Friends behind my back

[maya70]

I am trying to understand the special friendship my husband has with another woman he met through work. He never told me about this friendship. I found out about him visiting her late in the evening and when I asked him about it he lied. Eventually he admitted but assured me that it was nothing, they they were just friends, special friends. I’ve read an intense email conversation between them that was very private, not sexual at all, just very personal. They have nick names on each other and email each other at any time of the day, middle of the night, early mornings, late evenings about work and daily stuff showing that she has had a very natural part of his life. And I didn’t know anything. This has been going off and on for about two years and I found out about 4 months ago. When I confront him about this he keeps claiming that it is nothing, they just very special friends, he used the term kindred souls, and they have supported each other in tough times, especially hers. He had some tough times with me as well the past years and I could easily tell from her emails that she knew about this and she used a patronising tone about me.

My question is: How close can two people be if one of them is in a relationship (we have been toghether for almost 30 years and she is single)? How could I handle it?

 

I am devastated about this and he cannot understand why. He keeps assuring me that she is just a friend, he wants to be with me and he wants to keep his special friend. If he had to choose between me and her he would easily choose me but why should he even considering choosing? He cannot understand why I can’t just get over it and we could all be friends. He has offered me complete honesty and transparency but he has continued having contact with her. He is now very careful with deleting her emails completely so I don’t find anything that would upset me. He don’t tell me about this and even deny it (I know ‘cause I’ve checked his email, very mean I know that…) What type of honesty is that on a scale? I don’t think they meet, with respect to me but can’t understand why I get upset if they keep emailing each other. He is very sorry that I am feeling this way but he cannot see that he is doing something wrong. And he probably isn’t. There is no right and wrong in this. Only emotions.

Because of his attitude to all this my feelings for him are very damaged and I am thinking of leaving him. I am so sad that we cannot meet in this and sort things out but I can’t live with with somebody that don’t respect my feelings and put honesty above anything else.

[gettingstronger]

Actually it is wrong if it upsets you AND he kept it a secret- in a LTR it is expected that the needs of the health of the relationship go above individual needs- this friendship does not meet that standard-hold your ground that this friendship is not good for your relationship-

[eric1]

He is doing something wrong. He is having an affair. Period.

[Arieswoman]

Sorry, but he's having an Emotional Affair.

 

You need to stop this before it develops into a Physical Affair.

[minimariah]

he is nurturing a close friendship with another woman & keeping it a secret from you. now... TO ME? that would've been more than enough to leave him & divorce but i'm a little radical... so i suggest openl communication with the help of a counselor & see what happens next.

[68_f100]

Oh **** email = affair.

 

Did you find anything that suggest anything emotional between the two?

 

Do you have access to his email and phone?

 

If you have both then odds are it's noting other than a friendship. I have a couple female friends that I talk to about things that I wouldn't share with my SO. Not to hide anything just a different personality and sense of humor than her. One comes over sometimes to drink beer, work on cars and just hang out. Things my SO doesn't have any desire to do. Not a chance on this earth I would ever cross the line with one of them. Just friends and thats all.

 

If he is transparent and lets you read everything I would trust him.

 

 

Ask to meet her sometime. She how he responds.

[TrustedthenBusted]

what;s the name of the most popular book on infidelity in the known universe again?

 

 

Oh yeah...it's called " Not Just Friends." I think they picked that title for a reason.

[Confused48]

You need to get that book, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

 

Grown men do not often get this attached to women that won't have sex with them. For years! It is possible that he is not having sex with her but highly unlikely. Even if not this relationship is very bad for your marriage.

 

Have you considered getting a voice activate recorder for his car? Often affair partners will say things verbally that they are careful to not put into writing.

Edited June 3, 2015 by Confused48

[RightThere]

He is very sorry that I am feeling this way but he cannot see that he is doing something wrong. And he probably isn’t. There is no right and wrong in this. Only emotions.

 

This is where you are totally wrong.

 

He doesn't feel that he's doing anything wrong because

1) The only thing they haven't done is have sex or

2) He lying to you about it all

 

Either way, he is doing something wrong. He's having a strong emotional connection and emotional affair with another woman. It's crossed the border into an inappropriate relationship with another woman. It pushes you away and builds a stronger bond between the two of them. You are his wife and he should be spending that energy trying to build a stronger bond with you.

 

This is either full blown physical affair, or it is very close to becoming one. Don't let him convince you that just because they are "only friends" that there is nothing wrong with it. He has a very close relationship with another woman and not one with you. This path only has one ending and leads to you and him growing further apart and him growing closer to his other woman.

[minimariah]

Did you find anything that suggest anything emotional between the two?

 

i think all of this does --

 

I found out about him visiting her late in the evening and when I asked him about it he lied. (...) They have nick names on each other and email each other at any time of the day, middle of the night, early mornings, late evenings about work and daily stuff showing that she has had a very natural part of his life. And I didn’t know anything. (...) ...they just very special friends, he used the term kindred souls, and they have supported each other in tough times, especially hers.

 

you have to be REALLY naive to NOT see a problem here. this is literally a textbook EA, a PA waiting to happen.

 

the fact that he is HIDING and lying about the friendship tells you everything you need to know, really.

[LifesontheUp]

If he had to choose between me and her he would easily choose me but why should he even considering choosing? .

 

His relationship is inappropriate and he has no right to discuss you with his OW.

 

If you believe the above is true, you need to tell him that you want him to stop all contact with her. You are asking him to chose.

 

I think his response will be interesting

[Brigit]

You need to get that book, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

 

Grown men do not often get this attached to women that won't have sex with them. For years! It is possible that he is not having sex with her but highly unlikely. Even if not this relationship is very bad for your marriage.

 

Have you considered getting a voice activate recorder for his car? Often affair partners will say things verbally that they are careful to not put into writing.

 

Yep. Men don't spend lots of time chatting with women they don't want to fu*k. It's common knowledge now.

[daisygirl19]

Your post describes my relationship with my guy perfectly, at least how it started, over 4 years ago. It could have been written by his ex-wife.

 

Yes, his ex-wife. We are together and this is the path we took. We're not proud of it, but that's the reality of the situation. I'm sorry to say, but in my experience, it's only a matter of time before it becomes a PA, if it hasn't already.

[VeryBrokenMan]

It's an affair. Maybe just emotional but I'd bet money that it's physical as well. Since she is single and he's gone to her house it's almost a given. Start protecting yourself.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

Well, if my spouse had that kind of special relationship, I wouldn't be happy about it.

 

The thing is that he owes you a higher standard of conduct. If this distresses you (and that's reasonable), and he continues, then he must feel this special relationship is more important that his marriage, as he is willing to damage his marriage because of it.

 

Personally, I think these kinds of friendships are baloney, and at least one party has a romantic motive even if neither party can admit to it (sometimes they can't admit it to themselves). But that's just my opinion, generally speaking.

[Popsicle]

Plenty of spouses stay when this sort of thing comes up because they don't want to leave over something like this (hell, they don't even want to leave when there hard evidence of an A). Not to mention, WS's don't want to leave either, so why don't you just go ahead and get yourself a special friend too. You know, since his attention is elsewhere and you could get some good feelings too.

[minimariah]

You know, since his attention is elsewhere and you could get some good feelings too.

 

hell, yes!!!

 

OP, find your own kindred spirit!

a special best friend... because, why the hell not?

[maya70]

Oh **** email = affair.

 

Do you have access to his email and phone?

 

 

I do not have access to his email. I get access and when he finds out he changes pwd immidiately and deletes the messages. I've hacked his ipad several times and it is nothing I am proud about but it drives me crazy to know he still invests in that relationship. They also have strong interests through work and he helps her a lot on his free time.

 

I actually do believe they are not having sex. He admits that he did fall in love at the beginning but decided (!) to stay with me (or maybe she wasn't interested in a romantic relationship) but still keep her as a friend since they could so easily talk to each other and she was available all the time. He don't think he's been doing anything wrong since they've only been friends and no sex.

I also know that he has started similar "friend affairs" that he didn't want to share with me and I think they've ended because there has been some other husband involved and that it would be inappropriate, or at least more complicated. It has started with attraction and then he wants to turn it into friendship. Maybe nothing wrong with that but why keeping me out of it?

 

I just can deal with his ideas of how to relate to friends. The man I'm married to is supposed to have me as his best friend and he should not have secret friends. And certainly, when I found out he needs to understand that my feelings are deeply hurt. He should definitely not defend her and explain to me how great it is for him to have a best friend and a soul mate that is always there for him and his great ego.

[Brigit]

It's an affair. Maybe just emotional but I'd bet money that it's physical as well. Since she is single and he's gone to her house it's almost a given. Start protecting yourself.

 

That's a good point. Maybe they didn't have sex but I'm positive there was some touching, hugging maybe a quick kiss on the lips.

[Brigit]

He admits that he did fall in love at the beginning but decided (!) to stay with me (or maybe she wasn't interested in a romantic relationship) but still keep her as a friend since they could so easily talk to each other and she was available all the time. .

 

I change my answer: They're fu*king.

[ChumpinMP]

I can relate!!! Back in late 2013, I went through my H's emails and found very similar correspondence between him and another co-worker to what you described. Very intense, deep - not sexual in nature or anything, but just chat about life, work, etc. I thought it was strange that he was corresponding with this person on stuff he didn't share with me, but since it wasn't sexual, I blew it off.

 

Found out less than a year later that he was in a full-blown EA/PA with this woman.

 

I agree with the other posters - this is no "friendship." Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

[maya70]

hell, yes!!!

 

OP, find your own kindred spirit!

a special best friend... because, why the hell not?

 

Yes, why not

 

I asked him what he would say if it was the other way around. He mumbled something about it would maybe be OK, so I'll think I go for it.

I don't actually believe in revenge but maybe we could try to be completely open. Or completely secret.

[cgiles]

Revenge Affair never did good.

 

Either you have what it needs to be a unremorseful cheater, or not.

 

I think you should look about divorce until to get your fun, if it's the way you think, or maybe you are just sarcastic

 

And as he felt in love -well he had a crush on her and worked it- and he did nothing for cut the feeling - staying no contact until his brain get clean of his feelings- I advice you to read this : The Fake Friendship Dilemma : relationship_thoughts

[minimariah]

Yes, why not

 

I asked him what he would say if it was the other way around. He mumbled something about it would maybe be OK, so I'll think I go for it.

I don't actually believe in revenge but maybe we could try to be completely open. Or completely secret.

 

no, not as a revenge - but as the way to move on.

you fall in love with someone, too. why not? falling in love is a beautiful feeling. why shouldn't you have a special, close friendship with another man? that's a beautiful thing.

 

tell him all about it, too -- and it won't be cheating.

 

if your husband isn't emotionally faithful to you, if he isn't honest with you -- you got no obligation to be emotionally faithful and honest with him either.

 

see what else is out there... reconnect with folks, meet new people. if there is someone better for you, why not dumping your H & move on to a happier relationship? it is what it is. put yourself first and look out for yourself first, no one else will and you don't owe your H anything.

[68_f100]

I do not have access to his email. I get access and when he finds out he changes pwd immidiately and deletes the messages. I've hacked his ipad several times and it is nothing I am proud about but it drives me crazy to know he still invests in that relationship. They also have strong interests through work and he helps her a lot on his free time.

 

I actually do believe they are not having sex. He admits that he did fall in love at the beginning but decided (!) to stay with me (or maybe she wasn't interested in a romantic relationship) but still keep her as a friend since they could so easily talk to each other and she was available all the time. He don't think he's been doing anything wrong since they've only been friends and no sex.

I also know that he has started similar "friend affairs" that he didn't want to share with me and I think they've ended because there has been some other husband involved and that it would be inappropriate, or at least more complicated. It has started with attraction and then he wants to turn it into friendship. Maybe nothing wrong with that but why keeping me out of it?

 

I just can deal with his ideas of how to relate to friends. The man I'm married to is supposed to have me as his best friend and he should not have secret friends. And certainly, when I found out he needs to understand that my feelings are deeply hurt. He should definitely not defend her and explain to me how great it is for him to have a best friend and a soul mate that is always there for him and his great ego.

 

 

That is unacceptable then. There is noting wrong with husband having close female friends. But this is more than that. Admitting that he had fallen in love with her is way beyond a friendship. His actions with email sound like he is covering something up.

 

You sound like a wonderful wife and I think you owe it to yourself to draw lines. If he loves and respects you he will not cross the lines. If he does then you can do much better.