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I'm devastated hubby is having another affair. I can't do this again.

 

A few years ago I had a year long affair with a coworker. H was devastated but we stayed together working it out. Praying to god and with help from our families. Then two years ago he came home one night and confessed an affair and said he was leaving.

 

He moved in with the OW and knocked her up in less than a month. We have 2 kids and the guilt of leaving us finally made him come to his senses. OW thankfully threatened and followed through with an abortion when he said he wanted to come home. Things we rough for a while but we have been great for over a year now, he is a great dad and the kids are recovered.

 

Today I got a call from a new OW saying she has been seeing him for 5 months and just learned she's pregnant. She told me all kinds of lies I know he would not have told her. He would never leave us. I CANT DO THIS AGAIN. H has no idea because OW stopped contact when he refused to tell me. I can't believe another woman is setting out to break up everything we've worked for. Now I'm trying to figure out what to do or say to save us.

 

The OW seems determined to make my life miserable and says her family will use every resource to prevent her child from being near me when I told her I was god fearing, but could not accept this.

 

I honestly thought everything with H was good. Yes, we have tension for sure at times, but I thought we were okay. I am devastated. I believe in marriage for life and cannot lose my husband! Why is this women doing this to us? Why do we have to go through this?

 

She says she will not have an abortion under any circumstance and wasn't asking for anything now, but wanted me to know, because after the child is born she will file for CS, which we can't even afford on his income. This is so unfair that we have to suffer now.

 

I can't support myself and don't want to lose him. I am worried he will try and leave for that <woman>. I can't take this anymore.

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minimariah
I can't believe another woman is setting out to break up everything we've worked for.

 

i can't believe that -- with a H who keeps not only f&cking other women but knocking them up & then dumping them -- you really think that those WOMEN are the problem.

 

look for professional help -- both counseling AND financial help. create a financial plan for a life on your own, without the husband. what kind of support system do you have... friends, family...? don't hesitate to ask for help, even a financial one from your loved ones until you get back on your own two feet.

 

& buy your husband some condoms.

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i can't believe that -- with a H who keeps not only f&cking other women but knocking them up & then dumping them -- you really think that those WOMEN are the problem.

 

look for professional help -- both counseling AND financial help. create a financial plan for a life on your own, without the husband. what kind of support system do you have... friends, family...? don't hesitate to ask for help, even a financial one from your loved ones until you get back on your own two feet.

 

& buy your husband some condoms.

 

Believe me, I know he is part of the problem. I AM UPSET. But I also know she made herself available.

 

I wish it were so easy to just say I will go on my own but my kids cannot handle that. Part of me can't handle it, if I am being honest. We've been together nearly 30 years. This is not the shame I want. I cheated too, which I know started all of this.

 

I don't really have a support system outside of church friends. The one have told wants to hold an intervention with our pastor for us. We did counseling, twice, and this still happened. I know we will never love each other the same after what I did. But I am scared and don't ant to kick him out. I am not that strong. I wish I was.

 

I cannot handle a child from an affair messing us up.

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minimariah

did you consider individual counseling, just you & the therapist?

is that something you can afford?

 

how old are your kids?

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I can't believe another woman is setting out to break up everything we've worked for

 

It's not the other woman who is setting out to break up everything you've worked for. It's your husband who decided to have sex with her, it's your husband who decided to break his wedding vows, it's your husband who decided to cheat on you yet a second time. The other woman could be anyone, if it wasn't this particular woman it would have been someone else.

 

You acknowledge your husband is "part" of the problem, and while that's a step in the right direction it falls short. Far short. Your husband IS the problem, the entire problem, the other woman is nothing more of a symptom.

 

You took him back once, he broke his promise yet again, if you take him back now, he'll know he can get away with anything and he's likely to do it again to yet another other woman, and it won't be her fault either.

 

You know who is partially at fault here? Someone who is more to blame than the other woman? The person who looks back at you in the mirror, the person who continues to allow her husband to do this.

 

Stop looking for ways to save a failed marriage, and look for ways to save yourself- and that means getting rid of your serial cheating husband, once and for all.

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did you consider individual counseling, just you & the therapist?

is that something you can afford?

 

how old are your kids?

 

I'm looking into counseling just for me, we can't really afford it right now.

 

Kids are 13 and 17.

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I feel really bad for you because you can't see the forest for the trees. You are in such deep denial that you can't see your husband for what he is: a serial cheater who has no moral compass, who has no respect for you or your marriage, who lies to other women then uses them and knocks them up, who does not care at all if he loses you and devastates his children. I could go on and on. You need to find a way to leave this toxic relationship. Go to state for temporary help. Go to your church. But get out of this mess. He is a creep.

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AlwaysGrowing

You might want to ask a lawyer what it would mean for you...if you were to divorce after the OC was born. How would it affect your CS claim...if your husband was already paying CS.

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I'm devastated hubby is having another affair. I can't do this again.

 

A few years ago I had a year long affair with a coworker. H was devastated but we stayed together working it out. Praying to god and with help from our families. Then two years ago he came home one night and confessed an affair and said he was leaving.

 

He moved in with the OW and knocked her up in less than a month. We have 2 kids and the guilt of leaving us finally made him come to his senses. OW thankfully threatened and followed through with an abortion when he said he wanted to come home. Things we rough for a while but we have been great for over a year now, he is a great dad and the kids are recovered.

 

Today I got a call from a new OW saying she has been seeing him for 5 months and just learned she's pregnant. She told me all kinds of lies I know he would not have told her. He would never leave us. I CANT DO THIS AGAIN. H has no idea because OW stopped contact when he refused to tell me. I can't believe another woman is setting out to break up everything we've worked for. Now I'm trying to figure out what to do or say to save us.

 

The OW seems determined to make my life miserable and says her family will use every resource to prevent her child from being near me when I told her I was god fearing, but could not accept this.

 

I honestly thought everything with H was good. Yes, we have tension for sure at times, but I thought we were okay. I am devastated. I believe in marriage for life and cannot lose my husband! Why is this women doing this to us? Why do we have to go through this?

 

She says she will not have an abortion under any circumstance and wasn't asking for anything now, but wanted me to know, because after the child is born she will file for CS, which we can't even afford on his income. This is so unfair that we have to suffer now.

 

I can't support myself and don't want to lose him. I am worried he will try and leave for that <woman>. I can't take this anymore.

 

I'm sorry your going through this. I understand the anger at the OWs, I have some toward my H XAP as well, however, it's not their fault your H cheated. Does your H blame OM you had an A with to this degree? Or did he blame you for what you did to the marriage? He has done this twice now and has been so irresponsible in getting 2 women pregnant, this isn't him having a revenge affair or a fling, this is serious, he moved in with one of them. I think rather than dealing with this through an intervention with your church, you should look at why you actually want this marriage. With infidelity from both sides and unprotected sex, maybe you should really look at your relationship and whether it's worth saving. The OWs are two different people that he chose, they may be the things you say about them, however they didn't hurt you twice, he did.

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I suggest you legally seperate and file for child support from him , otherwise the OWs child will get more in CS than your children.

 

Your H is indeed the main problem, but the OWs are no angels either. Why anyone would get pregnant for a MM is beyond me , but we all have different hopes and aspirations in life.

 

What does your H want to do?

Is he going to continue having affairs and getting his girlfriends pregnant?

 

If your affair was in fact a dealbreaker for him, then he needs to say so and the both of you can move on. Unfortunately , sometimes when once one spouse has cheated, the other views the marriage as tainted and they no longer feel the same.

 

How many affairs is the marriage able to survive.

Be prepared for all kinds of crazy from the OW with the OC on the way.

 

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I suggest you legally seperate and file for child support from him , otherwise the OWs child will get more in CS than your children.

 

Excellent point. While this might not be true everywhere, it does happen, the first child receiving support gets a percentage of the father's income, and then subsequent child support is a percentage of what remains after the first child support obligation is deducted.

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I suggest you legally seperate and file for child support from him , otherwise the OWs child will get more in CS than your children.

 

Your H is indeed the main problem, but the OWs are no angels either. Why anyone would get pregnant for a MM is beyond me , but we all have different hopes and aspirations in life.

 

What does your H want to do?

Is he going to continue having affairs and getting his girlfriends pregnant?

 

If your affair was in fact a dealbreaker for him, then he needs to say so and the both of you can move on. Unfortunately , sometimes when once one spouse has cheated, the other views the marriage as tainted and they no longer feel the same.

 

How many affairs is the marriage able to survive.

Be prepared for all kinds of crazy from the OW with the OC on the way.

 

 

He wants to be with OW but doesn't want to leave our kids. Says he doesn't love me but loves our family, and is sorry. He has no idea I know anything, because OW cut off contact with him, but he discussed it with his sister, who has told me this. Sister hasn't told him I know and is waiting for me to. All I know is he told his sister he was trying to figure out how to leave without hurting the kids before OW got knocked up and felt torn. Now OW isn't speaking with him, according to her, she told him to either leave or get out of her way, and that is he didn't tell me, she would (and has, obvs). Sis also thinks he should stay with us, his real family.

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minimariah

Kids are 13 and 17.

 

is the older kid going away for college soon?

 

your kids are actually old enough to handle the divorce without bigger issues.

 

and for crying out loud, stop focusing and demonizing the OW & her child. no, she isn't "after you", these women didn't "target you" on purpose and nobody wants to ruin you or your life.

 

how can you even respect a man who doesn't take care of his own children...? how can you ENCOURAGE a man to NOT take care of his kids? how can you call yourself & your kids his "real" family when HE made another child with someone else...? how is that child not his real family, is he not the father? that child is more his family than you are.

 

no wonder the OW doesn't want you anywhere near her child.

 

instead of focusing on dealing with your poor marriage, you focus on "getting rid" of these women and their kids you see as an only threat. you need to know when to back off and call it quits sometimes, this marriage doesn't make sense anymore.

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is the older kid going away for college soon?

 

your kids are actually old enough to handle the divorce without bigger issues.

 

and for crying out loud, stop focusing and demonizing the OW & her child. no, she isn't "after you", these women didn't "target you" on purpose and nobody wants to ruin you or your life.

 

how can you even respect a man who doesn't take care of his own children...? how can you ENCOURAGE a man to NOT take care of his kids? how can you call yourself & your kids his "real" family when HE made another child with someone else...? how is that child not his real family, is he not the father? that child is more his family than you are.

 

no wonder the OW doesn't want you anywhere near her child.

 

instead of focusing on dealing with your poor marriage, you focus on "getting rid" of these women and their kids you see as an only threat. you need to know when to back off and call it quits sometimes, this marriage doesn't make sense anymore.

 

Yes. The 17 yr old will be a senior in the fall.

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Either you have a way dealing with your husband, but I don't see there has hope in your life that your H will stop having more affairs.

 

 

Which means even this one current OW is gone, another 999 OWs will come or will be invited by your H later in your life.

 

 

You either accept or not, but from what you have said here you have to accept as you don't want to leave the "open" marriage anyway.

 

 

I get what you are trying to say but she most likely has access to family money so has no reason to take money away from me other than vengeance. The child would not live in poverty. I know it sounds mean, but we don't have a lot of money. Seems like she would have access to money.

 

Its not just the money. I am hurt. I thought we had moved past all this stuff. Even now and then I worried, but this I cant believe. What kind of woman would do this?

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I get what you are trying to say but she most likely has access to family money so has no reason to take money away from me other than vengeance. The child would not live in poverty. I know it sounds mean, but we don't have a lot of money. Seems like she would have access to money.

 

Its not just the money. I am hurt. I thought we had moved past all this stuff. Even now and then I worried, but this I cant believe. What kind of woman would do this?

 

I am starting at my iPad shaking my head. her financial situation is moot. If she is a billionaire your husband gathered that child and needs to be responsible. I am trying to figure out where you get the guts to even imply he shouldn't pay for a kid he made. I am telling you, you have nothing to do with their situation unless the child comes to your house for visitation. This is his child. The brother or sister of YOUR children. Do you understand that??? As soon as paternity is established child support will be put in place. If he chose not to pay guess what? Garnishing of his check, then Loss of drivers license, then arrest warrant. And she can try to collect forever. You had better great up for what is to come because what we are reading is someone who is focused on herself and not looking at the real situation for what it is.

 

Why would you stay with someone who does not love you? He is trying to leave. I don't get it. I am sorry I just don't.

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What some of you don't seem to understand is our kids still hurt from the first affair (his, they dont know about mine) and there really isn't any other way forward except to stay together for them. I am trying to do what is best for THEM.

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You are complaining about child support but he SHOULD pay. It is his kid.

Maybe it's his kid. Time for a DNA test. And a lawyer.

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I get what you are trying to say but she most likely has access to family money so has no reason to take money away from me other than vengeance. The child would not live in poverty. I know it sounds mean, but we don't have a lot of money. Seems like she would have access to money.

 

Its not just the money. I am hurt. I thought we had moved past all this stuff. Even now and then I worried, but this I cant believe. What kind of woman would do this?

 

I don't mean this to be cruel because I know your hurting. I agree what kind of woman wants a married man, I too struggle to understand that, but I think the question for you to look at is what kind of man does this, and twice. He chose to have unprotected sex and now there is a child involved. Think if you had of become pregnant from your affair, would you expect the same from the OM? I know this is so hard, and as a BS it is so difficult to look at the person who is supposed to love you and think they are capable of this, but he has proven he is. Even if the OW has money and can support herself shouldn't your H be in the child's life? This must be so hard for you to look at all of this. I'm sorry.

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minimariah
What some of you don't seem to understand is our kids still hurt from the first affair (his, they dont know about mine) and there really isn't any other way forward except to stay together for them. I am trying to do what is best for THEM.

 

staying together isn't what is best for them.

 

your children were hurt by the 1st A & they will be even more hurt by the 2nd A which had resulted in a child -- their sibling. THIS is what you two staying together did to your children.

 

there is a way forward and that is for the two of you going your separate ways.

 

also, your kids need to know about the "affair child" -- you don't want them eventually meeting the kid and falling in love without knowing that they're related by blood... trust me, this things don't happen just in the movies. it is important they know who is in their closes family.

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AnotherSadSong

Sigher, What does your husband have to say about this pregnancy? I am sorry you are going through this. I have been an OW but could never place myself in this position by having careless relations and ending up pregnant. I believe it would be devastating to hear if I were married that another woman was carrying my husband's child. I am sure you are very angry.

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