Is she cheating??

[Sharpie77]

Been married nine years - together 12. Two small kids. She initiated divorced beginning of March - said I had become emotionally disconnected and that she had tried to pull me back - but that she had gotten to the point where she felt she could not do it anymore. There is some truth to that. I believe she does feel hurt.

 

We lost our first child at birth in 2008. It changed us in many subtle ways. I know it made me put up emotional barriers - just trying to protect myself.

 

Anyway, since she started the proceedings - I've been working very hard to "find" myself again. I have been largely successful and feel closer to who I used to be than I have been in ages.

 

I have been a better husband and father and everything else - she acknowledges it - but it has done nothing to change her mind. Yes - we've kind of gone in fits and starts - sometimes she is charging forward - then there are times she seems unsure.

 

We've been getting along okay - actually not bad at all. Spending time together.

 

Anyway, the other day a message popped up on her phone from a guy and it had a very suggestive tone to it. She was out of the room - but I saw it. It appeared to be from one of her clients (she is a hair stylist). I let it go - but it ate up at me. I just never would have thought she would fool around behind my back before the papers were signed.

 

I finally could not take it anymore. Her phone was out and I looked and there was a fairly long message string. I feel like crap for looking - that said - she has gone through my phone before. I left it home one day and she went through my phone looking for evidence that I was fooling around (this was before she asked to split up) and then once after we split up she saw some messages (she said she just came upon them while helping the kids with my iPad) where I said some kind of mean things about her (there is a back story about that).

 

The message string only goes back to the beginning of June. He contacts her - asks her if her divorce is still going on - she responds yes (enthusiastically). There is some talk about something happening between them - I took it to be a singular event - where something was happening but one or both of them froze up. He was kind of checking in with her to see if they were still cool - she played it off as not a big deal - she said something like this is weird for both of us (he is also apparently recently divorced).

 

There is a lot of banter about getting a haircut - he at one point makes a reference to a "naughty" haircut and she says she is always up for something naughty. A little later he asks if it will be a normal haircut or a naked haircut and she says it's probably not a good time of the month for a naked haircut.

 

She asks to meet him for drinks several times - seems like he is always busy. She apparently had plans to have dinner and drinks with him this past Friday (she had told me she had plans to have dinner with a friend) - but it fell through.

 

She mentions she ran into a woman (must have been his ex) while out. He asks if she remembered her.

 

It's just a very flirtatious, suggestive message string. The only thing that might be a smoking gun - I guess - is the early stuff about him apologizing for what happened and freezing up and getting weird and so on.

 

I would NEVER have suspected this.

 

I know where we are headed - but the papers have not been signed and I see this - if it is true - as the ultimate betrayal. We have both been in relationships where we have been cheated on in the past - we both know how devastating it is.

 

What do I do????

 

I think I have to confront her. I need to hear it from her mouth. We're getting divorced anyway. I know she will be upset. I know she will be defensive. She will accuse me of invading her privacy (which she has done to me before). She will try and spin it around on me.

 

My soul is clean, however. I have never cheated in any manner and even now - I have walked the straight line and would never have considered doing anything until we were final and some time has passed.

 

We have two small kids!!

 

The hard part is that we are still living together - we had talked about "nesting" but it never came to pass because she could never find anyone to take her in on her nights. Her sister and her friend both backed out on her - and now I'm wondering if they knew something was going on. I know a lot of people don't support her actions - but it was always framed like "they don't understand why I'm not fighting harder" and again - I wonder if there was more going on that people knew or suspected.

 

As it is written up right now - and we have a copy of the draft of the settlement agreement - we get pretty much a 50/50 split of everything (including the kids). I get the house as long as I can refinance.

 

I'll admit - I'm scared to confront her because 1) I will have to admit I snooped and 2) because her defense mechanism is to get mad and I just want to get out of this as clean as possible right now.

 

That said - I can't continue living with her if she is carrying on with someone else behind my back.

 

What do you all think? What do I do? My god, I wish I'd never seen the original text message...

[autumnnight]

I don't think she's cheating. I think she is exhausted and done, and you are looking for something besides you being the problem. However, I have no doubt that there will be plenty of people who disagree with me.

[Sharpie77]

Why do you think she is not cheating?

[autumnnight]

You do not have real evidence. But like I said, you will have a whole list of people tell you otherwise and give you a shopping list for the spy store.

 

All these distancing and talking to other friends actions can be the behavior of someone who is just....finished. But to hammers, everything is a nail.

[Sharpie77]

I guess I fail to see how I'm the "bad guy" in this situation.

 

I never gave anything less than 110% to my family. She may have perceived it as less - but I never left anything for myself.

 

I loved her and cherished her and I'm sorry if that wasn't enough for her.

 

I've worked my butt off to find myself again.

 

I know this is headed down a one way path that isn't going to end how I want it to end.

 

...that said...how can I not feel somewhat betrayed?

[Sharpie77]

You do not have real evidence. But like I said, you will have a whole list of people tell you otherwise and give you a shopping list for the spy store.

 

All these distancing and talking to other friends actions can be the behavior of someone who is just....finished. But to hammers, everything is a nail.

 

I hear you and that does trouble me - all I have is a text message string and no - at this point - I don't think I want that shopping list for the spy store!

 

All this being said - it has hit me hard. Really hard.

 

Do I at least ask her about it? I don't want to accuse - I want to ask. "Hey, I saw a message come up on your phone - is there anything going on?"

 

I don't want to throw something in her face and say WTF?!?

 

I'm just scared because I don't know what to do. If she is already seeing someone while we're still living together and before the papers have even been signed - I guess I kind of want to know. I feel like I deserve the truth.

 

I don't know - is it easier to heal when you know what you're healing from or does it just fester when you constantly wonder what happened??

[Sharpie77]

You do not have real evidence. But like I said, you will have a whole list of people tell you otherwise and give you a shopping list for the spy store.

 

All these distancing and talking to other friends actions can be the behavior of someone who is just....finished. But to hammers, everything is a nail.

 

I don't doubt that the distancing and talking to other friends actions are the behavior of someone who is just finished. I guess it a little differently if she's already working on my replacement before we've even gone our separate ways. I don't feel I've deserved that. I'm a good guy - heart of gold. I've been hurt like this before - I know the sting and the pain.

[autumnnight]

I don't think you're the bad guy. I do think you are grasping at straws trying to find some other reason besides unhappiness for her leaving. It is very understandable. It doesn't make it so.

[Sharpie77]

I don't think you're the bad guy. I do think you are grasping at straws trying to find some other reason besides unhappiness for her leaving. It is very understandable. It doesn't make it so.

 

I guess I don't think anything happened BEFORE she decided to end our relationship. I'm thinking this has started AFTER she had made her decision.

 

I don't know if people consider that cheating - or not - but I guess I still see it as a betrayal - or at least a really bad kick in the gut.

 

Do I ask her if she's already found someone else? I don't know how I can handle being around her and not knowing because I'm going to be tearing myself apart. It's one thing when she is out with friends - but before I suspected anything - I just figured she was out with friends. We respected one another too much to treat this end without dignity - but now when she's out I'm going to struggle with wondering what she's up to.

 

I'm going to have a hard time trusting her even as a co-parent.

 

This is just already complicating an already messy situation...and just when I thought maybe I could get through this somewhat intact - this has to happen.

[m.snow]

doesn't really matter though, your divorcing already.

 

Focus your Energy on yourself & on your kids.

 

great you agreed on the 50/50.

 

hope there is no alimony & no child support later?

 

fact that your trying to find out if she is having an affair. you're not focusing on yourself or your kids.

 

you can ask her if she's having an affair maybe after signing the papers.

have your attorney's seen that agreement. it has to be a full proof 50/50 and no changes in the future.

 

important to have YOUR attorney look at the document. and not just hers

[Sharpie77]

doesn't really matter though, your divorcing already.

 

Focus your Energy on yourself & on your kids.

 

great you agreed on the 50/50.

 

hope there is no alimony & no child support later?

 

fact that your trying to find out if she is having an affair. you're not focusing on yourself or your kids.

 

you can ask her if she's having an affair maybe after signing the papers.

have your attorney's seen that agreement. it has to be a full proof 50/50 and no changes in the future.

 

important to have your attorney look at the document.

 

No alimony. Child support is held open because we both make the same amount and we have 50/50 split - so if one of us suddenly makes more money that would/could change.

[m.snow]

Do I ask her if she's already found someone else? I don't know how I can handle being around her and not knowing because I'm going to be tearing myself apart. It's one thing when she is out with friends - but before I suspected anything - I just figured she was out with friends. We respected one another too much to treat this end without dignity - but now when she's out I'm going to struggle with wondering what she's up to.

 

I'm going to have a hard time trusting her even as a co-parent.

 

This is just already complicating an already messy situation...and just when I thought maybe I could get through this somewhat intact - this has to happen.

 

wow focus on your self dude. be an alpha! time to look for other women alot of women.

 

focus on your career. look forward.

[davidromero43]

Sounds like she is moving on. You should probably as well. Is it really cheating if there are papers to divorce?

[Sharpie77]

wow focus on your self dude. be an alpha! time to look for other women alot of women.

 

focus on your career. look forward.

 

You're right and I have been focusing on myself and my kids. I know what I need to do. That said - the thought that she has not been honest with me really hurts.

 

We buried a child together.

 

I have been beaten up from Day 1 about how badly I treated her - which is not true at all. She has accused me of cheating - yes! She has accused me of at least emotionally cheating with someone else.

[Sharpie77]

Sounds like she is moving on. You should probably as well. Is it really cheating if there are papers to divorce?

 

No...and that is the problem. Why do I care? I guess I care because I want to feel like I can trust her and I still see that as a major violation of our trust. I don't know - this is all really new to me and my head is spinning.

 

I don't know if I'll say anything or not - don't know what to do....

[Cephalopod]

Wives usually check out emotionally LONG before they ever let their husbands know what is happening. They take time to get everything set up for a soft landing for themselves before they lower the boom on hubby. By the time they let the husband know, they are so far checked out and detached there is no getting them back.

 

This is where she is now my friend. She has probably been detaching from you for a couple years now and, well, she's not really concerned about how it makes you feel because, well, she doesn't care about you anymore. It really is that cold and simple.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. It has happened to countless men. Welcome to the 21st Century.

[m.snow]

No alimony. Child support is held open because we both make the same amount and we have 50/50 split - so if one of us suddenly makes more money that would/could change.

 

did your attorney see the documents?

[Sharpie77]

Just got the draft yesterday. They will be looked over, however.

[autumnnight]

No...and that is the problem. Why do I care? I guess I care because I want to feel like I can trust her and I still see that as a major violation of our trust. I don't know - this is all really new to me and my head is spinning.

 

I don't know if I'll say anything or not - don't know what to do....

 

I can understand why you would care. Divorce or no divorce, you still love her, and the idea that she would care for someone else is very painful. That makes sense to me.

 

Think of it this way, though this divorce was never your idea, if it goes through, it will be an ending. But it will also be a beginning. You have learned a lot about yourself through the process, and you have improved yourself. This means that someone out there is going to get a very good man.

[Sharpie77]

Wives usually check out emotionally LONG before they ever let their husbands know what is happening. They take time to get everything set up for a soft landing for themselves before they lower the boom on hubby. By the time they let the husband know, they are so far checked out and detached there is no getting them back.

 

This is where she is now my friend. She has probably been detaching from you for a couple years now and, well, she's not really concerned about how it makes you feel because, well, she doesn't care about you anymore. It really is that cold and simple.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. It has happened to countless men. Welcome to the 21st Century.

 

That's what kills me - however - you're saying she's been doing everything she's accused me of!

[m.snow]

No...and that is the problem. Why do I care? I guess I care because I want to feel like I can trust her and I still see that as a major violation of our trust. I don't know - this is all really new to me and my head is spinning.

 

I don't know if I'll say anything or not - don't know what to do....

 

WHAT EVER YOU DO,

- DONT SCREAM AT HER!

- DONT CALL HER NAMES

- DONT EVER HIT HER

 

can be used against you in a custody battle.

 

if your gonna talk about it do it outside the house. probably cafe or something. never go emotional just get the truth keep it in walk away.

[Sharpie77]

I can understand why you would care. Divorce or no divorce, you still love her, and the idea that she would care for someone else is very painful. That makes sense to me.

 

Think of it this way, though this divorce was never your idea, if it goes through, it will be an ending. But it will also be a beginning. You have learned a lot about yourself through the process, and you have improved yourself. This means that someone out there is going to get a very good man.

 

I know - that is kind of how I feel.

 

I just don't know how to handle this part. Do I just let it go or do I ask her about it?

[Cephalopod]

That's what kills me - however - you're saying she's been doing everything she's accused me of!

 

It's called transferrence. My cheating ex-wife did the same thing to me. No, your wife is gone Sharpie. You are crud to her...lower than pond scum. Time to get your legal ducks in a row and gird your loins for battle. You are in for a rough ride.

[Sharpie77]

WHAT EVER YOU DO,

- DONT SCREAM AT HER!

- DONT CALL HER NAMES

- DONT EVER HIT HER

 

can be used against you in a custody battle.

 

if your gonna talk about it do it outside the house. probably cafe or something. never go emotional just get the truth keep it in walk away.

 

I hear ya, man. Thanks for advice.

[karnak]

 

I have been a better husband and father and everything else - she acknowledges it - but it has done nothing to change her mind. Yes - we've kind of gone in fits and starts - sometimes she is charging forward - then there are times she seems unsure.

 

We've been getting along okay - actually not bad at all. Spending time together.

 

 

 

What do you all think? What do I do? My god, I wish I'd never seen the original text message...

 

Personally, I think she's been cheating on you. All that story of her accusing you of being emotionally distant, etc, is common in many cheaters. They accuse the betrayed spouse of stuff that's not real in order to minimize their own guilt or to mentally justify their cheating.

 

After some time reading stories like yours on LS I've come to realize that, many times, when a spouse (usually a husband) changes his behaviour in marriage towards more positive behaviour (being more attentive, better father, helping more at home, etc) often the reward he gets is a cheating spouse. It's quite a complex stuff. Personally I supect that's related to the wive's issues. Many women are wired to accept abusive behaviour from their husbands. Sometimes, when a man stops being abusive, some women (again, with severe emotional issues) start seeing him as "less of a man".

 

As to your course of action, it depends: some people don't really care about the past or the truth. They're just interested in moving forward without any need to learn details or why some things happened.

 

Other people need some sort of emotional closure. They need to understand why their marriage collapsed, because they want to avoid certain mistakes in the future and learn from the past.

If you need closure then I suggest you confront your wife. Since she's already started divorce proceedings, then you've got nothing to lose. Your marriage is dead.

 

Keep posting. Other people here will give you better and more solid advice.

Stay strong. Your kids need a stable father.