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Dealing with wife's affair.


Naively.Sensitive

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Naively.Sensitive

Since the last 8 months, I have been dealing with my wife's affair.

We have been married for about 15 years, with 2 kids, a 11 year old girl and 6 year old boy.

She confessed to me one morning, crying. She has asked for forgiveness and wants us to reconcile.

She was seduced by her boss at work, who systematically targeted her. He is a person (acquaintance) known to us and he specifically reserves a position at the company he works at, to hire female employees, so that he can use them. He is a sociopath. i.e. a person who uses people for his benefit, without feeling any empathy about it.

 

He complimented her looks on a daily basis, encouraged her to join the gymn and improve her figure, gaslighted her, invoked her feelings of sympathy for him, telling her a sob story about his wife not treating him well, confessed his own attraction towards her, provoked her by telling her that 60% of America has affairs and that she deserves to be happy and not be a slave.

He had probed our private life to find out about everything that was wrong with our marriage and then used that against her. Things like arguments we used to have about money, the stress in our lives related to our jobs, lack of consistent intimacy between us (We used to spend time together, but not consistently or regularly)

He seduced her and she willfully went into the affair, which lasted for about 4 months. I had no idea ofcourse and had fully trusted her and she betrayed my trust in the worst possible manner.

 

Our marriage wasn't perfect and we had our own problems, but it wasn't so bad that it justified her mental state and vulnerability.

 

I have been completely broken, ever since. I'm a very orthodox and traditionally valued person, even though I grew up in a big city and am very well educated.

Emotionally, I have not been able to handle it and I could never do such a thing (have an affair). It is an unforgivable sin in my mind and there is a background to why this is so, based on my childhood, during which I grew up in the trauma of my parent's affairs. My father had an open affair in response to my mother's feelings for a childhood friend whom she was not married to.

 

After confessing to me, she initially told me only about 1 sexual encounter. She kept the entire truth and tried to lie about it, but then the actual affair uncovered like layers of an onion, only when I pushed her to tell me the truth. There were about 9 sexual encounters. She kept denying that it was an affair and tried to attribute the blame towards the fact that she was not happy in life, in general and to the fact that this person had emotionally manipulated her to get what he wanted. At first it was even hard to get her to understand that it was a choice she made, even though the temptation was very strong by this other person.

Eventually, this person started getting what he wanted and stopped treating her the way she imagined the perfect man he used to project himself to be. She started to realize this after the 4th encounter, but kept going along, looking for another job and for ways in which to end the relationship.

 

The problems we now suffer are many. Truthfully, I don't think I could ever forgive her, because fidelity in a marriage is a core value and is part of my identity and who I am. However, I have been trying everyday, since she told me about this, 8 months ago. To understand my own true self, I have started some yoga and meditation, but it only helps to a certain degree (while I do the activity) and then I'm back in the emotionally strong and debilitating feelings. There are many hours in the day when I can't stop crying and the racing thoughts keep coming again, everyday. I suffer from body pain and trembling, probably because I still may be in the first phase of shock about what has happened, and it has been 8 months.

 

She is suffering too, but her emotions mean more to her than what I'm going through, so she finds it hard to try more intimate things that I feel I need to get over the PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) images and extreme pain.

 

Has any husband of a similar personality as me been through such an affair by the wife? What did you do to recover?

 

I desperately need help, as I have been trying everything..... Visits to the psychologist, joint visits to a marriage counselor, a lot of reading, yoga, meditation, but nothing has completely healed me. Is it just a matter of time for the healing to completely happen? Is 8 months too early? How long may it take to heal, assuming I am able to eventually heal?

 

I'm quite an analytical person, who questions things by nature. I have very high standards of moral values and integrity and am also very honest to myself and others. I'm a realist, grounded to earth and to me, things are what they are, but I understand that perspective comes into play as well.

In my mind, I still know that inspite of all circumstances, it was a choice that she made to go into this affair and I can never justify such an immoral act and the worst possible betrayal of trust. Thats just me. I feel that I could never live myself if I willfully destroyed this one most important belief, which is the core of my identity.

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This may not be what you want to hear but some can not overcome infidelity. You may be angry at the other man for his actions but in reality he only takes what is put on the table, in other words, they had sex because she allowed it. Have you exposed the affair to his wife or girlfriend? If you haven't do so immediately, don't tell your wife that you are doing this but do it. It takes up to 5 years to overcome the effects of infidelity with a lot of independent counselling. Some of us never get over the imbalance. Have you made her get tested for all STD's, please do so. Regardless of the outcome of your relationship, you should talk to a lawyer so you understand your rights as a husband and a father. She needs professional help to understand why she gave herself the approval to have an affair, do not sweep this under the rug. The only way through this is to go through it.

 

They need to be absolutely no contact even if that means quitting her job. Do not beat yourself up if you find that you can't get over her infidelity. The reason you are having trouble dealing with it is because your heart is in conflict with your mind and that will continue until one overrides the other. Do not stay in the marriage because of your children, that is staying for the wrong reason. The decision to cheat was her conscious decision, other man didn't force himself on her. You did nothing to cause this to happen, the guilt is all hers, she owns the choice 100%. Sorry for your pain. Do what is best for you.

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Very sorry for what is happend you.

One thing is thru here is nobody manipulated your wife, nobody put a gun in her head, SHE choose to have the affair, SHE choose to have sex with her boss, He play his game and your wife follow him in the game.

Your wife had the choice to say NO and go with you to tell You what was happening with her boss, but NO she prefer to have the affair And like you said afetr the 4th time that she saw that this as@h... was not what she saw in the first time, but what happend she did not care she continue with the affair.

So now is your choice and is just 2 ways D or R is your choice.

Edited by latinmex
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Please note comments in bold below:

Since the last 8 months, I have been dealing with my wife's affair.

We have been married for about 15 years, with 2 kids, a 11 year old girl and 6 year old boy.

She confessed to me one morning, crying. She has asked for forgiveness and wants us to reconcile.

She was seduced by her boss at work, who systematically targeted her. He is a person (acquaintance) known to us and he specifically reserves a position at the company he works at, to hire female employees, so that he can use them. He is a sociopath. i.e. a person who uses people for his benefit, without feeling any empathy about it.

 

Generally it's good when a spouse confesses voluntarily. Why did your wife confess? Was there some other pressure?

 

He complimented her looks on a daily basis, encouraged her to join the gymn and improve her figure, gaslighted her, invoked her feelings of sympathy for him, telling her a sob story about his wife not treating him well, confessed his own attraction towards her, provoked her by telling her that 60% of America has affairs and that she deserves to be happy and not be a slave.

He had probed our private life to find out about everything that was wrong with our marriage and then used that against her. Things like arguments we used to have about money, the stress in our lives related to our jobs, lack of consistent intimacy between us (We used to spend time together, but not consistently or regularly)

He seduced her and she willfully went into the affair, which lasted for about 4 months. I had no idea ofcourse and had fully trusted her and she betrayed my trust in the worst possible manner.

 

The cheating or wayward spouse (WS) usually will try to minimize the extent of her own culpability and "blame-shift," for example, blame the boss. I wonder if all of your information about the boss can be verified or is it all from her?

 

Our marriage wasn't perfect and we had our own problems, but it wasn't so bad that it justified her mental state and vulnerability.

 

Are you blaming her for her "mental state and vulnerability"? That sounds like something she couldn't prevent. That doesn't mean it's okay, but at least, this is an area where you can show understanding. More important, SHE needs to show that she understands how she fell into it.

 

I have been completely broken, ever since. I'm a very orthodox and traditionally valued person, even though I grew up in a big city and am very well educated.

Emotionally, I have not been able to handle it and I could never do such a thing (have an affair). It is an unforgivable sin in my mind and there is a background to why this is so, based on my childhood, during which I grew up in the trauma of my parent's affairs. My father had an open affair in response to my mother's feelings for a childhood friend whom she was not married to.

 

You need to find a good psychologist for your PTSD. You don't have to stay with the first one you meet. It's important to find someone right for you.

 

After confessing to me, she initially told me only about 1 sexual encounter. She kept the entire truth and tried to lie about it, but then the actual affair uncovered like layers of an onion, only when I pushed her to tell me the truth. There were about 9 sexual encounters.

 

These "layers of an onion" are also referred to as 'trickle truth' because the cheater dribbles out bits of the truth over a long period of time. They generally tell only what they have to and tell it in a way that makes them look good.

 

She kept denying that it was an affair and tried to attribute the blame towards the fact that she was not happy in life, in general and to the fact that this person had emotionally manipulated her to get what he wanted. At first it was even hard to get her to understand that it was a choice she made, even though the temptation was very strong by this other person.

 

She even believes her own blame-shifting defense mechanism.

 

 

Eventually, this person started getting what he wanted and stopped treating her the way she imagined the perfect man he used to project himself to be. She started to realize this after the 4th encounter, but kept going along, looking for another job and for ways in which to end the relationship.

 

The problems we now suffer are many. Truthfully, I don't think I could ever forgive her, because fidelity in a marriage is a core value and is part of my identity and who I am. However, I have been trying everyday, since she told me about this, 8 months ago. To understand my own true self, I have started some yoga and meditation, but it only helps to a certain degree (while I do the activity) and then I'm back in the emotionally strong and debilitating feelings. There are many hours in the day when I can't stop crying and the racing thoughts keep coming again, everyday. I suffer from body pain and trembling, probably because I still may be in the first phase of shock about what has happened, and it has been 8 months.

 

She is suffering too, but her emotions mean more to her than what I'm going through, so she finds it hard to try more intimate things that I feel I need to get over the PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) images and extreme pain.

 

What does this mean? What "intimate things" that you feel you need? And, of course, her emotions mean more to her than what you're going through. Why would this be a surprise or wrong? They're her emotions. Do you mean that you don't feel she's aware and supportive of what you're suffering? Lack of empathy is obviously something else in common with WSs. How else could they have an affair?

 

 

Has any husband of a similar personality as me been through such an affair by the wife? What did you do to recover?

 

I desperately need help, as I have been trying everything..... Visits to the psychologist, joint visits to a marriage counselor, a lot of reading, yoga, meditation, but nothing has completely healed me. Is it just a matter of time for the healing to completely happen? Is 8 months too early? How long may it take to heal, assuming I am able to eventually heal? 8 months is still early. Some say 3-5 years but there's no rule.

 

I'm quite an analytical person, who questions things by nature. I have very high standards of moral values and integrity and am also very honest to myself and others. I'm a realist, grounded to earth and to me, things are what they are, but I understand that perspective comes into play as well.

In my mind, I still know that inspite of all circumstances, it was a choice that she made to go into this affair and I can never justify such an immoral act and the worst possible betrayal of trust. Thats just me. I feel that I could never live myself if I willfully destroyed this one most important belief, which is the core of my identity. Yes, this is often the case - that the faithful spouse has a strong natural aversion to the idea of cheating..

Edited by merrmeade
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Betrayed&Stayed

I wouldn't believe her version of events. Sounds like she made herself out to be the victim. Of course, as a BS you want to believe this version. Who wants to envision their wife hitting on the boss, and eagerly having sex with him? You have to be open to the possibility that she was more willing to enter this affair than she is letting on. What if she seduced him, and now she is twisting the story around to make him the bad guy?

 

So it's been 8 months since D-day. Has she owned her part of the affair? Is she still playing the victim to the "sociopath" boss? Why did she have a 4-month long affair with her boss? (BTW - it was probably longer than 4 months, and more than 9 sexual encounters)

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Given your personality type, which I completely understand, consider the following:

 

First, its not her decision to reconcile and your decision is not based on her expressed willingness to reconcile. That is going to be a scary place to be because now it forces you to decide a course of action.

 

Secondly, not deciding to R or D is acceptable. It really could be a deal beaker. Explore that. Explore that just as thoroughly as you would R or D. See, if you decide to D and it was not a deal breaker then you are just going to do a whole bunch of posturing and drag it out and half ass it. OTOH, if you decide to R and it was a deal breaker, you are going to be miserable. IF it was not a deal breaker and you decide to R, you are still going to suffer. My point is that the suffering that you will endure must have a purpose. Suffering and trying to D or R is worth it as long as the destination (D or R) is what you want.

 

Third, stop with the minimizing her misconduct. Your wife was not some naive, raised in a convent, never exposed to the world girl who was swept off her feet by some charming Lothario. She carried on a fairly intense and clearly sexual affair under your nose. How could she hide that? Easy, it was in her character. Innocent people make bad liars. She knew what was up. Period. He came on to her, or she came on to him, or they mutually flirted. The point is, did you sneak up on your wife and trick her into marrying you? Is she simple minded? If you didn't sneak in, neither did he.

 

Its gonna suck for a while. No getting around that. I have known lots of couples affected by infidelity and the only ones that I personally know that are truly happy ended up divorcing. I know others who have reconciled too, but they all seem like they are glad to have the continuity of a relationship, but they realize that they settled and what they have is not really worth what it cost them to keep. Sort of like finding maggots in your food after a few bites and deciding to keep eating because you figure you've already eaten some and you will just be careful to remove any more that you find.

 

Lastly, there is no getting around the crappiness of the whole process. No matter what you do, its gotta work for you. You will be told to divorce her, told to check up on her, polygraph her, VAR her, etc. You do whatever it takes to get you thru the night. Thereafter, do what YOU want not what anyone tells you. If you feel like it was a deal breaker and goes against your own convictions, I can tell you that it was most likely a deal breaker and if you continue, you will betray yourself and that is soul killing. "To thine own self be true" is a true adage. Having your wife betray you is heartbreaking, betraying yourself too? Your heart will condemn you.

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2.50 a gallon

NS

My views of infidelity was similar to yours. I caught my Ex cheating after 6 months of marriage, so unlike you with a long history and two kids, for me there was no option, the marriage was over. It hurt like hell, and though I still loved her and she wanted to reconcile, there was no way I could ever totally trust her again.

As for sex, the mind movies really screwed me up for a good year. I was basically impotent when it came to single women.

Married women had always been taboo, but after catching my Ex cheating the rules that I had lived by no longer applied. I slipped over to the dark side and had sex with lots of married women.

The sad thing is that I found married woman to be easy. And to be honest I used the exact same play book as your wife's OM used.

Has the OM been exposed to the work force, he is a sexual predator and will continue to use his position to prey on other married women.

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Naively.Sensitive,

 

Sorry for this pain.

 

In order for reconciliation to work your wife must "own" her behavor. From what you wrote, she is still keeping things from you and blame shifting. Until, and unless, she comes clean and starting putting you first in all this, I do not think reconciliation will work for you. At this time she is in defense mode, and soon will be using the "why can't you just get over it and forget it" mode. This will not work. Please have her read and you read the top post in this thread.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

Discuss it, measure her by it, and work on talking to each other. This is hard work. In my opinion harder then just leaving her and divorcing. You are the injured party, and she need to show and by her actions, have complete remorse. On LS, you will have some that will advise divorce, read their arguments, keep a open mind, but at some point you will need to go all in to reconcile, if it is to work. In other words, the affair, will not be why you divorce, it must be other things. Bottom line, at this point your wife is not holding up her part of the puzzle for this. She may not know what she needs to do, may be too self centered to, or just not care. You need to talk to her and find out.

 

For you, you will never forget. You may "forgive" her, but some pain and anger will always remain. You will need to try and find a way to channel this in a way that let you both live and love another again.

 

I wish you luck

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NS

 

I too agree the her choice to have an affair just might be your deal breaker.

 

She made that choice willingly. Did she get played? Absolutely.

 

Did she let herself get played? Absolutely.

 

What have you done to ensure the affair is over?

 

What have you done to inform the OMW about the affair?

 

I do think if you act positively to ensure the affair has been killed ( you consciously making the decision to step away from her infidelity) you will get a clearer picture on the direction you need to head in.

 

HM

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If you want to feel better, I would advice some actions. The problem now that you are passively trying to make the pain go away, But it will take a lot of time. You can speed the process by actual actions. It almost doesn't matter which actions, as long as you are being active. For example:

 

Tell your wife that you've tried for 8 month and you just can't go on like that. So ask her is she willing to support you and do what ever it takes to help you heal. If she says NO, you got your answer if you should stay or not. If she agrees:

 

1. Expose the affair. Tell the boss's wife and friends. Did she quit her job? Of course she must quit immediately.

 

2. Go to a lawyer, and ask him how can you sue the boss. It's not ethical, and in some areas it's illegal to have sex with your direct employee, so you can go to the police and file a complaint. You can also start a lawsuit process. It will annoy him a great deal, no matter the result of the trial. Your wife must tell the judge exactly how did he seduce her.

 

3. Move to another place (If you can).

 

What I'm saying is you should gain some control, and initiate things. The atmosphere of dynamic changes, will certainly make you feel better.

Edited by lolablue17
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Mr Mind of Shazam

Pal,

 

Honestly, it sounds like she isn't taking responsibility for her actions.

 

She places the blame almost entirely on this guy and characterizes herself as the victim. She hasn't been entirely forthright and continues to reveal more details.

 

There's probably a lot more to reveal here.

 

Did you ask her why she came forward? What forced her hand?

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Have you both been tested for STD's?

She seemed to not have cared putting your health at risk for STD's.

They were probably times that she was with you after she had been with the boss.

 

The bottom line is that you have made it clear to us and I am sure to your wife in the past that an affair is a deal breaker to you and she did it anyway so what does that tell you?

 

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

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She was seduced by her boss at work, who systematically targeted her. He is a person (acquaintance) known to us and he specifically reserves a position at the company he works at, to hire female employees, so that he can use them. He is a sociopath. i.e. a person who uses people for his benefit, without feeling any empathy about it.

 

He complimented her looks on a daily basis, encouraged her to join the gymn and improve her figure, gaslighted her, invoked her feelings of sympathy for him, telling her a sob story about his wife not treating him well, confessed his own attraction towards her, provoked her by telling her that 60% of America has affairs and that she deserves to be happy and not be a slave.

He had probed our private life to find out about everything that was wrong with our marriage and then used that against her. Things like arguments we used to have about money, the stress in our lives related to our jobs, lack of consistent intimacy between us (We used to spend time together, but not consistently or regularly)

He seduced her and she willfully went into the affair, which lasted for about 4 months. I had no idea ofcourse and had fully trusted her and she betrayed my trust in the worst possible manner.

 

Couldn't be more slanted had she written this herself, down to the use of "seduced". How do you know she didn't allow him to chase her until she wanted to be caught?

 

She is suffering too, but her emotions mean more to her than what I'm going through

 

Nothing you've written indicates she's accepted responsibility for what she's done. And given that, how could you trust it wouldn't happen again? What happens when the next guy with a convincing line and persuasive skills comes along?

 

With kids involved, I'm a big believer in trying to work things out. But your WW's sense of entitlement, lack of accountability and reluctance to do the heavy lifting and hard work of recovery doesn't bode well.

 

I'm sorry for what's happened but plan accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

I'm suffering from a sexual affair my wife had, since the last 8 months, so I can understand your pain. In my wife's case she confessed to me, but later started blaming the state of our relationship for what had happened. I'm currently high and dry and am dealing with my own extreme pain, without enough support from her.

I have been trying some solutions, which have only partly been working for me.

1) I have been exploring my true spiritual identity and have come to realize that my happiness actually lives within me. I have to find it and its not so easy, but its possible. I have stopped making my wife the center of my life and have been trying to reduce my emotional dependence on her.

2) I decided to seek out a few other women friends (nothing sexual or even emotionally intimate), to be able to feel how other human beings can also make me feel loved, in perfectly healthy ways.

3) I have decided to let me wife be on her own (She moved out of our bedroom about 4 months ago), and have decided that I'm okay with any outcome (whether we eventually continue together or we divorce). I have also not patronized her in any way and am open to another relationship (if I find a more compatible person to be with, there is no reason why I need to continue with her). Essentially, I have recognized that I don't have to force my feelings for her and if I want to compare her to other women (previously I never did that), I can honestly cater to my own preferences. I have given up on my "old" and outdated fantasy of a disney movie romantic love. I have adopted a very practical view of life and I now value myself enough to know my own value, to the right person.

 

Wishing you plenty of strength, and courage. Also, love yourself in the way that you should.

I know this is all easier said than done, because I struggle and suffer everyday, in a lot of pain. Keep your hope alive that things will get better, one way or another. If your pain gets too severe, you will actually take some action. If your pain subsides, then perhaps whatever is happening is not as bad as it seems. Either way, life has constant change and nothing is permanent, even pain, but you should keep your heart open to whatever the outcome may be. Don't try to force a particular outcome, as it will only bring you more pain.

 

 

Love and Good Wishes.

 

Seems you posted this on another thread. Looks to me like its over. Don't stress yourself. Slow down on any other relationships, that is a recipe for disaster.

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Your story reminds me so much of my story -- how I first laid out my thinking about what happened and why it happened, and reading back through it now, I was blaming myself for so much and my husband was so obviously not accepting full responsibility.

 

You've got kids, and that matters. I went and saw a friend's uncle, who is an accomplished divorce attorney, and he walked me through the legalese of settlement documents based on the laws in the state we live in, etc. We discussed post nuptual agreements, and basically walked through every course of legal action for me to consider. At the end, he looked at me with a sad expression and said "look -- I'm really sorry this happened -- but if ___ is apologetic, you feel like it's unlikely to happen again, etc., then my big question for you is do you want to see your son every day and thus give it a try, or is this infidelity just a dealbreaker for you?" For me, not seeing our son was the dealbreaker, but knowing everything legally really gave me a different view than I'd had previously.

 

It made me stronger in my interactions with my husband even though it essentially made me realize that I could not just walk away without trying because of our son. It really sucked -- I was going to be the big loser any way I looked at it -- I didn't have the affair, but I could be the one to rip our family apart and walk away...what kind of BS is that? I was so ANGRY with that realization. SO ANGRY. And it really made me stronger to force my husband to realize that he needed to really start owning everything if we were going to have a shot at moving forward. And he did that. And it's been really tough since...but we both are continuing to fight. I agree with the ideas to get away too -- we went away with our son a few times in the couple of really painful months after the truth. It helped me to start healing. Helped me to see my husband with our son, see my son with both of us, see my husband with pain in his eyes reflecting the pain he could see in my eyes, etc.

 

But every situation is so completely different. What works for someone may not work for you. You just have to navigate through each day and figure out what you want and need.

 

I read a ton of books. Everything I could get my hands on about affairs, relationships, etc. That helped me out.

 

The sad part of all of this is that whatever you decide, you will live with this on a daily or near daily basis for a long time, if not forever. And it really hurts to know that the person who was never supposed to hurt you, has in fact caused irreperable damage. Your ability to manage that awfulness goes a long way into whether reconciling or divorcing makes more sense. If you just can't deal with it, don't. If you aren't sure if you can, give it your best effort and if you need to walk at some point, you walk. Or maybe through that best effort you realize it's all worth fighting for.

 

In the ultimate irony of how your path is going to be different from your wife's path...we are now about 3 years removed from me finding out the truth about an affair with a mutual friend (and serial OW) 5 years ago. The other day we were coming home from date night and I mentioned the OW's first name. After a pause, my H said with a bit of sadness -- "I can't even remember her last name right now". To be fair, he's got the memory of a pea, which is a source of many jokes/fights between us. But I could've told you her full name, phone number, address, education history, job details and a thousand other things because I live with her shadow...but that's generally just not how it works for the person that had the affair. They can really just move on. Forget. And it is so f'ing unfair.

 

My heart breaks to know that you're going through this...but you will find a great support network on this site, with a lot of incredibly caring people. Whether you agree with advice or not, this site will help you to think about everything from a number of different angles. It sounds like you're the type of person that will appreciate that, so keep posting if you have thoughts, want feedback, need to vent, etc.

Edited by StormySeas
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Naively.Sensitive

Thanks for your message. I had exposed the affair to this person's wife by sending her a message. I'm not sure if she saw my message, but have reason to believe that she was already aware of her husband's predatory nature, as he has probably slept with other women.

In any case, this does not help my situation.

 

I am in extreme pain most of the time, and am barely able to live my life. My job performance is not as good and I'm often afraid of being fired. My body trembles and my stomach hurts every morning. Upto 5 years to recover from something like this makes me tremble in anxiety, as the suffering is overwhelming and every new day seems to be a challenge to get through.

 

Even though men are presumed to be emotionally stronger, it seems like our roles are reversed. I'm the one crying everyday and in terrible pain and my wife seems to be getting along with her life.

 

I went with her to a clinic and her tests for STDs were negative. I have also consulted with a lawyer and continue to get my legal questions answered on another forum.

 

My wife consulted a psychologist to evaluate why she let herself have this affair. The psychologist (probably in an effort to just comfort her and make her feel better), told her that this happened because the state of our relationship wasn't good enough, that she had simply been taken advantage of (stockholm syndrome) and that she should not feel too guilty because this "happens" to many women in America. There did not seem to be any component of responsibility for her actions or willful choice in what the psychologist told her.

 

She did quit her job, but probably because the affair did not work out with this man and she was dissatisfied with him and probably realized that he was taking advantage of her.

She says she is apologetic very occasionally, but her actions don't reflect what she says because she moved out of the bedroom over 4 months ago and I mostly live alone in the bedroom, while she lives in another bedroom. On most days I'm in terrible pain and all alone. Sometimes, if she feels like it (based on her own feelings, not based on what I need to heal), she stops by in my room to see how I'm doing, but does not express any physical or verbal love or remorse to me. She gets upset when I point out that I'm not getting the love and remorse I need to be able to get past this. Its the worst pain and trauma I have experienced in my entire life and the woman whom I loved for 15 years is not even really there to comfort me in my pain for the situation that she caused.

 

I don't know how I will get through so many years (4 or 5 years?) of so much pain and suffering? I don't see myself surviving even 1 more year of such extreme pain.

 

I might have to get onto some medication and I'm considering seeing a mental health doctor. Other than that, does anyone have any other ideas on how I can recover and make the pain go away permanently? I have tried almost everything, including meditation, yoga, reading, exercise, spiritual practice, talking to some friends for comfort, etc. but nothing works completely. Everything only gives very little and short lived relief.

 

Sometimes, I feel that if I just get very long, constant hugs, every 30 minutes of the day, I can get through my life that way, but how is that possible? Where can I find such a loving person and practically be able to do this in a workplace?

 

Any other ideas please to stop the pain? I get desperate at times.

 

This may not be what you want to hear but some can not overcome infidelity. You may be angry at the other man for his actions but in reality he only takes what is put on the table, in other words, they had sex because she allowed it. Have you exposed the affair to his wife or girlfriend? If you haven't do so immediately, don't tell your wife that you are doing this but do it. It takes up to 5 years to overcome the effects of infidelity with a lot of independent counselling. Some of us never get over the imbalance. Have you made her get tested for all STD's, please do so. Regardless of the outcome of your relationship, you should talk to a lawyer so you understand your rights as a husband and a father. She needs professional help to understand why she gave herself the approval to have an affair, do not sweep this under the rug. The only way through this is to go through it.

 

They need to be absolutely no contact even if that means quitting her job. Do not beat yourself up if you find that you can't get over her infidelity. The reason you are having trouble dealing with it is because your heart is in conflict with your mind and that will continue until one overrides the other. Do not stay in the marriage because of your children, that is staying for the wrong reason. The decision to cheat was her conscious decision, other man didn't force himself on her. You did nothing to cause this to happen, the guilt is all hers, she owns the choice 100%. Sorry for your pain. Do what is best for you.

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Couldn't be more slanted had she written this herself, down to the use of "seduced". How do you know she didn't allow him to chase her until she wanted to be caught?

 

 

 

Nothing you've written indicates she's accepted responsibility for what she's done. And given that, how could you trust it wouldn't happen again? What happens when the next guy with a convincing line and persuasive skills comes along?

 

With kids involved, I'm a big believer in trying to work things out. But your WW's sense of entitlement, lack of accountability and reluctance to do the heavy lifting and hard work of recovery doesn't bode well.

 

I'm sorry for what's happened but plan accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I absolutely agree with this.

 

OP, it might very well be that you're just one of those people who can't get over infidelity, but any effort you might want to make needs to lean on some more digging for the truth and a more balanced assessment of what happened, IMO.

 

The OM might have been a predator and a PUA, some are actually quite good at it, but your wife is not a naive teenager, so she must own her actions and choices.

 

The problem I have with stories where the AP turns out to be a douchebag and the WS comes back crying and asking for forgiveness is that the logical question becomes: What would have happened if the AP was NOT an @sshole? Is it remorse or plain switching to plan B?

 

If you wish to try and work on things, the first thing you need to find out is if there was any additional reason behind your wife's confession, IMO...

 

- Has there been any exposure to the OMW?

- Is she transparent with her devices and her whereabouts?

- Has she quit that job?

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I saw your new post after I posted mine, and saw you answered most of my questions.

 

Well, OP, your wife is not remorseful one iota, it sounds like she just feels she was entitled to the affair.

 

The blame is on the OM, who seduced her, and on you, because the relationship wasn't good enough. She doesn't have any responsibilty or guilt, in her opinion.

 

Frankly, I think there's nothing to work on here, you should just divorce and move on, IMO (or maybe actually getting the papers might finally move something in her...)

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Dear Naively Sensitive,

 

You will experience pain for quite some time. You need to watch yourself, eat well and start working out. It helped me a great deal.

 

As for things to do.....

 

In your case, it could not be anymore clearer that you should divorce your wife and be your own man.

 

She moved out of the bedroom? She does not even pay attention to you?

 

You are suffering and your wife (the cause of this suffering) is not trying to make you feel better. She is in her own world.

 

Every infidelity case is different and some people might try to reconcile but in your case a divorce is imminent.

 

Focus on yourself and to put it bluntly, forget about your wife as someone who you want to spend your life with.

 

Be civil for the sake of your kids, but start the divorce proceedings.

 

I truly believe this is the best advice I can give you in your case. Divorce, move on and eventually you will find someone far more loving than your wife.

 

Btw, did you expose the affair to your own family. Your family can be a great form of support to you.

 

Focus on your health and keep your head up!!!!!!!!!

 

Things will get better!!

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I'm so sorry for you.

 

From what you describe here the marriage is over. You are in a deep pain because you don't admit it. She's fine with her life because you didn't hurt her. She had some thrill with her boss while hurting you, got a free exemption from her therapist who said it's not her fault, so why wouldn't she be Ok?

 

There is one reason she could have been unhappy. If she loved you and care for you, she would have felt terrible for the pain she put you through. But apparently she doesn't love you so much.

 

The marriage is over. If you end it officially, you might feel a lot better.

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The marriage is over. If you end it officially, you might feel a lot better.

 

I had the same thought. Much of your anxiety is based on the uncertain future you face and filing is a way to begin charting a path. Even divorce wouldn't prevent a future reconciliation if your WW came to her senses but you need to begin planning your own post-affair life.

 

Other people have made (sh*tty) choices for you, 8 months out is time for you to start making some healthy choices for yourself...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I had the same thought. Much of your anxiety is based on the uncertain future you face and filing is a way to begin charting a path. Even divorce wouldn't prevent a future reconciliation if your WW came to her senses but you need to begin planning your own post-affair life.

 

Other people have made (sh*tty) choices for you, 8 months out is time for you to start making some healthy choices for yourself...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I addition to that, the fact that she never took responsibility, got an innocent ticket from her therapist, and moved on, had left him alone deep in the ocean. She did wrong, and managed to get away with it. It is so unfair, so no wonder he feels like that.

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Naively.Sensitive

I look back on the 15 years and we have had some really good times too. I could not even imagine she was even capable of something like this considering the good times (and the decent life, among some normal fights and disagreements) we have had.

 

Sometimes, I feel that I'm capable of forgiving her, but only if she shows true remorse, an incredible effort to help me heal (almost like a nurse would make towards a mental patient), and realizes how much pain and suffering she has caused by her actions.

She says that she finds it hard to come to me because she is afraid of me and when I feel pain and/or anger, she finds it hard to be with me.

I told her that its normal for any human being to experience pain and anger at some times. I told her that I'm not superhuman. To that she also justifies that its normal for a human being to not be able to be near someone who feels disgust for them (at times). It seems like we're stuck in a deadlock because we are not able to provide each other with what we need.

 

I also doubt that she is being honest..... Would not the guilt of doing something so sinful and causing so much pain far exceed the feelings of feeling repulsed by the betrayed spouse? If I were in her place, I would be so ashamed of myself and in so much guilt that I would be willing to do anything to help my spouse recover from pain..... Sit all night outside her door until she opens it, hug her often, have sex with her in ways she chose (to make her forget the hurtful images of the other person), and generally really help nurse her to full recovery. I would do anything legal and moral... Anything. Instead, what I get from her is a half hearted effort, her own proof of her hanging on to her own emotions in preference to the pain I'm going through and he apparent selfishness on catering to her own emotions and needs. Isn't that what caused the affair to begin with? Her own selfishness of catering to her own emotional needs to such a large degree that she forgot even her basic sense of morality, abandoned me and gave in to her own needs or wants? Isn't she doing the same thing all over again but in the context of abandoning me again in my own pain and not making the efforts that she should be to truly reconcile?

Am I supposed to be doing the major heavy lifting and make all the efforts, just because I'm a man? At this point, I'm hardly strong enough for anything. I'm by the railroad tracks, bleeding profusely, after being hit by a train and I'm like a child, crying in desperation, like a mental patient, tortured by the trauma and all she can think of is how it makes her feel to be near me when I feel repulsed by her actions?

 

Can someone throw some light on what I may be missing here? Is there something I'm not understanding about this disparity in how I think it would be normal for her to feel and how she is actually feeling or acting?

 

We have already spent about 4 months of time apart (emotionally) from each other, (of her choosing). We already tried weekend family activities. Next week we are going to be traveling on a 8 day vacation to a beach destination. Ok, thats all fine, but is it really going to resolve things? Are we just not escaping the real problems to tackle?

What would happen after this 8 day vacation? I'm fairly certain we're going to be back into our own emotional and mental states unless we address what we really need from each other to be able to heal. The thoughts will go back to the relationship and how she is not there for me, emotionally and sexually in my greatest time of need.

 

If your wife cheated on you "only" after 15 years, after being manipulated by this guy, maybe at a time where the routine of your marriage made both of you numb toward each other, there is room for forgiveness in my opinion, because it's a trap everyone falls in at some point.

 

I would try for weekends get away with my wife, doing fun activities together, instead of "therapy". If you can "click" again, then by all means, save your marriage; if your anger and her guilt overwhelms the possibility of rekindling the relationships however, it will be time to end it.

 

I think after a betrayal, both parties need some time appart to cool down if they honestly want to remain with each other, but its not easy to arrange for that when you have children.

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You are so right! every word you say should be typed and be hung on your wall to remember.

 

So, if she doesn't do any of what she should have done, What do you get from that? It's over. I would have canceled the 8 days vacation, and save the money to a divorce attorney. Stop being so passive and weak, and start being a man. Let her be someone else's problem.

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