CharmAllen Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 I think I am an idiot for writing this.....for allowing myself to be in this situation. I am 41 years old and this is my second marriage. I believe in my gut that my husband is cheating or has cheated and stopped. I really dont know. For his birthday he was suppose to go on a weekend fishing trip, he has done this before....but this time he packed a suitcase. And it was juturnedst weird how he packed it. Like he didnt want me to see what was in it. We have been up and down all year and I had other reasons why I was suspicious. Even called him out on it. But he always had a reason. With this trip it did not feel right....but I did not want to fight so I watched him drive away. Later that night my stomach turned....and I looked in his closet. his dress shoes were not there. I lost it. Now I have a idea of who the woman is. So I got on Facebook and looked at her page and there were pictures....tagged view from our room and lucky me the phone number was there too. I called and asked for my husband and they rang his room. I wanted to die. I left a message on the hotel phone wishing him a happy birthday. Now part of me wanted to go to the hotel and let him see me see them...but I knew I would not let it end there I would have a public outburst and embarrass myself. I texted him and texted him it was not until I finally said I wish I was dead that he responded. He came home the next day two days early. And asked why I freaked and I told him what I did. And he said to me that we should play the lottery that what were the odds that another man with his name was at the same hotel. I just sat there and told him that I did not trust him and everytime he leaves the house I think he is going to her. He has not worked in 6 years. and She lives off of her husbands military pension (he passed away 2 years ago). Why am I here???? We dont have kids...he has kids with his first marriage. And the other sick part of this is his oldest daughter is really good friends with her daughter. I know that I can be on my own. I do love him... My mind beats me up and says tell him to leave. I talk myself up but my heart says not yet when I about to say it. He says that he is unhappy with his life. He can not survive on his own. And feels trapped because of it. and he needs to fix that before we can work. But I dont see any changes. He still goes out with some lame ass excuse. Do I stay ????? Everytime his phone gets a text..is it her...or he sits in the tub with his fun is it her??? Can I stay??? Am I stupid for staying???? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 If you can leave, and are in a position to do so, then yes, you should definitely leave. That's it and all of it. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Am I stupid for staying???? If you're asking this question, you probably already know the answer. Good luck to you, and don't worry about whether he'll be able to manage without you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Get out. You deserve better and he clearly isn't worth it. Never stay with a cheater. Its never worth it in my opinion. Clay 2 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 And he said to me that we should play the lottery that what were the odds that another man with his name was at the same hotel. This goes on the list of "most ridiculous lies ever." 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 I think I am an idiot for writing this.....for allowing myself to be in this situation. I am 41 years old and this is my second marriage. I believe in my gut that my husband is cheating or has cheated and stopped. I really dont know. For his birthday he was suppose to go on a weekend fishing trip, he has done this before....but this time he packed a suitcase. And it was juturnedst weird how he packed it. Like he didnt want me to see what was in it. We have been up and down all year and I had other reasons why I was suspicious. Even called him out on it. But he always had a reason. With this trip it did not feel right....but I did not want to fight so I watched him drive away. Later that night my stomach turned....and I looked in his closet. his dress shoes were not there. I lost it. Now I have a idea of who the woman is. So I got on Facebook and looked at her page and there were pictures....tagged view from our room and lucky me the phone number was there too. I called and asked for my husband and they rang his room. I wanted to die. I left a message on the hotel phone wishing him a happy birthday. Now part of me wanted to go to the hotel and let him see me see them...but I knew I would not let it end there I would have a public outburst and embarrass myself. I texted him and texted him it was not until I finally said I wish I was dead that he responded. He came home the next day two days early. And asked why I freaked and I told him what I did. And he said to me that we should play the lottery that what were the odds that another man with his name was at the same hotel. I just sat there and told him that I did not trust him and everytime he leaves the house I think he is going to her. He has not worked in 6 years. and She lives off of her husbands military pension (he passed away 2 years ago). Why am I here???? We dont have kids...he has kids with his first marriage. And the other sick part of this is his oldest daughter is really good friends with her daughter. I know that I can be on my own. I do love him... My mind beats me up and says tell him to leave. I talk myself up but my heart says not yet when I about to say it. He says that he is unhappy with his life. He can not survive on his own. And feels trapped because of it. and he needs to fix that before we can work. But I dont see any changes. He still goes out with some lame ass excuse. Do I stay ????? Everytime his phone gets a text..is it her...or he sits in the tub with his fun is it her??? Can I stay??? Am I stupid for staying???? Why would you stay? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 And he said to me that we should play the lottery that what were the odds that another man with his name was at the same hotel. ? Unbelievable...talk about gaslighting. Don't let him take you for a fool. What utter bull. If you stay, make it clear you don't believe this pile of croc even though you're not leaving. When you let a man disrespect you like this with no consequences, why on earth will he stop. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 What a jerk. Divorce and run. Once he gets back, he will try to brainwash you into believing him again. Don't fall for it, also not for fake crocodile tears. Are there any attorneys where you live? Is there someone you could stay with for a while, family perhaps? If yes, pack your things ASAP and go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 He says that he is unhappy with his life. He can not survive on his own. And feels trapped because of it. and he needs to fix that before we can work. I am so sorry for your situation and the pain that you are enduring. The above quote is a bunch of hogwash and he needs to know it. He also needs to know that marriage is an "all in" proposition and he needs to decide what he is doing. I highly recommend the book Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis by Dr. James Dobson. It will give you practical steps to take in dealing with your husband. One of the principles he discusses is getting control over your emotions and talking from a calm exterior as you confront him. When you are hysterical or highly emotional, you are actually handing the power over to your husband. If you can respond in a nonchalant, matter-of-fact manner, some of that power is taken back. Dr. Dobson puts these principles into very clear instructions. I think it would be a big help. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
flowergirl14 Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 Leave..this advice from someone who stayed and the h kept cheating. Leave now! Also check out chumplady.com There are a lot of stories on their similar to yours. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 He has not worked in 6 years. So, he lets YOU support him and then he has the gall to cheat and act like a horse's ass? I can't imagine why anyone would stay with such a loser. You could go down to the homeless section of town and bring home a wino who has more integrity than this jerk you married. I don't get it. I just don't. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 Why work when you have two women supporting you? The best he could come up with is "what were the odds that another man with his name was staying at the same hotel?" This is not who you want to grow old with, being single is better than this. He hasn't worked in six years and is still unhappy and needs to work on himself before he can make it with you? My dear, if his birthday suitcase is still packed help him carry it to the door, throw his mooching cheating a$$ out then call a lawyer. What is there to save? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 CharmAllen, He has not worked in 6 years. So you are supporting this freeloader and allowing him to tell you a crock and you believe it?? Am I stupid for staying???? Yes, yes and yes !! Please grow a backbone and start packing - now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CharmAllen Posted June 21, 2015 Author Share Posted June 21, 2015 He actually needs to leave. The house is in my name alone. I know that it is stupid that I am staying. One thing I am worried about is having to pay him alimony....since I have been supporting him. You know I never thought that we would get here. And that I would have to worry about paying him. He talks about how I am moody...negative...just like my mother. (what every girl wants to hear). I lost a huge piece of my heart three years ago my dad died. When he became sick I could not handle it. I worked two jobs so I would not be able to go home. I only went when it was serious. The day he died I went home to support my mom with my sister and brother. Later in the weekend their family's came. I was left alone....no husband..... He has always told me that he can not deal with death. He does not know how to. That he just ignores it. But I was his wife who had just lost the first man that I have ever trust. He should of sucked it up and be there. But I went thru it alone. When I came home....I want to start fresh.....make my dad proud. But the more I pushed I became more depressed. I lashed out against my mom, sister and brother....I was drowning...nothing help...And my husband let it happen. He went on doing what he wanted...fish,hang out with the guys..whatever. I stayed in....stayed alone....gained weight...became resentful.....I had all the responsibility and no one to be there for me if I fall apart. And that is all I ever wanted. I take care of everyone....everyone is put before me. but who is there for me. I know I have to take care of myself. But I want to be someone priority I want to be someone I keep listening to White Horse by Taylor Swift. And that is how I feel. I have since made up with my mom, brother and sister. And I have been going to a therapist to help myself. And yes my hopeless attitude may have done damage to my marriage but my husband should of been my support. I have explained that to him and he still talks about how he does not deal with death. Do I think he looked for other woman because I gained weight...yes because I stopped wanting to do things...yes but he allowed it and just left me alone.. I know I am a fool for staying or allowing him to stay here. My therapist says that I need to have him leave when I am ready to accept me saying it. My head is ready but my heart do not let the words come out. I do need to grow a backbone again.....I need to find me again Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 This is a case where your heart will catch up with your head, once you make the decision. Can I assume that he paid for this hotel with the money you earned? As someone who had to pay spousal support, I can tell you that it sucks to do it, but it's the price of freedom. Think of it as the way you get out of indentured servitude. You buy your freedom, one monthly check at a time. It's only money. Your self-worth is more valuable. Throw him out. He doesn't love you. Being alone beats the heck out of being used like this. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 Consult with an attorney and get an idea of how much you'd have to pay in alimony. The sooner you get shut of him, the better. Otherwise the longer you're married the more you'll end up paying him. Is there a reason he can't work? 6 years out of work. What does he do everyday ? This man is the weight you need to loose , If he has no good reason to be unemployed I'm sorry but I have an aversion to chronic unemployment. I find them very unattractive. I've worked in some capacity since I was a teenager , so I'm not tolerant of laziness like that. The cheek of him , going to a hotel with your hard earned cash. Personally , if I were you, I'd put him on a monthly allowance . A small one at that . Then he can't even be a man and support you when your dad passed away.........really what good is he? Nobody likes dealing with death. It's hard on everyone, but a spouse should be supportive. What are you getting out of this marriage? A loving faithful husband? No A supportive one? No A providing husband? No A husband that takes you for a fool , while you provide for him? Yes He's a user. Let him find someone else to use. Really , he's not sounding so great. Open an account in your name only and keep rainy day money there. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts