Long term relationship/long term affair with husbands bf

[Abarr8228]

I will try to make this short and sweet.. My husband and I have been together for almost 17 years. 9 of those years we have been married. We got together when we were teenagers and haven't dated anyone other than each other since. My husband best friend of over 14 years and I started an affair about 12 years ago. Our affair became hot and heavy fast. At this time I did not know his gf, now his wife. I had had a few short conversations with her but never hung out with her etc.

 

This affair lasted for over 4 years. I cut it off shortly after my husband and his best friend had a falling out. After a year or so I became pregnant and had our first child. A year or so later my husband and his friend patched things up and became best friends again. When my daughter was about 3 we were hanging out all the time with his friend and his wife... I had became friends with his wife. A couple years later our affair sparked back up. Now we have been back in our affair for nearly 3 years! We hang out multiple times a week and every single weekend. I have became best friends with his wife but that has not stopped us from seeing each other and having an affair. We have been in the affair pretty heavy for the past 3 years. we meet up at least once a week if we can. but hang out every weekend with our spouses and see each other multiple times thru the work week since my husband and him work together starting this past month.

 

Neither of our spouses have any clue whats going on. Although within the past month or two I feel like he is getting some "feelings" for me. we never actually talk about our feelings or situations at home ever. He says he doesn't know what to call us. I tell him to call us "Nothing" it is just "fun" he can call us "fun"!!! although I think he may have some deeper feelings than just a fwb. He is having some marital issues right now but I know he would not leave his wife because of their daughters but it is a very toxic relationship. as far as mine goes things these past few monthshave been better than they ever have. but I still continue to see him. I don't know why. I just can't stop myself... I suspect I have some sort of feelings for him but im not one to talk about or express my feelings much. Im very much guarded and have a wall up at all times.

 

I really don't know why im posting or what kind of feedback im looking for... Maybe some sort of support. I know what isgoing on is not right, so if you have something negative to say about it please keep it to yourself. Im just looking for anyone that's been in a similar situation as me. sorry if this is a novel!!!!

Edited September 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs~T

[Sastrugi]

I will try to make this short and sweet.. My husband and I have been together for almost 17 years. 9 of those years we have been married. We got together when we were teenagers and haven't dated anyone other than each other since. My husband best friend of over 14 years and I started an affair about 12 years ago. Our affair became hot and heavy fast. At this time I did not know his gf, now his wife. I had had a few short conversations with her but never hung out with her etc.

This affair lasted for over 4 years. I cut it off shortly after my husband and his best friend had a falling out. After a year or so I became pregnant and had our first child. A year or so later my husband and his friend patched things up and became best friends again. When my daughter was about 3 we were hanging out all the time with his friend and his wife... I had became friends with his wife. A couple years later our affair sparked back up. Now we have been back in our affair for nearly 3 years! We hang out multiple times a week and every single weekend. I have became best friends with his wife but that has not stopped us from seeing each other and having an affair. We have been in the affair pretty heavy for the past 3 years. we meet up at least once a week if we can. but hang out every weekend with our spouses and see each other multiple times thru the work week since my husband and him work together starting this past month.

Neither of our spouses have any clue whats going on. Although within the past month or two I feel like he is getting some "feelings" for me. we never actually talk about our feelings or situations at home ever. He says he doesn't know what to call us. I tell him to call us "Nothing" it is just "fun" he can call us "fun"!!! although I think he may have some deeper feelings than just a fwb. He is having some marital issues right now but I know he would not leave his wife because of their daughters but it is a very toxic relationship. as far as mine goes things these past few monthshave been better than they ever have. but I still continue to see him. I don't know why. I just can't stop myself... I suspect I have some sort of feelings for him but im not one to talk about or express my feelings much. Im very much guarded and have a wall up at all times.

I really don't know why im posting or what kind of feedback im looking for... Maybe some sort of support. I know what isgoing on is not right, so if you have something negative to say about it please keep it to yourself. Im just looking for anyone that's been in a similar situation as me. sorry if this is a novel!!!!

 

Well I will responds as a mad hatter. I have not been in your shoes exactly, I did have an affair with my SO best friend, but much shorter term .

 

A couple of questions be fore I respond in depth -

 

1. How would you feel if your husband was having affair?

2. Have you thought about what you would do if your AP spouse found out?

3. What would you do if you became pregnant? what if ap was the father?

4. Last question, how do you think your BH would react if he found out about your affair with his best friend?

 

S.

[Threwmyselfintowork]

Wow you should tell your husband no one deserves to be treated like that why even be married I feel sorry for your husband

[Abarr8228]

 

1. How would you feel if your husband was having affair?

2. Have you thought about what you would do if your AP spouse found out?

3. What would you do if you became pregnant? what if ap was the father?

4. Last question, how do you think your BH would react if he found out about your affair with his best friend?

 

S.

 

well

1. I would be very hurt if my husband had an affair, but I really doubt I'd have to worry about that because he's def not the type to do that.

2. If my AP spouse found out it would def rip our friendship to pieces and im sure it would have an affect on their relationship but I don't think they would split because they both have cheated on each other multiple times before and stuck it out.

3. the AP is fixed so I don't have to worry about that.

4. My husband and his best friends friendship I know would be destroyed. He would probably totally lose his mind.

 

 

Im not saying anything I'm doing is the right thing to do, because obviously I know it isn't but sometimes things happen.

Edited September 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added quote~T

[Realist3]

I suspect I have some sort of feelings for him but im not one to talk about or express my feelings much. Im very much guarded and have a wall up at all times.

 

Sounds like you know you have feelings for him, but don't know how to handle it. Did you have a lot of hurt in your childhood?

[Abarr8228]

Sounds like you know you have feelings for him, but don't know how to handle it. Did you have a lot of hurt in your childhood?

 

 

 

I may have some... maybe I don't want to admit it to myself, because your right, I don't know how I would handle it. I had an awesome normal childhood... nothing out of the norm.

[harrybrown]

Why not have your H and the other wife join you?

 

Then you could continue because they would be doing it too. Just let them know and let them in on the fun.

 

Do you have kids with your H?

[jen1447]

Wow ....in all that time and with all that fooling around, no one ever caught on or got suspicious? What's the official reason for your mutual weekly corresponding unavailability to your spouses?

[bigman1]

I'll bite. Why, exactly are you posting? You seem pretty secure in your affair. Your husband is oblivious, probably would not leave, so I am not sure what you are seeking on an infidelity forum. Pardon, my directness, but there are lots of people who like to post "stories" as they say, for "fun".

[Realist3]

I may have some... maybe I don't want to admit it to myself, because your right, I don't know how I would handle it. I had an awesome normal childhood... nothing out of the norm.

 

Is this something you have troubles with just outside of you(relating your emotions to others) or with yourself as well?

[TX-SC]

I'd be really surprised if there are many, if any, people here who are currently in a LTR with their spouse's best friend. So, I seriously doubt you will get much in the way of "Me too!". And, you say you know it is wrong and don't want anyone to tell you that. So, what exactly DO you want?

[Sastrugi]

well

1. I would be very hurt if my husband had an affair, but I really doubt I'd have to worry about that because he's def not the type to do that.

2. If my AP spouse found out it would def rip our friendship to pieces and im sure it would have an affect on their relationship but I don't think they would split because they both have cheated on each other multiple times before and stuck it out.

3. the AP is fixed so I don't have to worry about that.

4. My husband and his best friends friendship I know would be destroyed. He would probably totally lose his mind.

 

 

Im not saying anything I'm doing is the right thing to do, because obviously I know it isn't but sometimes things happen.

 

You do realize how selfish you are acting. It took me years to think beyond myself and only after I became aware of the carnage I had caused not only my SO but my AP. I have deeply hurt two people I really cared about, but was too selfish to realize it at the time. The thing is, you can never undo the hurt. It changes you, it changes your SO, and more times than not for the better.

 

 

Long story short, I think you married to young. You are comfortable with your spouse, you are playing house, but I don't believe you really love him. You love yourself and only yourself. No where in your post do you talk about your husband with any emotion ( love , hate, etc). It almost sounds like you jumped from living at home with mom and dad to living with your husband.

 

You really need to ask yourself why you are hurting your mate so badly. You made vows and promises that you really never kept.

 

Once you understand your whys a little better you can better decide a course of action. You have 3 basic options-

 

1. Discuss and agree to an Open Marriage - You probably are not a good candidate for this. An Open Relationship requires honesty and boundaries.

2. Tell your Husband you have grown apart and ask for a divorce .

3. Recommit to your marriage. To do this you would actually need to be in love with hour BH and feel remorse for what you have done. I am not seeing any Love, remorse, or regret in your post.

 

If you choose 1 or 3, you need to be honest with your husband about your affair. You can not continue a relationship based on lies.

 

S.

Edited September 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[violet1]

This makes me sad. It's so hard to find couple friends that both spouses get along with. Why didn't you divorce your H before you got pregnant years ago? You've in a way trapped your H in a false marriage. Do you feel guilt at all? How do you expect this to play out?

[jbrent890]

You do realize how selfish you are acting. It took me years to think beyond myself and only after I became aware of the carnage I had caused not only my SO but my AP. I have deeply hurt two people I really cared about, but was too selfish to realize it at the time. The thing is, you can never undo the hurt. It changes you, it changes your SO, and more times than not for the better.

 

 

Long story short, I think you married to young. You are comfortable with your spouse, you are playing house, but I don't believe you really love him. You love yourself and only yourself. No where in your post do you talk about your husband with any emotion ( love , hate, etc). It almost sounds like you jumped from living at home with mom and dad to living with your husband.

 

You really need to ask yourself why you are hurting your mate so badly. You made vows and promises that you really never kept.

 

Once you understand your whys a little better you can better decide a course of action. You have 3 basic options-

 

1. Discuss and agree to an Open Marriage - You probably are not a good candidate for this. An Open Relationship requires honesty and boundaries.

2. Tell your Husband you have grown apart and ask for a divorce .

3. Recommit to your marriage. To do this you would actually need to be in love with hour BH and feel remorse for what you have done. I am not seeing any Love, remorse, or regret in your post.

 

If you choose 1 or 3, you need to be honest with your husband about your affair. You can not continue a relationship based on lies.

 

S.

 

Completely agree with this. Its obvious that neither you or your AP respect your husband. In my opinion, the best thing to do is cut the cord to the marriage. Your husband deserves so much better. As Violet said, you have essentially taken away your husband's chance to have a normal marriage. This is by far one of the more selfish stories I have come across. Let your husband go.

[TaraMaiden2]

Could I ask precisely then, why you feel it's ok to remain married when it's obvious you have absolutely no regret, remorse or guilt about this, and no intention whatsoever of stopping?

 

What's the point of staying married, if you have no consideration for your spouse's feelings, trust or devotion?

 

Really, I'm honestly curious how your mind is processing this....

 

For the record:

I am married.

I would never be unfaithful to my H, and I have never been more certain of anything than I am of this, namely that I totally know he would never be unfaithful to me.

 

That said, I am not a great believer in the state of marriage as it stands, and feel much needs to change within the institution.

However, I also believe that "if you can't do the time, don't so the crime".

 

In other words, if you can't stay faithful, don't stay married.

It's just a great big lie, and reduces your value as a trustworthy person, to below zero.

 

So, where are you at, with this concept?

Edited September 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude commentary~T

[Sub]

There have been a couple people I can remember on here in similar situations. One I believe was having an A with her BFF's H, they ended up disclosing and becoming a couple. I'm pretty sure the friendship ended. Another was an A between two very close couples - neighbors I think - where the WW helped take care of the other's kids. I can't recall what happened there.

 

I think if "sometimes things happen" is all you feel about it, what can anyone say, really? They don't suspect because the best friend is the last person they would suspect of banging their spouse.

[drifter777]

In case you don't already know this, if you keep up the affair you will get caught.

[pteromom]

I guess my question is if you know what you are doing isn't right, why do you continue to do it?

 

Are you hoping your husband or his wife will find out and blow things up?

 

The fallout of this wouldn't just be on you. It would be on your husband, your children, your AP, your friend... is all of that risk worth the reward of getting together with him a few times a week?

 

If you cut it off now, you could just quietly stop without anyone getting hurt.

 

So my advice to you is to put some serious thought into the whole situation.

 

Why are you doing this?

 

What would you do if your husband found out? If your child walked in on you? If your friend (his wife) walked in on you?

 

Do you feel that your actions and behavior align with your values?

 

If you were writing the story of this affair, how would you see it going - for how long? How would it end? How would it affect your marriage, and your friendship with this couple?

 

If your best friend - or your child - was in this situation, what advice would you give?

 

If you ended the affair, do you believe you could resist getting back in? If no, why not?

 

What do you get from this affair that you do not get in your marriage? Is there a way to change your marriage for the better so that you don't feel you need the affair?

[ShatteredLady]

Your husband clearly has complete trust in you & his 'friend'. That's why he's not being suspicious.

 

If/When your H discovers this he will be destroyed!! Your children will be collateral damage in a very angry divorce. Ugh! You are playing with fire not 'fun'. These are real peoples lives.

 

There are some in your situation that eventually divorce, get therapy, grow-up & go on to live fulfilling lives in REAL relationships. Most don't.

You write in a very cold, unfeeling way but the fact that you are posting here makes me question? Read some of the other posts here if you haven't. The agony that this type of situation causes is VERY real. The fact that the 'friend' & his partner have had multiple infidelities may be numbing you to the real world consequences of your actions.

 

To be honest I'm not sure you deserve this piece on information but this is a public forum that others read. I might be able to help someone.... My big brother, only sibling was like your husband. Blindly trusting & loving. Adored his wife & children. He took his own life after discovering his wife's betrayal. Like my whole family, she lives with the emotional carnage of his SUICIDE every day of her life. Their children are forever damaged, broken. It's the most brutal, painful thing you can imagine.

 

Yep! Let's just call it "Fun!!!".

[Horton]

To the OP, there was another woman on here that was cheating on her husband with his best friend too, it didn't end well. I don't think she posts on here anymore, so if you're looking for somebody in an identical situation to share tips and tricks with you're probably gonna be pretty disappointed.

 

EDIT: Also there are a lot of people here still in fresh pain from being cheated on, so this isn't the best place to come if your desire is just to gloat.

Edited September 9, 2015 by Horton

[autumnnight]

You know what you are doing is wrong, but you don't want to stop yet. I'm not being harsh. That is just the current situation.

 

Let me dispel a few notions before they get too far out:

 

You are not doing this because Mommy and Daddy didn't love you enough

 

You are not doing this because you have some sort of interpersonal dysfunction

 

You are not having a mid-life crisis

 

You are not doing this because some part of your life is unfulfilling and the universe gave you this to fill it

 

 

These are all things lifestyle cheaters create to make themselves feel better.

 

The reason you cheated is because you became attracted to someone other than your husband, and instead of running the other way, you chose to have an affair.

 

I am saying all this because you will hear all sorts of lies from fellow cheaters out there, and that is not what you need.

 

IF you truly know what you are doing is wrong and you do have any type of authentic care for your husband and family, the answer is clear. Stop the affair. It isn't easy, but it IS simple.

 

If you actually want to have an authentic marriage and stay away from the OM, then you need to come clean with your husband. If you had a drunken ONS, maybe you could try to just forget it. This is 7 years of deceit with a friend.

 

The action to take if you want to regain your integrity is clear. IS that what you want, or do you just want to swap stories with other people who are cheating?

[BetrayedH]

Out of respect for your husband, you should show him what you've posted here and give him the opportunity to make his own informed decision about what to do with his life. It's categorically unfair to him to keep him unaware and committed to you while you play single. The guy only has one life.

[S_A]

Abarr's husband could be cheating. My GF's close friend's husband was "not the type" to cheat either (short, not attractive, seems "too nice"), but he has been cheating for over 6 months (wife knows now).

 

If you're going out with your husband's friend on weekends, and your current husband does not care about it, it is possible that he views your going out as an opening for him to do what he wants with a girl he has on the side. What I mean to say is that your lack of availability to your husband, and he being fine with it, is a potential red flag IMO.

[sammy7111]

His not much of a friend to your husband. I would think he would better with out u.

[Sub]

I don't think she and the MOM are going out together on weekends. They hang out as couples, I believe.