Newbie to forum GF having emotional affair

[Lyvewyrez]

Hi All,

 

So I assume I am in the same boat as many who found their way to this subforum, a desire to seek external input.

 

I am in a relationship that is less than a month away from 3 years, and have been tracking my GF/SO undertaking what I would describe as an emotional affair. At the bottom is a recent transcribe of what went between my SO and the OM, and what finally gave me what I feel is the proof of this EA and what I'm worried is a 'cannot be saved' sign.

 

I am focusing on this line:

2015-06-13 23:02:32 You'll just have to wait and see. I do need to work out a way of having said planned event without proof of it ever happening though

 

My SO and I live in one state, OM in another. SO has been talking about joining her parents this Xmas to visit city where OM lives, as my mother lives there and it seems like a normal holiday destination.

 

I apologise to make people read so much, but I need help to figure out the best way to go about this, as I cannot decide. My heart wants to ignore it and try to improve our relationship, in the hopes that she is investing in this EA (though I feel it'll become PA if left alone) because I "haven't been attending to her emotional needs in the past year". I say that because we have drifted into doing different things when we used to be nigh-inseparable when around each other.

 

She has been pressuring me for over a year now to get married. I have been holding off as I am studying full time and wanted to get that out of the way first. I've told her this, tried my best to reinforce that I want to marry her, but "whats a few years if we are meant for each other?" was my theory.

 

I know some might not deem it relevant, but I thought some insight into our physical intimacy will help clarify situation. The physical intimacy has always been lacking. Part due to her being so shy about sex, a physical issue she's had with intercourse hurting (now treated) and the pill she was on having a side effect of potentially lowering libido (Qlaira). She's on a new pill now, but as far as physical intimacy goes, nothing has changed. We haven't had intercourse in over a year, but maybe once or twice a month we are intimate (but no intercourse of any sort).

 

This isn't the first time she has cheated either. She cheated on her previous BF, but said she felt remorseful afterwards, but it happened because they were at the end of the relationship and she was going to break up with him anyway. I said I'd give her a chance but to never do anything like that to me, first strike -> out situation.

 

This isn't the first time I've found her intimately talking to OM like this either. Back in late April I accidentally found a Skype chat and read through it, which started my suspicions. I called her out on it and she got angry about it, but we talked and I rationalised it for her, she's known the guy for years, innocent flirting etc. as long as we work on our relationship it will all be good. Thing is, nothing has changed on her end.

 

I'm angry and frustrated and just want to blow up in her face about this, tell her how it makes me sick that after all the promising, she's lying straight to my face. I want to stand by my guns and say that this EA crosses the line, you had a chance, I told you the consequences and you went behind my back anyway. I've said from beginning it's all about trust. I asked her, if she ever lost interest just tell me and we can end it before any mistakes are made, make it clean and amicable as we have friends in common. I just know I cannot confront her with this evidence because then it can easily be turned around to make me the bad guy, because I found this without her knowing I found it.

 

Also, I'm not sure whether I should try and save this relationship, I worry that this will just keep happening. I was hoping those with more experience could advise what they would do from their experiences and whether it is folly trying to make it better.

 

In the end, She's trying to show me this loving, caring, "Im all yours, forever" persona, but her actions are speaking otherwise. How do I resolve this?

 

Any help is appreciated, I apologise again for the long post.

 

NB: Reads bottom up. Only putting here for context. Previous comments in April were about what would be like living together and sharing a bed etc.

2015-06-14 10:19:45		Well that goes both ways 
2015-06-14 10:19:13		Good luck. Stop thinking about me or you won't get anything done 
2015-06-14 10:17:22		I actually need to do some stuff so I'll talk to you later 								

2015-06-13 23:11:34		Night. Sweet dreams 								
2015-06-13 23:04:29		No, just curious. You're very tight-lipped about it though  I'll wait								
2015-06-13 23:03:50		Why would you like it that way 								
2015-06-13 23:03:16		That bad is it?								
2015-06-13 23:02:32		You'll just have to wait and see. I do need to work out a way of having said planned event without proof of it ever happening though 								

2015-06-13 23:01:12		What else were you planning that you wouldn't tell me before? 
2015-06-13 23:00:42		Well maybe while I'm on a break from uni I might see what I can do for you 
2015-06-13 22:59:57		I don't either really. But they were a good page at least I'm pretty sure								
2015-06-13 22:59:24		I don't even remember what I wrote lol 								
2015-06-13 22:59:04		Yours were lovely 
2015-06-13 22:58:37		Lol I wouldn't care if they were bad. Mine wouldn't be much better 								
2015-06-13 22:57:40		I wouldn't say no haha, I'm pretty bad at letter writing though so you might not get one back 
2015-06-13 22:56:52		Might just have to write some more 								
2015-06-13 22:56:30		Because they were nice, and I like you and I was looking forward to re-reading them? Haha								
2015-06-13 22:55:44		Sad, why?								
2015-06-13 22:55:11		I was sad when I couldn't find them								
2015-06-13 22:55:01		I did have them put away somewhere safe but I couldn't find them when I went to look for them last time :/ they're probably at my mum's house or otherwise a few other things have gone missing here, it's weird.								

2015-06-13 22:53:36		That we did. Did you keep the letters I wrote you?								
2015-06-13 22:51:29		Awww, I felt the same way. We had that agreement if we weren't married by the time I was 30 haha								

2015-06-13 22:50:25		Yeah well I wasn't going to tell you back then that I had a thing for you. It always felt nice knowing I'd go home, play a few games with you and end up with a smile on my face no matter how bad the day was 								

2015-06-13 22:47:55		You never told me about that haha								
2015-06-13 22:46:40		Yeah that's true lol I can still remember my parents getting so mad at me for always talking to you and not them 								

2015-06-13 22:45:23		Hey, I'm still young  and it probably helped that we were single haha								
2015-06-13 22:44:31		Well that's good to know  things were so less complicated when we were younger lol 								
2015-06-13 22:41:58		I was trying to say that we've had all these amazing conversations over the years without really having seen each other so I don't like you just because I find you attractive								

2015-06-13 22:41:21		I'm so lost lol 								
2015-06-13 22:40:57		Now it's going over your head lol								
2015-06-13 22:40:18		Not sure that answered it lol it just sounded like you were fishing for a photo lol 								
2015-06-13 22:39:36		About what I like about you								
2015-06-13 22:39:29		About what I like about you								
2015-06-13 22:39:19		I was answering your last question								
2015-06-13 22:38:31		What do I think about what 								
2015-06-13 22:38:03		Well I haven't seen a recent photo of you in forever and we still have had all these close intimate (not dirty) conversations, particularly lately. So what do you think?								

2015-06-13 22:36:45		Fine then lol 								
2015-06-13 22:36:30		It wasn't a very good attempt so I wasn't about to reward you 
2015-06-13 22:35:42		Hmm that went over your head lol I was fishing for info lol 								
2015-06-13 22:34:54		What are my standards? And I never said anything about your looks, I said I've always been attracted to you								

2015-06-13 22:33:58		Good  so going off your standards you must only like me for my looks then 								
2015-06-13 22:33:13		Never 
2015-06-13 22:32:34		Is that a compliant? 								
2015-06-13 22:32:08		Is your cheeky side not your only side? Seems to be the only one I see 
2015-06-13 22:31:29		I wouldn't be still talking to you after all these years if it was just about looks. I feel comfortable talking to you about everything, your funny, smart and definitely bring out my cheeky side 								

2015-06-13 22:29:48		So you only like me for my looks 
2015-06-13 22:29:07		Even with the beard and the cheeky grin I find you attractive 								
2015-06-13 22:28:01		"Because you haven't asked anything. 
Even with my beard in my FB profile photo? 
I figured it was obvious that I've always been attracted to you. "								

2015-06-13 22:26:25		It was most definitely a compliment 								
2015-06-13 22:25:46		I assume that was a compliment though?								
2015-06-13 22:25:46		Why do I feel like this is going to be a one sided conversation lol 								
2015-06-13 22:21:59		I try to avoid mirrors, why? 
2015-06-13 22:21:35		Ok first though was, have you looked in a mirror lately								
2015-06-13 22:20:52		First thing that comes to mind is usually the most true								
2015-06-13 22:19:05		Do you want the thought about answer or the one that came to mind straight away 								
2015-06-13 22:18:10		Well that was hardly a secret haha. Physically or generally?  and why more so now?								
2015-06-13 22:17:12		I've actually always found you attractive but more so now 								
2015-06-13 22:12:00		No idea what it is so I couldnt say. But if you're willing, sure. I won't pry if you really don't want to say though.								

2015-06-13 22:10:59		You really want the truth 								
2015-06-13 22:08:54		Go for the truth lol, we were being honest weren't we?								
2015-06-13 22:08:28		So you think I'm amazing hey lol 								
2015-06-13 22:08:20		Not sure you could handle the truth on that one lol 								
2015-06-13 22:07:39		That attracted to me, huh? Lol								
2015-06-13 22:07:01		Bit of both lol 								
2015-06-13 22:06:39		Need the ego boost do you? Or do you just like me being affectionate? 
2015-06-13 22:06:20		Or a bit lol 								
2015-06-13 22:05:42		Maybe I do enjoy it just a it lol 								

2015-06-13 22:05:10		I think it's more you get some twisted pleasure from making me state things outright, like how amazing you are 

2015-06-13 22:02:35		Yeah you need to fill in the blanks 
2015-06-13 22:02:13		Really? After the last 4 or so messages? Haha								
2015-06-13 22:01:55		Really? After the last 4 or so messages? Haha								
2015-06-13 22:00:22		Now why would you do that 								
2015-06-13 21:59:08		I meant closer haha								
2015-06-13 21:58:44		Why would you do that 								
2015-06-13 21:58:14		Maybe I should move haha								
2015-06-13 21:57:42		Well I doubt if I lived closer there'd be someone to make jealous 								
2015-06-13 21:56:46		Might make some people jealous								
2015-06-13 21:55:47		Maybe if I lived closer 								
2015-06-13 21:55:21		Were you volunteering? Lol								
2015-06-13 21:54:40		You'll get to again 								
2015-06-13 21:53:13		I used to hate cuddling when I just wanted to sleep I mean. 								
2015-06-13 21:52:19		You lost me 								
2015-06-13 21:51:57		See I used to think, now I miss it.								
2015-06-13 21:50:44		Cuddle and sleep don't go together 								
2015-06-13 21:48:52		Can't cuddle and sleep at the same time?								
2015-06-13 21:48:25		Thought you said there'd be no sleeping 								
2015-06-13 21:47:50		Only because you said you wouldn't share the bed!								
2015-06-13 21:47:19		First you kick me out of the bed now you want to cuddle 								
2015-06-13 21:46:36		I might pick on you a lil. Awww, wouldn't want to cuddle? Haha, ouch 								
2015-06-13 21:45:52		As long as you don't pick on me for playing my psp lol. Fine I'll take the couch 								
2015-06-13 21:44:49		Video games obviously. Well then I'd kick you out of the bed and you can sleep on the couch if you won't share 

2015-06-13 21:43:29		If there's no sleeping what did you have in mind.... You know we'd have to sleep at some point 								

2015-06-13 21:42:30		Sorry, couldn't resist haha								
2015-06-13 21:42:22		Who said anything about sleeping? Lol								
2015-06-13 21:41:51		I don't share with anyone when I'm sleeping lol 								
2015-06-13 21:41:33		Don't wanna share with me? Haha								
2015-06-13 21:40:54		I spread out and take up a double bed so you can take what's left lol 								
2015-06-13 21:39:46		I've got books if you're happy to share a bed								
2015-06-13 21:38:06		Bed and a few books and I'm set 								
2015-06-13 21:37:32		Well I've got a bed, what else do you need? Lol								
2015-06-13 21:36:37		Both lol and because it was your suggestion 								
2015-06-13 21:36:05		Emotional or physical? And who said you could come here? 
2015-06-13 21:34:38		Lol don't think you'd have room for me and all my baggage 								
2015-06-13 21:34:01		Run away anyway 
2015-06-13 21:32:27		Lol can't run twice because of a tattoo 								
2015-06-13 21:31:44		Do something else crazy first like run away, to soften the blow 
2015-06-13 21:30:52		Yeah I don't think my parents could survive me getting another one 								
2015-06-13 21:30:06		Well I have 2. Constantly, bit like an addiction I guess. Just need the right idea and more importantly an income.								

2015-06-13 21:29:03		Lol hardly. Do you ever think about getting another tattoo 								
2015-06-13 21:26:52		I'm okay with needles. Bit of a masochist I guess haha								
2015-06-13 21:25:04		I've never donated blood... Needles freak me out to the point I pass out.... Still not sure why i was perfectly fine getting a tattoo though 								

2015-06-13 21:24:17		Once upon a time								
2015-06-13 21:23:35		Well aren't you a nice person giving blood and plasma 								
2015-06-13 21:22:37		Well I did donate blood and plasma regularly 								
2015-06-13 21:21:50		I'm impressed you know your blood type. 								
2015-06-13 21:21:36		I did actually get that 								
2015-06-13 21:21:04		I was making a pun because my blood type is B Positive and you told me to be positive...								

2015-06-13 21:19:43		So you have a thing for blood now do you.... ?								
2015-06-13 21:19:05		That's my blood type 
2015-06-13 21:18:44		Just be positive 
2015-06-13 21:18:14		Yeah it's just something new that I haven't had to train for								
2015-06-13 21:13:02		It does take time to be great at your job but it's something you love doing 								
	so that's why I'm confident you'll be fine								
2015-06-13 21:11:30		I certainly hope so, it's in less than 12 hours haha. I'm not at the point 								
	where I'm great at what I do yet								
2015-06-13 21:09:03		I'm sure you'll work something out. I've got no doubt that your great at what you do 								
2015-06-13 20:58:04		Just have a client tomorrow morning 								
2015-06-13 20:55:24		What makes you say that 								
2015-06-13 20:54:50		Ugh, I don't have the imagination for work								
2015-06-13 20:54:10		That they do 
2015-06-13 20:53:08		I was just curious. Everyone enjoys being cocky sometimes								
2015-06-13 20:52:38		Again answering with a question but yes 								
2015-06-13 20:52:02		Do you think I do?								
2015-06-13 20:51:41		That is what I'm asking lol 								
2015-06-13 20:50:55		Do I enjoy being cocky? 
2015-06-13 20:50:19		Do you 								
2015-06-13 20:50:04		You seem to enjoy it								
2015-06-13 20:49:45		Is that a good thing lol 								
2015-06-13 20:46:40		You must bring it out of me								
2015-06-13 20:45:25		Lol your are totally a bit cocky 								
2015-06-13 20:44:58		Well I couldn't blame you, I am very handsome 
2015-06-13 20:44:25		Well I'm pretty sure id be a lot more shy lol 								
2015-06-13 20:44:05		What do you think we'd be like?								
2015-06-13 20:43:17		Just curious								
2015-06-13 20:42:59		Maybe eventually. Why's that?								
2015-06-13 20:42:23		Yeah we do. Do you think we'd be like this if we actually met 								
2015-06-13 20:41:57		We have an interesting dynamic lol								
2015-06-13 20:41:14		You love it lol 								
2015-06-13 20:41:01		Bully								
2015-06-13 20:40:15		Lol just teasing you 								
2015-06-13 20:39:59		Because I like you and we've known each other for years. Why the 3rd 								
	degree?								
2015-06-13 20:39:00		Now why would that matter to you 								
2015-06-13 20:37:02		That's what I just said								
2015-06-13 20:36:42		It does does it 								
2015-06-13 20:35:57		Because your opinion of me matters to me?								
2015-06-13 20:34:49		Now why would you want that 								
2015-06-13 20:34:35		Maybe I'd just like you to think so								
2015-06-13 20:34:11		You like to think so don't you 								
2015-06-13 19:41:27		I am very good								
2015-06-13 19:37:38		Good 
2015-06-13 19:37:22		I'll trust ya								
2015-06-13 19:35:42		Ever 								
2015-06-13 19:34:20		Never ever?								
2015-06-13 19:34:04		Never 								
2015-06-13 19:32:02		Should I be worried? Haha								
2015-06-13 19:30:42		
2015-06-13 19:30:05		We'll see lol								
2015-06-13 19:29:49		I'll let you know 
2015-06-13 19:29:18		For how long? 
2015-06-13 19:28:50		You'll just have to wait and see 								
2015-06-13 19:25:44		What are you planning now I mean that there's an else haha								
2015-06-13 19:25:03		Yep 
2015-06-13 19:23:01		Anything else?								
2015-06-13 19:22:29		Who says I'm planning anything else 								
2015-06-13 19:19:06		Depends what you're planning haha								
2015-06-13 19:18:26		You sure about that 								
2015-06-13 19:17:22		I would never do that I don't think								
2015-06-13 19:14:09		You never talk to me again lol								
2015-06-13 19:13:41		What's the worst that could happen? Lol								
2015-06-13 19:11:27		Sometimes 								
2015-06-13 19:11:05		Do you really think you're too honest with me?								
2015-06-13 19:10:09		I don't 
2015-06-13 19:09:54		Why would you want to scare me off? 
2015-06-13 19:09:22		Well true I haven't scared you off after this long so must take a bit to scare								
	 you 								
2015-06-13 19:08:34		How do you plan to do that? Lol								
2015-06-13 19:07:45		Really....wouldn't  want to scare you off lol								
2015-06-13 19:07:09		Never too honest 
2015-06-13 19:06:43		Or to honest lol 								
2015-06-13 19:06:19		You're too kind lol								
2015-06-13 19:04:14		Lol not denying anything 								
2015-06-13 19:03:40		You could always deny it haha								
2015-06-13 19:03:12		Yep I walked in to that one didn't I lol 								
2015-06-13 19:02:37		I make you speechless do I? Haha								
2015-06-13 19:00:08		Lol I couldn't think of anything to say 								
2015-06-13 18:59:50		Now that's a conversation killer 
2015-06-13 18:59:20		Fair enough 								
2015-06-13 18:55:35		Well they either circle or become wildly inappropriate lol								
2015-06-13 18:55:07		Lol our conversations go in circles								
2015-06-13 18:54:27		Couldn't help myself								
2015-06-13 18:54:12		This again lol 								
2015-06-13 18:53:52		Always with the excuses								
2015-06-13 18:51:34		It would be cold before you get it 								
2015-06-13 18:51:13		Are you gonna make me a cup of coffee/tea/hot choc? Haha								
2015-06-13 18:42:44		Hold a cup of coffee/tea/hot choc 								
2015-06-13 18:42:12		I don't have one, or rather I'm lazy								
2015-06-13 18:38:47		Put them in front of a heater of cause 								
2015-06-13 18:34:24		What did you have in mind? 								
2015-06-13 18:33:21		"Think you can find a way of warming them up....
I start running tomorrow. "								
	First time since I busted my foot 								
2015-06-13 18:30:53		Yeah, it sucked. My hands are frozen haha								
2015-06-13 18:25:13		So did you end up going for that run 								
2015-06-13 18:23:49		Pew pew!								
2015-06-13 18:21:49		Good!								
2015-06-13 18:21:15		I do say so 								
2015-06-13 18:20:30		If you say so 
2015-06-13 18:16:11		Not avoiding anything 								
2015-06-13 18:15:35		Avoiding much haha								
2015-06-13 18:12:52		Still figuring that out lol 								
2015-06-13 18:12:01		Why then? 
2015-06-13 18:08:45		Not its not lol 								
2015-06-13 18:08:01		Is that why you like me so much? 
2015-06-13 18:06:36		Nothing wrong about being a little cocky 								
2015-06-13 18:05:27		Hardly haha, just a statement 
2015-06-13 18:02:59		Cocky much lol 								
2015-06-13 18:01:16		Most things I say are true								
2015-06-13 17:55:39		Yeah that's true 								
2015-06-13 17:44:53		In any case it's hard to say 'if you say so' and sound sincerely lol								
2015-06-13 17:36:11		Actually it wasn't lol 								

[Clay]

I wouldn't give her another second of your time. Its her job to come to you and work with you when she has problems with the relationship. Its not your fault she chose to go have a relationship with someone else. Your best to just start working on yourself and planning your departure from this relationship.

 

Read up on 180 It will really help you with focusing on yourself.

 

There are far better women out there.

 

Clay

[TrustedthenBusted]

having an affair, while pressuring you to marry her, while not having sex ( with you ) but cheating on multiple partners in the past, and planning a romp with OM?

 

dude...

 

My motto is...No marriage? No kids? No house? No Problem!

 

Cut bait.

 

Hell, send them both a group text when you do it.

[bubbaganoosh]

You know her history. She cheated on her last boy friend and the remorse was from getting caught, nothing else.

 

Dude, get out of this while you still have your wits. She isn't the type you want to have a relationship with. Your setting yourself up for some serious hurting. Be done with it and move on.

[TaraMaiden2]

"Hello dear, just sit in the house while I set fire to it. It will shortly become a raging inferno, ok?

 

Ok, I'm sure it won't hurt... but I'll blow on the flames, to try to extinguish them..."

 

Leave the house. Take everything you want with you.

Let her burn it down, you won't be around to feel the heat.

[jen1447]

I don't see anything to salvage here OP, unless you're content to be a part-timer w/your girl. Are you?

[Mr. Lucky]

I apologise to make people read so much, but I need help to figure out the best way to go about this, as I cannot decide.

 

Your long post is a waste of time. Not of ours, of yours.

 

Do you really need strangers on an Internet forum to decipher her obvious intent? This isn't someone with your interests in mind and in fact seems actively bent on harming you. Not a relationship candidate were she the last person on earth...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Morro72]

She has been pressuring me for over a year now to get married. I have been holding off as I am studying full time and wanted to get that out of the way first. I've told her this, tried my best to reinforce that I want to marry her, but "whats a few years if we are meant for each other?" was my theory.

It looks like you've learned that you are in fact not meant for each other, so it's good that you didn't rush into anything.

 

Now, however, you should rush. 180 degrees away from her, as fast as your legs can carry you.

 

And don't look back.

[aliveagain]

Friend, with her history I doubt any man will make her happy for very long. If she's cheating on you before you marry her she'll be cheating on you after she marries you(how will you keep her amused for the rest of your life if she's already looking for some strange now?). This is the cheapest it will ever cost you to get her out of your life. Run. When you confront her tell her you took the ring off of layaway.

[coryreply]

Sorry OP. This does not look good at all. At least you're not already married.

 

If you confronted her with this conversation, how do you think she would respond?

[understand50]

Friend, with her history I doubt any man will make her happy for very long. If she's cheating on you before you marry her she'll be cheating on you after she marries you(how will you keep her amused for the rest of your life if she's already looking for some strange now?). This is the cheapest it will ever cost you to get her out of your life. Run. When you confront her tell her you took the ring off of layaway.

 

I try and be the one who suggests to try and work things out, but there is nothing here to work with. You need to talk to her, let her know what you know, and then leave. You cannot start a life with someone who with holds sex, and then plans to meet with her AP.

 

Do not be a "No Go" in life.

[Friskyone4u]

Seems like there is unanamous agreement here that you need to get rid of her. If you marry this girl you will be sorry big tiime.

 

If you do not have enough to confront her with now, I guess you never will. Why wait. I hope you are not planning to sit there, let her go on the trip at Christmas so she can have sex with him.

 

This one is as clear cut as they get. Consider yourself one lucky man and move on quickly.

[Keenly]

Do not confront her or even give her a chance to change.your mind.

 

 

Cut it off, even if you have to do it via text, and leave it at that. Don't answer the phone. Don't respond to the 500 texts you'll get, don't agree to meet in person etc.

 

Just leave this woman. Why be with an unfaithful, manipulative evil woman who will use sex as a tool against You.

[eric1]

If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it's a duck.

 

Seperate all of your affairs without her knowing. Like get what you can from her house or whatever without being obvious. When you have everything you need then shoot her a text "I am breaking up with you for carrying on an emotional affair with X. Infidelity is a deal breaker for me. I wish you the best"

 

Prior to sending it block her on all social networks, send her emails to spam, etc . Then plan on not being home for a few days.

[Darren Steez]

Your GF previous got some tail from other men that were not her boyfriend.

 

Your GF is trying to get tail from someone other than you.

 

You don't fix this. But you start running as far as those legs will take ya!

 

Remember speedy gonzalez..something like that...ga-zing!!

[Lyvewyrez]

I don't see anything to salvage here OP, unless you're content to be a part-timer w/your girl. Are you?

 

Not exactly sure what you mean, but honestly if I was to call it off, I wouldn't want anything to do with her. By part-timer do you mean she can float between whoever she wants?

 

 

Sorry OP. This does not look good at all. At least you're not already married.

 

If you confronted her with this conversation, how do you think she would respond?

 

See this is the problem I am facing, is how to go about it. I've been told by a friend that using what I've found will just give ammunition to throw it back in my face, make out like I'm the evil one.

 

I was thinking of giving her a chance to own up to everything, at least if she does then I don't need to pull out any evidence. If she stubbornly refuses to tell me though, then it gets complicated. Those of us who are wronged feel vindicated by finding this kind of thing, where those who get found out will always fall back on "how dare you go behind my back and find out stuff on me" ironically, completely ignoring their own infidelity.

 

What I am glad to see though, is that I am not alone in my opinion of where it is at. I was worried that I wasn't seeing things clearly (hard to be objective when it's your own situation) and that I was overreacting.

 

Seems like there is unanamous agreement here that you need to get rid of her. If you marry this girl you will be sorry big tiime.

 

If you do not have enough to confront her with now, I guess you never will. Why wait. I hope you are not planning to sit there, let her go on the trip at Christmas so she can have sex with him.

 

This one is as clear cut as they get. Consider yourself one lucky man and move on quickly.

 

Yeah, opinions are very unanimous, was hoping that wouldn't be the case but I guess I'd only be fooling myself if I thought it would be the other way around.

 

No intentions of waiting for the deed to happen. I'll be making sure it doesn't before it comes to that.

 

 

Thanks everyone for taking time to reply, I appreciate the honesty.

[Lyvewyrez]

I wouldn't give her another second of your time. Its her job to come to you and work with you when she has problems with the relationship. Its not your fault she chose to go have a relationship with someone else. Your best to just start working on yourself and planning your departure from this relationship.

 

Read up on 180 It will really help you with focusing on yourself.

 

There are far better women out there.

 

Clay

 

I've had a look around the forums but cannot find any exact post about doing a 180, was there a specific post or are you talking in general?

[beach]

I'm not sure how old you are but I'll guess early 20's.

 

The relationship issues you've described seem like something I would end a R over.

 

She's doesn't have sex with you but once a year and you're ok with that? That's odd.

 

And she spends time and energy focused on other men? I wouldn't like that either.

 

You don't say how your emotional connection is - but I gather its weak because she's focused on other men. How can she put effort into YOUR relationship when she's paying attention to other men?

 

 

Why in the heck would she want to get married when she isn't even adequate to date? What does she offer you? Do not marry her anytime soon.

 

I can't see why she is worth it. What about your needs? Why don't your needs matter?

 

Since you are busy studying why not be on your own and then you will have less worry?

[Noirek]

Your only dating and haven't had sex in over a year?

 

That alone unless for religeous reasons should be enough for you to end this mess.

[merrmeade]

Originally Posted by jen1447

I don't see anything to salvage here OP, unless you're content to be a part-timer w/your girl. Are you?

Not exactly sure what you mean, but honestly if I was to call it off, I wouldn't want anything to do with her. By part-timer do you mean she can float between whoever she wants?

Originally Posted by coryreply

If you confronted her with this conversation, how do you think she would respond?

See this is the problem I am facing, is how to go about it. I've been told by a friend that using what I've found will just give ammunition to throw it back in my face, make out like I'm the evil one.

 

I was thinking of giving her a chance to own up to everything, at least if she does then I don't need to pull out any evidence. If she stubbornly refuses to tell me though, then it gets complicated. Those of us who are wronged feel vindicated by finding this kind of thing, where those who get found out will always fall back on "how dare you go behind my back and find out stuff on me" ironically, completely ignoring their own infidelity.

 

What I am glad to see though, is that I am not alone in my opinion of where it is at. I was worried that I wasn't seeing things clearly (hard to be objective when it's your own situation) and that I was overreacting.

... "unless you're content to be a part-timer w/your girl" is definitely sarcasm. Legitimate question for someone new to a forum called "loveshack."

 

You came here for "external input" because you are not getting support for the intimidation and abuse you're dealing with. Your 'friend' is not helping to suggest you can't handle her; don't seek advice there again. You should be validated that your "opinion of where it is at" is spot on, and you're "seeing things clearly."

 

Think a second: You have proof that she's intentionally deceiving you, chatting provocatively with an old flame with a history of infidelity. And you did WHAT wrong? Found the evidence? Just stay calm and keep thinking when she or anyone else tries to put you on the defensive. Why is the person doing that? Maybe she's learned that you will back down if she can intimidate you.

 

Keep thinking: If you suspected her of cheating (which she was) and looked in her chats, you don't owe an explanation. Its not about what you did! You don't have to justify or apologize. She never had a right to privacy to hide cheating on you. She had no right to expect to be trusted; she has no right to challenge your loss of trust.

 

Memorize what you need to from different posts that make sense and give you strength.

 

Also if you're hoping for a confession, don't. That's the problem, remember? She lies. If you need to confront, just do it and get it over with, but don't expect satisfaction from her. When she shuts up because she can't defend herself or manipulate you, that will have to be your satisfaction.

 

You must NOT be me and lose years of your life to a serial cheater.

[Bryanp]

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

 

She really has been playing you for a fool. She has no respect for you.

If you do not respect yourself then who will? Enough is enough.

[jen1447]

Not exactly sure what you mean, but honestly if I was to call it off, I wouldn't want anything to do with her. By part-timer do you mean she can float between whoever she wants?

 

While I was being mildly sarcastic, being as I assume you don't want to date her part time, there are ppl who can handle giving up part of their woman's attention in order to hang onto the rest. You seemed to be bargaining for your piece of the pie initially rather than just seeing the cold facts of what she's up to, so in that context it would be a possibility if you're that guy (and she's that girl). But you can disregard it now since you've cleared up your feelings on this.

[m.snow]

this aint an advice you should follow, but i think its time to teach someone a lesson.

 

i say its time to be cruel and sadistic. i say revenge is a dish best served cold.

 

the so/gf doesn't know you have this info.

 

i can think of so many ways to hurt her bad. i found this on the net.

use this: "fake proposal"

-arrange a place to propose preferably a lake or pond.

-buy a fake ring.

-propose on said place

-before handing her the ring throw it to lake/pond

-give her the transcript

-leave her there

 

before taking on this plan. i say as a man use her for all shes worth. F her good. your a guy u lose nothing by Fing her!

 

evil! ~ again just a suggestion, dont follow.

 

if not again just "lead her on" use her for sex.

she is already a slut. (not wife material)

as such she should be used just for sex. while you prepare yourself for another/better woman.

Edited June 23, 2015 by m.snow

[Cephalopod]

She's just a girlfriend. You're not married. Dump her. Dump her and find a woman who understands monogamy.

[Lyvewyrez]

... "unless you're content to be a part-timer w/your girl" is definitely sarcasm. Legitimate question for someone new to a forum called "loveshack."

 

You came here for "external input" because you are not getting support for the intimidation and abuse you're dealing with. Your 'friend' is not helping to suggest you can't handle her; don't seek advice there again. You should be validated that your "opinion of where it is at" is spot on, and you're "seeing things clearly."

 

Think a second: You have proof that she's intentionally deceiving you, chatting provocatively with an old flame with a history of infidelity. And you did WHAT wrong? Found the evidence? Just stay calm and keep thinking when she or anyone else tries to put you on the defensive. Why is the person doing that? Maybe she's learned that you will back down if she can intimidate you.

 

Keep thinking: If you suspected her of cheating (which she was) and looked in her chats, you don't owe an explanation. Its not about what you did! You don't have to justify or apologize. She never had a right to privacy to hide cheating on you. She had no right to expect to be trusted; she has no right to challenge your loss of trust.

 

Memorize what you need to from different posts that make sense and give you strength.

 

Also if you're hoping for a confession, don't. That's the problem, remember? She lies. If you need to confront, just do it and get it over with, but don't expect satisfaction from her. When she shuts up because she can't defend herself or manipulate you, that will have to be your satisfaction.

 

You must NOT be me and lose years of your life to a serial cheater.

 

There's a number of great points here and I appreciate it.

 

You came here for "external input" because you are not getting support for the intimidation and abuse you're dealing with. Your 'friend' is not helping to suggest you can't handle her; don't seek advice there again. You should be validated that your "opinion of where it is at" is spot on, and you're "seeing things clearly."

 

My choice of words in that novel was probably not the best, but what I was seeking about seeing clearly is whether anyone can explain her perspective. I've been told it could be a 'desire for fulfillment' issue (though I cannot honestly see where). I cannot understand this dual persona of pushing for monogamous marriage while maintaining this EA. Is it a deep seeded need for marriage, and because I am not at a stage of my life to do so, she's fishing elsewhere to see if she can get a bite while maintaining the charade? I want to understand what is going through her head, but I will never believe anything she tells me anymore.

 

Think a second: You have proof that she's intentionally deceiving you, chatting provocatively with an old flame with a history of infidelity. And you did WHAT wrong? Found the evidence? Just stay calm and keep thinking when she or anyone else tries to put you on the defensive. Why is the person doing that? Maybe she's learned that you will back down if she can intimidate you.

 

Keep thinking: If you suspected her of cheating (which she was) and looked in her chats, you don't owe an explanation. Its not about what you did! You don't have to justify or apologize. She never had a right to privacy to hide cheating on you. She had no right to expect to be trusted; she has no right to challenge your loss of trust.

 

Yeah I was thinking the same today. I do not need to prove anything to her, I know the truth. She knows it, even if she wont admit it to my face. Maybe she has learnt that, I've always been the soul of diplomacy, always staying calm in arguments and never getting emotional, staying rational about things. Often times that means I've refrained from being blunt and harsh. That's going to have to change.

 

She's doesn't have sex with you but once a year and you're ok with that? That's odd.

 

The reason has been due to the sever pain she felt during penetration. Found out what was probably the cause during a routine pap-smear (so she never made much effort in trying to fix it) and have treated it. That was about 3 months ago, around the same time she changed from her old pill (Qlaira) to a new one. So the slight expectation was that her libido would increase due to not being dampened by the pill she was on, but there's been no change there either.

 

I always had a pessimism in the back of mind about the whole thing, but up until recently I trusted she was being truthful. I had to, if I wanted the relationship to work there had to be trust.

 

You don't say how your emotional connection is - but I gather its weak because she's focused on other men. How can she put effort into YOUR relationship when she's paying attention to other men?

 

It was weak for awhile, but in the last 6 months I've been trying to make it better. I just haven't got the same feeling from her, though she's been telling me she's been trying.

 

 

Why in the heck would she want to get married when she isn't even adequate to date? What does she offer you? Do not marry her anytime soon.

 

Well I don't consider I'm dating her. Dating to me lacks commitment of any kind. I've been committed to her for 3 years and love(d) her a lot. That love has been shattered to I'm not sure what since finding all this out.

 

I can't see why she is worth it. What about your needs? Why don't your needs matter?

 

Since you are busy studying why not be on your own and then you will have less worry?

 

Well the 'worth' was the commitment I made to try my best in the relationship. Love. Up until these revelations I thought we were meant for each other. As to your question about needs... Yeah, I've been ignoring my needs for a long time in the naive hope that she will eventually want to tend to them. Previous to this revelation, I thought things could improve.

 

Your only dating and haven't had sex in over a year?

 

That alone unless for religeous reasons should be enough for you to end this mess.

 

There were medical reasons why it wasn't happening, and we'd discussed it plenty of times and it came down to her asking me to be patient and that things will hopefully get better and that she is really sorry. Though pretty much, those reasons are now null and void and yet no improvement.

 

That isn't to say we haven't been physical in over a year. Just hasn't been intercourse.

 

She really has been playing you for a fool. She has no respect for you.

If you do not respect yourself then who will? Enough is enough.

 

Yeah, until recently I've been ignoring this, but it is essentially how I feel.

 

She's just a girlfriend. You're not married. Dump her. Dump her and find a woman who understands monogamy.

 

Trust me I want to. But I guess I've been SO invested into trying to make this relationship work, believing and trusting in the persona she is trying to show me, that I've been ignoring the signs even though I could see them. I just wanted to believe that it could work. Sounds like a cliche really now I say it. But now I can see the little things. There are some mitigating circumstances that are stopping me from ending it tomorrow, but I agree with the general consensus of the thread that it is not salvageable.

 

It is difficult to come to terms with, as she seems totally sincere when she tells me she loves me. That is what I am struggling with at the moment, thinking along the lines of 'what if she truly does love me.' It doesn't excuse what she's done, nor could I ever trust her again, so I know there cannot be a relationship there. But if she truly does, I guess I just want to understand why put the energy into someone else. Is it just a case of 'she is comfortable and just waiting for a better opportunity' (as it sounds like she is trying to create an opportunity with OM).

 

Again thanks everyone who has taken the time to post, I appreciate all of it.