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Can this work?


RebelDiamond

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RebelDiamond

I've been with my SO for 6 years and he's always come across as one of the good guys. Too good for me, I would sometimes think. Everything in the relationship was good for me except sex. It didn't happen often and when it did it was boring. I tried talking to him about it over the years but it didn't seem important to him. He's a really shy guy and the whole thing made him uncomfortable. He likes porn and in my opinion looked at it too much - when he first used my PC he downloaded stuff to a shared folder by mistake.

 

The other day I snooped when he left the PC logged in and found out he's been messaging a girl abroad with day to day chat as well as sexy talk and pictures from her. They knew each other before I met him and when I asked about her back then he said they rarely talked and she was just an internet friend. The sex chat started at some point during our relationship. I was in complete shock as it's just not the type of person I thought he was.

 

 

I confronted him and he was heartbroken that he'd hurt me. Once he'd had time to think why he was doing it he said it was because it was for some attention and to make him feel better about sex. He's very inexperienced and shy and completely lacks confidence. We've done nothing but talk the last 3 nights and been very open. I do have some issues too (self esteem) that he isn't completely aware. He's genuinely sorry and mortified at what he's done and will do anything to make it right.

 

I've been reading online about cheating and this certainly isn't physical but it isn't emotional either. Apart from the sex stuff he chatted about general life including me but there was never anything in it, it's like emails you'd send a mate. At one point she did say she was falling in love with him but he put her straight and said he loved me.

 

 

I love him and although things haven't been the best in the bedroom and I was starting to feel like his housemate I can see, with good communication, this working for us. It will take work from both of us but the talks we've had recently show that we can talk.

 

 

Sorry for the long post but I'd love to hear from people in a similar situation who tried to make it work and what happened with them.

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Repeated sexy interaction with another person is a problem. While it's not exactly cheating it's not conducive to a healthy relationship either. I would need those interactions to stop before going forward.

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acrosstheuniverse

Sorry to say but it seems he's engaged in an emotional affair. It doesn't matter all the sexy stuff is coming from her side, they're confiding in each other, sharing about their days, that stuff is fine with a platonic friend but your guy has no boundaries if he continues to pursue this intimate friendship knowing that she has feelings for him and is sending dirty pics. If I had a guy friend (I do have many) who flirted in some way or send me dirty pictures I'd shut that down and distance myself quickly, stop confiding in him and let my partner know. It's happened once or twice during my current relationship where what I thought was a friendship has been more on behalf of the 'friend' (long term friends that know my partner and everything) and I've done the above. If I'd just kept talking to him regularly, confiding in him, I would be tacitly accepting that what we were doing was something our partners wouldn't be comfortable with, and in my book that's pretty much akin to emotional cheating.

 

It's up to you if you want to work on this after six years, it's a long time, but I don't buy the 'I was talking to her to try get better at sex with you', presumably for a while he's known you're not happy in bed and he's chosen instead to pour attention into this other woman rather than work on your intimacy. This is severe enough that if you were to stay with him I'd be tempted to get some couples counselling, especially around the sexual issues, as it doesn't seem to be something you'll suddenly managed to fix alone with the added complication now of his semi-infidelity.

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RebelDiamond

It wasn't a daily thing and seemed mostly to start with her. It was like a penpal thing until the sex chat started but no confiding or sharing of feelings at all. There were months between messages. He said it was when he was feeling low. I've read a lot of forums but not found anything similar. He has deleted her from social media and said it was easy to do. I told him to let her know I knew and she replied saying she was sorry and wanted me to know it didn't mean anything and she knows how much he loved me. He was not trying to get better at sex for me. He was saying the things he wanted to do but could never do in real life.

 

A few sites recommend counselling and he said he would if that is what I wanted so I will look in to that.

 

I'd have been the first person to tell someone to leave after cheating. Funny how things change :(

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Based on your post, you are not going to leave your husband and it is entirely possible that this was not a EA. EAs dont go months without contact. He also has a problem with*wanting*to do some things wuth you and actually doing them. He is using porn as his outlet. The question now is do you want to make lemonade out of a lemon? Your husband is having a problem with the madonna/whore complex. He probably has put you on a mental pedestal and feels he can only do "good" with you, hence your statement that he is "too good" and your only problem is in the bedroom (boring). He also seems to be more comfortable talking about this with a safe (long distance) stranger. First, I think you need to reinforce boundaries. What he did was out of line. Then turn this into lemonade. Here are a few suggestions that I have tried that worked.

 

Communications: You and your husband could create a different online persona. Different names email addresses etc. This persona is free to say/be everything "spicy". When a wicked thought passes his/your mind, He can email you under "Rico Suave" .

Porn: Use porn to your advantage. Ever consider making him a solo tape? He would go bonkers.

Show him you can be the Madonna and also be"Esmeralda". My GF would send me some pretty wild stuff, while we were entertaining freinds and family at our poker parties. Occasionaly we would lock eyes, but stay in character.

I couldnt wait for them to leave.

This may be way out there or he may be a downright lieing scoundrel, however you can take this as a opportunity to change the dynamics of his "problem" into something fun

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It wasn't a daily thing and seemed mostly to start with her. It was like a penpal thing until the sex chat started but no confiding or sharing of feelings at all. There were months between messages. He said it was when he was feeling low.

 

You're doing an awful lot of projecting and rationalizing on his behalf. Also, being "heartbroken that he'd hurt me" and understanding his behavior is deceptive and wrong are two different things - he's essentially only sorry he got caught.

 

I agree counseling is the avenue to address the multiple issues regarding trust and sex in your relationship. If you sweep this under the rug you'll just encourage him to do it again...

 

Mr. Lucky

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RebelDiamond

 

Communications: You and your husband could create a different online persona. Different names email addresses etc. This persona is free to say/be everything "spicy". When a wicked thought passes his/your mind, He can email you under "Rico Suave" .

Porn: Use porn to your advantage. Ever consider making him a solo tape? He would go bonkers.

Show him you can be the Madonna and also be"Esmeralda". My GF would send me some pretty wild stuff, while we were entertaining freinds and family at our poker parties. Occasionaly we would lock eyes, but stay in character.

I couldnt wait for them to leave.

This may be way out there or he may be a downright lieing scoundrel, however you can take this as a opportunity to change the dynamics of his "problem" into something fun

 

 

Thanks. I like the idea of new email addresses. I would never be able to film myself though. I had major body image issues :(

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RebelDiamond
You're doing an awful lot of projecting and rationalizing on his behalf. Also, being "heartbroken that he'd hurt me" and understanding his behavior is deceptive and wrong are two different things - he's essentially only sorry he got caught.

 

I agree counseling is the avenue to address the multiple issues regarding trust and sex in your relationship. If you sweep this under the rug you'll just encourage him to do it again...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Oh, he knows he's done wrong. He's possible a bigger mess than me at the moment. Of course I'm not going to just sweep it under the rug! I want to turn this in to the relationship we should have had. If it doesn't work I will have at least known I've tried and I'll be prepared to go. It's not going to be easy, I know. I've found a counsellor nearby that I'd like to go to alone and with him.

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I am sorry that your SO has put you through this. I think like the rest of us here, we don't expect our partners to be someone other than the people that we know. I think we all here have been surprised over our wayward partners behavior.

 

Just like you I complained to my H over the years about the lack of sex and excitement in our M. But lo and behold he had it in him as I have the sexy texts, pics and story to prove it. The sad fact is that it wasn't with me. And although he was remorseful and I made the choice not to toss him or our M to the curb, this is something that still bothers me till this very day. It's been over 2 and half years since D Day.

 

I can say you are lucky because your SO never went through with a physical affair. But with things like Skype and video chat its hard to say if our SO's are doing other things online that cross that boundary and is considered sexual. No matter what...it is still betrayal. Once again with others that are not us. The fact that this is the thought in their mind...that they can be this "uninhibited person" with a stranger is hurtful.

 

I think its important to work harder on issues like reviving a stale sex life and communication before our partners make the stupid choice of making bad decisions. Ultimately these decisions destroy and scar our relationships for good.

 

In my case we have gotten better sexually, however... sexy text and pics don't happen...which sometimes makes me feel that this is not reserved for me and that person who did this to me may still be hiding somewhere in his heart. So the trust is not 100% there yet. And if over time our relationship doesn't reach 100% then I know I can't be with him. This is all part of the process we are going through.

 

I guess what it comes down to is all eyes and attention on you. The willingness to be open, honest and uninhibited has to be there for it to work. R is a lot of work.

 

Good Luck to you.

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did you tell him he needs to get better or improve in bed? there are a lot of guide out there to perform better in bed. watching porn to masturbate does not improve sexual performance but watching to learn about sexual position and foreplay can help. men aren't psychics. tell him about his performance and that you want better.

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Msnows post are sometimes way out there, but the point about using porn as a learning tool has merit. My GF wanted me too watch lesbian porn. I asked her did it turn her on. She smacked me upside the head and said this is a educational tape.

 

I paid attention. She "appreciated" my dedication to learning.

 

Take control OP. Counceling, yes, but some things you can do yourself.

 

(Hope that wasnt over the top)

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RebelDiamond

 

I can say you are lucky because your SO never went through with a physical affair. But with things like Skype and video chat its hard to say if our SO's are doing other things online that cross that boundary and is considered sexual. No matter what...it is still betrayal. Once again with others that are not us. The fact that this is the thought in their mind...that they can be this "uninhibited person" with a stranger is hurtful.

 

I think its important to work harder on issues like reviving a stale sex life and communication before our partners make the stupid choice of making bad decisions. Ultimately these decisions destroy and scar our relationships for good.

 

In my case we have gotten better sexually, however... sexy text and pics don't happen...which sometimes makes me feel that this is not reserved for me and that person who did this to me may still be hiding somewhere in his heart. So the trust is not 100% there yet. And if over time our relationship doesn't reach 100% then I know I can't be with him. This is all part of the process we are going through.

 

I guess what it comes down to is all eyes and attention on you. The willingness to be open, honest and uninhibited has to be there for it to work. R is a lot of work.

 

Good Luck to you.

 

Thank you for your post. I don't think he has it in him to have a PA as that's what's been the issue with us, his shyness in bed. Before me he went years without anyone.

 

It's not going to be easy but I'm going to work hard at getting a sex life we are both happy with. After days of me not even being able to look at him we had some nice times together over the weekend. It feels really strange to say but it's like we are starting out again and there's a bit of excitement at times. It makes me angry with myself that I didn't push it many years ago.

 

When this first happened and I didn't know if I'd go or stay I felt stuck about where to go. I now have a plan for if things don't work which helps as I know I'm not just there because I have nowhere else.

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RebelDiamond
did you tell him he needs to get better or improve in bed? there are a lot of guide out there to perform better in bed. watching porn to masturbate does not improve sexual performance but watching to learn about sexual position and foreplay can help. men aren't psychics. tell him about his performance and that you want better.

 

I have tried to talk to him in the past but now he realises how important it is and how bad things were. I've mentioned to him about real life porn and will find some to send to him.

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RebelDiamond
Msnows post are sometimes way out there, but the point about using porn as a learning tool has merit. My GF wanted me too watch lesbian porn. I asked her did it turn her on. She smacked me upside the head and said this is a educational tape.

 

I paid attention. She "appreciated" my dedication to learning.

 

Take control OP. Counceling, yes, but some things you can do yourself.

 

(Hope that wasnt over the top)

 

Thanks, that is what I will be doing. Just annoyed/angry that I didn't do it sooner. I honestly thought he just wasn't a sexual person.

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