mattwr Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 I discovered about 2 1/2 months ago that my wife had an affair and a one-night stand (two different people). She opened up about her emotional affair that took place on and off over about 1 1/2 years but maintained that nothing physical ever happened between the two of them. However, I remain unconvinced given some emails I had seen that strongly indicated that they were sleeping together. I just came across an old cell phone of hers that she used while the affair was taking place. In the interest of trying to rebuild our trust and repair our marriage, I had promised her that I would not read emails, texts, etc of hers. However, I really want to see if there is anything on this phone that can support or refute her claim that there was nothing physical in their relationship, only a very strong emotional bond. (She has admitted that she considered leaving me for him.) So what do I do? I see two options: 1) I tell her that I found this phone while cleaning up at home and in the interest of helping me rebuild my trust in her I'd like to look at the phone for texts/emails between her and the affair partner as well as her close girlfriend she confided in. Give her the option to be with me as I look at the phone if she wants. If there is damning evidence in there it gives her the ability to come clean before I find out. 2) Go ahead and look myself and see what I see. If there is damning evidence refuting her claim, then present that to her. If there isn't, then I can take this to support her claim and not even bring the phone up. Advice??? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Unless there is a real possibility of finding a gold brick inside that phone, absolutely nothing good can come of it. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 In order to gain clarity and truth of what she's told you, yes - I vote for looking. Keep in mind she may have deleted items. She should be transparent at this point and willing to offer up any and all info/evidence of what is REAL. You have every right to verify her truth. Don't "promise" anything to the liar and cheater! I'd tell her your prior agreement is null and void - you have a right to seek her truth. It became that way when she broke her vow to you. Yes - take a look! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mattwr Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 thanks. that is what I am leaning towards. She stopped using this phone about 10 months ago when she upgraded so about 7-8 months before I found out about her affair. So I'm pretty confident that any damning evidence has not been deleted. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Well, first off - of course she's cheated physically. No guy wastes his time on an affair for that long unless there's something in it for himself. Second -- divorce her. The way you say she treats you is beyond unacceptable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 In the interest of trying to rebuild our trust and repair our marriage, I had promised her that I would not read emails, texts, etc of hers. You've got it exactly backwards. When your partner has an affair, either emotional or physical, you don't rebuild trust by not looking. They rebuild trust by being transparent and showing. Look all you want... Mr. Lucky 8 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Wait, she cheated and your worried about her trusting you? How does that work? Secondly, she is giving you nothing. Of course she slept with this guy, and year and a half. Lastly, there is nothing to save because she is still involved, thus her desire to not be transparent with you about her communications. She is gaslighting the F out of you. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Was there a physical distance that made an EA impossible or very difficult? Try this...before you look. Tell here you are still doubting it was an EA and ask again that she's honest. Tell her that if you find out this was a PA you'll divorce her, so this is her last chance. Make it seem like you have some info she doesn't know about. Then, if she says it's an EA, go ahead and look at the phone. But.....if it was a PA would you still want to reconcile? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mattwr Posted August 12, 2015 Author Share Posted August 12, 2015 I went ahead and looked at the phone. Just more of what I already knew. Some very suggestive emails. A text stating to a friend stating "good sex isn't enough" texts with the other guy trying to make plans to "play." Nothing to clearly indicate that there wasn't something physical going on, but nothing that provides 100% certainty like a text saying "thanks for the great sex last night." Link to post Share on other sites
kenmore Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Don't look, assume the worst. You said in your OP that she also had a one night stand (a separate person) then glossed that off like it never happened and got all worried about the long-term EA that she "never got physical with." What difference does it make if she never got physical with dude A when she had a ONS with dude B? Plus she told you she was thinking of leaving you for dude A? Suppose everything was perfect, You open the phone and read some "proof" that she never slept with him, how will you feel going forward knowing she may just leave you for dude C, D or X someday? How will you feel about the ONS? Is that what you really want from your marriage? Aside from all that, I have to agree with the other posters who say why are you making promises to her about not invading her privacy when she was the one who damaged the marriage? Why are you walking on eggshells? Good luck, I sincerely mean that but at the same time, protect yourself. It will never be pretty again. Ken 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kenmore Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 ...and welcome here! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NewBeginning72 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 How long did it take to re-charge the old phone? It may just open some wounds. .. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kenmore Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Also welcome newbeginning72! Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I went ahead and looked at the phone. Just more of what I already knew. Some very suggestive emails. A text stating to a friend stating "good sex isn't enough" texts with the other guy trying to make plans to "play." Nothing to clearly indicate that there wasn't something physical going on, but nothing that provides 100% certainty like a text saying "thanks for the great sex last night." Most people would never text something so obvious as you stated. For what it's worth - over the years I've texted many men in my life that code. "Play" meant sex. I would text come out and play with me = it meant I wanted sex now. Link to post Share on other sites
i am gutted Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I went ahead and looked at the phone. Just more of what I already knew. Some very suggestive emails. A text stating to a friend stating "good sex isn't enough" texts with the other guy trying to make plans to "play." Nothing to clearly indicate that there wasn't something physical going on, but nothing that provides 100% certainty like a text saying "thanks for the great sex last night." Am sorry that you had to do it but I understand completely why you wanted to....you needed to know for sure. its gut wrenching..... Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I went ahead and looked at the phone. Just more of what I already knew. Some very suggestive emails. A text stating to a friend stating "good sex isn't enough" texts with the other guy trying to make plans to "play." Nothing to clearly indicate that there wasn't something physical going on, but nothing that provides 100% certainty like a text saying "thanks for the great sex last night." "Good sex isn't enough " I read that in two different ways. 1) good sex with YOU isn't enough to make her/keep her happy 2) good sex with the OM isn't enough for her to leave you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 (edited) A text stating to a friend stating "good sex isn't enough" texts with the other guy trying to make plans to "play." If you believe those texts aren't solid proof of a physical affair, then I have a bridge to sell you. Come on man, open your eyes and smell the coffee. These texts clearly indicate that a physical affair was in progress. What did you think they were going to "play? Monopoly or Cluedo? No, I would bet my bottom dollar it's that classic game Hide The Sausage. You've got it exactly backwards. When your partner has an affair, either emotional or physical, you don't rebuild trust by not looking. They rebuild trust by being transparent and showing. Exactly. Your logic is completely screwed up dude. Trust is not given, it is earned. You rebuild trust by verifying that her words match her actions. When you are sure she's been honest for a time then maybe you can give her some of her privacy back, a bit at a time. But in the initial phases of affair recovery, no way. You need ot be 100% sure that she's being totally honest with you and the only way to do that is with complete transparency. As for your next move, show her the old phone and tell her that you read all the messages on it (but don't tell her what they said - just say "you know what they said, you wrote them"). If she *****s a brick (which I very much suspect she will), then you know she hasn't told you the full story. Edited August 12, 2015 by PegNosePete 4 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I cannot understand how after your wife had cheated 2 times, you agreed to rebuild trust by "never snooping after her"?! It's as if for example, an employee is stealing money more than one from the company he works for, and after being caught, his boss will agree to never look for evidence against the employee, as a rebuild of trust! HA HA HA HA HA!!HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! She broke your trust. What you should demand is full transparency! This is how you rebuild trust. About her cheating. When and How did you find out about the one night stand? Did she tell you voluntarily? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 (edited) mattwr: forget about the phone and the "evidence" for a minute. you have a much bigger problem. like everyone here said, you are doing wrong and the fact that you are still insecure and looking for evidence is a proof that you didn't get over it you just hid you head into the sand. don't get me wrong, I'm one of those who believe that infidelity is not necessary a deal breaker and people can Reconcile and move on. but, there is a define path to R and that path never includes the WS demanding the BS to never ask for the truth. it is actually the other way around she should be the one willing to open every page and be honest. you did it wrong and you won't succeed, you have to tell her and confront her. be smart about it do not go straight to the attack, just be honest about your insecurity and what you found out. show her the WW guide that's in this site print out for her have her read it, then ask for absolute truth if you both want this R to go on. the way you are doing it will not work you will always be insecure and end up destroying this R somehow. I'm not suggesting that you should end it I'm just saying do it right Edited August 12, 2015 by qubist Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 don't get me wrong, I'm one of those who believe that infidelity is not necessary a deal breaker and people can Reconcile and move on. Infidelity may not be a deal breaker. Multiple infidelities should be. Whether you spouse can't be faithful or just doesn't want to be, the net effect to the BS is the same. Believe it or not mattwr, there's a world out there without pain, doubt, insecurity and deception. Time to go find it... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Infidelity may not be a deal breaker. Multiple infidelities should be. Whether you spouse can't be faithful or just doesn't want to be, the net effect to the BS is the same. Believe it or not mattwr, there's a world out there without pain, doubt, insecurity and deception. Time to go find it... Mr. Lucky Mr.Lucky: when I said " Infidelity is not necessary" a deal breaker I wasn't talking about his case. I just wanted to make a point that the fact that I taught he was doing R wrong has nothing to do with my stand on R after an infidelity 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 Understood and I think we're saying the same thing. Not much left to save in the OP's marriage and not much cooperation from his WS in trying to save it... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mattwr Posted October 13, 2015 Author Share Posted October 13, 2015 My wife has confessed to an emotional affair after I read some compromising emails. She admits that she cheated on me and admits that at times she wanted to leave me for this other man. And while she admits that she wanted very much to sleep with him at many times, she insists that there was nothing physical between them and that the sexual emails between them were nothing more. I want to believe her, but have a hard time. The one email I keep going back to is between her and a very close friend discussing her plans to try to have "extracurricular activities" that night. In the email she says that it is outside her personality to be the "bad girl" and do "something like this" which tells me she hadn't slept with him yet. But then she talks about that she can't believe she's in "this situation again" which she says is referring to the very strong feelings she had for him. In that email she also says she realizes that she isn't thinking through "all the possible outcomes" which also tells me she hasn't slept with him yet at that point, but then again maybe she is thinking through other issues. I've also seen texts such as one where she asked if he wanted to have a "personal intimate" get together one night instead of going to a work function and I know from seeing texts with her friend on that day in question that she did not. But does that mean that she never had? Or just didn't on that night? Another text with her friend where she is talking about this guy blowing her off and she says "he's a jerk. Lesson learned, good sex isn't enough." Which I take to mean that the good sex she is having with him isn't enough... when I asked about that she claimed that she was talking about the good sex she hoped to have. I can ask her all the times I want and keep getting the same answers. How do I know?? I'm still under the impression that she did sleep with him and am trying to move ahead with her as such, but obviously want there to be honesty moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwatching Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 I must admit it doesn't sound great - the bit that keeps coming back to me is that she 'can't believe she's in this situation again' which would indicate to me that this isn't the first time that this has happened. Also the 'good sex isn't enough' would also indicate that she's been there to know what she's giving up on. I wouldn't believe her, I must admit.. it just doesn't make sense in context. This is just my opinion but to me I would agree from what you've written that your gut is right. What's led up to this point for you guys? Does she know why she cheated? The over-riding factor in most affairs is that it's emotional needs that arent being met that is the main factor in people having affairs. People go for affairs because of the way that they make them feel, what is it that your wife wants to feel that motivates her to seek an affair? This will give you a good indicator of whether this can be fixed or not. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 My wife has confessed to an emotional affair after I read some compromising emails. She admits that she cheated on me and admits that at times she wanted to leave me for this other man. And while she admits that she wanted very much to sleep with him at many times, she insists that there was nothing physical between them and that the sexual emails between them were nothing more. I want to believe her, but have a hard time. The one email I keep going back to is between her and a very close friend discussing her plans to try to have "extracurricular activities" that night. In the email she says that it is outside her personality to be the "bad girl" and do "something like this" which tells me she hadn't slept with him yet. But then she talks about that she can't believe she's in "this situation again" which she says is referring to the very strong feelings she had for him. In that email she also says she realizes that she isn't thinking through "all the possible outcomes" which also tells me she hasn't slept with him yet at that point, but then again maybe she is thinking through other issues. I've also seen texts such as one where she asked if he wanted to have a "personal intimate" get together one night instead of going to a work function and I know from seeing texts with her friend on that day in question that she did not. But does that mean that she never had? Or just didn't on that night? Another text with her friend where she is talking about this guy blowing her off and she says "he's a jerk. Lesson learned, good sex isn't enough." Which I take to mean that the good sex she is having with him isn't enough... when I asked about that she claimed that she was talking about the good sex she hoped to have. I can ask her all the times I want and keep getting the same answers. How do I know?? I'm still under the impression that she did sleep with him and am trying to move ahead with her as such, but obviously want there to be honesty moving forward. You can't move forward if she's not being honest. Sounds like they had sex. Link to post Share on other sites
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