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My husband had a one night stand, now what?


lightlaugh

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I just found out that 6 months before we were married my husband went with his best man to a massage parlor and had sex with a woman there. This was four years ago and he didn't tell me until this weekend when it came out in a conversation we were having about skeletons in our closets.

 

He has been the most amazing person that I have ever been with-incredible caring, thoughtful and an amazing partner. I always thought to myself how did I get so lucky to be with a man who is so loving and caring, and understanding and respectful.

 

He is completely regrettful and apologetic and is open to anything to make our relationship work. I feel like I should be able to forgive him for this, but my whole world feels like it has gone upside down-If this had been a one night stand with someone I feel like it would be easier-but a massage parlor????

 

I don't know how to focus on other parts of my life and get things done and I don't know how to forgive him-any advice would be much appreciated!

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LucreziaBorgia

Its good that you know - but the very best thing to do is let it go. It sounds like it was a one time thing (I suspect that the massage parlor was not a legit medical one and was a thinly veiled brothel - we have a "massage parlor" here too, where I've been told that for a fee you can get a hand job or a blow job, or considerably more if you put up enough cash). It sounds like your man was caught up in the illicit nature of having sex completely devoid of emotion. Prostitutes are after money, not your man. It was a business transaction that involved sexual contact - physical betrayal, at the very most. It doesn't appear to have had any effect on him since the past four years have been characterized by this:

 

He has been the most amazing person that I have ever been with-incredible caring, thoughtful and an amazing partner. I always thought to myself how did I get so lucky to be with a man who is so loving and caring, and understanding and respectful.

 

He has admitted that he was wrong, and has told you that he is willing to work through the pain it has caused you. I expect though that you are going to need an extra bit of help to get past the feelings of betrayal and dishonesty - a man may not think much about paying someone for emotionless sex, but for his partner - it is something completely different. At least he is able to understand that and is willing to work with you.

 

Set up a counselling session - he may have some issues to talk out, and I know for sure that you do, and sometimes it is best handled through an objective third party. Hopefully through these sessions, you can begin to put it behind you.

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whichwayisup

OUCH!! And I can see how now the trust level has fallen.

 

I don't know what I would do in that situation, but definately alot of honesty, communication is necessary to keep the marriage afloat. He seems to be really sincere and very very sorry...I bet that was weighing in his mind for a long time.

 

I hope you both can move past it and get the marriage back on track.

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it was his best man's idea to go, and I could go on about how he was drunk and nervous about getting married-yadayada

but it feels like I am making excuses for him.

 

Thank you for the thoughts about this, I think seeing a counselor is a good idea-I don't feel like I can talk to any of my friends or family about this partly because i don't want to deal with their judegements of him-I just want my feeling of trust and confidence in him back.

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if this was before you were married, give the guy a pass. it should be no skin off your back, i guess it's all in how one is brought up. if i were your husband, i'd feel like an idiot. this is pretty standard bachelor party crap, i'm pretty sure he won't be a repeat customer.

 

if you are feeling as bad as you say, you might want to sit down and analyze why you feel that way, then have a nice chat about it with your hubby. go easy on him, i'm sure he feels bad enough already. he must, since if he didn't he wouldn't have told you in the first place. that he did is a very good sign: he obviously trusts you greatly and knows you wouldn't beat him to death with this thing.

 

you both should get tested for std's at your earliest opportunity.

 

good luck and take it easy on the dork.

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InThisSkinAgain

yeah, let it go - as shocking as it is - it was BEFORE you were married...........you will get over it in time and it's better that you know that not - it means he trusts you with his embarassing secrets - a GOOD THING in marriage

 

besides, that's just a "kicked up" level of bachelor celebration before the wedding - a LOT of guys do the stripper/lap dance thing. He crossed a line,yeah - but he went on to bond his life to yours - MUCH BIGGER LINE

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