Feeling insecure again.

[BurnedAndLost]

Me and my partner have been doing much better since his affair 3 years ago. I have finally started to trust him again and stopped triggering.

 

Yesterday he came home and told me that exow has moved back in town. As I stated in previous threads she lived in another state with her own partner ( who she cheated on with mine ). Apparently he kicked her out. I'm assuming because after the affair with my partner ended she had multiple others. She even messaged him in September looking to resume.

 

I don't know why, but the fact that she is back is bothering me. I know they have not been in contact since their affair ended and he came and told me she was back as soon as he found out she was back... For some reason this is triggering me. It doesn't help that he is close to her family and works with several of them, so he is bound to run in to her.

[Kkristine]

I worry that you will always have this insecurity that he is going to cheat on you again, whether it be with her or someone else.

 

Since you decided to give him that second chance, all you can do now is put trust in him that he won't do it again. That's all you can do.

 

Try to keep yourself busy and focus on making yourself happy for you. Don't fill your mind with negative thoughts that he will cheat just because she's back in town, you'll drive yourself crazy!

[Lion Heart]

B&L,

 

Has your WH read "What a WS needs to know. .."?

 

I ask this because it seems fine to him to remain close to his OWs family, work with them and continue this? AFTER HIS A?? AND NOW??

 

We know what type of person WH is but OWs FAMILY?? What type of people are they to condone this behaviour? Did they know? I'd bet my house they did. As many seasoned posters on LS say, any friends of the A are not a friend of the marraige. NC.

 

I'm not sure the situation you're in but "the forsake all others" part of your vows was in there? He didn't by having an A in the first instance but in R? Surely he should now???

 

I'm not clear on these points.

 

I would never have been "comfortable" with this type of R. R is difficult enough!

 

I hope you've done the smart things since your D Day like separating the finances, worked on becoming entirely independent of WH ie secured a well paying job and these are the least of things.

 

I already had most of those things in order. I've since written WH right out of my Will and it will always be this way forever, whether we stay together or D.

 

I'm working on getting the home in my name only. Collecting paperwork that proves anything I need to for Court.

 

WH has a GPS on his phone and if it's turned off once, I'll have him removed from this house. I'm installing other surveillance equipment.

I'm strongly considering divorcing WH even in R because THAT marriage ended the minute he decided to have an affair. I will never marry again.

 

Because I truly believe, "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me!"

 

No way in this world will I ever trust someone 100%. CERTAINLY NOT a confirmed liar and a cheat. Sorry, I totally get where you're coming from and you have valid reason to feel very suspicious. IMHO.

 

The very least you should have is a GPS on his phone.

 

Lion Heart.

[whichwayisup]

Me and my partner have been doing much better since his affair 3 years ago. I have finally started to trust him again and stopped triggering.

 

Yesterday he came home and told me that exow has moved back in town. As I stated in previous threads she lived in another state with her own partner ( who she cheated on with mine ). Apparently he kicked her out. I'm assuming because after the affair with my partner ended she had multiple others. She even messaged him in September looking to resume.

 

I don't know why, but the fact that she is back is bothering me. I know they have not been in contact since their affair ended and he came and told me she was back as soon as he found out she was back... For some reason this is triggering me. It doesn't help that he is close to her family and works with several of them, so he is bound to run in to her.

 

You have every right to feel this way, this has jogged up painful memories.

 

Have faith and trust that your husband won't allow anything to happen, that he'll shut her out right away if she tries to contact him. If she shows up at work, he can walk away and not talk to her. The responsibility is on him now.

 

Other than work, why he is close to her family? He needs to detach and not be so involved and close with them. Why didn't he quit 3 years ago and find another job?

 

Keep talking to him and allow him to quash your fears, I hope he makes you feel cared for and safe.

[BetrayedH]

I think you two should have a very serious conversation about him switching jobs and/or moving. If he wants to stay married after an affair, this is not punishment but a natural consequence. You can't be expected to have anxiety indefinitely as you didn't ask for any of this. I think his routine contact with her family, especially now that she's in town, is not a sustainable approach for the two of you. It's time to discuss alternatives.

[No Limit]

How did he find out she's moving back? Why isn't she blocked everywhere? Why is he so keen on knowing where she is?

[BurnedAndLost]

You have every right to feel this way, this has jogged up painful memories.

 

Have faith and trust that your husband won't allow anything to happen, that he'll shut her out right away if she tries to contact him. If she shows up at work, he can walk away and not talk to her. The responsibility is on him now.

 

Other than work, why he is close to her family? He needs to detach and not be so involved and close with them. Why didn't he quit 3 years ago and find another job?

 

Keep talking to him and allow him to quash your fears, I hope he makes you feel cared for and safe.

He can't just quit and find a new job. He doesn't have a degree. He has been working for his company for over ten years and is a supervisor now. He is making decent money and he only got to where he is because he worked hard and got lucky they saw something in him. He works in metal casting, smelting, etc, so it's not like his job is in high demand. Sure he could quit but that would likely mean working in a completely different field of work, starting from the the bottom and most certainly taking a significant paycut. And when I say significant, I do mean it. He is making more than almost everyone at the company besides the managers. His promotions have been a blessing and as I said, it took him over ten years to get. We can't afford the pay cut anyways. He works with the girl's father occasionally. They work at the same company but different shifts. If either works overtime they might end up working a few hours on the same shift. That is as far as his interaction goes with them. But they share common friends and family and will sometimes run in to each other outside of work. For example, his uncle is in the hospital. This girl's family is close to his uncle and he saw the girl's mother and sister there.

[BurnedAndLost]

How did he find out she's moving back? Why isn't she blocked everywhere? Why is he so keen on knowing where she is?

 

As I said before they share mutual family and friends. Everybody knows each other. For example, wp's uncle grew up with her father, their daughters are best friends, wps cousin is the God father exow sisters baby, wps other uncles wifes, sister is married to the half brother of ows father, etc, etc. Sorry if that is hard to follow. Let's just say that there is about a hundred of them in this city and everybody is related to each other to varying degrees. They are all from Puerto Rico, and grew up together, and have also have been brought here because one of them was able to get the other a job at where they worked.

 

For example my bfs uncle moved here about 20 or so years ago. He got a job at where my wp works. He brought a few of his brothers to work here once they got settled. He got my wp a job ten years ago so now they are about 10 brothers and cousins working in this same plant. Wps uncle brings ows family here so ows father can work there also. This was about 4 years ago. .. I think you can see where I'm going with this. Everybody knows everybody and things travel fast so whatever happens with them will get to us and vice versa. There is a lot of gossiping.

 

I'm sorry if this is hard to follow. But as I said it's impossible to completely shut them out because of how many ties we have with them.

[VeryBrokenMan]

One of the conditions that I asked for going forward was complete openness and transparency about her day to day life.

 

I told her that I may never be able to fully trust her again and that I would be questioning her for a long time to come about anything that appeared the least suspicious. And she could not ever become the least bit defensive or bothered by that lack of trust I showed in her. That is one thing she can do for me to allow me to heal and she has to be willing to do it for the rest of her life. I told her if she was not OK with that then there could be no reconciliation. And she gets how badly damaged the trust is and she says she does not deserve to be trusted again and understands my need to be suspicious.

 

I would tell your spouse the same thing. He has broken the trust and it's up to him to make you feel secure and safe at all times. This is not on you at all, it's all on him to make sure of that. That should be a corner stone of you allowing him a second chance and would seriously reconsider any reconciliation where that was not taking place.

[BetrayedH]

He can't just quit and find a new job. He doesn't have a degree. He has been working for his company for over ten years and is a supervisor now. He is making decent money and he only got to where he is because he worked hard and got lucky they saw something in him. He works in metal casting, smelting, etc, so it's not like his job is in high demand. Sure he could quit but that would likely mean working in a completely different field of work, starting from the the bottom and most certainly taking a significant paycut. And when I say significant, I do mean it. He is making more than almost everyone at the company besides the managers. His promotions have been a blessing and as I said, it took him over ten years to get. We can't afford the pay cut anyways. He works with the girl's father occasionally. They work at the same company but different shifts. If either works overtime they might end up working a few hours on the same shift. That is as far as his interaction goes with them. But they share common friends and family and will sometimes run in to each other outside of work. For example, his uncle is in the hospital. This girl's family is close to his uncle and he saw the girl's mother and sister there.

 

I hear you. I really do. But I do think at some point you have to decide what's more important: the money or the marriage. I tried to do as you're suggesting and just sucked it up while my wife and her OM worked at the same company. He had transferred to another department but still, the proximity really did a number on me. Much like you, I didn't want to make her quit a 20 year, successful career. She'd worked there her entire adult life. I'm not sure it was worth the cost to our marriage. In hindsight, I should have continued to pursue the subject.

 

I'm not saying you have to force him to quit. But I think a conversation about making a legitimate effort to look outside the company/area is worth the effort that it takes. Just ask him to start searching on sites like Indeed dot com and he might just find something that's worth consideration. Just don't dismiss it out of hand. Doing some investigating (like a search per day) isn't a big investment or commitment. But if he actually makes a legitimate effort, that might help to quell some of your anxiety as well.

[Lion Heart]

I hear you. I really do. But I do think at some point you have to decide what's more important: the money or the marriage. I tried to do as you're suggesting and just sucked it up while my wife and her OM worked at the same company. He had transferred to another department but still, the proximity really did a number on me. Much like you, I didn't want to make her quit a 20 year, successful career. She'd worked there her entire adult life. I'm not sure it was worth the cost to our marriage. In hindsight, I should have continued to pursue the subject.

 

I'm not saying you have to force him to quit. But I think a conversation about making a legitimate effort to look outside the company/area is worth the effort that it takes. Just ask him to start searching on sites like Indeed dot com and he might just find something that's worth consideration. Just don't dismiss it out of hand. Doing some investigating (like a search per day) isn't a big investment or commitment. But if he actually makes a legitimate effort, that might help to quell some of your anxiety as well.

 

Same as BH, I really get where the dependence on income is important. I get the tangled web scenario, same with me in our community and R BUT OWs family I work with at the same place went NC with her before even talking to me! It's the PEOPLE WHO KNEW and condoned their A behaviours that are a super danger.

 

Sure you can trust Wbf, sure, but why would you?

 

VeryBrokenMan has outlined specifically his approach and it is ALL about the Betrayed partners healing.

 

Sometimes a hard decision has to be made by the couple in R or each individual in R. Is this relationship WORTH more than living in the shadow of the A and being haunted by it because you live in this community? Or is the relationship SO important to you both that you will both be willing to leave the area and put it all behind you? You live in a huge country. There are alternatives.

 

My WH would drop it all in a second to leave if I was willing. He's desperate to leave it all and start afresh with us all. It's me who doesn't want to take him with me if I leave. OW is totally out of the picture (Police being involved) I don't have nearly the concerns you have.

 

You just have to weigh up what's more important to you.

 

LH