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Sitting Here... Hand on the Key


TheOneYouHate

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TheOneYouHate

Okay I have my finger on the trigger to send this NC... I have been mulling it over for hours. How will I get over her... what will I do when I am without her.. My IC says send it. and do it now.. and I am having such a hard time.

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shermanator
I sent the NC... OMG.. I did it.

 

That's a good first step...

 

Honestly, having been in my own mess for a long time, the rest of the day and tomorrow and the next day and the next day and the next day, etc, are going to be even harder.

 

Dealing with the triggers and songs and memories is the hardest part for me.

 

Good luck!

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Southern Sun

It's good. That's good.

 

Have you blocked her? Please, you cannot allow a reply. It won't do you any good.

 

I haven't read your threads in a while, but if memory serves, I believe I recall in your initial threads that you weren't all that attracted to her. Forgive me if I'm wrong. I just recall you having a somewhat realistic view of her, in that you didn't view her as this perfect woman. Don't forget that now and make it something it wasn't. This was never about her. It was about how she made you feel.

 

Breathe.

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TheOneYouHate
How many NC letters have you sent her?

 

Well a few, but I didn't stick to the NC.. This time I was on the phone with my IC and she helped me through it. She also told me when I feel like going and checking to find her responses or on our chat app, that I am to write a letter to myself and all I have here, that I am worth it, etc. and send it to my IC and wait for a reply before doing anything.

 

It is not easy you know. Yeah I wrote more than one, and the more times I went away from the NC, the harder it got to send the next.

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I'm glad you have an IC to help you through this, and eventhough I am a BS so it's hard for me to understand what you are going through I Wish you and your wife well. Maybe you should block her number from your phone and delete email addresses and apps so the temptation to look will not be there? Just throwing some ideas out there.

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RightThere
Maybe you should block her number from your phone and delete email addresses and apps so the temptation to look will not be there? Just throwing some ideas out there.

 

That's not just an idea, that should be the very next step after sending the NC letter.

 

Otherwise the OP is just inviting trouble to keep coming into his life.

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Well a few, but I didn't stick to the NC.. This time I was on the phone with my IC and she helped me through it. She also told me when I feel like going and checking to find her responses or on our chat app, that I am to write a letter to myself and all I have here, that I am worth it, etc. and send it to my IC and wait for a reply before doing anything.

 

It is not easy you know. Yeah I wrote more than one, and the more times I went away from the NC, the harder it got to send the next.

 

Just because you've failed at NC a few times, it doesn't mean you should stop trying. Affairs can become an addiction. If anything, you and your OW are addicted to each other. Keep pushing yourself.

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Southern Sun
Just because you've failed at NC a few times, it doesn't mean you should stop trying. Affairs can become an addiction. If anything, you and your OW are addicted to each other. Keep pushing yourself.

 

Good point - many do fail at NC several times before getting it right.

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Southern Sun

And I don't get this - delete the freaking chat app! Or remove her from your contacts or block her! There has to be a way that you don't have to just sit there and wait for a reply. That will add to your anxiety and increase the likelihood that you will simply resume contact and have to do this all over again.

 

Trying to help :)

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Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't telling someone you are going NC still C??

 

 

Especially since you have already broken NC a number of times.

 

 

Now it will be a little different if your attorney is sending an official NC order if someone is harassing you or stalking you or something, but telling someone you are NC is simply a C hoping for some kind of response.

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lollipopspot
Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't telling someone you are going NC still C??

 

 

Especially since you have already broken NC a number of times.

 

 

Now it will be a little different if your attorney is sending an official NC order if someone is harassing you or stalking you or something, but telling someone you are NC is simply a C hoping for some kind of response.

 

That's what I wonder. Why tell someone you're not going to have contact? Why not just...stop contact?

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Lois_Griffin
Well a few, but I didn't stick to the NC.. This time I was on the phone with my IC and she helped me through it. She also told me when I feel like going and checking to find her responses or on our chat app, that I am to write a letter to myself and all I have here, that I am worth it, etc. and send it to my IC and wait for a reply before doing anything.

 

It is not easy you know. Yeah I wrote more than one, and the more times I went away from the NC, the harder it got to send the next.

That's why NC letters are worthless. They're only as effective as the INTENTIONS behind them.

 

It just sounds like a whole bunch of teenage drama.

 

You REALLY want to cut contact? Delete all the apps you used to be in contact, block their number, block their email. Otherwise, it's just another pitiful show.

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Drama

 

YOU: I am not going to contact you.

Her: OK, if that is what you want, but love you.

YOU: Oh dear, wanna meet up.

Her: Sounds like a plan. :)

 

YOU: I am really not going to contact you, I am going to block everything.

Her: OK, love you.

You: Love you too

Her: Saturday?

YOU: Suits me.

 

YOU: I really mean it this time I am not going to contact you.

Her: Fine...(getting annoyed)

 

YOU: Are you listening to me? I said I am not going to contact you.

... (wtf)

 

YOU: Did you hear what I said?

Her:...

 

YOU: Please, please talk to me...

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TheOneYouHate
How are you doing with the NC?

 

At times very good, other times i am so tempted to go look and see what here reply was or look on the chat app to see what she said. I will tell you it is the hardest thing i have ever done. I know for all the BS out there, you are thinking yeah try it from our end.. and I get that. I am very anxious and get depressed at times and it has not even been 48 hours yet. It is an addiction. So I have been trying to fill my time with spending time with my wife, and doing things with her. It is really hard to reconnect, because as they say I have re-written history. I know that my AP is not an option for me, but oh yeah the temptation is there, and especially when I am alone or first wake up in the morning. I am trying to stick it out and my IC says it will get better with time. I dread going to work tomorrow, because we always chatted a lot from there. Oh BTW I was supposed to be on my way up to see her today for the entire next week, oh I would have only gotten her part time, but I chose not to go and send the NC.

 

So another day into the NC, feeling pretty sketchy, but I have good moments that I feel like I have my freedom back, hat I don't have to lie, and text what I am doing or worry about what she is doing (even though I still do at this point). I had a tremendous obsession with her and let her own my self worth, and it took over my life. I used to be this fun, witty, life of the party guy and I turned into this neurotic, anxious, worried, depressed pain in the ass. So I am trying to find my new self or the old self before the A.

 

Thanks for asking the status. I definitely need support and a lot of your thoughts and prayers.

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autumnnight
That's what I wonder. Why tell someone you're not going to have contact? Why not just...stop contact?

 

This is part of a plan for reconciliation when an A is discovered by the BS. The BS is supposed to see the NC letter, approve it, and send it.

 

But like much of that overall, cohesive, original plan, bits and pieces of it taken out of context have now become weird permutations that everyone, regardless of circumstances, MUST do.

 

If the BS does not know about the A and is not involved, one could argue it's just a show for ones' self.

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That's good, you are doing the right thing! You need to take the next step and delete the app, email addresses and block her number. It will make things easier for you to maintain NC. Have you thought about telling your wife?

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TheOneYouHate
That's good, you are doing the right thing! You need to take the next step and delete the app, email addresses and block her number. It will make things easier for you to maintain NC. Have you thought about telling your wife?

 

It has crossed my mind to tell my wife, but I have read so many articles on whether to or not, that i am just not convinced it is the thing to do. I am sure that every case is different and it depends on the person you are telling, but I am just not sure yet.

 

Still working on staying away from my AP..

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gettingstronger
It has crossed my mind to tell my wife, but I have read so many articles on whether to or not, that i am just not convinced it is the thing to do. I am sure that every case is different and it depends on the person you are telling, but I am just not sure yet.

 

Still working on staying away from my AP..

 

 

 

You know telling your wife is the right thing to do- it would help with staying away from the AP too- so deep down you know its not a question of if you should, its a question of if you have the guts to do it-

 

Gently, you are wishy washy and are having a hard time making any decisions and sticking to them- is this how you want to continue to live your life- in limbo, unable to make decisions- it sounds not fun-

 

And no, I don't hate you- I feel sorry for you because I would think the inability to do something, anything would be really draining on ones self esteem-

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waterwoman
It has crossed my mind to tell my wife, but I have read so many articles on whether to or not, that i am just not convinced it is the thing to do. I am sure that every case is different and it depends on the person you are telling, but I am just not sure yet.

 

Still working on staying away from my AP..

 

Confessing can seriously concentrate the mind on your spouse and it might just help break your 'addiction' to the affair. Because right now you have too much leisure to think of OW while your marriage can be put on the backburner.

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TheOneYouHate

Yeah I broke the NC by emailing her, and checking to see the reply. I think that the NC is good when you have a D-Day and that NC is used to show your commitment to your marriage, but I want to end this in a manner that is consistent with ending any relationship. I know you will disagree, but I was wigging out, having suicidal thoughts, Dr. was giving me this medication and the other. I do not think that this woman is the one for me, and I just want to let her know via normal means that this is ending. Maybe ease into that. She seems to understand, she seems supportive of helping to make me better, and breaking this anxiety-worry cycle I have with her. I believe I can live without her. Maybe I am making excuses but the NC seemed like a bad way to go for me, it just drove me crazy. I just need to man up and tell her that even though I have feelings for her that I am not going to proceed with this relationship and that it just doesn't work for me and doesn't make me happy. I think these few days away from the situation have made me realize what it is. I know it is wrong and I want to fix it. I know that I can never be with her, and that I don't want to be with her. I want to fix my marriage and get things back on track there. It is hard to see myself staying in my marriage sometimes, but we will work through it and ultimately I believe it is where I want to be.

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inappfriendly

TheOne, I get it. Despite what all the "rules" of NC require, at the end of the day, you have to finish this up in a way that feels right to YOU. My A died an unnatural death (I cut contact and went cold turkey with no explanation) and I am STILL struggling TWO YEARS LATER. I wish I would have been strong enough at the time to have a civil conversation about what we had been through together and why it needed to end.

Wishing you all good things as you move forward in your M!

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The only way your going to be able to move on is to tell your wife, bottom line. You need support to break this off for good and it is blatantly obvious that you are stuck in a cycle. Tell your wife and move on, your focus needs to be on your wife and not on her.

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