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Limbo4ever

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I’m new here, it’s been 7 months since Dday. Our marriage was already in the brink of divorce/separation when he cheated on me last year in May through July and then on November when I found out. His phone malfunction on Nov 17th and I saw the text of the other woman. I confronted him and told me that he met her in a depression forum and they’ve only been talking over the phone and never met her. I knew there’s more going on so I contacted the other woman and she told me that she met him at match.com (told her, he was divorce) and they’ve been seeing each other for 3 weeks and he has slept with another woman from match.com over the summer. She also said that my WH has brought my 1 yr. old daughter to their lunch date. Let just say, my world collapse that night and until now I’m so much in pain.

 

At first he was blame shifting and rug sweeping but then he became remorseful wants to fix things with me. Then I found out on January a devastating trickle truth. 3 nights a weeks on June/July when I was not at home, he brought this woman in our house, had sex in my bed while our children was sleeping in the other bedrooms which was only 3 steps away from the master bedroom. The other TT was he brought her to a grand vacation in Florida and spent almost $3K for 3 days which he told me, he wanted to visit his friend in Florida that he’s tired taking care of the kids (he’s a stay at home Dad, he decided I need to work full time so he can stay at home to take care of them) and he needed a break.

 

I’m still here because of 3 reasons, I still love him, I have 3 small children (I would do anything for my children) and I know he’s completely remorseful and he’s been doing everything he can to help me through this but there are times that I don’t know if I can accept what he has done. I’m so deeply hurt and in pain all the time. I have so much anger that I don’t see myself forgiving him in the future. Our marriage is actually better now than ever, we are in hysterical bonding (I know this won’t last) sometimes I feel we are in reconciliation fog. I don’t know if I want to stay, I’m still in limbo. Still trying to figure things out. Thank you for reading my long story.

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Lokin4AReason

welcome to the board ... and sorry to hear about your situation and the condition of coming here ..

 

its not going to be easy but if you two commit to the relationship, this marriage can probably be saved ( not promising a thing )

 

and also you two need to go to some serious counseling, in working things out IMO

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I know he’s completely remorseful and he’s been doing everything he can to help me through this

 

Given the way this has unfolded, how do you know this :confused: ? In his case, what's the difference between someone who's truly sorry and someone who's sorry they got caught?

 

Also, is this the first time he's cheated? From rugswept to TT to fog, you sure have the lingo down pat. I'm just wondering if that comes from experience...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I'm all in favor of couples attempting to reconcile but in this case I wonder whether the best way for you to have a happy marriage might be to get a new husband. Seriously, unemployed guy spending $3K on a vacation with his GF because he needs a break from taking care of his kids - how do you fix that kind of guy?

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In his case, what's the difference between someone who's truly sorry and someone who's sorry they got caught?

 

I know he's remorseful and I know he feels bad what he has done to me which he told me so many times.

 

is this the first time he's cheated?

 

Yes and No - what I mean was, he cheated with 2 women but only got caught once.

 

What I learned from this experience is nobody will know if the WS's are going to tell their BS's everything. He swore up and down that everything is out and I know all the truth - he might be telling me everything but I would never believe him again. The trust is gone. Did he cheat before? Maybe - I don't know I would never know until he confessed.

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I'm all in favor of couples attempting to reconcile but in this case I wonder whether the best way for you to have a happy marriage might be to get a new husband. Seriously, unemployed guy spending $3K on a vacation with his GF because he needs a break from taking care of his kids - how do you fix that kind of guy?

 

I thought about this so many times. I am basing his history, He used to be a righteous, he was a hardworker, upstanding guy but I don't know what happen. He told me he broke, when he lost his high paying job and our marriage was at the edge that he needed someone to like him again. To his credit, he has been a great father but he made poor choices when we has cheating on me by involving my children to his affairs.

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What bothers me personally about your story is that he involved your children and used your marital bed. Is this something you can get passed? He lied to another woman about his marital status and brought your baby on his date. All of this was done on your dime.

 

 

I understand you have small children and that you love him. In my personal opinion, it takes more than love for a marriage to work. Love doesn't conquer all. He needs to be completely committed. I think it's going to take more time determine how committed he truly is. Do you think he's remorseful? Or is he sorry that you got hurt and he got caught? There's a difference between the two.

 

 

It's up to you on what you can forgive, but I think you should tread very carefully. Make him prove to you that he can be trusted. He needs to be completely transparent. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Good luck!

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understand50

Limbo4ever,

 

First of all, please remember that it is your life and your decision on what to do.

 

1) You have good moral grounds to divorce, so if that happens in the end, be at peace with yourself.

 

2) Reconciliation is YOUR choice, it is your decision to give him a 2nd chance. There are many good reasons to stay, love, children, so fourth. So again be at peace with yourself, if this is what you want.

 

a) Have your WH read the first pined thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know. It should give him a good idea of what he is looking at to try and make amends. Read it yourself, understand what a true reconciliation is. Let him know that divorce is a option, if YOU feel that he is giving you false remorse, or rug sweeping.

 

b) MC and IC, you both need to know why this happened.

 

c) Look at the threads from verybrokenman, posts from mrs-john-adams and johnadams, the post and threads from merrmeade. This should give you a good start and let you know you are not the only one to have this happen too. The longer post seem to have the most information. There are many here, too many to name, that can help with you with their story. Post yourself, what you are going trough can be helpful to someone else.

 

3) There are many members here with different opinions, from DIVORCE, to Try and Forgive. Read them all, I think the best outcomes is when you look at everything and then come to your own decision. You may not agree with them but that will bring up valid points. fellini, oldshirt, Rainbowlove, Cephalopod, velvette, and aliveagain. There are many more. I think it helps to respond and address their points, if for nothing more then to let you validate and defend your own decision in your mind. Helps cut the "fog"

 

I wish you good luck, and hope that you get the best outcome that you want.

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VeryBrokenMan

I feel your pain, I wish I could say it gets easier but I really don't know since I'm only a month further into the process. I could have written all those things in your post at times. I'm happy but stuck wondering if I can ever really forgive like you are.

 

I think I had to get to a place where I was OK with whatever the outcome and then build from there. I've read to be really happy you should never divorce because of an affair but because the relationship after it was found out was not what you wanted. Expect only the best and if you don't get that then maybe it's time to move on. This is your decision to make and only you can make it. I've wished that statement was not true every day since I found out because it's a terrible and painful decision to end a failed relationship.

 

That said, looking at your relationship from the outside with you being the breadwinner and him actively looking for a relationship on match.com would be more than most people could forgive. But until one is faced with that very situation none of us know what we will do so I won't waste your time telling you what I would do because it does not matter. What matters is what you feel is forgivable and what is not. I think for me it comes down to whether I see value in my wife as a companion going forward. I do at this point but that is not an easy decision to live by. Every time I think of what she's done I re-evaluate that decision and second guess myself. Someday I wonder if that reevaluation will cause me to just toss my hands up and say "I'm done" regardless of where the relationship stands.

 

Finding that your spouse has been cheating on you is one of the worst emotional pains that a person can endure. You don't get over the roller coaster of emotions for years and I think most will say you never get over it you just learn to deal with the emotions better. I think that is where I'm at right now, just learning to deal with what she has done to us.

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He used to be a righteous, he was a hardworker, upstanding guy but I don't know what happen.

 

he changed, sweetheart.

 

people change. & sometimes... they don't change for the better.

 

and maybe he just isn't the man you need & want anymore.

 

did you think about separating for a while, just to clear your head and see what would your life without him look like?

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Do you think you'll ever be able to fully forgive him for what he did and let it go? I know I couldn't, even when I thought I had, I didn't and it changed everything from that point forward. Trust and respect are huge in a relationship. Once they are gone it's incredibly difficult to get it back.

 

I wouldn't recommend considering reconciliation if he isn't willing to go the extra mile and take all of the necessary steps to prove to you that he will never do it again. Don't let him sweep this under the rug and pretend that just because he's all lovey dovey NOW and kissing your backside that it's going to go away. It needs to be addressed clearly and in detail over and over and over until YOU are satisfied that this is a healthy relationship. Is he going to be able to do that for you?

 

I made the mistake of falling for that stuff too (reconciliation fog, expressions of how sorry he was and how much he wanted to be with me and all the things he would do to make things right) only to have him do it all over again later on when he decided he no longer wanted to put the effort into a real relationship. That's the chance you take when you give the person another chance. Given my own personal experience, I can tell you that without a doubt... NOT addressing it fully and completely will only lead to more heartache down the road. Don't let him bully you into feeling like you can't talk about it just because some time has passed. What has he really done to make you feel secure in your relationship?

 

((hugs)) I'm really sorry you are going through this. Keep posting, it does help to process things and get others points of view.

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flowergirl14

You know they can be lovey dovey in fact the best spouse. Sex everyday with the spouse. Taking care of the kids, cleaning. Going that extra mile. Yet, they still cheat! They are called serial cheaters. Look that term up. This isnt a guy who had some marital dissatisfaction and had AN affair. He has had multiple. Thats a whole other thing.

Also check out chumplady.com thats another good infidelity forum.

My question is what does he bring to the marriage? What would you tell your own kids, sister, friend if they were in the same position? Start listening to your inner voice. Do you really think he is done cheating? Dont base your answer on what you hope he will or wont do. Base it on his past behavior and look at it logically. Can you ever, ever trust him again?

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Reconciling BH here.

 

7 months is a good start. But I think you need to get through Dday anniversary before you can feel you are sufficiently stepping back and seeing the marriage (the one since dday) for what it is, and what it can be.

 

There are stages and phases and steps you will need to pass through, and I am not going to recommend you bypass them by merely taking peoples advice about how this is going to end up, and then anticipating that, and making that your next move. I say this whether in the end it will be divorce or reconciliation.

 

Recover is part 1. You will know when you have regained control of your senses.

 

Reconciliation is a long project. So it has to happen in stages. My WW was TTing me right into month 8-9. Dday does not magically bring out the truth.

 

Give yourself blocks of say 3 month periods to work on what you want to work on, and see where that takes you. If you feel strongly and clear about leaving, you leave, if you feel strong and clear about staying, you stay, but if you still do not know, you build in another block and do something to help get to your decision. As does he.

 

I have, now in year 2 years post dday, in the position to feel that my WW does not need to do anything to "prove" to me anything. During those 2 years I was continuously in "stay" "go" mode, but I recognised when these were just emotions pulilng at my self doubt etc. They were not really caused by lack of trust in my WW. She was doing what she needed to do for her part, eventually. NC was implemented the day after DDAy and on this she has not "failed". She continues to work in the same Faculty as her AP, he continues to be a single man (for all I can tell) and they do not interact for any reason at all.

 

I think 7 months is early, there are still roller coaster rides to get through, and then there is your WH. I really cannot say anything here because from what you have said I'm not clear about what he is concretely doing to save HIS MARRIAGE. One thing is what he is doing to help you through the trauma, it is yet another thing to talk about what HE IS DOING to prove that he wants TO BE MARRIED TO YOU, not just that he "doesnt want to not be married". I hope you can SEE and FEEL the difference moving forward.

 

Happy to answer your questions in the next while. But I will be leaving LS soon.

Edited by fellini
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What bothers me personally about your story is that he involved your children and used your marital bed. Is this something you can get passed?

 

add him spending (basically) your money: for a vacation with OW....

 

OP i am usually for R/work it out. i am usually positive. i swim against the tide (of other posters) but the above is a huge hurdle for even me.

 

good luck.

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Sorry for what your H has put you through.

 

I suggest you seek individual counselling first.

 

The kicker for me would be him bringing OW into your bed, plus the kids were in the home and then the holiday to Florida.

 

He'd have to be moving mountains for me and even that probably wouldn't be enough .

 

I recommend you visit a dedicated infidelity support group as well SurvivingInfidelity.com

 

You'll get even more good advice from people who've been in your situation and it will be a big help

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Thank you so much for all the responses. I'm having so much anxiety as this is the time last year he cheated on me. I feel like I'm going through it and I can't do anything about it. It's suffocating and I just want to give up.

 

I know my WH wants to reconcile, he has done a lot of things to try to help me heal but as a BS, it's not enough. I just want him and his OWs feel all my pain but I know it's impossible.

 

I am with some of your responses, how can someone forgive when that person desecrated your house. There was no boundary that he didn't cross just to feel better about himself. He knows it was so bad that when he found that I found out that he brought her to our house, he had a nervous breakdown and was brought to the hospital for 3 days. :(

 

My family just want me to leave him even my friends but it's very easy to say that when they're not in my position especially they're the one who doesn't have 3 small children. I feel pathetic sometimes, I feel like I should make a decision already whether I stay or go :confused:

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I thought about this so many times. I am basing his history, He used to be a righteous, he was a hardworker, upstanding guy but I don't know what happen. He told me he broke, when he lost his high paying job and our marriage was at the edge that he needed someone to like him again. To his credit, he has been a great father but he made poor choices when we has cheating on me by involving my children to his affairs.

 

 

I am so sorry for what you are going through, I know your pain very well. Reconciliation is a decision that should be yours to make free of all outside influences. Don't do it because of pressure from him or other family and don't do it because of the children. It needs to be the best decision for you period.

 

How does someone go from being a righteous, hard worker outstanding guy to a sleazy married stay at home dad trolling hook up sites for his next bareback session? What kind of father brings strange women into his home(for all your neighbours to see) with his small children present. As disrespectful as an affair is to the betrayed spouse banging her in your marital bed, your sanctuary is the lowest of the low and shows just how deep his resentment is for you. Does this have anything to do with the fact that he is now dependant on you financially? Even the knowledge that his children were sleeping only feet away wasn't enough to stop him from bringing a stranger he met on the internet into your home. Did they all have breakfast together?

 

He risked you and your children and he even bragged about it to his affair partner. Why else would he bring up other conquests to someone that he lied to regarding his marital status? This type of behaviour doesn't just happen, I think it was always part of him and is now being exposed because the opportunities were made available to him. Before you make a final decision you should talk to a lawyer, you need to know what your options are and how they will impact you.

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Did they all have breakfast together?

 

No, they didn't. The woman will come over when they were asleep and will leave after they were done. The woman told me that she used him for sex and what "other things come with it" which it means free dates and free vacation. She dumped him after she got what she wanted. But then of course one is not enough couple months after, he found another woman but then got caught before something happen to them. :sick:

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Limbo,

 

First off, I am so sorry that you are here & your husband committed those atrocities. I would recommend you go to individual counseling for yourself only, that way a professional can help you sort your feelings out & heal. I would also recommend you speaking to a family law lawyer so that you fully understand your rights. I'm not telling you that you should divorce him, but you want to be armed with all the knowledge you will need as you go through this journey.

 

You are going to go through a series of emotions. It is normal. You may even start replaying things in your head & getting flashbacks, that is normal. You will have days where you want to claw his face off, that is normal too. Whatever you do, don't ever let your husband make you feel like you are the crazy one.

 

Make him work & prove to YOU that he wants to stay married. The burden of proof is on him, not you.

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having sex in the marital bed is a blaring expression of anger and rebellion. It has LESS to do with the AP and more to do with resentment at you, or a disapproving parent that was projected onto you....unfairly.

 

he needs IC, as do you, but he really, really needs it to understand WTH he is SO angry about and why that was projected onto you and the marriage.

 

you have a right to decide NOTHING at this point, and tell him so! You are more than capable of raising your children in a loving, mature household...with, or Without him. Tell him that!

 

And decide NOTHING until he has gone to IC for at least six months, weekly, so he can adequately explain the disrespect of bedding his AP in YOUR bed while your baby slept 3 feet away in the next room.

 

when He can come up with an explanation that makes sense to YOU, then, and only then, will you consider any semblance of a future with him. Otherwise, you will see him in court.

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I’m new here, it’s been 7 months since Dday. Our marriage was already in the brink of divorce/separation when he cheated on me last year in May through July and then on November when I found out. His phone malfunction on Nov 17th and I saw the text of the other woman. I confronted him and told me that he met her in a depression forum and they’ve only been talking over the phone and never met her. I knew there’s more going on so I contacted the other woman and she told me that she met him at match.com (told her, he was divorce) and they’ve been seeing each other for 3 weeks and he has slept with another woman from match.com over the summer. She also said that my WH has brought my 1 yr. old daughter to their lunch date. Let just say, my world collapse that night and until now I’m so much in pain.

 

At first he was blame shifting and rug sweeping but then he became remorseful wants to fix things with me. Then I found out on January a devastating trickle truth. 3 nights a weeks on June/July when I was not at home, he brought this woman in our house, had sex in my bed while our children was sleeping in the other bedrooms which was only 3 steps away from the master bedroom. The other TT was he brought her to a grand vacation in Florida and spent almost $3K for 3 days which he told me, he wanted to visit his friend in Florida that he’s tired taking care of the kids (he’s a stay at home Dad, he decided I need to work full time so he can stay at home to take care of them) and he needed a break.

 

I’m still here because of 3 reasons, I still love him, I have 3 small children (I would do anything for my children) and I know he’s completely remorseful and he’s been doing everything he can to help me through this but there are times that I don’t know if I can accept what he has done. I’m so deeply hurt and in pain all the time. I have so much anger that I don’t see myself forgiving him in the future. Our marriage is actually better now than ever, we are in hysterical bonding (I know this won’t last) sometimes I feel we are in reconciliation fog. I don’t know if I want to stay, I’m still in limbo. Still trying to figure things out. Thank you for reading my long story.

 

Take all the time you need. Don't do anything out of anger. You will make a decision when you have a clear mind. My husband did the same as yours. All I think of once a cheater always a cheater. Take your time. You did nothing wrong. Good luck.

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You sound like the quintessential BS who stays. You shouldn't call yourself "miserable" though, that is a strong word. You accurately called it "in limbo" which implies both good and bad feelings towards him. You will probably always be in limbo.

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having sex in the marital bed is a blaring expression of anger and rebellion. It has LESS to do with the AP and more to do with resentment at you, or a disapproving parent that was projected onto you....unfairly.

 

I have asked him about this, he said, all he can think about that time was, he was alone those nights and the kids were asleep and he wanted to spend more time with her so he invited her over. He knew it was wrong but he did it anyway.

 

Our marriage that time was so bad, I know he had a lot of resentment towards me and me too so whether he will admit or not "it is a blaring expression of anger and rebellion towards me and our marriage" :mad:

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I have asked him about this, he said, all he can think about that time was, he was alone those nights and the kids were asleep he wanted to spend more time with her so he invited her over. He knew it was wrong but he did it anyway.

 

Our marriage that time was so bad, I know he had a lot of resentment towards me and me too so whether he will admit or not "it is a blaring expression of anger and rebellion towards me and our marriage" :mad:

 

Is he in Individual Counseling? Are you?

 

My marriage has hit some low points but NEVER would I ever consider this scenario. Even amongst cheaters we do not hear this too often. hard to understand the AP who goes along with this scenario.

 

did you burn the bed? Did you want to?

 

Don't sweep this under the rug....

 

Absolutely don't let him minimize his behavior.

 

Did you confront his AP? because this scenario is about as low as two people could go, IMO.

 

You need to get really, really mad about this...I know you are sad and in shock and it is overwhelming BUT if you don't have boundaries that demand respect, he won't have to.

 

Are you in IC? Do you have all his passwords? Did he willingly give them to you? Is he totally transparent in his words

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ladydesigner
You sound like the quintessential BS who stays. You shouldn't call yourself "miserable" though, that is a strong word. You accurately called it "in limbo" which implies both good and bad feelings towards him. You will probably always be in limbo.

 

I can't say that I don't agree.

 

I am 11 months out from False R and I have regained little to no feelings for my WH. It is very similar to when the WS says that they love you but are not in love with you. That is how I feel now.

 

(((Limbo4ever))) I feel that you should put the focus and healing solely on yourself at this point.

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