What I didn't know didn't hurt me????

[I4givehim]

I have a question. Do you think you are better off knowing about the A or what you didn't know didn't hurt you. I wonder if my husband just slithered out of the A, like the snake he is, what would life be like now. I wouldn't have known all the deceitful things he did to me. I wouldn't have all this pain ect... Life would be normal.

[Furious]

I have a question. Do you think you are better off knowing about the A or what you didn't know didn't hurt you. I wonder if my husband just slithered out of the A, like the snake he is, what would life be like now. I wouldn't have known all the deceitful things he did to me. I wouldn't have all this pain ect... Life would be normal.

 

 

What you don't know is still hurtful, in a way it's more hurtful than knowing.

 

How many people would not have a child with someone who is cheating on them, how many would not invest their time and finances on someone who is cheating on them. How many would not want to share body fluids and the risk of std's by not knowing.

 

I prefer pain from the truth than pain from lies.

 

If anyone has a healthy sense of self respect would want to know, it's cheaters who think what you don't know will not hurt you...and that's hogwash. Cheaters don't want their spouse to know the truth not because it will hurt their spouse but because they are protecting themselves from consequence.

[Clay]

I think there is no doubt some people would rather have not known. I think for me I want to know the truth regardless of how horrible it is. I have read many people here argue not being honest for there SO's own good. I just simply disagree with that.

 

I think when we are being put at risk by either physical violence or some kind of a disease we should know. Someone has to make the tough decisions and in my case where I had children with her It was best to get them away from her as soon as possible.

 

Be thankful you know the truth and the lies are no longer hidden. You can now move on with your life and make things better.

 

Clay

[10thengineerharrison]

I have a question. Do you think you are better off knowing about the A or what you didn't know didn't hurt you. I wonder if my husband just slithered out of the A, like the snake he is, what would life be like now. I wouldn't have known all the deceitful things he did to me. I wouldn't have all this pain ect... Life would be normal.

 

As I think I've said to someone else on here - something that was said to me in a therapy session:

 

"Ignorance may indeed be bliss, but you are no longer ignorant."

 

but in my own situation, my ignorance of my W's LTA wasn't blissful. I just thought we had a mediocre marriage all those years. And I imagine what life could have been like if she'd just divorced me before the affair started.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

P.S. We recovered. It took years, but I think it's been worth it.

[Mr Carson]

I have a question. Do you think you are better off knowing about the A or what you didn't know didn't hurt you. I wonder if my husband just slithered out of the A, like the snake he is, what would life be like now. I wouldn't have known all the deceitful things he did to me. I wouldn't have all this pain ect... Life would be normal.

 

 

You wouldn't have the pain but you also wouldn't have normal. I feel the truth is always better.

 

I'm sorry your hurting

[Mr. Lucky]

I wouldn't have known all the deceitful things he did to me. I wouldn't have all this pain ect... Life would be normal.

 

Your husband most likely had unprotected sex with you and his OW at the same time. Given the potential exposure to STDs, would you still like a "normal" life?

 

Mr. Lucky

[RightThere]

Finding out about my STBXW's affairs was the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. I became very (VERY) depressed, lost weight, lost my job, lost a lot of friends and family, found out all the gory details of her many affairs, and even contemplated suicide once or twice.

 

But I would do it all again to know the truth.

[fellini]

I think it really depends on the type, duration, meaning and closure of the A.

 

I would have preferred my WW to do exactly what she has had to do HAVING told me about her A, without needing me to tell her, stand over her, and walk her through it, all the while burdening me with the trauma of her stupidity.

 

But obviously I can understand that this depends only on the affair being a rather sudden, out of character one-time part of a person's life in which they emerge from their error realising that infidelity is not an option for solving their internal issues.

[central]

Neither of us have ever cheated on a partner, but we've discussed this issue.

 

If there were an affair, and it was ongoing or recently over (within the last year to two), we'd want to know.

 

If it was longer ago and our relationship is good now - and there were no other infidelities nor will there be - then we'd rather not know. We see it kind of like not needing to know about prior relationships and number of partners - the past is over, can't be changed, and only the present circumstances and behavior truly matter. People can have done wrong in the past, but reform - it's not useful to hold the past against them in that case - IMO.

[understand50]

I have a question. Do you think you are better off knowing about the A or what you didn't know didn't hurt you. I wonder if my husband just slithered out of the A, like the snake he is, what would life be like now. I wouldn't have known all the deceitful things he did to me. I wouldn't have all this pain ect... Life would be normal.

 

secrets and lies never work out well........

 

I would rather face the issue then have it come our at a different time.

[jen1447]

I'm on team truth. No matter how unpleasant it is, the truth is ultimately your friend and allows you to process properly.

[No Limit]

What is worse - fear from reality you know and can act on, or being so scared of life that you rather live a life of lies if that means less pain (at least for you - who knows who else was damaged like the kids for example by the strange situation at home unconsciously)?

[TaraMaiden2]

When you know you don't want to know, you're happy not knowing.

 

Once you know even one slightest thing - you want to know EVERY slightest thing.

[Mr. Lucky]

If it was longer ago and our relationship is good now - and there were no other infidelities nor will there be - then we'd rather not know.

 

Not to debate your answer, but the insidious nature of affairs is that they're rarely completely "over" in every sense of the word.

 

- There's "longer ago" but she still thinks about him and misses him

- There's "longer ago" but she still works with him

- There's "longer ago" but he's still a neighbor/relative/friend/etc.

 

Best protection for a healthy and recovered marriage going forward is the truth...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Methodical]

I guess I'm pessimistic with my view, but I believe if he'd slithered away and not confessed or gotten caught, he'd eventually do it again...and again, and again, and it would get easier and easier for him to do. That could potentially affect your health by exposing you to STD's.

 

Nope, I'd rather know than have the wool pulled over my eyes.

[Grapesofwrath]

Knowledge is power. Ignorance of an affair is not bliss, in my opinion. It's powerlessness. The wayward partner has the facts and makes decisions that affect you directly. Decisions based on facts you do not have the benefit of knowing. I'd rather know.

 

My xH committed what could best be described as financial infidelity. Lying, cheating, hiding, but not with a woman. With our money. The money I earned to support my family and my children. Not knowing is what made it so awful. Once I knew about it, I could make decisions based on facts. Not illusions.

[Raena]

I think there were times since d-day that I wished he hadn't told me about his OW. Those were the times where I was wishing that we had been able to work things out, when I was reeling with pain, when I saw the pain my child was in, when I realized how deeply he hurt me. The truth is, we would never have had a healthy normal relationship DUE to his infidelities. So even if you don't know, you are missing out on a normal healthy happy relationship. You just don't realize it because it the abnormal state of your relationship seemed normal at the time.

 

I hated having the rose colored glasses ripped off my face, but in the end, it was better to know than to stay in a relationship with someone who could do the hateful, spiteful, disgusting things my ex chose to do.

 

As someone else said too... if you never knew and s/he got away with it the first time, what's to stop them from doing it again?

 

Nope, I believe it's better to know than to NOT know. It hurts you either way, might as well have the truthful facts rather than illusions.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I truly believe that a WS who chooses to chalk an affair up to "a one time mistake" and does not disclose...is setting themselves up for more failure.

 

How many would go beyond...oopsies? Then return to the state they were in. The exact same state that they were in...when they engaged in an affair.

 

Most would never self examine...or life examine. The potential to re engage in affair behaviour would be high.

 

I am a believer in the saying..."what can be destroyed with the truth...should be."

[fellini]

Knowledge is power is a cliche. And just as you intend it here, like all clichés, practically devoid of meaning.

 

Knowledge is not synonymous with "knowing".

 

I know e=mc2. But this is not power. It has power if I know what it means, or how to apply it, or how complexity emerges from using it, or how to sell it for profit. But I do not.

 

What I do know is the phrase "some things are better left unsaid". Understanding that phrase, and using it, and having others apply it to me does give me power that I wouldn't have were they not to use it wisely.

 

Like the infamous "you are on a need to know bases" there are clearly times that knowledge indeed is the reverse of power. It can be totally disempowering. And for some of us going through 2,3,5 years of trauma just to get to a place that is less comfortable, less worth living, but still better than divorcing, is a disempowering experience we wish we didn't have to have.

 

This knowledge is our power, but we no longer have it.

 

Surely we need to question your formula where you say "the wayward has the facts and makes decisions that affects you directly. "

Well this is true regardless. You suggest that by withholding the fact your WW has a power over you they wouldn't already have.

 

Any spouse can, at any time and in any place and set of circumstances, meet someone and start falling in love. At any point in time this same person can make the decision -their decision, not one in which they are asking for your input - to walk away from the marriage to be with this new person. This is NOT a decision they have taken from you merely because they hold the facts. You are confusing personal knowledge and decisions as something jointly held in all aspects of a marriage. And the truth, the fact is, life does not work like that. Nor should it.

 

 

Knowledge is power. Ignorance of an affair is not bliss, in my opinion. It's powerlessness. The wayward partner has the facts and makes decisions that affect you directly. Decisions based on facts you do not have the benefit of knowing. I'd rather know.

 

My xH committed what could best be described as financial infidelity. Lying, cheating, hiding, but not with a woman. With our money. The money I earned to support my family and my children. Not knowing is what made it so awful. Once I knew about it, I could make decisions based on facts. Not illusions.

Edited June 20, 2015 by fellini

[Zenstudent]

Knowledge is power is a cliche. And just as you intend it here, like all clichés, practically devoid of meaning.

 

Knowledge is not synonymous with "knowing".

 

I know e=mc2. But this is not power. It has power if I know what it means, or how to apply it, or how complexity emerges from using it, or how to sell it for profit. But I do not.

 

What I do know is the phrase "some things are better left unsaid". Understanding that phrase, and using it, and having others apply it to me does give me power that I wouldn't have were they not to use it wisely.

 

Like the infamous "you are on a need to know bases" there are clearly times that knowledge indeed is the reverse of power. It can be totally disempowering. And for some of us going through 2,3,5 years of trauma just to get to a place that is less comfortable, less worth living, but still better than divorcing, is a disempowering experience we wish we didn't have to have.

 

This knowledge is our power, but we no longer have it.

 

Surely we need to question your formula where you say "the wayward has the facts and makes decisions that affects you directly. "

Well this is true regardless. You suggest that by withholding the fact your WW has a power over you they wouldn't already have.

 

Any spouse can, at any time and in any place and set of circumstances, meet someone and start falling in love. At any point in time this same person can make the decision -their decision, not one in which they are asking for your input - to walk away from the marriage to be with this new person. This is NOT a decision they have taken from you merely because they hold the facts. You are confusing personal knowledge and decisions as something jointly held in all aspects of a marriage. And the truth, the fact is, life does not work like that. Nor should it.

I think there's a difference, and I may sound inconsistant when I say this. I'm OK with it if my wife decides, that she no longer want to be with me and choose divorce. I'm not OK with if she chooses an open marriage without telling me about it.

 

I know both decisions are made by her, and I can do nothing about it, but there's still a difference - IMO.

[fellini]

I agree. And there is a difference.

 

But some of us feel that IF an affair took place, and so there is nothing we can do about it, what's done, is done, that the decision, for some of us, is not between tell or not tell, it is between introduce unnecessary trauma or not.

 

We are not supposed to hurt people. For some of us not unnecesarily permanently damaging a human being is higher than what I consider to be a "loftier" concept of "truth". And the cliche that "truth hurts" is no consolation.

 

I think there's a difference, and I may sound inconsistant when I say this. I'm OK with it if my wife decides, that she no longer want to be with me and choose divorce. I'm not OK with if she chooses an open marriage without telling me about it.

 

I know both decisions are made by her, and I can do nothing about it, but there's still a difference - IMO.

[Friskyone4u]

I agree with the statement that if he hasd not been csaught and had :gotten away with it:, he would be much more likely to do it again and again.

 

That is not the normal you want to live in

[I4givehim]

Some days there is no pain and some days the pain is so intense that I don't want to get out of bed. I know no pain no gain. Unfortunately he has moved back in and now I have to look at him and that is like putting salt in the wound. Please God I start to heal soon. As much as I don't want to face the truth it's best that I know the truth. Thank you everyone for all your words of wisdom. You all have helped me through a difficult time of my life.

[jen1447]

But some of us feel that IF an affair took place, and so there is nothing we can do about it, what's done, is done, that the decision, for some of us, is not between tell or not tell, it is between introduce unnecessary trauma or not.

 

We are not supposed to hurt people. For some of us not unnecesarily permanently damaging a human being is higher than what I consider to be a "loftier" concept of "truth". And the cliche that "truth hurts" is no consolation.

 

No offense but the people I see take that attitude are pretty much always the ones who already know the truth.

[fellini]

You need to prepare yourself for the possibility that you are on a rollercoaster and that this won't end for at least 2 years.

 

I am 2 years past DDAy, and the triggers FROM my WW are almost none. The triggers that occur in my daily life are much more reduced, and do not have the devastating effect they once had.

 

I am not over it, but the fact is life is better now than a year ago. Life will never be as good as it was before I found out. But then life will also not be what it would have been had I simply left the marriage.

 

 

 

Some days there is no pain and some days the pain is so intense that I don't want to get out of bed. I know no pain no gain. Unfortunately he has moved back in and now I have to look at him and that is like putting salt in the wound. Please God I start to heal soon. As much as I don't want to face the truth it's best that I know the truth. Thank you everyone for all your words of wisdom. You all have helped me through a difficult time of my life.