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Another Newbie - Pathetically Ironic


wishiwasnothere

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wishiwasnothere

First off, I do want to say thanks to all that participate here. I've been reading this thread and others for months since I FU and to be honest it has been very helpful. Which is even more FU.

 

Same story as everyone on here. I messed up. Married 21 years, 3 kids, all was well on the homefront. My husband is a good man who has no idea that I am a WS. Had a short EA/PA with a friend MM. Full disclosure, of course we knew what we were doing. Still did it. Thankfully he ended it because I didn't. We still see each other in town, his wife is one of my good friends (yes, bash away). There is no way to explain my actions, you don't know what you don't know and now I wish I NEVER had gone down this road. As a Christian (again, bash away) I now know what the they mean in the bible with the tree of knowledge. I "thought" I understood that, but now I really do. Adam and Eve, now I know how wonderful it was to be blissfully ignorant of sin.

 

Thanks to everyone here, I now know what I wish I had known when I started this entire horrific thing. Selfish selfish selfish. I am currently 3 months out from the ending. Still in the "fog" many days. Small town so no one to talk to to keep me on track so I'm here with a group of strangers. I have to see the xAP because our kids are very close friends. No, there isn't an option to move and telling our spouses just isn't an option right now (again, bashing expected). I am a successful woman and active in our community, just obviously screwed up with absolutely no reason to do so.

 

However, you all have helped me tremendously to

1.) Get real, WTF was wrong with me to even enter into this. Working on that

2.) NC - if there is an option to not see this person I take it. No purposely trying to "arrange" accidental meetings (thanks for that frank discussion on threads)

3.) Refocus on my husband with your suggestions of books and ideas (thank you) - still struggling with this and appreciate ideas

4.) Still struggling with fog and withdrawl - wishing that was over and it was fading away faster.

5.) Wishing I did have a friend for accountabilty but none locally, thus here with strangers (so dysfunctional)

6.) Did go to counciling a few years ago when I started to feel disconnected but it gave my husband panic attacks to think that I needed it, so instead trying to vocalize with him. That works, and then he stops wanting to. But suggestions of counciling just make matters worse. Side note: I went to counciling b/c I come from divorced home and don't know what a "normal" married relationship is like after 21 years. Didn't know if my disconnect was something I was doing wrong, or was that normal and how to fix it.

 

I don't have any questions, just confessions and lonely knowing what I've done and just thankful for both the WS and BS who may not knowingly understand how just having this space is a good way to help those of us who are still struggling. I hate the fact that became this person typing this here.

 

I'm just reaching out here, just to connect with other humans.

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flowergirl14

I'm curious..I'm a married woman 21 yrs and 3 kids and have had my ups and down but I have never cheated unlike my H. What is the disconnect you talk about? Is it real or imagined once the om came into the picture? No bashing here just curious why many people can be satisfied in their long term marriage while others arent. It seems like this is often the case. One spouse is totally comitted and the other not so. A case of the grass is greeener?

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Since at least one other person (the xAP) knows about the A, and since you don't have any control over what he tells his wife or what evidence he leaves lying around, you should be prepared for the possibility that your H finds out anyway, sooner or later. This board is full of people who thought nobody would ever find out.

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I remember this kind of confession with my exWW. Here’s what I remember in the months from when the affair ended to DDay. Wife was often distracted, emotions fluctuated from happy to sad, loving to keep away from me, doting mom to uninterested mom and more all in the same day. She wanted to have sex several times per week during those months, and it she seemed more intense when we did; both a big change from before and during the affair.

 

The exAP’s wife found the evidence, spilled the beans and then came the confessional. Her affair partner ended it, she broke her Christian morals, was limiting contact with her exAP because they worked together, refocusing on me and the family, etc. All the things she was doing to fix our marriage and life; except that I did not know it was broken.

 

What it came down to for me was she made the choice. She decided she was going to fix everything without telling me anything. We were living a lie based on her choice and terms. I had no knowledge so therefore had no say. Had the AP’s wife not found the evidence, I might still be living that lie.

 

 

That’s what you are doing to your marriage, husband and family.

How do you know that your AP won’t spill the beans? How do you know there is not some evidence out there that one of the BS’s might find? Tell your husband and let him choose; it’s much better than him finding out another way. Until you do this you are still being selfish.

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You may want to have a look at GoldieLox's threads for an example of how confession can go with two exceptional people. What she's doing relies heavily on having an extraordinary H, however.

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Friskyone4u

Looks like you are doing all the right things except being truthful to your husband and letting him live in a lie.

 

The two danger areas for you are

(1) that you will relapse because to present you have gotten away with it

(2) that emotionally you are going to have to live with this dirty little secret

(3) that your husband will find out somehow, and that is the timebomb that you are never going to know when it will go off.

 

if number three happens, your chance of saving your marriage will be greatly diminished than if he hears it from you.

 

But only you can make the decision. no one can predict what is going to happen or if hubby will ever find out.

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autumnnight

I would urge you to confess. I am not saying today before 6:00 because that is not my place (no, it's not). But I believe that withholding this crucial truth undermines any improvements you make in your marriage. It is the constant elephant in the room, and even if you think you are the only one who knows it is there, your H will get a vibe.

 

As far as the rest goes...Christians sin too. There is not a Christian alive who has not sinned in the last 72 hours. And the Bible says "Whoever keeps the whole law but stumbles at one point is guilty of breaking all of it." The Bible also says that if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins. Of course, I believe that includes confessing to the humans you sinned against as well.

 

No contact for life is essential. This is why confessing will help you. If you decide that your child's friendship is worth all this angst, at least if your husband knows maybe HE can transport your child to get togethers (if he can be near the OM without going ballistic, which would be an understandable challenge.) Here is a truth: 95% of the friendships we make during childhood stay in childhood. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. If I had to choose between honesty and no contact and keeping a childhood friendship going....I'd choose honesty and my marriage. Just something to think about.

 

I'm not going to bash on you, call you names, and make snide remarks because that kind of thing is NEVER designed to help the WS or marriage; it's all about vicarious venting.

 

I urge you, though, to really think about your long term goal. Think about your husband and family, something you did not do during your A. Bear the "fruit of repentance" that the Bible talks about.

 

There is no one map that reaches everyone's destination (except the Bible as it is written, not as it is twisted). You and your BH must decide how to proceed, and he deserves to be part of that decision.

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Speaking as a betrayed husband I think you should take this secret to your grave. I wish I could un-know about my wife's cheating as there are elements of it that have tortured my for many years. Don't do this to him voluntarily.

 

It's true that if he discovers it, rather than you telling him, the odds of divorce go up dramatically. But if he never finds out then you save him from much emotional suffering. Those who say that if you don't tell him that your marriage is built on a lie I say - ignorance is bliss. It's not a lie unless he finds out the truth. That's going to upset lots of posters but it is a fact that I firmly believe. What's done is done - you can't change it so keep it to yourself and work hard to make it up to him. It's worth the risk.

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wishiwasnothere
Why stay married?

 

I still love my husband, despite how that looks and sounds. Again, my selfish decision led to this. But I honestly love him. I made a huge mistake. And as hard it might seem to say or hear, I didn't make it because I didn't love him, I made it because I made a mistake. I've made others in marriage (none to the capacity of this of course) but decisions that later on one of us did wrong. Parenting, anger, money, things we did wrong but corrected.

 

I'm not trying to be flippant, but if every mistake I made in my relationship was a reason to get divorced, we'd have been divorced in a year. Over nothing big even. I had to learn to be married and mature. That makes this seem like I'm minimizing my mistake. I'm not. I let my emotions overrun my common and decent sense. I went from being the 95% curve of a great human to the 5% curve of horrid human. I get that.

 

Nothing he did made me do this and so I want to be married because I still love him and he loves me. The affair wasn't about love, it was about emotion. And stupidity.

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understand50

wishiwasnothere,

 

Autumnight, says the right things. I urge you to follow her advice.

 

As a husband, if my wife had cheated, hearing it from her instead of finding it out, would be a big deciding factor in if I could forgive and reconcile. In many ways your future is not in your hands, but you can work to make it right and show you are truly remorseful. I grew up in a small town and that you had an affair is out there, it will come to your door. Just a matter of time.

 

Keep in mind, you are asking for your husbands forgiveness, and he must know what he is forgiving. All of it. If he gives you a second chance, take it as the gift that it is. Know that reconciliation is a hard road to travel and will take much work from you and him if it is to work.

 

You know what is the right thing to do. Deep down you want to do what is right. In the end, it is what will save your marriage.

 

I wish you the best of luck

 

I would urge you to confess. I am not saying today before 6:00 because that is not my place (no, it's not). But I believe that withholding this crucial truth undermines any improvements you make in your marriage. It is the constant elephant in the room, and even if you think you are the only one who knows it is there, your H will get a vibe.

 

As far as the rest goes...Christians sin too. There is not a Christian alive who has not sinned in the last 72 hours. And the Bible says "Whoever keeps the whole law but stumbles at one point is guilty of breaking all of it." The Bible also says that if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins. Of course, I believe that includes confessing to the humans you sinned against as well.

 

No contact for life is essential. This is why confessing will help you. If you decide that your child's friendship is worth all this angst, at least if your husband knows maybe HE can transport your child to get togethers (if he can be near the OM without going ballistic, which would be an understandable challenge.) Here is a truth: 95% of the friendships we make during childhood stay in childhood. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. If I had to choose between honesty and no contact and keeping a childhood friendship going....I'd choose honesty and my marriage. Just something to think about.

 

I'm not going to bash on you, call you names, and make snide remarks because that kind of thing is NEVER designed to help the WS or marriage; it's all about vicarious venting.

 

I urge you, though, to really think about your long term goal. Think about your husband and family, something you did not do during your A. Bear the "fruit of repentance" that the Bible talks about.

 

There is no one map that reaches everyone's destination (except the Bible as it is written, not as it is twisted). You and your BH must decide how to proceed, and he deserves to be part of that decision.

 

184018481850

Edited by understand50
Spelling of course........
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wishiwasnothere
I'm curious..I'm a married woman 21 yrs and 3 kids and have had my ups and down but I have never cheated unlike my H. What is the disconnect you talk about? Is it real or imagined once the om came into the picture? No bashing here just curious why many people can be satisfied in their long term marriage while others arent. It seems like this is often the case. One spouse is totally comitted and the other not so. A case of the grass is greeener?

 

I think our disconnect was too much comfort and not enough effort. We are best friends, but somewhere we stopped being hopeless romantic lovers. I think it happened slowely. I don't expect to be always romantic, but I think we took our relationship for granted and we don't work on it as much as we should. Little things for each other. He stopped spending quality time with me, and then I began to want for that time. I would tell him, he would perk up and do it. Then we'd slide back into routine. We are transitioning to teenagers so that now leaves more free time but we are not spending it with each other. My attempts to reconnect have been mildly successful.

 

Besides just being a jack*** (me) it seems that men and women don't always step out for the same reasons. At least from the reading I've been doing. I think I stepped out for the emotional connection. That's what I'm trying to rebuild. I shouldn't have let that go so easily. It seemed it was weakend before I even realized it was. I should have looked harder and seen that. Should have worked on myself. Should have spoke up more. So much easier to say then do.

 

Of course I heard that in lots of talks, sermons, advice, but I didn't do a good job doing it. Since the A, I have learned a whole lot more about that, and have some perspective on it that I simply didn't have before.

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As a "Christian" I suggest you follow autumn's suggestion too and confess. Your husband deserves to know the truth and make HIS choice to leave or stay.

 

You gave that up that right by cheating.

 

Better to hear from you than someone else.

 

Do the right thing OP

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autumnnight

There are 2 books I would urge you to read. One is Surviving an Affair, and the other is...man, I cannot remember the name. It was recommended by a dear poster named Mrs. John Adams. Hopefully someone else will remember the name. It is about helping your spouse heal from your affair.

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wishiwasnothere
Speaking as a betrayed husband I think you should take this secret to your grave. I wish I could un-know about my wife's cheating as there are elements of it that have tortured my for many years. Don't do this to him voluntarily.

 

It's true that if he discovers it, rather than you telling him, the odds of divorce go up dramatically. But if he never finds out then you save him from much emotional suffering. Those who say that if you don't tell him that your marriage is built on a lie I say - ignorance is bliss. It's not a lie unless he finds out the truth. That's going to upset lots of posters but it is a fact that I firmly believe. What's done is done - you can't change it so keep it to yourself and work hard to make it up to him. It's worth the risk.

 

I appreciate that you would voice that knowing that's really hard to write and think about. I don't want to hurt him or our kids and he is not the type that would forgive this offense (I know this deep down) which of course should have shut anything down right away. I know that I need to do exactly what I did when we met and that's make myself focus on him and what a prize he is. God knows my offense and right now that's where I have to ask forgiveness first. If I can fix myself and not hurt him, that's the path I want.

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How old are your children?

 

Did you get tested for stds?

 

That is a horrible way for a spouse to find out about the A.

 

You may not realize but to keep the A a secret, you are building a wall of protection around the A. This will keep your H out of reach to repair the damage to the marriage.

 

Do you really want to stay with your H? If you really wanted to, you would sit down, write him a timeline of the A and let him read it. Then be scarce so he can cool down from the anger, but you will have to help him deal with the pain.

 

He may never recover from the pain. Try to think about how you would feel if he had an A and put your life at risk. Would you take him back?

 

Good luck, but I do hope you realize that your H is a much better man than your OM.

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autumnnight
I appreciate that you would voice that knowing that's really hard to write and think about. I don't want to hurt him or our kids and he is not the type that would forgive this offense (I know this deep down) which of course should have shut anything down right away. I know that I need to do exactly what I did when we met and that's make myself focus on him and what a prize he is. God knows my offense and right now that's where I have to ask forgiveness first. If I can fix myself and not hurt him, that's the path I want.

 

Sorry, this isn't good enough. You sinned against your husband, and true repentance means confessing to him as well.

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I appreciate that you would voice that knowing that's really hard to write and think about. I don't want to hurt him or our kids and he is not the type that would forgive this offense (I know this deep down) which of course should have shut anything down right away. I know that I need to do exactly what I did when we met and that's make myself focus on him and what a prize he is. God knows my offense and right now that's where I have to ask forgiveness first. If I can fix myself and not hurt him, that's the path I want.

 

Listen if you don't want to tell your spouse that's fine. But don't sit here and say that you have come to that decision for his benefit. You not telling is for yours and yours alone. Accept that. What it really boils down to is would he want to know and judging from your post, it sounds like he would. Contrary to what drifter believes, I don't believe confessing is selfish. I think keeping someone in marriage they would not want to be in is just as selfish as the cheating itself. Listen, I know, if this is ever revealed, your spouse is not going to care how good of a wife you are after your affair. All he will see is someone that cheated and continued to lie to him.

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wishiwasnothere

Thanks you @autumnnight .

 

There have been many horrible days at the alter for me knowing what I have done and broken. Right now I'm working on getting right with God. I've got to do that first and that may lead to confession with by BH, but I'm not ready for that now. I wish I had read all the BS boards when I was first marrried, and long after that. I don't think anyone ever told me anything like that which would have let me see the light. I have no idea if that would have stopped me, but this issue is something no one likes to talk about. If anyone ever confided in me that they were thinking or pursuing an affair, I would tell them 1000 times over why they shouldn't. I wish I HAD asked someone (who???? I don't know, nobody really admits to that and those that do are forever banished it seems in a small town). But, no blame on anyone but me for this.

 

I appreciate the book advice too. I am reading the Unvailed Wife, and some others that are suggeseted. Sadly (and sickly) I was unprepared for what I got myself into.

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autumnnight
Thanks you @autumnnight .

 

There have been many horrible days at the alter for me knowing what I have done and broken. Right now I'm working on getting right with God. I've got to do that first and that may lead to confession with by BH, but I'm not ready for that now. I wish I had read all the BS boards when I was first marrried, and long after that. I don't think anyone ever told me anything like that which would have let me see the light. I have no idea if that would have stopped me, but this issue is something no one likes to talk about. If anyone ever confided in me that they were thinking or pursuing an affair, I would tell them 1000 times over why they shouldn't. I wish I HAD asked someone (who???? I don't know, nobody really admits to that and those that do are forever banished it seems in a small town). But, no blame on anyone but me for this.

 

I appreciate the book advice too. I am reading the Unvailed Wife, and some others that are suggeseted. Sadly (and sickly) I was unprepared for what I got myself into.

 

Books are good, but also I would suggest really getting into God's Word, and just praying, "God, tell me how to proceed, make it clear, and give me the strength to obey." If you really listen to HIS voice, I think confession will come.

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Betrayed&Stayed
If I can fix myself and not hurt him, that's the path I want.

 

And if this was even possible (which I believe it is not), it sure is convenient that you get to escape the consequences of your adultery. Don't kid yourself about protecting your husband. WSs aren't that altruistic.

 

You can try to keep this a secret. Given what you have shared with us, I'm convinced that this will eat away at you for a looong time.

 

By having your affair you have unilaterally changed the rules of the marriage. And by keeping your BH in the dark, you are again unilaterally making decisions on your marriage. Do you want your marriage to be based on fidelity, honesty, trust, respect? If you do, then confess to your husband. Otherwise, you can forget about living in peace. Your marriage will be a sham, only your husband won't know any better. But you will.

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Why does counseling give your husband 'panic attacks'?

 

Have you shared the truth of your affair with your spiritual adviser? Most faiths have faith-based counselors or clergy to assist their members since, well, none of us are perfect.

 

If your decision is to focus on your M and recover it to former health and 'hopeless romance', that's going to take work, from both of you. It doesn't just happen. A professional can assist you with forming and implementing a plan of action. IMO, there are pros and cons to disclosure. I tend to fall on the side of disclosure if recovery is the goal. However, that's a personal decision. IMO, examine the various perspectives, apply them to your circumstances, make a decision and accept the consequences and move forward.

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I do not believe that you can seek and obtain God's forgiveness without first seeking it from your husband.

 

If you have two children and one hurts the other would you tell the child he or she is forgiven if he or she did not first apologise to the other? Or would you send the child back to apologise and make it right with his or her sibling as a condition of getting your forgiveness?

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understand50

wishiwasnothere,

 

We all wish you the best. In the time you have until the affair comes out, we all hope you do what is best for you, your husband and kids. This may take some time, but I think you know what is the right thing to do. Pray on it, think on it. The answer will come to you.

 

Do not let what you have done define you, become the person you want to be.

 

I wish you luck.

 

 

 

2010

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I confessed and a part of me regrets it. After all, I ended back involved with MM a year and a half later. It seems like I made another bad descision in telling as really, it just inflicted pain for no gain.

 

That aside. I was incapable of carrying such a heavy burden inside. I could not have kept it a secret and so telling sooner than later was for me the less evil.

 

Can you imagine for the next ten fifteen or more years knowing you have this secret kept from your husband. Everytime infidelity comes up cringing inside? Movies, television, friends, it is everywhere. Saying "I love you" but silently to yourself saying "I am so very sorry I wronged you". Worried it mat accidently come out later and your BH then seeing the years between as a fraud? I couldn't do that. Some can. It already was twisting me up inside and pushing me to the point where I held a gun in my hand ready to take my own life. That was my reality. I wouldn't want it to be anyone elses. Maybe you are stronger than me. But if you decide to remain silent think of that. Yes, it makes confession selfish. But in the end a healthy spouse is the best spouse. And i was not/ am not a healthy spouse.

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