Trying to Cope

[WorkingToHeal]

Hello all. I am now 10 days from D-Day and though I'm not in crisis mode any more, I am having a hell of a time trying to work through my feelings of betrayal and inadequacy.

 

I suppose a bit of back story is in order.

 

I've been married to my wife for a little over 10 years. We were together a year before that. We have 4 children between the two of us (his/her/ours situation).

 

Our first five years together were wonderful. We built a life together and had a family that was happy for the most part. I was on active duty in the Navy at the time and when we decided to have a child together we were well-enough off for her to stop working and stay home with the kids.

 

I was on shore duty at the time, so life was pretty normal. I didn't leave for long periods of time and was home every night in time for dinner and quality time with my wife and kids. Life was so good.

 

When my tour ashore ended I was assigned to a new ship that was under construction and had to spend a lot of time on the east coast while my family was home on the west coast. My wife and I were very much in love and spoke several times a day. We took every opportunity to visit each other and had a great deal of love and respect for each other.

 

I developed a habit of regularly viewing pornography online during my off-hours while I was away. One day I let my excitement and curiosity get the better of me and I followed a link to and adult dating service. I posted an ad that I was a happily married man currently away from my family and looking for some NSA intimacy. I was stimulated at the thought of such an occurrence, but at the same time I never did follow through. There were a couple of responses to my ad, most likely from porn vendors or whatever other sex industry entrepreneurs might browse such forums looking to make a sale. I didn't have a lasting interest. It was a fantasy and I suppose making the post was my way of acting it out. It was wrong but I didn't give it much thought.

 

Several months later I was underway with the ship when I got a frantic email from my wife telling me to call her right away. I was afraid something happened to her or one of the kids. It turns out that she was using the laptop and found the email address I created to post my nefarious ad. She was able to follow the links and see exactly what I had been up to. She was furious, hysterical and convinced that I had done the unthinkable and cheated on her. I pleaded with her that it wasn't the case and that I couldn't stand the thought of losing her. She screamed at me over the phone for what seemed like an eternity.

 

The next few days at sea were pure torture. I wanted to get home and reassure my wife that I was hers and that I hadn't done any of the things she was imagining I had done. It felt like my life was over.

 

When I finally got home, she was sitting on the couch with tears in her eyes. I rushed to her and kissed her and told her how sorry I was. We also made love. I felt so much relief that she was going to give me a second chance. I really loved her and felt truly terrible that I had done anything to shake her confidence in my feelings and intentions toward her.

 

Life went on. She had moments where she would get angry with me all over again, seemingly out of the blue. She reminded me that she would never know for sure if I actually cheated or not and would never forget what I had done or the words I had posted. For the most part though, things were still good. We still loved each other and our children very much.

 

In light of the insecurity and the time apart, we decided that I would no longer serve in the Navy as I would have to go to sea again and put us in a precarious position. We moved to a small town and built a house and a new life. Things were good. We had our problems, but we were solid. She was still into me, and I always felt that we were meant to be together despite everything.

 

We certainly had our share of issues though. I am not a sports fan. In fact (possibly due to bad experiences in my own youth and growing up with a disinterested father), I hated sitting through games. Even with my kids playing, I felt extreme anxiety and utter annoyance at the frantic screaming of the parents. I knew I should have sucked it up and did my duty as a father, but I took the selfish route and elected not to go to the games. Needless to say, my wife was not happy about this. She also wasn't happy about my lack of motivation to help out around the house. Much like my father (who would come home from work and park his butt in a recliner with a novel), I followed my own interests. I played video games on the computer or strummed on my guitar. I did do things, especially things that required my talents like fixing our cars and electronics, putting together furniture etc. I just didn't do much in the way of a daily routine.

 

We would fight about it. She would bring it up and I would get defensive about it, claiming that my hours of commuting to and from work and the stress of my job should buy me some leeway. She also complained about my lack of desire to do things with her, like watch TV, cuddle at night and have sex more often. I would get even more defensive, feeling that she was attacking my character and it felt like she just had it out for me. I expressed that to her, that if she were nicer about things I would probably be more willing. Things didn't change, until a few months ago.

 

My wife stopped asking for me to come to bed with her. She only wanted sex a fraction of the amount she did before. She just wasn't into me any more. It was a real wake-up call.

 

I was out of town at a business seminar when we had a text conversation that she initiated. She needed more passion in our marriage. I needed her to tone down her aggression a little. It really set the ball rolling for me. I realized I was losing my wife's affection and decided I wasn't going to let it happen.

 

I started to do more around the house. I engaged with the kids more. I made it a point to spend time with her and express how I felt about her. Surely getting these things she had wanted so badly from me would soften her up and bring us closer.

 

I couldn't have been more wrong.

 

Initially she rebuffed my attempts as disingenuous. She said she needed time to know if I was for real and that she had a lot of resentment built up against me that she needed to work past. I told her I understood but would keep trying anyway because I wanted us back. Things just got worse though. She made it a point to start spending more time with friends that I didn't know. She worked later hours and had me regularly picking up food instead of planning home-cooked meals like we used to. I pleaded with her to give me a chance to be her good husband again. She still cited her resentment and her need for time to feel that I was real.

 

After a good couple of months of my efforts getting nowhere, I was heartbroken. I began to get suspicious. My gut told me that something was seriously wrong, no matter how much I reasoned that my loving wife could never go where I suspected she had went.

 

I made a list of all of her changed behaviors. It took a full page. As I read over what I had written down, it became clear to me what was going on: there was someone else in the picture.

 

I texted her that day that I wanted some of her time that evening to talk openly and honestly about us and promised to be a gentleman. She agreed.

 

After dinner that night we retired to the bedroom and began to talk. She started to cite her resentment again and I pleaded with her to tell me why she couldn't find it in her heart to accept me back like she once did. She started to break, telling me tearfully that there are things she wanted to tell me but couldn't because she could never take them back if she did. She then said that she's been treating me like **** and that I deserved better. I flat-out asked her if she was having an affair and she let it out. At first she said that she was (past tense), but as more details came forward it had only been within a two-week window that she had last been with her lover. This had been going on for four months. I was devastated. How could she? How could she so selfishly give away something that was sacred and reserved for just us? I wanted to scream. I wanted to murder this other guy (who was almost young enough to be her son, as it turns out). I also knew in my heart, even at the moment she let out the truth, that I loved her and wanted more than anything to move past this.

 

We talked about it the next day and she said she wanted to work it out with me. I demanded that she end the affair immediately and have absolutely no further contact with this guy. She agreed, though was resistant to my insistence that she tell it to him free of emotion or any indication to him that she might want to continue the affair. She also said that despite all of the articles advising wayward spouses to comfort their betrayed spouse through the tears and insecurity, she just couldn't do that with me.

 

True to her word (as far as I know), she ended it with the other man (who works with her, though not regularly). She told me how it went down and I believe her. She also told me of one other encounter with him at work where he felt the need to tell her his cell phone was broken, which I think was his attempt to have some dialogue and keep the affair going. I think she is stubborn enough when she makes her mind up about something to stick with it. She has repeatedly told me that she intends to fight for us.

 

We went to a counselor at the soonest availability. He was able to shed some light on things, especially my fears that this guy is better than me sexually and that I have become completely undesirable. Even my wife says that it isn't the case. He made her feel beautiful and wanted. She liked the feeling and admitted that she wasn't ready to let go of it, even though she is committed to.

 

Here come the hardest part for me: She still says she feels no guilt or remorse about it. She admits that it was a stupid thing for her to do and feels bad about hurting me, but she says she doesn't regret the way the affair made her feel or that it happened. She said that maybe she just isn't there yet emotionally. I can get over the lies. I can get over the fact that she shared her body with someone other than me and enjoyed it. I'm pushing 40, far past the idealistic days of my youth. I can understand how this came about. I make no excuses for her though. What she did was plain wrong, no matter what. I didn't deserve this. She wan't entitled to it. Wrong is wrong, and if she was THAT unhappy in our marriage there were other avenues she could have pursued.

 

I want to forgive her and build something back that we can count on for the rest of our lives, but I don't think I can ever forgive her if she doesn't show remorse, if she refuses to see everything about her affair as an abomination. Of course it made her feel good. She had someones affectionate attention. She felt young again and got to live out a fantasy. The problem I have with it is that it was all a lie, a big illusion that has caused more suffering in me than I thought possible. I NEED her to feel the shame and regret for what she's done, to disassociate her actions from her euphoria.

 

Maybe it's just too soon, but I'm hurting and she is either unwilling or incapable of doing the things she CAN do to help ease my pain.

 

I am awash with fear and uncertainty. I really, truly love this woman with all of my heart, but can't spend my life with someone who can hurt someone they love this deeply and not feel regret.

 

Thanks for reading.

[BetrayedH]

I'm afraid no one here really has much good news for you.

 

Personally, I don't recommend reconciling with someone that doesn't show true remorse. And by putting the cart before the horse (forgiving before it is merited), you've shown her that she doesn't need to regret any of it. It worked out quite well for her.

 

Filing for divorce may snap her out of this little fantasy world she's in where she gets to play single while married and not have to demonstrate any remorse over it. I think it's your only shot.

 

Not what you wanted to hear, I'm afraid.

 

You deserve more than an unremorseful cheater for a wife. You should probably convince yourself of that.

[WorkingToHeal]

I haven't forgiven her yet. I'm trying to be patient and give her the chance to fully process the enormity of what she has done. We are seeing a counselor weekly now.

 

I read a great deal about the "affair fog" and the drug-like effects it has,on the mind of the cheater. I'm hoping that this is the case with her and the true remorse will come when the spell of the affair is broken.

 

I will not tolerate any further indiscretions, flirtation or even the slightest non-work related contact with this kid. I also know that I will only be able to bear this pain for so long without her experiencing true remorse.

 

As I said in the OP, I do really love her despite the pain she so selfishly inflicted on me. I also believe that I owe it to my children to give it a chance, even if it may cause me more pain in the future.

 

The person she is right now is not the person I fell in love with. If that person is still there I am going to give it my best to find her. If she's gone for good then I will mourn her and move on.

[lolablue17]

I agree with the above. Without full true remorse there will be no reconciliation.

 

You can press her more and you'll get the "I regret, I feel sorry bla bla" but it will not come from the heart.

 

She doesn't want you, she just want to use you as a safety environment until she'll be prepared to dump you for another new guy. She checked out years ago. You can't restore that.

 

You should consider filling for divorce.

[Arieswoman]

WTH,

I am sorry you are suffering like this.

 

However, this ;-

 

She still says she feels no guilt or remorse about it.

 

Shows that your're on a hiding to nothing.

 

but can't spend my life with someone who can hurt someone they love this deeply and not feel regret.

 

Sadly, if she had loved you at all, she wouldn't have done this.

 

but I don't think I can ever forgive her if she doesn't show remorse,

 

Even if she does show remorse, there is no rule that says you have to forgive her.

 

While you are deciding what you want to do I would consult a solicitor/lawyer and find out what you are entitled to financially, if you choose to divorce.

 

Remember, her affair was not your fault. Whatever she felt was wrong in the marriage did not give her licence to cheat.

 

Good luck.

[bobwhite007]

I think it was over for her the minute she found out about your ad for sex. She don't believe you and never will, I'm not sure I believe you. Sorry but that's just the way it is. Good luck to you.

[Satu]

You have to accept that where you are is where you are.

 

You have both violated the boundaries of the relationship; you with your ad, and she with her affair.

 

So the relationship has lost its innocence.

 

For the relationship to prosper, it would have to be completely rebuilt from the bottom up. That would take time, and a lot of commitment from both of you.

 

I hope it works out for you, but I think it probably won't.

[BetrayedH]

I haven't forgiven her yet. I'm trying to be patient and give her the chance to fully process the enormity of what she has done. We are seeing a counselor weekly now.

The problem is that your actions show forgiveness, regardless of your words. Would you say that infidelity, coupled with a lack of remorse, is an unacceptable situation in your marriage? If so, why are you accepting it?

 

I read a great deal about the "affair fog" and the drug-like effects it has,on the mind of the cheater. I'm hoping that this is the case with her and the true remorse will come when the spell of the affair is broken.

The affair fog is not some mystical force that has taken over your wife. Your wife is simply not who you thought she was. You likely had her up on a pedestal, thinking she was incapable of such a thing. Well, she's quite capable and she went there of her own volition, not just once but continually for 4 months, and she wasn't under some spell.

 

I will not tolerate any further indiscretions, flirtation or even the slightest non-work related contact with this kid. I also know that I will only be able to bear this pain for so long without her experiencing true remorse.

No, you won't be able to bear this very long without true remorse on her part. In fact, I'd suggest that it's going to break you. At ten days in, you're still in damage control mode. You're been stabbed in the back and you're desperately trying to stop the bleeding. You're in denial about the impact that this has had on your marriage, and about who your wife is, and you're in a bargaining stage. You have anger and depression still to go before you reach any kind of acceptance.

 

As I said in the OP, I do really love her despite the pain she so selfishly inflicted on me. I also believe that I owe it to my children to give it a chance, even if it may cause me more pain in the future.

You don't love your wife. You love who you wish your wife to be. And let's leave the kids out of this; staying for the kids is counter-productive. I tried to forgive an unremorseful cheater, too. And it's like suffering a long, slow death of a thousand small cuts. It will drive you mad and your kids need their Dad to be the one stable parent in this situation.

 

The person she is right now is not the person I fell in love with. If that person is still there I am going to give it my best to find her. If she's gone for good then I will mourn her and move on.

Looks like you've circled back to the affair fog business again. Your wife IS the person that consciously chose to lie to you, betray you and your marriage, and give herself to another man. And she's the one that's sitting there telling you that she doesn't regret the affair and isn't going to comfort you. She is not possessed.

 

I don't mean to sound unkind. And you won't find me frequently quoting you line by line. I understand where you are and I've seen it time and time again. It's not the wayward that is in a fog; it's the betrayed spouse. You don't want your world upended. You don't want to lose your wife and kids. You were planning for a lifetime with them. And so you are making attempts to control the situation. In your desperation, you'll accept unacceptable behavior. You've already been horribly disrespected and now you're further devaluing yourself. That is soul-wrenching stuff, my friend. You cannot save this marriage single-handedly. Your wife dropped a nuke on the marriage and you're walking around in a daze picking up pieces of debris. Meanwhile, your wife isn't even helping. She doesn't even really regret it.

 

I'm a firm believer that the best response to infidelity is filing for divorce. Ironically, I see it as the best course of action whether you want to reconcile or divorce. If you want to believe in affair fog, there's no better way to clear it than the consequences of her actions hitting her squarely in the forehead like a hammer. It establishes a very normal and healthy boundary for you; it shows that you will not accept or tolerate unacceptable behaviors in the marriage. You need to show strength, leadership, and respect for yourself. If your wife demonstrates remorse sufficient for you to consider making an effort at reconciliation and forgiveness, then you can always halt the proceedings. And if she doesn't, then you're on the way to the divorce you need.

[gettingstronger]

Thats a tough situation you have there- I think the fact you are both wiling to give it a try is a good thing BUT you have to know- reconciliation is hard work- it can take years, yes, years- I did not believe that to be true when we started on this journey but its true- we are 2.5 years out from dday and are still a work in progress-

 

You need to ask yourself and your wife- is there enough there to sustain years of this-I once asked my husband about a year in to it- "is this what you want, how long can you live like this" and he said "I'd do this forever if at the end of it, I get only one day where you fully love, fully forgive and are fully happy again" - I knew then we had to keep on keeping on-

[Darren Steez]

I'm happily married looking for NSA sex. Whatever she thought of you, that blew it out the water. Apart from taking a lie detector there is nothing you could do to make her believe what she saw was not something that was happening regularly. You do live away for a the time don't you? If she had any lingering thoughts if you were capable of cheating while you were away that might have just confirmed it.

 

Maybe it's best for everyone to part then if both parties are willing after the divorce to come and work together to build this relationship again.

 

But no remorse, resentment. No matter what she says she will feel entitled to do it again. And that my friend is no life to lead.

[BetrayedH]

I have no doubt that your wife used your suspected infidelity as a justification for her own affair. That said, I gather that your suspected affair was somewhere in the range of 4-5 years ago.

 

Personally, I don't think affairs justify revenge affairs (and you're talking to a guy that had one). The reality is that each person owns his or her own sh*t. Just like you had a choice to either fix your marriage or leave it, she did, too. Your attempts to have an affair don't justify hers. And if your attempted affair was years ago, she's well past any free "get even" card she might want to play. She chose to stay in the marriage and try to make it work.

 

Don't let her get away with blaming you for her affair. And don't blame yourself for it either.

[RightThere]

I hate to be the fly in the ointment, but I don't totally buy your story that the only thing you did was post on a dating site and not get any responses. I think you may be giving us the trickle truth and there is more to your story.

 

And as much as I'm all about the WW owing their affair, I'm sure in your wife's mind, you did have an affair. So the fact that she's had one now doesn't absolve you of any responsibility.

 

You want her to feel shame and remorse for what she did, but based on your statements, you weren't doing everything you needed to do right after your......whatever it was you actually did.

 

The fact of the matter is you were both looking outside your marriage. Just because she beat you to the punch in making it actually physical, you both share a lot of the blame for the situation. So if you think that you are entitled to her shame and remorse, I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself first.

[Satu]

In any relationship, both people share responsibility for setting and maintaining its boundaries. Thats how you keep the good stuff in and the bad stuff out.

 

Thats something you do together if you want the relationship to last.

 

Once those boundaries are breached by either or both parties, everything collapses.

 

Its difficult to fix because the cracks started to appear long before the affair.

 

There was a point where the relationship ceased to be a partnership.

 

'Us' was forgotten, and it became about 'you,' and 'me.'

 

Finding 'us' again, is not always possible.

 

 

I wish you luck with that.

[Mr. Lucky]

I hate to be the fly in the ointment, but I don't totally buy your story that the only thing you did was post on a dating site and not get any responses. I think you may be giving us the trickle truth and there is more to your story.

 

Were I her I'd feel this way about your NSA sex ad - if you lied by omission about placing the ad, what stops you from lying by commission about its outcome ???

 

For every "how could she" you've posted, she's dealt with similar and for longer. Doesn't excuse what she's done but it - and other disconnects you've posted - indicate you marriage was fractured from that point on.. Lots of work to do from there, none of which is served by her lack of accountability and your acceptance of same. Hope you'll continue with MC...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Babs22]

In any relationship, both people share responsibility for setting and maintaining its boundaries. Thats how you keep the good stuff in and the bad stuff out.

 

Thats something you do together if you want the relationship to last.

 

Once those boundaries are breached by either or both parties, everything collapses.

 

Its difficult to fix because the cracks started to appear long before the affair.

 

There was a point where the relationship ceased to be a partnership.

 

'Us' was forgotten, and it became about 'you,' and 'me.'

 

Finding 'us' again, is not always possible.

 

 

I wish you luck with that.

 

Satu, This post speaks to me. It sums up exactly what I feel happened in my own marriage. It doesn't mean it was Ok for me to have an A because of it. Why didn't I divorce? It never occurred to me to end it because our relationship long ceased to be a partnership. I thought I could live like that for the rest of my life, never really thought of it as a choice. We had kids, we were a family. I didn't realize that those cracks and the lack of doing things together were so poisonous to our M. I thought I was strong and independent and didn't need those things that I had been missing. Boy was I wrong. I was pretty easy picking, even after an almost 30 year relationship. Honestly, knowing my H, even if I had tried to do something to bring things back to my M, I don't think it would have happened. He was always against counseling and I don't think he saw anything wrong with how things were.

 

OP, you sound like you love your wife. You just started counseling and it sounds like when you realized you were losing your wife, you then tried to do the things that you always knew you should have done, but didn't do. I think your wife will regret and have remorse for her A given time and counseling. I do think she needs to be away from her A for a longer amount of time (10 days?) for that to happen. She will begin to see what she did in a different light. You won't know unless you give it time. I hope things work out for you.

[happyman64]

WTH

 

 

I think you have a good grasp of the situation.

 

 

You and your wife have screwed up royally.

 

 

You admit it. She actually does not. No remorse = Not good.

 

 

So do this.

 

 

Set a date in your head a year from now. That is your decision date.

 

 

The date you decide if you and your wife have a better marriage or not.

 

 

That is the date you decide if she is worth reconciling with. She chose to cheat and lie. She is not capable of making that decision with respect to your marriage at this time.

 

 

Until then do exactly as stated. Work on a new marriage. Work to fix your existing marriage and your wife does the same.

 

 

But if her heart remains hardened and her resentment towards you remains this high then I do not think you have any chance to remain married to each other.

 

 

realize that your worst enemy is in her head.

 

 

Your wife needs IC not MC at this time IMO.

 

 

HM

[autumnnight]

Personally, I don't recommend reconciling with someone that doesn't show true remorse.

 

Yep. This is a smart man.

 

Without both of you having remorse that does NOT include justifications or "it was only's," there is no hope for REAL reconciliation. Oh, you can trot out a lot of penance and outward behaviors. But real reconciliation requires a heart change, not just a fresh coat of paint on the outside.

[Popsicle]

She never forgave you, and now you will never forgive her so you're both even, but you will stay married and live happily ever after.

[Confused48]

I read a great deal about the "affair fog" and the drug-like effects it has,on the mind of the cheater. I'm hoping that this is the case with her and the true remorse will come when the spell of the affair is broken.

 

She won't change herself when the affair fog lifts, she will just learn to lie to you better.

 

I agree with what BH is telling you except about divorce. (I do think you should file, asap to protect yourself. Once you file, the clock stops ticking on increasing the term of spousal support.) I don't think it will bring true remorse from your WW. I think it will bring a desire from her to lie to you about her feelings.

[No Limit]

She doesn't regret because she believes you've been cheating too. It feels more like "eye for an eye" for her. And her still working there is absolutely unacceptable as well. I believe you two have arrived at a dead end.

[oldshirt]

I completely believe that he could've placed an NSA add on a site and not had any real life encounters from it. I've known guys that were on swinger sites for months and months that were busting their butts to hook up in real life and were coming up empty handed each and every time. It's totally realistic he didn't score.

 

That doesn't mean that it wasn't a $h1tty thing to do or that there wouldn't

be repercussions from it or that there isn't a mountain of damage control to do, but it's completely realistic that no physical encounters came from it.

 

This is a case where it may or may not be worth taking a polygraph.

 

It may help if he can show that he didn't meet up with anyone, but then again it may not. Sometimes just having that intent is damaging enough even without actually accomplishing it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I completely believe that he could've placed an NSA add on a site and not had any real life encounters from it. I've known guys that were on swinger sites for months and months that were busting their butts to hook up in real life and were coming up empty handed each and every time. It's totally realistic he didn't score.

 

Were that the case with him, wouldn't his intent to "score" be just as damaging to the marriage as the completed act itself?

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

Were that the case with him, wouldn't his intent to "score" be just as damaging to the marriage as the completed act itself?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

Yes.

 

 

And I alluded to that fact in my post. I was just saying that it is entirely believable that he didn't score in real life even though he posted in a hook up site.

 

 

All you need to do is go over to the dating sections and read all the stories there of the problems legitimate single guys have getting dates from legitimate dating sites. That is actual single guys putting in valid effort to get a date on legitimate singles sites. Magnify that challenge 100fold for a married guy trying to find a hook up off some sex site.

 

 

TBH I don't know what would actually make him look worse in his wife's eyes. That he posted on sex site looking for some NSA strange in the first place?

 

 

...or that he wasn't able to achieve it once he tried?

 

 

If some guy has an actual affair or fling or ONS, that at least shows someone else found him desireable and wanted him.

 

 

What's she gonna say when she finds out that he's been on a sex site for months and hasn't been able to get anything? - "Back off ladies, he's all mine!"????

 

 

This is kind of a no win scenario. Some times affairs at least trigger competition reflex and wake up call that make people realize what they might lose to someone else and it triggers a competitive reflex to fight for what they have.

 

 

Someone showing intent to find someone else but failing, makes you come out looking even worse.

[turnera]

I was out of town at a business seminar when we had a text conversation that she initiated. She needed more passion in our marriage. I needed her to tone down her aggression a little.

 

I started to do more around the house. I engaged with the kids more. I made it a point to spend time with her and express how I felt about her. Surely getting these things she had wanted so badly from me would soften her up and bring us closer.

 

I couldn't have been more wrong.

 

We went to a counselor at the soonest availability. He was able to shed some light on things, especially my fears that this guy is better than me sexually and that I have become completely undesirable. Even my wife says that it isn't the case. He made her feel beautiful and wanted. She liked the feeling and admitted that she wasn't ready to let go of it, even though she is committed to.

 

Here come the hardest part for me: She still says she feels no guilt or remorse about it. She admits that it was a stupid thing for her to do and feels bad about hurting me, but she says she doesn't regret the way the affair made her feel or that it happened. She said that maybe she just isn't there yet emotionally.

 

Maybe it's just too soon, but I'm hurting and she is either unwilling or incapable of doing the things she CAN do to help ease my pain.

Note that I am NOT blaming you for her cheating. Get that out of the way.

 

That said, you weren't that great of a husband. Which you admit. So try to imagine the last ten years from HER perspective. It wasn't what she signed up for. Her H couldn't give a flip about her, her interests, the kids, the home, and then ONLY cared when he felt he was losing her.

 

Normally I 'side' with the BH to get as much from the FWW as he can, but she's had ten years of unhappiness to sift through, to try to find a reason to stay married. And on top of that, some guy swoops in and gives her all the stuff she was waiting for her H to give her - attention, admiration...It's gonna be hard for her to suddenly see you in the perfect light again, and to want to make everything good for YOU while she's still hurting over the marriage she got.

 

I think you two can get there - with a lot of therapy - but I think it's unrealistic for her to suddenly care ONLY about your happiness. I also think you should be grateful she's being honest with you about her real feelings. Build on that in therapy.