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Deeply in love with my mistress


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Hello,

 

I want to keep this as short as I can..I have no one to go to. Please read and hear me out. I have been with my wife for 11 years, we have been married for 6. We have 2 kids one is just a few months old. I have not been happy with my life the for the past few years but I love my family. A little over a year ago there was a new woman at my job and I feel as though I fell for her instantly. We started texting and talking everyday and hanging out as much as I could. Two months in she found out I was married, she stopped talking to me after that..We then continued to see eachother again after a week. I love this woman so much that I cancel work to hang out with her. I use every possible excuse to see her, she is everything I could want and makes me so happy. She then found out my wife was pregnant 2 months after we got back together and she left me. I couldn't think I couldn't eat, I couldn't even work, I turned into a whole new, sad person..we talked it out and got back together, she has tried to leave me multiple times but we can't stay away from eachother. I can't let her go. I get upset whenever she goes out, or even talks to a guy to try to move on. I don't know what to do. I'm not a bad guy and I don't want to be judged but I am so confused..I never felt this way about a woman, not even my wife. The things I do for her I haven't even done for the woman I've been with for 11 years. Even when my wife gave birth the first person I saw that day was her. I can only think of her and us having a future. Please don't get me wrong I love my kids and I do everything I can for them but I don't want to stay with my wife any longer. My mind wants to, but my heart doesn't. My wife has had suspicions and didn't talk for a day after she found out but still, even on the verge of losing her...I still went to be with my mistress. She makes me the happiest I have ever been and I can't explain the connection we have. It's not just sex it's so much deeper, so much. I am hurting both of them and myself as well. I have never been in this situation before. I don't know if I should stay with my wife and live an unhappy life thinking about my lover or divorce her. But if I divorce her, my kids..what about my kids..I am so lost and hurt. Has anyone been in this situation before?:(

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The obvious issue here are those kids of yours, as outlined in your last sentence in your original post. Without them, your life wouldn't be as confusing. Go no contact on the kids, divorce your wife and be with the mistress. Problem solved?

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shermanator

Pretty much everyone here has been in a position that's close to yours...

 

I, too, fell in love with an OW, tried to break it off a few times, have gone NC, blah, blah, blah. No easy answers. Lots of opinions, though.

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Go no contact. In time you will forget about the OW.

 

It would help if you stop idolizing her too and start idolizing your wife instead.

 

George Bernard Shaw said, "Love consists of overestimating the differences between one woman and another."

Edited by Popsicle
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It is very unfortunate that you had another child while you were not feeling fully committed to your marriage. You knew you were not happy with your life and you decided to have another child. Did the affair start after you found out your wife was pregnant with child #2? I don't have much advice, I think it is important for a husband to love his wife. I don't think it is fair to your wife if you stay just because of the kids. You need to love your wife.

 

Did you say that your wife found out about your affair? You said she didn't talk to you for a day after she found out. Does she want to stay married to you? This is so complicated with a new baby involved. If you do get a D, just make sure you stay involved in your children's lives. Make them your first priority. I think it is important for your kids to have happy parents who love each other.

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ThatsJustHowIRoll

Please set your wife free so she can find someone to love her the way she deserves.

 

And tell her why you are leaving so she doesn't blame herself. You owe her that much.

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I have not been happy with my life the for the past few years...

 

why haven't you been happy with your life for the past few years...? there has to be a reason, what is it? did you ever talk to your W about it, did you ever try to work on it?

 

Two months in she found out I was married... She then found out my wife was pregnant...

 

why did you lie to her...? twice...?

 

My wife has had suspicions and didn't talk for a day after she found...

 

so your W knows about the A...?

 

what about my kids...

 

you'll divorce your W, not your kids and you'll see them half of the time at most + will co - parent with your W. that's it.

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File for divorce and be with the love of your life. Your wife deserves a man who loves her and she has a chance to find one if you man up.

 

Right now you're being selfish. As you love your mistress so much, I'm sure you want to be with her openly and honestly, otherwise she will doubt your love.

 

Do it while the kids are young enough to adapt and get used to seperate homes , your Mistress and any new man your wife may get together with.

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i think you know what you have to do, so i'm not sure what it is you're looking for. as long as you two work together, this is never gonna end. either you stop cheating on your wife and come clean or get a divorce and set her free from your cheating ways.

 

and believe me, what you say you feel about this person is nothing new, different, or original... keep reading on this forum, you'll know what i mean.

 

i say it's time to MAN-UP.

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Go no contact. In time you will forget about the OW.

 

It would help if you stop idolizing her too and start idolizing your wife instead.

 

George Bernard Shaw said, "Love consists of overestimating the differences between one woman and another."

 

Agreed. The grass isn't greener on the other side; it's greener where you water it.

 

Your only logical, ethical, healthy, and moral choices here are to either fix your marriage or leave it. I'd bet you made vows to do the former. And that your wife and kids are counting on you.

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11 years with the same woman, kids, pregnancy, tiredness, sleepless nights, mundane tasks, toys, laundry, supermarkets, responsibility - all pretty boring...

 

Along comes Miss Single - full of life, Love, sex on tap, hanging out, all just like a high school romance again. Wow!

 

BUT it is a dream. Miss Single will eventually want kids she will want a house, she will want you to be Mr Mundane&Boring, OR Miss Single will get tired of Mr Cheater, she will wise up, she will go find her own Mr Right and Mr Cheater is left alone with visitation rights to his kids whilst his wife and kids now call another man Daddy.

 

Think on.

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You are not ConfuSed.

 

 

You are just SELFISH!

 

 

So here is a plan I have outlined for you.

 

 

Be a Man.

 

 

Step 1. Tell your wife about your GF. Tell her the entire truth.

 

 

Step 2. Ask for a divorce.

 

 

Step 3. Be sincere and keep it amicable.

 

 

Step 4. Let your GF know you are divorcing your wife for her.

 

 

Step 5. Watch your GF slowly come to the realization that the man she says she loves is selfish, a liar, a cheater and is willing to give up his wife, children and marriage for a selfish fantasy.

 

 

Step 6. When your GF breaks up with you be man enough to wish her well.

 

 

Step 7. You are alone. A every other weekend Dad. You finally realize just how selfish you have been with all your decisions and decide to apologize to your STBXW. She tells you you can "Go to Hell!".

 

 

Be a Man and accept it.

 

 

Those are the steps you need to follow. Be honest. Set your wife free. And be prepared for any and all consequences be cause you deserve them.

 

 

HM

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Your wife is already on to your games so you'll be in divorce court in no time. Since you were desperate before the affair the affair fog has a much stronger effect on you, so you aren't functioning, which means you are useless to your kids anyway. Time to make a real decision; you'll be the boo-man and judged anyway because you've already cheated. It doesn't make a difference.

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Lois_Griffin
We started texting and talking everyday and hanging out as much as I could. Two months in she found out I was married, she stopped talking to me after that.

Ugh. You're one of those sleazy types who purposely DON'T mention you're married in order to con innocent women. Got it. Utterly deplorable. And don't bother trying to claim she didn't ASK so it's her fault.

 

We then continued to see each other again after a week.

Then she's a damned fool for having so little respect for herself that she'd give you the time of day after your sleazy 2-month con job.

 

I'm not a bad guy and I don't want to be judged but I am so confused..

What the hell were you doing having ANOTHER kid with your wife if you clearly don't love her? All you did was tether the poor woman to you with another kid whose an infant. Smart move.

Please don't get me wrong I love my kids and I do everything I can for them ...

Surely you don't believe that? How can you say that with a straight face? All you've done with your unbelievably selfish behavior is completely turn their lives upside down because you've removed ALL their familial security. All of it. They're now on borrowed time before the sh*t hits the fan and the family is forever broken apart. You haven't done anything for anyone but YOURSELF.

 

I still went to be with my mistress. She makes me the happiest I have ever been and I can't explain the connection we have. It's not just sex it's so much deeper, so much. I am hurting both of them and myself as well. I have never been in this situation before. I don't know if I should stay with my wife and live an unhappy life thinking about my lover or divorce her. But if I divorce her, my kids..what about my kids..I am so lost and hurt. Has anyone been in this situation before?:(

There are 9 "I"'s in the paragraph above.

 

It's just all about you, you, you.

 

Your wife deserves to be with someone who actually has integrity, character, and loyalty. You don't possess any of those traits. I think it was an all time low having another child with her when you knew damned well you didn't want to be there. But hey, she'll be the one taking care of the kids 90% of the time, so its not like you're really going to be inconvenienced, right? You'll have plenty of time to spend with your princess while your wife raises your children. Disgusting.

 

You'll forgive me if I don't get out my crying towel and join you in your pity party for yourself?

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gettingstronger

Make a decision one way or another and stick to it-

 

You are hurting both women with your indecision- your OW is trying to protect herself but you are not helping her by going back to her over and over again- your wife is trying to raise kids and live a life-you are not helping her by lying and cheating on her-

 

If you truly love your OW, leave your wife and be with her- as a BS I can tell you- no one wants to be second, no one wants to be with someone that doesn't want to be with them- you are not doing either of these women any favors by playing them both-

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Lois_Griffin

Step 5. Watch your GF slowly come to the realization that the man she says she loves is selfish, a liar, a cheater and is willing to give up his wife, children and marriage for a selfish fantasy.

Well unfortunately, this theory has huge holes in it.

 

His 'girlfriend' is the type that doesn't even respect HERSELF. After she found out he'd purposely conned her for 2 months by not telling her he was married with kids, she degraded herself and came right back to him. I wouldn't be surprised if she laid on the floor to let him wipe his shoes off on her back first.

 

So she has no pride or self respect at ALL and is actually the perfect 'girlfriend' for a lying cheater.

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If you have any doubts as to how an OW really feels then spend some time on the OW/OM part of the forum. Learn how it feels to be a BS, by spending time on the Infidelity section. Broken hearts everywhere.

 

YOU are a conflict-avoidant, cake eater, hooked on a feeling - man up and do what is best for all concerned, especially your poor wife and kids, and stop the "poor me", "I'm confused" attitude.

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Two months in she finds out you are married, you forgot to mention that trivial little point, don't you wear a wedding ring? What kind of guy forgets to mention that little detail, a player would forget that kind of detail. I think your days are numbered, you better be making plans for what it is that you really want because very soon that choice won't be yours to make. I would bet money that your wife is watching your actions and deciding if you deserve a second chance. If you decide it's your family you want but haven't been doing the hard work to save your a$$ and a place in that family because you have been too focused on the O/W, well you know what a freight train looks like.

 

Just think of how fondly your wife will remember the birth of your second child regardless if you survive this or not. Decide what it is that you want while you still have a choice. Try being honest for a while.

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gettingstronger
If you have any doubts as to how an OW really feels then spend some time on the OW/OM part of the forum. Learn how it feels to be a BS, by spending time on the Infidelity section. Broken hearts everywhere.

 

YOU are a conflict-avoidant, cake eater, hooked on a feeling - man up and do what is best for all concerned, especially your poor wife and kids, and stop the "poor me", "I'm confused" attitude.

 

 

 

Amen sister- no matter what side of the triangle you find yourself on- BS or OW- we are all united in that it hurts and being played by selfish people is unacceptable- that is the one point we all seem to agree on-

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That's lowest of the low: Seeing the 'deeply in love' mistress while at the same time managed to get his UNloved wife pregnant.

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So she has no pride or self respect at ALL and is actually the perfect 'girlfriend' for a lying cheater.

 

or an idiot

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Are you sure you aren't my ex? You sound JUST like him and your story is similar to mine. 11 years, 6 years with a child (almost married but didn't) and he cheated too. He did it multiple times though.

 

I will tell you what happened after I found out he was cheating on me (again). He got kicked out, his OW/GF turned into a psycho demon making it impossible for us to co-parent, he lost his job, moved to another state and is MISERABLE. Turns out the "cute little girl" paying attention to him at work and willing to sneak around to be in a relationship with him while knowing he was already involved isn't so great after all. She's a nutcase and being with her isn't as awesome as he thought it would be.

 

That's what is going to happen to YOU. Other people have said it... the grass is NEVER greener on the other side. She just seems like the perfect person for you because she doesn't have to clean up your dirty underpants on the floor, cook, clean, work, take care of your children and so on. If you leave your wife, or get kicked out when she finds out what you've been doing, you can only thank yourself for the misery you'll go through. You won't see your children as often and your OW will likely make it difficult for you to do so at all, or your wife will make it difficult for you to do so if your OW treats her and your kids poorly.

 

It will NOT be some perfect romance because of the way you started it all. Deep down inside you will both know how it came to be and that will fester until it erodes your relationship with her away. Very rarely does it work out well for all. Even the OW on here that feel like their relationship with their MM worked out in the end still have issues of some sort. It's never a "ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after" scenario. You have children to think about.

 

WAKE UP. Marriages are NOT easy. You have to work at it. You have to learn how to communicate your needs/desires and find a way to get them met for BOTH of you. If it's boring now after 11 years, it's because one or both of you let that happen. Instead of investing all of your time and energy into sneaking around for some floozy at work, why didn't you put that effort into your marriage? You say you did things for your OW that you've never done for your wife. Why not? Why haven't you given your wife your all?

 

Your best bet at this point is to get a different job, tell your wife everything, get counseling and HOPE that she still loves you enough to want to work through this with you and salvage your marriage. If you can't do all that, then divorce her, tell her the whole truth and let her move on to find someone who WILL love and respect her. Oh and... start being a father to your kids full time. You can't be doing a very good job of that if you are so wrapped up in some other woman.

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