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Affair Question


oneupmshrm

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Hi everyone I am new here and just had a question that I hope can be answered.

 

I discovered my wife was having an affair about a month ago. It had gone on for 2 months before I found out. We are still together and working through the issue.

 

She told me that they only slept together about 5 times and it was doggie style only no kissing. Well now some of her friends have come forward to tell me it was way more than 5 times and alot more than doggie style.

 

My question is does it really matter how many times they were together and what they did, or just the fact they slept together?

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated. This is something that I just cant figure out

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I'll bite:

 

No it doesn't matter. The fact is she stepped out and cheated. End of story and for me would be the end of the relationship. Period.

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Thank you. Much appreciated.

 

I am giving her a second chance. I love her too much to let her go.

I was just curious about the amount of times or the fact it happened

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Thank you. Much appreciated.

 

I am giving her a second chance. I love her too much to let her go.

I was just curious about the amount of times or the fact it happened

 

I too like to place my hand on a hot stove wondering if it will burn me for a second time.

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What's more significant than the number of times is that she still lied after she was caught. That doesn't bode well for the future, bc it means continued lying and leveraging her position is ok in her book. (Assuming the friends are reliable. Are they? Why would her friends tell you that?)

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i dont know the reliability of her friends so I am not really basing anything off that.

 

But I do know that this is the first time she has ever done anything like this. That has been confirmed through multiple sources.

 

I know she wont do it again.

 

Thanks for your responses

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But I do know that this is the first time she has ever done anything like this. That has been confirmed through multiple sources.

 

You mean it's the first five times she's done anything like that... doggy-style.

 

You should be worried LESS about the reliability of the friends and MORE about the reliability of your wife.

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Thanks everyone.

 

Was just looking for an answer to my original question. Dont really feel like being in the middle of a flame war

 

Good Day

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whichwayisup

Is your wife remorseful? Is she willing to be an open book and be completely honest no matter what? Has she gone full no contact with the OM?

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Yes she is and yes she is. She does know the devastation that she brought upon me and has since made it very clear it will never happen again

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Yes she is and yes she is. She does know the devastation that she brought upon me and has since made it very clear it will never happen again

 

If you're willing to take the risk then sure. I personally have a hard time believing liars. It is your own well being and life. Good luck.

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If you're willing to take the risk then sure. I personally have a hard time believing liars. It is your own well being and life. Good luck.

 

Thank you I appreciate the help

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Hi everyone I am new here and just had a question that I hope can be answered.

 

I discovered my wife was having an affair about a month ago. It had gone on for 2 months before I found out. We are still together and working through the issue.

 

She told me that they only slept together about 5 times and it was doggie style only no kissing. Well now some of her friends have come forward to tell me it was way more than 5 times and alot more than doggie style.

 

My question is does it really matter how many times they were together and what they did, or just the fact they slept together?

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated. This is something that I just cant figure out

 

First, it just isn't true that someone who cheats will do it again. There are many marriages that make it through something like this and end up ok and even stronger.

 

But it is up to you if you want to go through the pain and hard work of it all. It will be painful and it will be very tough to get past this and rebuild. Are you really up for it?

 

And what does it mean only 5 times? As if that makes it better! To put the best construction on what she says, it may be she is trying to spare what little is left of your dignity and feelings (not that is makes it right to lie). Worst scenario, she is trying to make herself look better so you don't leave.

 

But why are her friends snitching on her? I think this is pretty significant. I think you may want to take that to heart. It's as if they are trying to protect you from her, to get you to wake up. They are showing you more loyalty than her. Her friends may know her better than you do.

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I wonder what the second chance covers.

 

Truthfulness?

 

Actually loving the betrayed partner?

 

Caring about the betrayed partner?

 

Ability to keep a promise?

 

Not being deceitful?

 

All of the above?

 

None of the above?

 

Something else?

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It's possible for people to make mistakes and be sorry for them, but it's not possible for people to make mistakes and be sorry for them while lying about them.

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What matters is that even after being busted for having an affair, she's still has no problem lying straight to your face. Is that what you want for a partner in all aspects of your life?

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Yes she is and yes she is. She does know the devastation that she brought upon me and has since made it very clear it will never happen again

 

She's not truly remorseful if she's still lying to you. She's doing damage control. That's what you're doing, too.

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SummerDreams

It's obvious the OP does not consider leaving his wife, so I think it's moot to try and convince him to do so. He says he loves his wife and I'm sure he knows she is a liar etc, but he has chosen his weakness to leave her is greater than his sadness and betrayal by her. Lets just wish him good luck. Not all people are strong enough to leave.

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It's obvious the OP does not consider leaving his wife, so I think it's moot to try and convince him to do so. He says he loves his wife and I'm sure he knows she is a liar etc, but he has chosen his weakness to leave her is greater than his sadness and betrayal by her. Lets just wish him good luck. Not all people are strong enough to leave.

 

His perspective will change over time. Of the 5 stages of grief, denial (of the significance of infidelity) is the first stage; acceptance is the last. Eventually he'll realize that this woman that he loves is who he wishes his wife to be, not who she really is. Right now he's just trying to stop the bleeding.

 

These posts may benefit him later rather than sooner.

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Most of the people here are going to tell you that you're crazy but if you really believe this person can change and will change and is committed to change go ahead and give him a chance some of the best relationships go through with something like this.

 

If you feel good about it and you trust the person take a chance

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lucy_in_disguise

Im a little surprised at the harshness of the replies. A lot of marriages move past infidelity and when the roles are reversed (the man is the cheating partner) the advice is usually mich more constructive.

 

I dont agree that just because she chose to withhold details she cant be remorseful. Personally i cant see what there is to gain knowing the intimate details. Doggie or missionary, 5 times or 10, cheating is cheating. The underlying reasons that motivated her to do this are important and somehing you will need to address together to minimize the risk it happens again.

 

Who knows why her friends said that. maybe they are crappy friends. Maybe they have their own agendas. I cant imagine telling someones husband details about the sex acts their wife performed. WTF.

 

You are taking a risk to try to save the matriage but its not an unreasonable decision. Many couples move past this. Of course many others do not.. Id suggest a good counselor. Good luck.

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