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Husband says he wants to reconcile but won't leave mistress right away. (Updated)


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Let me first apologize this will be a little long.

 

My husband and I have been married 14 years and together 19. We've had 5 children aging from 18 to 6 and one passed away. The past year I knew our marriage was in trouble. I changed the way I did things and treated him better but he did nothing on his end to change.

 

At the end of May I found out he was having a full blown affair with a coworker so I naturally got angry and threw him out. Of course he ended up at her house. On June 9th I filed for divorce. He was devastated. By the 16th he was begging to come home. We talked for 2 days and set ground rules that we both agreed on. By the 19th he was back home. Then on the 27th I found out he had not cut off all contact with the other woman. Again I was angry and told him to leave. And of course he's back at her house again.

 

July 2nd he comes to see the kids and we end up talking for 2 hours. He initiated the conversation wanting to know what WE have to do to "get right." I told him I was already resigned to the fact that we were getting a divorce. He said he never wanted that. I said there's no possible way we can work on us as long as he's living with another woman. He agreed but he also said it's not that easy to just up and leave her again after she's taken him in twice.

 

No matter what people think of me, I am open to working things out with him. 19 years is a long time and I truly love this man. I've tried to ask him when he plans on coming home and he said he can't give me a time. I feel the longer he stays there the more chance there is he will change his mind about me and our family. He could also be leading this other woman on because I'm sure she doesn't know he told me he wants to come home.

 

I don't want to keep bringing the subject up when he calls or comes by to see the kids because I feel it's going to push him away. I have and alway will be patient with him but here's the dilemma, in our state there's a 90 day waiting period for divorce before you actually go to court. It's been 30 for us already. Could he be waiting 60 more days before deciding to come home? I feel 10 days is long.

 

I know none of you can read his mind but this is driving me insane. I can't eat, sleep or even function properly. I don't see him going through any of those things. I try to focus on the positive aspects but it's hard and I end up hiding out in the bathroom crying so my kids don't see me.

 

I would like someone's opinion if they have been through or know someone that's been through a similar situation.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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purplesorrow

Gently, are there any positives here? This must be so confusing for your children. Stay the course to divorce. You shouldn't have to ask a man who wants his marriage to stop contact with his ow, he would do it on his own. You are a soft place to land. He needs to earn his way back to you. Find your strength to look out for you and your kids. I know you want your marriage but you can't be the only one with that desire. He will continue the back and forth as long as you allow.

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Grumpybutfun

First scenario....Time to enroll both of you in MC so you can get some guidance in a healthy way. You want to stay, and you have preferences for him to go NC with AP. However, if he doesn't do that, and based on his past behavior he won't do that, what is your long term plan? Keep dancing around the desire you have for him to go NC and his desire to have his cake and eat it too? By accepting him back and accepting his behavior, you took away the only collateral you had in changing his behavior. This is not going to end well for you because he wants you both.

 

Second scenario.....If you were open to the idea that maybe this man is selfish and untrustworthy, I would recommend you get in individual counseling to figure out how you became so codependent and how to live your life without all this drama. Then I would call a lawyer and start proceedings so you can live your life with integrity and pride in yourself for being strong enough to respect yourself. Since that is off the table though, MC might be a bandaid for a while until you reconcile yourself to being the wife of an ass.

 

You get what you settle for in life. I don't wish to be harsh because none of this is your fault as you did try to work on yourself to fix the marriage, but if he isn't focused on your marriage, you can't fix it by yourself.

 

Good luck,

Grumps

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Arieswoman

KRSwan,

 

I said there's no possible way we can work on us as long as he's living with another woman.

 

Good - you need to set the rules here.

 

He agreed but he also said it's not that easy to just up and leave her again after she's taken him in twice.

 

Why not? He can't have his cake and eat it. If he truly wants to reconcile with you then he throws her under the bus - simple.

 

I am open to working things out with him. 19 years is a long time and I truly love this man.

 

That is admirable but is he truly sorry, showing remorse and trying to work things out with you?

 

I've tried to ask him when he plans on coming home and he said he can't give me a time.

 

So he's still stringing you along and playing two women. That doesn't sound to me like he's fully on board here....

 

You need to see a lawyer and get advice. Get all your ducks in a row and then tell him that unless he dumps OW, shows some genuine remorse and puts his all into this then you'll divorce him.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this, I've been where you are and it's not a good place to be.

However, unfortunately, as long as people are allowed to have their cake and eat it they will continue to do so. :rolleyes:

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Wow. Your H is delusional. It sounds like he is simply trying to keep both you (the marriage) and the OW. Don't allow him to do that. He must cut all contact and ties with her if he wants you. If he wants to keep her too then let him go and divorce him. I'm really sorry you're going through this.

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eye of the storm

My ExH did this. He came back 3 times. The third time he actually "moved" back in. After 4 days I noticed his laptop was not home, I asked him where it was. It was still at the house he had been staying at (at the time I didn't know she was there too) I told him to bring it home. He refused. That is when I realized he wasn't coming home.

 

Turns out he didn't want me. He wanted to still be a part of the family. He didn't want to live without the kids. He wanted the nice house and the social standing. He didn't want me.

 

If a man wants you. He will do what is necessary to be with you.

 

I am sorry for the pain you are going thru.

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stillafool

Yes he definitely wants his cake and pie. I think the best way for him to miss you is to be absent from his life. Do not be there when he sees his kids or let him pick them up and visit. If he wants to come back stick to your rules - he leaves her and you two go in to MC. Personally, I wouldn't want his cheating a$$ back if I were you.

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I'm left wondering why and how you could still love him when he's capable of treating you this way?

 

Is that what love looks like?

 

I hope you find solice in removing him from your life - allow him to communicate with the kids directly - it's time for you to expect better from a man.

 

I hope you explain to your kids that a man of honor doesn't do what he's been doing. He's no role model for them.

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whichwayisup

Your H will continue to waiver, go back and forth unless he's forced to make a choice. Seems he wants to stay married and still wants to have the A with the OW. He CANNOT have both.

 

Continue with divorce proceedings. Go ahead and do what you need to do and let him do his thing. If the D goes through and he changes his mind in the future, you can always date him and see how it goes but right now he is (selfishly) playing you and the OW, trying out 'life' with her and if it doesn't work he'll come back to you. That's disgusting to do and totally unfair to not only you, but to his OW. You and the OW obviously love him enough to allow him to go back and forth, he knows how to play each one of you and what to say so you both will accept him back.

 

You have many years invested in him, children and a tragic loss - I'm so sorry that you had to go through that, that's a parent's worst nightmare.... - What he has with the OW is new, fresh and exciting, that feeds his ego and many affairs create addictive feelings and drama that isn't easy to walk away from (just read some threads in this section and the infidelity section) so this is probably why he is bouncing back and forth as he is used to you both in his life and he can't give up one of you.

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My ExH did this. He came back 3 times. The third time he actually "moved" back in. After 4 days I noticed his laptop was not home, I asked him where it was. It was still at the house he had been staying at (at the time I didn't know she was there too) I told him to bring it home. He refused. That is when I realized he wasn't coming home.

 

Turns out he didn't want me. He wanted to still be a part of the family. He didn't want to live without the kids. He wanted the nice house and the social standing. He didn't want me.

 

If a man wants you. He will do what is necessary to be with you.

 

I am sorry for the pain you are going thru.

 

Whoa. That is rough. I'm so sorry. :(

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As long as you allow him to keep doing this, he will.

You need to get a no nonsense attitude and make it clear you're going full steam ahead with the divorce.

 

Children learn from what they see..........is this how you want your sons to treat women in the future or how you expect your daughters to be treated? If you stand for it , they'll either think you're a fool and internally loose respect for you or they'll think it's acceptable behaviour. Neither one of these is good .

 

I wonder how your husband would feel if you had an affair and were flipping back and forth like this. Or does he feel entitled.

 

- You need to read up on the 180 and prepare for a life without him

- Change the locks on your house , so he can't just drop in and let himself in.

- If he's coming to see the kids, let him in, then go out and return when he's leaving. Make sure you look good and are upbeat as you leave the house.

- Don't mope or cry when he's around.

- No more conversations unless it relates to the children or essential financial matters. Make it clear you won't be discussing reconciliation until he's out of his girlfriend's house

 

Don't be treated like this and remember he's also been in this marriage for 19 years and doesn't give a damn. If he did, he wouldn't be doing this.

 

BTW - What consequences has he faced so far?

Who knows about the affair? His family? Your family?

Exposure is very good for allowing the reality to set in.

 

I would also suggest that you can get support from an online support group specifically for infidelity, called:

 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity and Cheating

 

Good luck and don't ever be plan B.

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If statistics are to be believed, most affairs burn themselves out in 2-3 years. That's well beyond the 90 day divorce clock you're currently on, so you might as well just go ahead with the divorce. I don't see a lot of point in hanging on for 2 or 3 years while he goes back and forth between the two of you until the affair dies a natural death. You said in your post that your health and well-being are already suffering - and you will continue to suffer as long as you decide to stay in this limbo status.

 

If you really want him back, can you just put the divorce on the back burner for a couple of years, live your life, and wait it out while he bounces back and forth? Only you know if you can do that. I don't think that's healthy, personally, but some people can do it if they are determined enough.

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Friskyone4u

This one is simple, really simple.

 

Unless you are Ok with an open marriage, the marriage has two people in it and the mistress goes IMMEDIATELY and for good. No cake eating!!

 

Knock his ass off the fence and let the divorce proceed. Why would you accept this????

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Let me first apologize this will be a little long.

My husband and I have been married 14 years and together 19. We've had 5 children aging from 18 to 6 and one passed away. The past year I knew our marriage was in trouble. I changed the way I did things and treated him better but he did nothing on his end to change. At the end of May I found out he was having a full blown affair with a coworker so I naturally got angry and threw him out. Of course he ended up at her house. On June 9th I filed for divorce. He was devastated. By the 16th he was begging to come home. We talked for 2 days and set ground rules that we both agreed on. By the 19th he was back home. Then on the 27th I found out he had not cut off all contact with the other woman. Again I was angry and told him to leave. And of course he's back at her house again. July 2nd he comes to see the kids and we end up talking for 2 hours. He initiated the conversation wanting to know what WE have to do to "get right." I told him I was already resigned to the fact that we were getting a divorce. He said he never wanted that. I said there's no possible way we can work on us as long as he's living with another woman. He agreed but he also said it's not that easy to just up and leave her again after she's taken him in twice. No matter what people think of me, I am open to working things out with him. 19 years is a long time and I truly love this man. I've tried to ask him when he plans on coming home and he said he can't give me a time. I feel the longer he stays there the more chance there is he will change his mind about me and our family. He could also be leading this other woman on because I'm sure she doesn't know he told me he wants to come home. I don't want to keep bringing the subject up when he calls or comes by to see the kids because I feel it's going to push him away. I have and alway will be patient with him but here's the dilemma, in our state there's a 90 day waiting period for divorce before you actually go to court. It's been 30 for us already. Could he be waiting 60 more days before deciding to come home? I feel 10 days is long. I know none of you can read his mind but this is driving me insane. I can't eat, sleep or even function properly. I don't see him going through any of those things. I try to focus on the positive aspects but it's hard and I end up hiding out in the bathroom crying so my kids don't see me. I would like someone's opinion if they have been through or know someone that's been through a similar situation.

 

Omg!!! You have gotten through the hardest part, getting him out of the house. He is gone. Let him stay where he is..... He hasn't given you any respect. What are you showing your children, it's ok to step on you. WAKE UP!!! Get rid of the garbage. Stop being a door mat. Believe me it will get better. You want your children to look at you as strong women. You want your children to respect you. Tell your husband you made your choice and you chose a HAPPY LIFE!!!! Good ridden dirt bag. Let her have him.

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Let me first apologize this will be a little long.

My husband and I have been married 14 years and together 19. We've had 5 children aging from 18 to 6 and one passed away. The past year I knew our marriage was in trouble. I changed the way I did things and treated him better but he did nothing on his end to change. At the end of May I found out he was having a full blown affair with a coworker so I naturally got angry and threw him out. Of course he ended up at her house. On June 9th I filed for divorce. He was devastated. By the 16th he was begging to come home. We talked for 2 days and set ground rules that we both agreed on. By the 19th he was back home. Then on the 27th I found out he had not cut off all contact with the other woman. Again I was angry and told him to leave. And of course he's back at her house again. July 2nd he comes to see the kids and we end up talking for 2 hours. He initiated the conversation wanting to know what WE have to do to "get right." I told him I was already resigned to the fact that we were getting a divorce. He said he never wanted that. I said there's no possible way we can work on us as long as he's living with another woman. He agreed but he also said it's not that easy to just up and leave her again after she's taken him in twice. No matter what people think of me, I am open to working things out with him. 19 years is a long time and I truly love this man. I've tried to ask him when he plans on coming home and he said he can't give me a time. I feel the longer he stays there the more chance there is he will change his mind about me and our family. He could also be leading this other woman on because I'm sure she doesn't know he told me he wants to come home. I don't want to keep bringing the subject up when he calls or comes by to see the kids because I feel it's going to push him away. I have and alway will be patient with him but here's the dilemma, in our state there's a 90 day waiting period for divorce before you actually go to court. It's been 30 for us already. Could he be waiting 60 more days before deciding to come home? I feel 10 days is long. I know none of you can read his mind but this is driving me insane. I can't eat, sleep or even function properly. I don't see him going through any of those things. I try to focus on the positive aspects but it's hard and I end up hiding out in the bathroom crying so my kids don't see me. I would like someone's opinion if they have been through or know someone that's been through a similar situation.

 

This is awful.

 

I haven't been in the situation and my knee jerk reaction is that there is NO FRICKIN WAY in hell I would be trying to work on anything with my husband who is living with his OW and says it's not easy to up and leave her twice...what the actual fccccukk?! So let me understand, he can leave his partner of 23 years and his children and go back to the OW twice and you all should just wait for him patiently and suck it up but he can't leave his affair partner of a year twice...this is utter nonsense and it's making my blood boil.

 

If my spouse said this to me, I'd not speak to him again and would just speak through our attorneys about the divorce.

 

I get that you love him, I do...but at this point he doesn't respect you and love and a marriage CANNOT exist without mutual respect. There is nothing here for you to do. You've done nothing wrong. You've been willing to hear him out and give him a chance yet he's taken you for a ride. As others have said, the ball in his court and he needs to be working OVER TIME to make it up to you and at this point, by his actions, he isn't even willing to do that. I'd move forward with the divorce.

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No matter what people think of me, I am open to working things out with him. 19 years is a long time and I truly love this man. I've tried to ask him when he plans on coming home and he said he can't give me a time. I feel the longer he stays there the more chance there is he will change his mind about me and our family.

 

 

... I know none of you can read his mind but this is driving me insane. I can't eat, sleep or even function properly. I don't see him going through any of those things. I try to focus on the positive aspects but it's hard and I end up hiding out in the bathroom crying so my kids don't see me. I would like someone's opinion if they have been through or know someone that's been through a similar situation.

 

 

OP -- the good 19 years you have had don't get erased just because he leaves now. He can't take those years away, your family has had them already.

 

 

Secondly, stop tormenting yourself with anxiety over what he will do. His actions are out of your control. Moreover, his move is pretty clear.

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I guess this is more about the house, the finances and the kids, than any love or respect for you.

 

Get all those romantic notions out of your head about soulmates, love everlasting and the one true love - start being practical here.

Your kids need you to fight for them and you need all oyur wits about you.

He is living with another women, he maybe thinks SHE is his soulmate, no matter what he is telling you.

Remember he is a liar and he has had no qualms lying to you.

 

Get an attorney, find out your rights and I guess then you will find out exactly why he is trying to keep you sweet.

Stop speaking to him, he may be just trying to find out what you are thinking and in your distressed state you may say too much.

He may be planning a big nasty surprise for you too legally, so keep schtum.

Keep any conversations merely about practicalities about the kids.

Do not get angry or abusive, he may be taping you to use as evidence later.

DO NOT trust him, he has chosen his side and you are not on it, his OW is.

Sorry!

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IfWishesWereHorses
As long as you allow him to keep doing this, he will.

You need to get a no nonsense attitude and make it clear you're going full steam ahead with the divorce.

 

 

 

- You need to read up on the 180 and prepare for a life without him

- Change the locks on your house , so he can't just drop in and let himself in.

- If he's coming to see the kids, let him in, then go out and return when he's leaving. Make sure you look good and are upbeat as you leave the house.

- Don't mope or cry when he's around.

- No more conversations unless it relates to the children or essential financial matters. Make it clear you won't be discussing reconciliation until he's out of his girlfriend's house

 

Don't be treated like this and remember he's also been in this marriage for 19 years and doesn't give a damn. If he did, he wouldn't be doing this.

 

BTW - What consequences has he faced so far?

Who knows about the affair? His family? Your family?

Exposure is very good for allowing the reality to set in.

 

I would also suggest that you can get support from an online support group specifically for infidelity, called:

 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity and Cheating

 

Good luck and don't ever be plan B.

 

THIS! Check out those links. No matter how you feel, 180 is the only choice! So sorry for what you are going through. Don't allow yourself to ruminate, it will keep your mind in s bad place. Now more than ever you need to get control over your thoughts to even somewhat control your emotions so that they don't control you. It's so heartbreaking, I know. 180 is your friend.

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He has been with her how long and he is afraid of hurting her and being fair? How long have you been married to him and is he treating you fairly?

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talk to a lawyer, at least understand the law and you, if husband is useless, plz do not trip yourself over, play smart

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ladydesigner
180 is your friend.

 

This ^ please 180 it is the only thing that has really helped me detach from the situation and see it with open eyes. The 180 is for YOU to get yourself back.

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Poppygoodwill

I find it very revealing that his reason for not doing as you ask (which is entirely reasonable) is that he can't just leave her when she's taken him in twice. In other words - he's more worried about hurting her feelings than yours. Which is not reasonable if he wants to work on his marriage with you.

 

I fear, as the others do, that he's wavering and she probably doesn't know that he's in talks with you. If you have the strength for it, you might want to cut him off at the pass and talk to her directly. Then you'll really know where you stand.

 

19 years is a long time and it must hurt like hell to face the prospect of walking away from it. But this situation reminds me of that old adage: you get exactly what you settle for. Don't settle for less than you deserve, which is a contrite, ashamed husband who is working his socks off to re-earn your trust and his place in your life.

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First off, I'm sorry.

 

Second, if you want the marriage, then definitely enroll the both of you in MC. I would also read the book "Not Just Friends" as it deals with a lot of the affair fog issues and how it can be difficult for the WS to detach from the affair partner, even if they want the marriage. If he enrolls in MC you will get a better idea of what is going on. But...I would insist that he move out of the affair partner's house. There is just no way he can really be trying to get back to you if he's with her. That is just totally unacceptable.

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still_an_Angel

I'm sorry but your WH isn't going back to the family home to re-commit to you. He would've gotten rid of his OW otherwise, cut all contact and show his true remorse by going to MC with you. He has done nothing to show you of his decision to stay with you because he wants both of you. Unless you are considering an open marriage, I don't think he wants to let go of his OW.

 

 

The ball is in your court, I understand that you have history with your H, have kids and have built a life with him and all that. But you have to stand firm and don't let him walk in and out and over you while he makes up his mind about "not hurting" his OW's feelings.

 

 

He's probably loving this tug-of-war between his W and OW, having both of you "wanting" him. I'm an OW myself but if this is my MM, I would've kicked his a** out and locked the door behind him the first time he returns to his wife.

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