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Wife left me for a woman


SimtinMan

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I was looking for some information on how to cope with this situation online because I am far too embarrassed to talk to my friends about this. I eventually ran into this website and I would really like some advice on how to cope, what sexual and could somehow get my wife back.

 

My wife and I have been together for ten years and married for six. We have four beautiful children (2, 3, 5, 5) and a had a wonderful marriage (or so I thought). Four years ago my wife introduced me to a friend of hers named Veronica (not her real name) and I thought she was great. I was really happy for my wife as we recently moved and she had trouble finding friends while I worked at a firehouse so I made friends easily. Veronica and I also had a lot in common, we both loved hockey, listened to the same music and she was also a firefighter which really intrigued me because I have never met a female firefighter before.

 

Our very brief friendship ended when I found out she was a lesbian. I knew she was into guy things but she is also very feminine and looks like a stunner to be honest. If it was just me as a single guy, I would have no problem with her sexual preference but I am raising three daughters and she was too close to my wife. I told my wife that I didn't want her around the kids anymore and that I would like it if they weren't friends. She got angry and upset and I realized I was being unreasonable. I can't dictate who my wife hangs around with but I still didn't want her in my home. I never saw Veronica again but my wife was still friends with her for a while. I asked her about a little over two years ago if they still hung out and she said no.

 

Fast forward to the present. Last week I found my wife sitting on her bed crying, she told me had to tell me something very important and that's when I got the news that she cheated on me with Veronica!We had a bit of a shouting match until one of our kids woke up. She is currently staying at a hotel that her new whore (sorry I'm still fuming) is paying for. I asked how long it was going on for but she won't tell me. I even told her that I would take her back but she says she loves Veronica and wants to be with her. I don't believe that she is actually a lesbian, I think she was bored and is looking for something exciting and taboo. Her parents will freak when they find out! How can I deal with this? Is there any way that I can make her come back?

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Best thing is to expose the A to her parents and your parents.

 

Get information on her being with the OW.

 

Then file for D for abandonment.

 

It should help to bring the fantasy into reality. If she will not go NC with the OW, you do not have a marriage.

 

When you ruin the fantasy, she will have to face reality. Go see you attorney and get the process going.

 

Only then if you want to reconcile and she wants to reconcile, will you have a chance. So who is taking care of the kids? and do you have a restaining order to protect your kids from the OW?

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I_Give_Up67

Your views are your views and you are entitled to them. Having said that, many others might view your thoughts towards Veronica as narrow minded and bigoted. I am in no position to judge you, but I happened to disagree with your beliefs on her orientation.

 

However, by discouraging the friendship, you may have inadvertently pushed your wife into this woman's arms out spite towards you. If Veronica knew how you felt about her, she may have actively targeted your wife for an A just to rub your face in it. It sounds like the best thing you can do at this point is find yourself a good M counselor and see if you can get your WW to attend at least one session with you.

 

If you want to ever R with her, do not do anything too mean or nasty, that may make very difficult or impossible later for her to come back. Knowing how you feel about the same sex aspect of the A, if this becomes public knowledge, you may not want her back for obvious reasons. You may have to give her some space as she requested, but be prepared to file for D if you truly can not get past what she has done.

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I don't agree with your wife cheating however, your homaphobia would be a deal breaker for most spouses. I don't think there is anything you can do to save this. And the OW being a Lezbian is not enough of a reason for the courts to put a restraining order on her.

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Best thing is to expose the A to her parents and your parents.

 

Get information on her being with the OW.

 

Then file for D for abandonment.

 

It should help to bring the fantasy into reality. If she will not go NC with the OW, you do not have a marriage.

 

When you ruin the fantasy, she will have to face reality. Go see you attorney and get the process going.

 

Only then if you want to reconcile and she wants to reconcile, will you have a chance. So who is taking care of the kids? and do you have a restaining order to protect your kids from the OW?

 

 

I am taking care of kids at the moment but they are mad at me for keeping them away from their mother an Veronica. Oh yeah I forgot to add, my wife introduced my kids to Veronica as her "friend" long after I said I didn't want her around them. She even left her alone with kids when she had to run errands and I was working. The kids are really attached to the both of them, I feel that if they get serious my kids will love Veronica more than me. I don't have a restaining order for her but she's kept away since everything blew up. When I am working my parents look after the kids (they still don't know the full story)

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Your views are your views and you are entitled to them. Having said that, many others might view your thoughts towards Veronica as narrow minded and bigoted. I am in no position to judge you, but I happened to disagree with your beliefs on her orientation.

 

However, by discouraging the friendship, you may have inadvertently pushed your wife into this woman's arms out spite towards you. If Veronica knew how you felt about her, she may have actively targeted your wife for an A just to rub your face in it. It sounds like the best thing you can do at this point is find yourself a good M counselor and see if you can get your WW to attend at least one session with you.

 

If you want to ever R with her, do not do anything too mean or nasty, that may make very difficult or impossible later for her to come back. Knowing how you feel about the same sex aspect of the A, if this becomes public knowledge, you may not want her back for obvious reasons. You may have to give her some space as she requested, but be prepared to file for D if you truly can not get past what she has done.

 

I agree that my views were bigoted but that have changed over the years up until this point. It's like all that hatred and judgment returned after finding out that I was "right" about Veronica. Thanks for the advice though, I will talk to my wife.

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The cheating is one whole issue on it's own, but the thing I'd like to point out is if, (I say if because you don't exactly know what's going on here), but if your wife really is attracted to women, you will never do anything to change that. I mean it's possible she's still attracted to men as well, but don't try and "change her" back to men if all those feelings are gone. It's a lost cause.

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I_Give_Up67
I agree that my views were bigoted but that have changed over the years up until this point. It's like all that hatred and judgment returned after finding out that I was "right" about Veronica. Thanks for the advice though, I will talk to my wife.

 

 

 

Sim- If you disregard the fact that she is a woman, and put aside those feelings, what "they" have done is just as bad had it been M/F. Sorry you are having to suffer through this situation. Your beliefs aside, no one deserved to be treated like this!

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SycamoreCircle

I don't agree with the idea that the BS inadvertently pushed his wife into an affair through his "homophobia." If you believe that, then do you believe that cheaters can have legitimate reasons for cheating?

 

And I think his "homophobia" should not be addressed right now. He's obviously angry, obviously hurt and bound to speak and act in ways that aren't characteristic of someone in a rational frame of mind.

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What do I do about my kids? My oldest daughters are mad at me because they haven't seen their mom in a week but I want them to stay with me (for now) They also heard me trash talking Veronica with a friend of mine and got mad me. They were screaming at me telling me that, "Veronica is a nice lady". They don't know that Veronica I and their mom are in a relationship like we once were. I really don't want Veronica around my kids (not due to homophobia). I have a feeling that this affair has been going on for years and if it has then they probably basically grew up with Veronica.

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I_Give_Up67
I don't agree with the idea that the BS inadvertently pushed his wife into an affair through his "homophobia." If you believe that, then do you believe that cheaters can have legitimate reasons for cheating?

 

And I think his "homophobia" should not be addressed right now. He's obviously angry, obviously hurt and bound to speak and act in ways that aren't characteristic of someone in a rational frame of mind.

 

 

Agreed- There is never a valid reason to cheat. Also the OP has also confirm that the shock of DDay brought out a rush of thoughts and emotions that he felt he had put aside. Very understandable.

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Your case is a prime example of when to embrace the "180" because your wife has left you and is continuing her affair with her lover. You have to care for young children, alone, so don't waste time playing games. The 180 is, basically, completely turning your back on your WW. Cut off all contact with your her. When she wants to move back in tell her she is not welcome in the family home. You can't enforce this, legally, but she doesn't know that and you might be able to bluff her. If she forces her way back into your home keep up the no contact thing. Of course you will have to see her if she is rattling around the house, but you don't have to acknowledge her unless it is absolutely necessary. That means only talk to her if it is something important that relates directly to the kids or telling her if her hair is on fire so she can put it out before it damages the house.

 

Call a lawyer and see him/her as soon as possible. File the divorce action as soon as possible. You need to take firm action in order to move this mess forward. The alternative is begging her to come home or welcoming her with open arms with her changing nothing in her life. Being served with divorce papers will snap her back to the reality that she is going to lose her family. She will have to make some hard decisions. If she comes to you begging for another chance then you can decide at that time whether she's worth it. But maybe she doesn't want to be married to you anymore and will welcome a divorce. That is why it is so important to meet with a lawyer as soon as possible. Your wife has abandoned you & the kids and that will mean something if this ends in divorce.

 

You need to start seeing a counselor as well. You need someone in your corner as you try to work through this mess.

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What do I do about my kids? My oldest daughters are mad at me because they haven't seen their mom in a week but I want them to stay with me (for now) They also heard me trash talking Veronica with a friend of mine and got mad me. They were screaming at me telling me that, "Veronica is a nice lady". They don't know that Veronica I and their mom are in a relationship like we once were. I really don't want Veronica around my kids (not due to homophobia). I have a feeling that this affair has been going on for years and if it has then they probably basically grew up with Veronica.

You are their father and you are in charge of their well-being. Feelings about whether they should or shouldn't be around Veronica has no place on your radar right now. Stop all contact with WW. Call a lawyer. Move forward - your action is what's best for you and your kids

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autumnnight
Your views are your views and you are entitled to them. Having said that, many others might view your thoughts towards Veronica as narrow minded and bigoted. I am in no position to judge you, but I happened to disagree with your beliefs on her orientation.

 

However, by discouraging the friendship, you may have inadvertently pushed your wife into this woman's arms out spite towards you. If Veronica knew how you felt about her, she may have actively targeted your wife for an A just to rub your face in it. It sounds like the best thing you can do at this point is find yourself a good M counselor and see if you can get your WW to attend at least one session with you.

 

If you want to ever R with her, do not do anything too mean or nasty, that may make very difficult or impossible later for her to come back. Knowing how you feel about the same sex aspect of the A, if this becomes public knowledge, you may not want her back for obvious reasons. You may have to give her some space as she requested, but be prepared to file for D if you truly can not get past what she has done.

 

Um,you are very nice and PC and all, but you are very wrong. Cheating is a choice, and his W chose to cheatvjust like any other cheater.

 

Besides, true tolerance goes both ways, so let's be tolerant of this hurting BH. This is not a gay rights tgread.

 

OP I agree with everything harrybrown said. I'm sorry you are going through this.

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Me too. I agree with harrybrown's advice. And this is definitely not the platform to argue gay rights etc.. this is about a husband whose wife cheated on him so let's keep it focused on the cheating.

 

SimtinMan, I am sorry this happened to you. Surround yourself with supportive people right now.

 

Here's a link to an article to help you decide if it's right to share your wife's affair with Veronica. According to this Psychology Today article, not all children should be told about an extramarital affair.

 

According to Psychology Today:

 

the harm done to the child occurs at the moment that that partner elected to go outside the marriage for an emotional or physical relationship. When an affair happens, it cheats the spouse and the family of the love and commitment of a partner and parent.

 

Telling the child may put an ugly name on why a parent has pulled away from the family, but it is, ultimately, naming a truth. And if there is one thing that affairs teach us, it is how devastating lies can be.

 

I think it’s also a mistake, though, to conclude that all children should be told about an affair. When couples are affected by an affair, they have the challenge of establishing a truthful and open relationship, but they also have the task of rebuilding trust.

 

Before the parent who has been cheated on assumes that the child must know, it’s worth asking what the motivation is. After all, if you’ve been the victim of an affair you know it can generate a tsunami of negative emotion.

 

When you turn to tell your children, are you sharing the knowledge with them because it’s information they must know, or are you telling them to vent your own anger or to inflict damage on your spouse? Your children should not be used for hurting others or as your personal therapists.

 

I also found this article from PT, that explores the meaning of same sex affairs for women and the impact it can have on the marriage and the family. Don't know if it will help, but glean what you can from it.

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autumnnight
I don't agree with your wife cheating however, your homaphobia would be a deal breaker for most spouses. I don't think there is anything you can do to save this. And the OW being a Lezbian is not enough of a reason for the courts to put a restraining order on her.

 

Homophobia is technically a fearbof homosexuality. Is the OP suddenly afraidvof hiis wife. Not approving of homosexuality is NOT homophobia, regardless of what the PC pol8ce say. This is a thread about a hurting BS whose wife has cheated.

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What should you do about your kids?

 

Are you more angry with your wife than you love your kids? If so, keep punishing them by not letting them see their mother.

 

Do you love your kids more than you are mad at your wife? If so, set up a time for them to spend together, even if it's in a public place where you can supervise them.

 

The kids don't understand because mommy has always been there...and that includes while daddy was working. Yes, you had to work to keep a roof over their heads and food in their mouths, but little children don't understand the logistics concerning how households work. All they know is they are being kept away from the one person who has always been with them.

 

You're angry because of what your wife has done, understandably so, but she is of no danger to them and refusing to let them have contact is hurting them moreso than her.

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Hope Shimmers

I agree with Methodical. Your kids are very young and need their mom. Keeping her from them is hard on them (and I'm assuming she has tried to see them).

 

As for Veronica, if your wife ends up with this woman long-term, she will be in your kids' lives and there won't be anything you can do about it. So best not to bad-mouth her around your very young and impressionable kids.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you.

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I_Give_Up67
Um,you are very nice and PC and all, but you are very wrong. Cheating is a choice, and his W chose to cheatvjust like any other cheater.

 

Besides, true tolerance goes both ways, so let's be tolerant of this hurting BH. This is not a gay rights tgread.

 

OP I agree with everything harrybrown said. I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

Autumn- Politically correct? Is that why I am catching grief from you and and others here now? Must not have been too PC because I violated the great unspoken rule and excused the WW's A. Very not PC apparently.

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most lesbian affairs die off VERY quickly. so it you are still willing to take your wife back, just plan on waiting 6 months or so and she will be coming back to you....assuming you did not burn any bridges.

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DbleBetrayal
. Veronica and I also had a lot in common, we both loved hockey, listened to the same music and she was also a firefighter which really intrigued me because I have never met a female firefighter before.

 

Our very brief friendship ended when I found out she was a lesbian. I knew she was into guy things but she is also very feminine and looks like a stunner to be honest. If it was just me as a single guy, I would have no problem with her sexual preference but I am raising three daughters and she was too close to my wife. I told my wife that I didn't want her around the kids anymore and that I would like it if they weren't friends. She got angry and upset and I realized I was being unreasonable. I can't dictate who my wife hangs around with but I still didn't want her in my home. I never saw Veronica again but my wife was still friends with her for a while. I asked her about a little over two years ago if they still hung out and she said no.

 

 

Sounds like you thought you were in an emotional affair with Veronica, and then she rejected you because she is a lesbian. Now you're wife is with her. Wow. I'm sorry for that... but it sounds to me that you were getting very close and were attracted to her; both physically and emotionally.

 

My guess is you made a move and that's why she told you she was a lesbian. Don't mean to be a Suspicious Susan.

 

I am sorry your wife has left you to be with her. Like others suggested, do the 180.

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Sorry to hear of this scenario. How devastating to endure.

 

Contact a lawyer. Get proper counseling.

 

You can request at this time that visitation be with adult supervision. As a parent you actually do HAVE say in who your children are around.

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I had a short conversation with my wife over the phone. I tried to scare her by telling her that she could either come back now and I will forgive her or I would get a divorce and we can never be a full family like we have alwkeep dreamt of. She responded by saying, "fine". I was so shocked, like thats all she said! I asked her what she meant and she told me she wanted a divorce and I honestly felt like crying. I am a grown man that hasn't cried in years, this was the closest I have ever come.

 

I tried reminding her of what she was giving up but she just said that she wasn't giving up on her kids, only me. She isnt working at the moment so I mentioned that she couldn't take care of them, so I should keep them while she runs along with her new girlfriend. She just told me her job is still there for her and Veronica can help her out. I tried everything to get her to change her mind but she doesnt care. The whole conversation consisted of me trying to make her see sense and her just snapping back with perfect responses.

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Sorry to hear of this scenario. How devastating to endure.

 

Contact a lawyer. Get proper counseling.

 

You can request at this time that visitation be with adult supervision. As a parent you actually do HAVE say in who your children are around.

 

How long will I have a say though? Wouldn't Veronica become part of the kids lives eventually? That's what I am afraid of. They love this woman for whatever reason and I think I will lose them to her one day.

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