ConfusedKT Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 (edited) Has anyone had an affair and ended up in a long term relationship with that person?? Im married and started having an affair with a married man. We both left our partners, me around 6 months ago, him about a month and we planned to make a life together. His wife has since found out about the affair and is giving him a lot of hassle. He's now [cooled] things off with me almost completely because he says he feels guilty for hurting her. He says he still wants to be with me but wants time to sort things with her. I'm very confused... Was just hoping to hear some good news stories!! Edited July 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 (edited) Affair success stories?? Im married and started having an affair with a married man. You're going to have to define what you mean by "success". Mr. Lucky Edited July 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 11 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 (edited) Yeah, they lasted 2 years. Both looked - and behaved - like wrecks though, anddidn't have many friends left. But considering the odds, I do think 2 years count as success for affair partners. Edited July 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redacted unfounded speculation 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 (edited) Has anyone had an affair and ended up in a long term relationship with that person?? Im married and started having an affair with a married man. We both left our partners, me around 6 months ago, him about a month and we planned to make a life together. His wife has since found out about the affair and is giving him a lot of hassle. He's now cooked things off with me almost completely because he says he feels guilty for hurting her. He says he still wants to be with me but wants time to sort things with her. I'm very confused... Was just hoping to hear some good news stories!! Honestly, it doesn't happen often. In your situation (both being married) even less often. I think there are too many moving parts to sustain a long term relationship. Edited July 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Unfounded speculation redacted. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Be_Strong Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Yes, there are a number of members here who are currently in long-term, stable relationships that began as affairs. In my own personal experience, I know a few couples that have been married for years that started out as affairs. So, some affairs do progress into open, long-term relationships. I have no idea what percentage of affairs turn out this way, but anecdotally, it seems to be a tiny fraction of affairs. I will tell you though, of those married men I know who had an affair and are now married to their affair partner, all of them have told me they wouldn't have done it if they could go back and do it again. After a while, each of them found themselves in a marriage that wasn't any better than their first marriage, except now they had split up their kids and gone through all the hassle of a divorce. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Based on the many stories I read, when a married man cheats on his wife he almost never wanted to continue with his cheating partner. he will most likely try to find a way to work thing out with his wife. it's part of the way we ( men) are wired. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedKT Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 (edited) We were friends for a few years before anything happened, both in similar loveless marriages, we grew closer and fell in love... I just wanted some hope that it can work out. You say we've crushed our partners etc but surely leaving an unhappy relationship is the best thing to do?? Edited July 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Response to deleted posts redacted Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedKT Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 Based on the many stories I read, when a married man cheats on his wife he almost never wanted to continue with his cheating partner. he will most likely try to find a way to work thing out with his wife. it's part of the way we ( men) are wired. Even when he says he loves me and wanted to leave her, and has now left? He instigated the conversations we had about leaving our partners. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Wow you guys are harsh... but I kind of expected that I know how it probably sounds... all cliches... We were friends for a few years before anything happened, both in similar loveless marriages, we grew closer and fell in love... I just wanted some hope that it can work out. You say we've crushed our partners etc but surely leaving an unhappy relationship is the best thing to do?? Does your husband know why you left? Does he know about the affair? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 There are three on here that I know of and maybe they will chime in- I am unsure if in any of those cases the MM went back in any fashion at all to help the BS deal with the fall out- I am a bit worried about that for you- Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Even when he says he loves me and wanted to leave her, and has now left? He instigated the conversations we had about leaving our partners. Yes, unfortunately for you this is a very common story. He may have been sincere even, in the moment. When the time came to make the move you found out that it was just in the moment, if that. I bet he will be back though. They typically go back and forth torturing themselves and you for years, if they can get away with it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedKT Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 Does your husband know why you left? Does he know about the affair? I left because I didn't love him anymore, he knows that. No, he doesn't know about the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedKT Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 There are three on here that I know of and maybe they will chime in- I am unsure if in any of those cases the MM went back in any fashion at all to help the BS deal with the fall out- I am a bit worried about that for you- Thank you for your reply. He hasn't gone back exactly. He moved out of their home, I think he's just trying to make the break up as amicable as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Be_Strong Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 There are three on here that I know of and maybe they will chime in- I am unsure if in any of those cases the MM went back in any fashion at all to help the BS deal with the fall out- I am a bit worried about that for you- There's at least one who is now married to her previous affair partner who went back and forth to his previous wife before leaving her for good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 I think what you need to think about is this. If this man truly loves you and intends to spend his life with you, he will make you his first priority. This does not mean being cruel to his wife, but it also does not mean that HE becomes the one trying to help her through the divorce, nor does he go back and provide her with any false hope. He tells her as kindly as possibly he is leaving, but it is you that he protects and your emotions that he prioritizes. It sounds cold, I know, but if he is truly committed to leaving his marriage and being with you this is the way it needs to proceed. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Phoenician Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Based on the many stories I read, when a married man cheats on his wife he almost never wanted to continue with his cheating partner. he will most likely try to find a way to work thing out with his wife. it's part of the way we ( men) are wired. all depends of what comes first , the marriage ending or the affair , meaning that if the marriage is rotten enough and an affair came then the affair might be a succesfull start as long as seperation happens with the old partner . usually a man who won't break with wife is either a jerk ,or with a heavy load , or just playing around and want to cook the cake and eat it all; or all of them . nobody can judge except u and him , my advise to you is to put deadlines; if his marriage is rotten and have balls to divorce , then he desrves u . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Phoenician Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 in my rotten marriage , i rgrett coming back to my wife without sleeping with the georgous lady ! Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 I ended up with my MM. His ex knew about the affair. When he left, he LEFT. There was no going back. We have been together for several years and are happy together. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
daisygirl19 Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 (edited) I am with my FMM. Our relationship is out in the open, but we are still taking things slowly. There are a lot of factors to consider when you do go public and it is NOT an easy road. We live in a small community and we all knew each other for years prior to the affair. Our daughters are friends (were long before our affair) and his ex-wife and I were acquaintances. I know that makes this that much more difficult, but it's a tough road regardless and I can't imagine many relationships succeeding under that kind of stress and pressure. We've taken steps to do everything in our power to make it work and we are deeply committed to it. It took counseling (MC for he and his ex to end their marriage, IC for each of us, and we went to counseling together) in an effort to do this with as little hurt and pain as possible for everyone involved. Once he decided to leave, he never once wavered. There was no stalling, no false promises. We came up with a timeline and stuck to it like glue. Edited July 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Response to deleted post redacted 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedKT Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 I think what you need to think about is this. If this man truly loves you and intends to spend his life with you, he will make you his first priority. This does not mean being cruel to his wife, but it also does not mean that HE becomes the one trying to help her through the divorce, nor does he go back and provide her with any false hope. He tells her as kindly as possibly he is leaving, but it is you that he protects and your emotions that he prioritizes. It sounds cold, I know, but if he is truly committed to leaving his marriage and being with you this is the way it needs to proceed. This is exactly what I've said to him... I sometimes think I'm kidding myself and just don't want to believe it.... I'm absolutely crazy about this guy... the thought of not being with him eats me alive :'( Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 (edited) You say we've crushed our partners etc but surely leaving an unhappy relationship is the best thing to do?? It all depends on how you leave a marriage. If you utterly betray someone's trust and deceive them, it will hurt them. Some like you just shrug and move on, others like your affair partner [go] back into their [redacted]houses once the affair fog starts to lift and they see things for what they truly are. Too bad this realization hits way too late. Edited July 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Editorial commentary redacted. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 This is exactly what I've said to him... I sometimes think I'm kidding myself and just don't want to believe it.... I'm absolutely crazy about this guy... the thought of not being with him eats me alive :'( We had steps in place that we knew we had to take. Timelines, therapy, not rushing to live together, redefining the relationship from an affair to a regular relationship. You really can't fly along by the seat of your pants or things will go off the rails. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 (edited) He's now cooked things off with me almost completely because he says he feels guilty for hurting her. He says he still wants to be with me but wants time to sort things with her... i don't want to give you any "false hope" & i think you already know that you need to think of YOU and YOUR LIFE 1st... but this does happen. in a lot of "affair success" stories, one or both APs went back and forth for some time OR took some time off from each other. not sure what's going on in your situation & relationship -- but this doesn't neccessarily mean that it's over. some folks DO come around. it takes time for folks to adapt and choose, to fully understand the big change in their lives. it's hard to leave, especially when you do care about your spouse & feel guilt. be careful. this is a difficult period for the both of you, not a lot of time has passed. so try to comfort him and be support as best as you can and see what happens. if he's serious about you & if he wants to be with you -- he'll eventually make it happen. time will tell, i guess. Edited July 15, 2015 by minimariah 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherSadSong Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 There are many exit affairs but they occur rather quickly because the man wants out and will not change his mind. It is much simpler and less complicated than what you will read on this board. They divorce quickly and usually married quickly beginning a new life, they do not hesitate. The OW who they married are not kept in a position to be in pain or placed up on a shelf so they likely are not looking to writing on affair boards for advice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
velvette Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 When my H left his first wife, he left and did not go back and forth while keeping me hanging. His wife is not engaging him to help her deal with this. She is engaging him to save her marriage and attempt to regain his affections. He knows this, so you can only assume that at some level he wants her making those efforts and is himself deciding if they will entice him back into his marriage. Meantime, he is keeping you as a backup plan. If all he wanted to do was help her deal with an inevitable divorce, he could have had one honest conversation with her once she discovered the affair. That could have happened on the phone or at a restaurant, etc. Everyone knows the kindest way to end a relationship is decisively, kindly while leaving no room for hope that you will change your mind. That's what people who are sure about what they want do. If I were you I would end whatever R you still have with him and tell him to find you when he is D if that's what you want. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
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