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Just about finished


duckrabbit

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Hello, everyone. It's been a while since I've posted here, it seems. The last time I wrote was about a dating app I found on my WWs phone. That was actually an overreaction on my part; the app was listed in a category of top apps and was never actually installed on the phone. It was listed with several other games and different programs. Anyhow, that isn't the point of this post.

 

 

I have started to plan an exit strategy based on events that happened this week. After a trip to NY with my kids, we came home and things were relatively calm. That was until I got a notice in the mail stating that our house was about to enter foreclosure because, after I called the mortgage company, my wife hadn't paid the mortgage (her one major bill responsibility) in the last four months. I confronted her about this and she, at first, played it off like it was no big deal and she'd pay in the morning and all will be resolved. After pushing her to realize the enormity of what this meant and telling her point blank that I had zero trust and/or faith in her at this point she left the house for a while, then came back and slept on the couch. Two nights ago we talked again, me trying once more to make her realize the impact this had made on me. She responded that this was how she always has been and she doesn't worry too much about it because things always work out in the end. To me, this is an entirely irresponsible way to lead one's life when there are kids involved.

 

 

Again, she packed a bag and left the house, telling me to apologize to the kids. Again, she came back after a short time to sleep. She then insisted that I apologize to her for being so mean and for constantly beating her up about the A plus this new development. Now, I rarely bring up the A except for in MC, which, by the way, she decided to stop seeing. I told her that, honestly, I could be far more mean if I wanted to and, moreover, that I had the complete right to be pissed off about potentially losing our home to her negligence. Her position is that, since she apologized, I should simply forgive and let it all go. I simply responded that even if I were to forgive her, that wouldn't mean that the problems were gone.

 

 

I have reached the conclusion that this marriage is untenable. She won't let me have the passwords to her bank account (we have always maintained separate account) so that I can monitor the mortgage payments. She displays little interest in going to a new MC and, honestly, I'm not sure that there is a point now. I am going to do what I need to in order to protect myself and my kids. Part of me is conflicted, feeling like there is more that I can or should do but, objectively, I don't know that this is a situation in which I feel safe anymore from an emotional standpoint or a financial one.

 

 

Before I make any declarations of intent to divorce, however, I need to have my exit plan in order. First order of business: find a job that can sustain myself plus the kids. This is already in process, with an initial interview set for today plus I am in the running for at least one other well paying job. After that, I get a little hazy; I would rather go the route of divorce mediation rather than get drawn into an expensive battle. I think that she will agree to this as it would be more in the kids interest as well. If she doesn't then I have a few lawyers in mind to contact. I have ample documentation both of her A and of her mental instability if it comes down to a custody battle. Does anyone here have any further insights? To those who have been following my other threads for a while, do you think that this is the right course of action, given everything that has transpired? Thanks for your input.

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She's extremely irresponsible in not making the mortgage payments.

 

She's being immature and she's no idea what being a wife and a mother entails.

 

Where has that money been going ?

 

Her behaviour doesn't show remorse by saying you're being mean about the affair. It shows she doesn't grasp the enormity of her affair .

 

You need safety and security for your kids. I think her not paying the mortgage will work in your favour with custody. How can she provide a secure home for the kids like this.

 

Sorry it hasn't worked out, but she doesn't get it and you deserve better.

 

I hope you can get things sorted out with the house .

 

Is there any way you can have the mortgage payment come from your account? If she transfers the mortgage money to you each month ?

 

She can keep her passwords that way.

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flowergirl14

I'm pretty forgetful. I just forgot one of my kids appointments today. Aargh! However, 4 months not paying the mortage thats crazy. I always feel terrible if I forget anything. However, it sounds like her head is clouded. Like she cant focus. Maybe you should sit down and have a talk about divorce. See what she is thinking. Maybe you are Both wanting one? Her actions say she is struggling as are you. So sorry for you.

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She has been footing more of the bills as my work has been part time lately; however, the point I made is that in that case she should talk to me or find a family member who can help a bit. There was no attempt on her part to communicate about the fact that she occasionally did not have the money to manage the mortgage. The other odd point is that she paid the whole past due balance in one lump sum, indicating that she had some reserve and that maybe she wasn't so desperate for money as she made it sound. All too fishy.

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understand50

duckrabbit,

 

My own 2 cents:

 

In answer to your question:

 

"Does anyone here have any further insights? To those who have been following my other threads for a while, do you think that this is the right course of action, given everything that has transpired?"

 

Yes, this is the right course of action. Financial infidelity is just as deadly as sexual infidelity, and breaks up more marriages. You can not live in a marriage with all doubt you have, from will she cheat on you, to is she paying the bill she is supposed to.

 

Some questions:

 

1) Did she make the payments, or is the house going to foreclose? What became of the money? Money missing from a marriage is a big red flag for a drug, gambling or other spending problem. It can be a big red flag that she is also seeing someone. She could also be planing to leave you and this is her nest egg. So get to the bottom of this.

 

2) BTW, all married couples should have their own accounts but the other should be on it. If for no other reason, if one of you dies or is sick the other can access the funds. The fact that you wife will not show you the bank statements is proof she is hiding something.

 

3) in the divorce, you can have the court mandate this, as they take a dim view of one side hiding assets. I do not think you can go, or should go the "easy" rout. You need to find out what she has done with the money.

 

Now having stated that. If you decide to try and reconcile, you have to treat her finical infidelity just the same as sexual. Full disclosure, full transparency, you know the drill.

 

I think, at the hart of it, your wife does not see her self as invested in your marriage. From the sexual betrayal, to the financial betrayal, it is not about "US" you, or her children, it is all about her. Her needs, her wants, her life. It is for you to decide if it is time to let her stand by herself.

 

Take care of your kids, and good luck.

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She cheated - you tried to reconcile - it didn't work. Divorce her - it's the best thing for all.

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