First time being touched, held, kissed and loved. First time seeing a man right in front of me, naked, open, and looking right back at me. First time seeing a man's eyes, and seeing an entire universe behind those eyes.

 

First time experiencing what my mind couldn't fathom. First time finding myself feeling there was something about this person I loved more than everything else in the world combined, yet I couldn't understand why. I did try to question what I felt, but I failed to make sense.

It was my first time realizing there's something about this person that made me see the secret woman inside me that I didn't know existed my whole life.

 

So NO I was not quite able to rationally and logically analyze his actions to think clearly.

It's very easy in retrospect to look back and critique my actions, but at the time ...

 

it was the first time I experienced LOVE. A total state of hypnosis, intoxication, and trance.

I'm not excusing my actions, but only trying to say sometimes our judgement is impaired by intense emotions, and yes then we do things that we regret and question for the rest of our lives.

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites

BS here.

 

Based on the last message the OW sent my H I believe that she thought she was in love with him. However, she didn't really KNOW him. She knew a strange and distorted version of him. Therefore I don't think she could've ever actually been in love. I think she was in love with an idea of him. I get it. On the outside he is a very attractive, smart, successful, funny, family man. Heck, I love him. However, she only got minutes of time here or there. If you put every minute they actually spent together it wouldn't added up to more than a couple of days of our relationship. She never stood a chance.

 

I have no idea if she feels sorry for me or not.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Since your post is directed for BS, my apology first, as I am not a BS; I am xOW.

 

I would only like to respond about the above.

 

As the OW, this was my first time in love--head over heels. Completely blinded, completely paralyzed by all senses. First time believing in something words couldn't explain or express. First time being touched, held, kissed and loved. First time seeing a man right in front of me, naked, open, and looking right back at me. First time seeing a man's eyes, and seeing an entire universe behind those eyes.

 

First time experiencing what my mind couldn't fathom. First time finding myself feeling there was something about this person I loved more than everything else in the world combined, yet I couldn't understand why. I did try to question what I felt, but I failed to make sense.

It was my first time realizing there's something about this person that made me see the secret woman inside me that I didn't know existed my whole life.

 

So NO I was not quite able to rationally and logically analyze his actions to think clearly.

It's very easy in retrospect to look back and critique my actions, but at the time ...

 

it was the first time I experienced LOVE. A total state of hypnosis, intoxication, and trance.

I'm not excusing my actions, but only trying to say sometimes our judgement is impaired by intense emotions, and yes then we do things that we regret and question for the rest of our lives.

 

 

The problem is that it's not you who pays the highest price for your feelings, though I can understand why it may feel otherwise. The same is true for the ws.

 

the ones who pay the highest prices are the bs, any children in the family,etc. Though I know some ow/om and ws views them as collateral damage in their quest for happiness, and their acquisition of self knowledge.

 

Quite frankly, my view is that platitudes like "I feel sorry for the wife" don't carry much weight. Instead, at least to me, it would mean far more if the ow/om or ws said " I feel sorry for the role I played in hurting another person. I will learn from that and not ever do it again".

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites

 

What is there to feel sorry for- I don't understand, I am not settling for that version of my husband- I am with the one that works towards honesty and integrity-

 

BS- do you get confused on how anyone could be "in love" with that "other" version of your spouse-

 

Thinking out loud and rambling here, so I hope this makes sense-

 

 

I am a BS...to be clear a BH.

 

I am not sure exactly what your getting at - but I think maybe I do.... You are saying you got the "true man" because he stayed and is working on you and the marriage. The man he was with OW (AP) was false/fake/liar him who dumped her as soon as dDay ?

 

If thats the case I get your view. One of my therapists tried to paint this for me - that I got the real woman and the fake one was the one with her MM.

 

I am not sure MM "loved my wife" in fact I don't think he did ever say that to her - but I sure as heck see why he liked or desired her. No matter what she was (a liar a cheater or fake or what ever) he certainly got the fun one and with no obligations or effort on his part to get that.

 

So yes - "sorry for husband" ( me) in that area. Also sorry she lied to me, was selfish, and more.... who would not feel sorry for the BS for that?

 

But also yes - well past dDay I am getting a woman who is striving and mostly achieving for integrity and honesty and with me that he did not get the woman she is with me. So maybe not so sorry for me.

 

I don't know - I am confused about this thread and even my responses. Sorry.

Edited by dichotomy
  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
gettingstronger
Since your post is directed for BS, my apology first, as I am not a BS; I am xOW.

 

I would only like to respond about the above.

 

As the OW, this was my first time in love--head over heels. Completely blinded, completely paralyzed by all senses. First time believing in something words couldn't explain or express. First time being touched, held, kissed and loved. First time seeing a man right in front of me, naked, open, and looking right back at me. First time seeing a man's eyes, and seeing an entire universe behind those eyes.

 

First time experiencing what my mind couldn't fathom. First time finding myself feeling there was something about this person I loved more than everything else in the world combined, yet I couldn't understand why. I did try to question what I felt, but I failed to make sense.

It was my first time realizing there's something about this person that made me see the secret woman inside me that I didn't know existed my whole life.

 

So NO I was not quite able to rationally and logically analyze his actions to think clearly.

It's very easy in retrospect to look back and critique my actions, but at the time ...

 

it was the first time I experienced LOVE. A total state of hypnosis, intoxication, and trance.

I'm not excusing my actions, but only trying to say sometimes our judgement is impaired by intense emotions, and yes then we do things that we regret and question for the rest of our lives.

 

Thanks for chiming in. If you don't mind me asking, did he say he was leaving or lead you on? If not, how did you find yourself falling in love with someone that planned on continuing to be a liar and a cheater? That came out much more harsh than intended I think. It really is being asked without malice or judgement.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The mow thought my wh was super rich & successful. He encouraged that thinking as her boss. That made me the ungrateful spoiled sahm. No truth to any of it. She was a bit too curious about me & the family. No one ever expressed love, but she was pissed when it ended. She would have maintained the fantasy until he left me.

 

My wh thought the mow was great because she believed his lies and slept with him. Those were her greatest attributes. He didn't have to take her out for dinner or be seen in public with her or stay in the hotel room once the deed was done. No gifts wine flowers. He said like Liam that he didn't like her very much and she was a serial cheater. Older than I and not attractive, just willing to put out & flatter. She got uglier after it was over.

 

He says it's the worst thing he's ever done. He really hurt me & the kids deeply.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
gettingstronger
I am a BS...to be clear a BH.

 

I am not sure exactly what your getting at - but I think maybe I do.... You are saying you got the "true man" because he stayed and is working on you and the marriage. The man he was with OW (AP) was false/fake/liar him who dumped her as soon as dDay ?

 

If thats the case I get your view. One of my therapists tried to paint this for me - that I got the real woman and the fake one was the one with her MM.

 

I am not sure MM "loved my wife" in fact I don't think he did ever say that to her - but I sure as heck see why he liked or desired her. No matter what she was (a liar a cheater or fake or what ever) he certainly got the fun one and with no obligations or effort on his part to get that.

 

So yes - "sorry for husband" ( me) in that area. Also sorry she lied to me, was selfish, and more.... who would not feel sorry for the BS for that?

 

But also yes - well past dDay I am getting a woman who is striving and mostly achieving for integrity and honesty and with me that he did not get the woman she is with me. So maybe not so sorry for me.

 

I don't know - I am confused about this thread and even my responses. Sorry.

 

Yeah, kinda and me too! I know I'm rambling and can't solidify what I'm trying to discuss. I do appreciate everyone's thoughts tho!

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
ShatteredLady

There's this communication 'thing' that I STILL have with my H after 26 years! It's best explained with examples...

 

H says "Oh I feel terrible. I think I've got the flu".

I say "Oh babe I'm so sorry!"

H says "Why? You didn't make me sick!"

 

That's an extreme example but you know what I mean? There are different kinds of "sorry for".

 

As a BS I want my H to feel sorry for the pain & destruction of ME that he has caused. I want him to be sorry. Not pity!!! I want, need him to own it all & be truly sorry.

 

As I human being I naturally feel sorry for any BS. I'm sorry for their 'pain' (I wish there was a simple word for it. Pain is too little. I mean ALL of it. The destruction of past, present, future. The devastation of me & my concept of love etc etc etc)

 

How can you not feel sorry for the BS??

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
ShatteredLady

Of course the OW only sees a tiny, well constructed, element of the WS's entire character.

 

I've said before, I've learnt some HUGE lessons in my life....

 

I used to think 'bollocks!' When a W says she's been married for 30 years & never thought that her H could be a serial killer.

 

I used to believe that only a very week, screwed-up W would tolerate abuse.

 

I used to think it was possible to completely know someone, each & every part of them. I'd never be shocked to meet "the stranger' that lurks inside.

 

For the sake of privacy I'll put it like this.... I know, or thought I knew, a person who killed their family. Still can't process that one!

 

I've been mocked, walked around & looked down on with contempt whilst shaking, crying, collapsed on the floor, dry heaving, by "one of the kindest people I've ever known".

 

I've been locked out in the snow with only a small towel one night. I stayed with that man. No-one would believe that of me!!

 

Do we ever really know anyone? We think we do. We believe that we know ourselves. That person didn't think they could hurt anyone, let alone kill their loved ones!!

 

I know there are all degrees of mental illness & personality types...aren't we all somewhere on those scales all the time? Can't we all slip to more extremes?

 

I don't know!

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers

The only thing that sprang to mind about OW feeling sorry for me was:

 

I really rather she would not mess around with my husband than feel sorry for me. LMAO.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm both a BS & WW...honestly I don't think with one of our AP got some "different version" of either of us...we were still the same people with them, that we were with each other. I was never different with OM. Then again my A wasn't based on sex. IMO, AP get the same person the BS fell in love with...the fun care free version they were when many spouses meet. The WS is a "different" person I think in the BS bc the BS never saw their WS lying & cheating on them but really think about it, the BS once didn't have bills & "real life" problems with their WS in the beginning either. So does that make one's courting time not real? When did you really "know" your WS & if you "really" knew them then why didn't you know they would cheat? IMO, "no body knows nothin" quote from a old director after he found out his wife was having an A & left him.

 

Now maybe the WS has no intention of leaving their BS for AP but the AP fell for the same person/personality that the BS fell for...I really don't see it being all that different. If the BS reconciles the BS now knows the WS lies & is still staying with them, so isn't it all kind of the same?

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm both a BS & WW...honestly I don't think with one of our AP got some "different version" of either of us...we were still the same people with them, that we were with each other. I was never different with OM. Then again my A wasn't based on sex. IMO, AP get the same person the BS fell in love with...the fun care free version they were when many spouses meet. The WS is a "different" person I think in the BS bc the BS never saw their WS lying & cheating on them but really think about it, the BS once didn't have bills & "real life" problems with their WS in the beginning either. So does that make one's courting time not real? When did you really "know" your WS & if you "really" knew them then why didn't you know they would cheat? IMO, "no body knows nothin" quote from a old director after he found out his wife was having an A & left him.

 

Now maybe the WS has no intention of leaving their BS for AP but the AP fell for the same person/personality that the BS fell for...I really don't see it being all that different. If the BS reconciles the BS now knows the WS lies & is still staying with them, so isn't it all kind of the same?

 

But the WS does have real life problems. They have jobs, family, kids, bills, etc. Yes, when my H first meet me, we didn't have those things but that was 15 years ago. We both have grown and changed over the years. His AP only with him for short periods of time. She never had to clean his dirty socks, figure out how to pay the mortgage, or deal with our sick children.

 

I will say that we forgot how to be ourselves together. We had drifted apart. But who he was with her isn't wasn't his true self. We are working hard at being ourselves together with each other.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

When most couples meet they have jobs & bills...just not together. That's my point, the WS goes back to that person with AP, that's part of the fun of the A. That's the WS escape, so my point is AP is meeting basically the same person the BS did bc "real life" isn't stressed in the A. So if you go back to how your WS when you first met them, that's usually who the AP, so if the BS fell in love with that, why would they think AP couldn't have? I knew exactly why my H OW fell for him, she fell for the same guy I did. I dint understand why a BS wouldn't recognize that, if you fell in love with love with your spouse, why couldn't someone else?

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
But the WS does have real life problems. They have jobs, family, kids, bills, etc. Yes, when my H first meet me, we didn't have those things but that was 15 years ago. We both have grown and changed over the years. His AP only with him for short periods of time. She never had to clean his dirty socks, figure out how to pay the mortgage, or deal with our sick children.

 

I will say that we forgot how to be ourselves together. We had drifted apart. But who he was with her isn't wasn't his true self. We are working hard at being ourselves together with each other.

 

Sorry cut my post off...

 

See those are the things BS don't remember, you fell in love with your spouse before you cleaned his socks. That's old love but new love is a whole different thing & one doesn't have to be young to feel young love.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
do you get confused on how anyone could be "in love" with that "other" version of your spouse-

Based on the last message the OW sent my H I believe that she thought she was in love with him. However, she didn't really KNOW him. She knew a strange and distorted version of him. Therefore I don't think she could've ever actually been in love. I think she was in love with an idea of him.

I am not sure exactly what your getting at - but I think maybe I do.... You are saying you got the "true man" because he stayed and is working on you and the marriage. The man he was with OW (AP) was false/fake/liar him who dumped her as soon as dDay ?

 

If thats the case I get your view. One of my therapists tried to paint this for me - that I got the real woman and the fake one was the one with her MM.

Of course the OW only sees a tiny, well constructed, element of the WS's entire character.

 

I am not sure I am off base with my question, as I don't know if this thread pertains only to one time cheaters, but don't BSs and OPs both get a distorted "fake" version of serial cheaters? Even when one or two of their indiscretions are found out, but the rest are kept secret? I am not talking about bills and kids and stuff, but more so of who that person is, and what they care capable of? I definitely understand the difference between knowing someone in the light of day to day tedium versus the care-free vacation mode WS, but I am talking about character and years of lies. About the WSs that missed kids soccer games with excuses for work but were actually with other people and the BS never ever find out. And other examples like that spanning many years. Isn't that also a distorted view of the WS to the BS?

 

I ask because after my exMM telling me about a lot of his secrets in the last month or so, the one thing that really made me move away from him was that he claimed to love his wife too, yet she had no idea who he has been for the last ten or twelve years. In my mind, I feel like he is keeping her trapped in a marriage she might not want to be in if she knew everything he had really done. She doesn't know him, and neither do I. The W and I both found out about each other within a couple of weeks of each other and made a mess of it last year, but he came clean to me about other transgressions recently after we broke NC (in hopes to earn my trust??? BARF) she has no idea about, and I could not accept that about him.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
gettingstronger

About the WSs that missed kids soccer games with excuses for work but were actually with other people and the BS never ever find out. And other examples like that spanning many years. Isn't that also a distorted view of the WS to the BS?

 

 

Exactly- if someone was missing their kids soccer game and lying about it to cheat- how is that someone you want to fall in love with-that is my question I think- why feel sorry for the BS, why not feel sorry for yourself for being willing to not only be a part of that, but for loving someone you KNOW is doing that-

 

In your case, I think you get it because once too much of this stuff came to light and you saw he wasn't going to change because that is who he is at his core, you left- wise move!

 

Yes, I am willing to work on a relationship with someone who cheated (past tense) but no, I would not be with an active cheater- thats the difference and I know a lot of OW come to this realization too so this is not a bash on them-

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

You have to take into consideration too that a lot of people on all sides of the affair confuse being nice with being good. Anyone can be nice, say lovely words, claim they are working so hard (it spares your feelings - see, I'm nice!). It's much harder to be good. You can't just say it, it's a character trait. In my situation, and in my my other experiences with manipulators, there was a lot more effort put into saying "i am a good person!" Than with actually being good. And whoa, don't put them to task for those words, they get all kinds of incredulous.

 

And we all fall for it. When my wh raged at me after not coming home for dinner because he was working late, I was the one who felt bad for being upset with this exhausted provider, I mean I was home with the kids, such a cushy job. He's doing nice things for our family, that's good, right?

 

In terms of feeling sorry, as the bs, I don't feel sorry for myself - no matter how pathetic and humiliated I feel, I'd rather be in my position than his. I haven't lost the respect of my kids and I didn't compromise myself or hurt my family for some strange. Both my wh and mow did and 7 kids know the details they can't unknow.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Isn't that also a distorted view of the WS to the BS?

 

I ask because after my exMM telling me about a lot of his secrets in the last month or so, the one thing that really made me move away from him was that he claimed to love his wife too, yet she had no idea who he has been for the last ten or twelve years. In my mind, I feel like he is keeping her trapped in a marriage she might not want to be in if she knew everything he had really done. She doesn't know him, and neither do I. The W and I both found out about each other within a couple of weeks of each other and made a mess of it last year, but he came clean to me about other transgressions recently after we broke NC (in hopes to earn my trust??? BARF) she has no idea about, and I could not accept that about him.

 

I think there is the assumption by some, that the real man, his "true self" is the husband and father and that somehow he wasn't "himself" when he stepped out of the marriage. His wife(and BS) knows him inside out and the OW only knows a shell.

I do not really believe that is true.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I think there is the assumption by some, that the real man, his "true self" is the husband and father and that somehow he wasn't "himself" when he stepped out of the marriage. His wife(and BS) knows him inside out and the OW only knows a shell.

I do not really believe that is true.

 

I don't believe it's possible - or helpful - to generalise across all Ms, or all As. There probably are some Ms where it is true that the WS undergoes some kind of character inversion and plays out some kind of hollow role with the OW, before returning to his "real" self with the BW, just as there are As where the reverse is true, where the MM has become a shell in the M, just a collection of roles (provider, father, MrFixit, etc) yet relaxes into being his authentic self when "off duty", with the OW... And yet other cases where the MM is authentic with neither the BW nor the OW.

 

I think the "sorry for his wife" feeling comes about where the A has ended, the BW believes (as far as can be observed by outsiders, anyway) the M is in reconciliation, but the MM is still reaching out on the sly to he OW (or still behaving in some selfish, entitled or uncommitted way that the OW would not tolerate). It's the "she's stuck with him, I dodged a bullet" realisation, or rationalisation, that some OW go through as part of their recovery from a toxic A.

 

It doesn't apply to all OW (that they express feeling sorry for the BW, or that they do feel sorry for the BW) nor to all situations, as some MM are remorseful and enter reconciliation authentically and pity for the BW is thus misplaced.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Quite frankly, my view is that platitudes like "I feel sorry for the wife" don't carry much weight. Instead, at least to me, it would mean far more if the ow/om or ws said " I feel sorry for the role I played in hurting another person. I will learn from that and not ever do it again".

 

You really don't hear this ^^^^^^ said at all.

 

It's usually more of the woe is me. "Why didn't he leave her".".I'm so heartbroken" "he or she used me"

 

I think saying they feel sorry for the BS is really a defence mechanism to hide their hurt of not being chosen. It's human nature when something doesn't go your way to say stuff like that.

 

Not a blind bit of consideration ....that never ceases to amaze me.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...