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Trust issues


star gaze

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Hello everyone.

 

My question pertains to the trust issue that comes after being cheated on. I was cheated on, and though I think I have recovered and am no longer in contact with my ex-fiancee, many times I have found myself not trusting people as I used to. It has been months and though I know it’s not my fault that I was betrayed, but I can’t help but think that I must have done something somewhere which led her to cheating….and I don’t know what that is. Whenever I see happy couples in parks, bars, movies or novels, I inadvertently think that “yeah, yeah, you are happy NOW, but one of you will cheat someday…” This happens with my friends, relatives, characters in books and movies, it happens to me everywhere. And I don’t want to feel this way. It’s depressing. If this keeps happening, I may sabotage my future relationships also. I do understand that I am nowhere near ready to have another relationship. Please, help me with how to move on. Please, recommend me books if there are any.

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Whenever I see happy couples in parks, bars, movies or novels, I inadvertently think that “yeah, yeah, you are happy NOW, but one of you will cheat someday…

 

Statistically it's true.

 

The world is not perfect, people are not perfect, and powerful true love is usually temporary. With this knowledge you can reduce expectations and just try to be happy.

 

Not everybody cheat, but most of us has dreams and fantasies and desires which are not fit to marriage life. Yes, the marriage institution isn't perfect and doesn't give an answer to all needs.

Edited by lolablue17
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All dogs can bite their owners or $h!t in your bedroom. Just try to get a breed that is less likely to bite and keep an eye on it, while enjoying its companionship.

 

Or decide to be alone.

 

Thats life.

Edited by dichotomy
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Darren Steez
Hello everyone.

 

My question pertains to the trust issue that comes after being cheated on. I was cheated on, and though I think I have recovered and am no longer in contact with my ex-fiancee, many times I have found myself not trusting people as I used to. It has been months and though I know it’s not my fault that I was betrayed, but I can’t help but think that I must have done something somewhere which led her to cheating….and I don’t know what that is. Whenever I see happy couples in parks, bars, movies or novels, I inadvertently think that “yeah, yeah, you are happy NOW, but one of you will cheat someday…” This happens with my friends, relatives, characters in books and movies, it happens to me everywhere. And I don’t want to feel this way. It’s depressing. If this keeps happening, I may sabotage my future relationships also. I do understand that I am nowhere near ready to have another relationship. Please, help me with how to move on. Please, recommend me books if there are any.

 

It's been years since I've been cheated on and guess what? It never leaves me..nor would I want it to. I've been cheated on twice both were horrible.

 

After the first time, I was like you, bitter, resentful then I started dating again cautiously after I while met someone else and after many years she too kicked me in the nuts.

 

They were lessons, and I learned them well. So what happens now? Any red flags I take them seriously and most importantly I speak my mind and if I don't like the situation or the girl I'm with isn't playing ball, I'm out.

 

I will always be reasonable but up until a point but the most important thing was life goes on and you can't let one person hold dominion on finding happiness with someone else.

 

Yes, don't trust too easy. Anybody needs to earn trust. As always and this is always true, the person you need to let into your life needs to be worthy.

Only you can decide that. Let the bitterness go but remember the lessons and use them to lead an authentic life.

 

p.s Go out and have fun. You don't need to date seriously. Forgive them then forgive yourself and try to move on.

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TrustedthenBusted

The one positive thing that living through infidelity has given me is the gift of clarity. This is not to be confused with cynicism though. Just clarity.

 

I've learned that when the chips are down, everyone looks out for Numero Uno.

 

I suggest you do the same.

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All dogs can bite their owners or $h!t in your bedroom. Just try to get a breed that is less likely to bite and keep an eye on it, while enjoying its companionship.

 

Or decide to be alone.

 

Thats life.

 

Amazing how women compare us men with dogs and nothing happens, yet I compare women with cars and all hell break loose.

 

Whatever this Simone of Beauvoir thinks, only very stupid men demean themselves thinking that we are not equal to them and we must accept a leash in order to get the occasional sexual liaison, of course after the hour and a half going down on her feminist self.

 

This said I do understand, and even salute, that Dichotomy has a dog as a life partner. More power to you, sister! However, I am under the impression that the OP is looking for a man with more substance, a man stronger (not necessarily in the physical sense, and definitely not related to any sort of violence)...a man that can be an equal.

 

But here lies the problem. I have never in my life owned an Apple product, but do you know why whenever the new iPhone goes on sale there are queues of people crazy to buying it? Because the iPhone is in high demand. And iPhone men are the same, in part (and Dichotomy is right) because most men are dogs.

 

Why do men cheat? First a foremost, because they can. And the "more in demand" (notice the quotes) they are, the more likely for them to cheat.

 

IMHO, it is not so much that you don't trust men but that you don't trust the type of men you are attracted to. Sure you would trust John Doe from the maintenance department with the second hand Corolla and the few extra pounds, but then again you would have to conjure your best mental abilities to get "moisturized" while you finally give up on men and accept the bottom of the barrel.

 

Are there exceptions? Sure they are. But they are few and far between, so my advice for you is to understand and accept the reality we live in: Either stop thinking in terms of serious relationships or marriage, and embrace the freedom of having male partners that you can call when the mood is right, or stop thinking in terms of Cadillac Escalade and start considering that cute super reliable Nissan with the ultra low mileage, and from time to time close your eyes on red lights and imagine you were driving a muscle car.

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Hi Stargaze,

I am sorry you were hurt - and welcome to the club that no-one wants to be in !

The plain fact is that in this world the only person's behaviour that you can control is your own. You cannot stop anyone cheating on you.

 

All these articles in women's magazines about "How to affair-proof your marriage" are a load of BS.

 

All you can do is to prepare yourself - even if you are married - and have a plan to deal with it is it happens.

 

I would advise any young female as follows;-

 

1. Get as many qualifications under your belt as you can. Skill-up so you can be an independent woman who can support herself.

2. Do not go and live with a guy before you are married. This is not a moralistic viewpoint - marriage affords clear legal guideline for couples who live together - co-habiting couples do not have these.

3. Do not have children with a man unless you are financially, emotionally and physically prepared to raise those children on your own. In today's society there are so many pressures on relationships that many fail.

4. Always have your own bank a/c even when married, if you want to have a joint a/c to pay the bills that's fine, but keep your financial independence.

 

 

I'm sorry I can't tell you any way to protect your heart, but protecting your assets is the first step.

 

"Trust but verify" is always a good maxim.

 

Good luck.

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Hello everyone.

 

My question pertains to the trust issue that comes after being cheated on. I was cheated on, and though I think I have recovered and am no longer in contact with my ex-fiancee, many times I have found myself not trusting people as I used to. It has been months and though I know it’s not my fault that I was betrayed, but I can’t help but think that I must have done something somewhere which led her to cheating….and I don’t know what that is. Whenever I see happy couples in parks, bars, movies or novels, I inadvertently think that “yeah, yeah, you are happy NOW, but one of you will cheat someday…” This happens with my friends, relatives, characters in books and movies, it happens to me everywhere. And I don’t want to feel this way. It’s depressing. If this keeps happening, I may sabotage my future relationships also. I do understand that I am nowhere near ready to have another relationship. Please, help me with how to move on. Please, recommend me books if there are any.

Everything you say here caused me to say to myself "Yeah - welcome to real life". You won't ever trust anyone unconditionally again. It was only because you are young and naive that you ever did this in the first place. Lots of women - and me - cheat. It is probably 50 - 50 that it will happen to you again in your life. There are no books that will change these facts. Counseling is your best bet to regain your self-esteem, and see & accept the world for what it is. You are not special and bad things are going to happen to you the same as to everyone else. Then you can re-enter the world with appropriate expectations.

 

Forewarned is forearmed.

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Amazing how women compare us men with dogs and nothing happens, yet I compare women with cars and all hell break loose.

 

This said I do understand, and even salute, that Dichotomy has a dog as a life partner. More power to you, sister!

 

 

?

 

My use of "dog" was asexual in nature...and I am a dude.

 

but yes in a way I married a dog ( a female or bitch if you wish dog gender) and have spend years retraining it not to bite me again..or $h!t in my house.

Edited by dichotomy
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...I inadvertently think that “yeah, yeah, you are happy NOW, but one of you will cheat someday…”

Hey it is understood that you may feel so, you went through it. I guess if at the moment you can't totally wipe off that inadvertence from your mind, then for now, you can at least try to accept it. Everyone can possibly cheat someday. Perhaps that will be much easier to achieve, much less depressing or sabotaging.

 

I hope you can still give your best, to the one you love, family, friends, and people around you. Embrace your own ability to do so, enjoy the good things as it is good now. Yes, despite how wretched people/situation can transpire later, at least that is on them.

 

Good luck.

 

I would advise any young female as follows;-

Err..well I otoh thinks that star gaze is a smart and kind young man. ;)

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Snaggletooth
Hello everyone.

 

My question pertains to the trust issue that comes after being cheated on. I was cheated on, and though I think I have recovered and am no longer in contact with my ex-fiancee, many times I have found myself not trusting people as I used to. It has been months and though I know it’s not my fault that I was betrayed, but I can’t help but think that I must have done something somewhere which led her to cheating….and I don’t know what that is. Whenever I see happy couples in parks, bars, movies or novels, I inadvertently think that “yeah, yeah, you are happy NOW, but one of you will cheat someday…” This happens with my friends, relatives, characters in books and movies, it happens to me everywhere. And I don’t want to feel this way. It’s depressing. If this keeps happening, I may sabotage my future relationships also. I do understand that I am nowhere near ready to have another relationship. Please, help me with how to move on. Please, recommend me books if there are any.

 

I've been cheated on twice and yeah, it can leave a sour taste, especially when it was someone you thought you'd be with forever and built your life around. The thing is, all you have to do in the future is find one person to trust. That's it. The rest don't matter. It may take a year or it may take thirteen (as in my case) but you know it when you find that person. Along with all the other characteristics that you like about them, their honesty and integrity will stand tall. Their actions will meet their words. They wont compromise their values. The way they conduct themselves in life will reassure you. For plenty of people cheating is a line they cannot and will never cross. All many of us have to do is look inside ourselves to know there are others who will never cheat, lie, deceive, betray, abandon. Once you know what you look like you will recognise it in others. Don't rush anything, take time to get to know them and you see these things. You'll know you've met someone who can be trusted.

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Lolablue17: Thank you. I do understand what you are saying, but I think it will take sometime before it really sinks in.

 

Dichotomy: “That’s life”, thank you.

 

Confused48: I just downloaded that book. Thank you very much.

 

Darren Steez: I really liked that part about the person that I will be letting into my life needing to earn trust. Thank you very much.

 

TrustedthenBusted: Thank you. I hope I will gain that clarity, and also about Numero Uno.

 

Arieswoman: Thank you. I’m a male though, but your suggestions are really good and practical and applicable to me too (obviously, not the 2nd one). Thank you, and I liked that maxim (“trust but verify” which I will believe means don’t neglect red-flags).

 

Drifter777: …appropriate expectations. Thank you for your suggestion. I do understand this; and you are very right about having appropriate “expectations”.

 

A. Moscote: Thank you. I’m learning to accept that everybody is capable of cheating, me included; and it does calms me down. I’m going to plagiarize the second paragraph, if you don’t mind. Actually, I’m not resentful and bitter to people as such; it’s just that when it comes to romance and similar thing (in media and real life), I just feel bitter taste in my mouth. But I will not be punishing people around me or with me for crimes that they did not commit or may commit in future. Thank you very much.

 

Snaggletooth: Thank you, very much. Your suggestion is so hopeful and good.

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OP what I have learned in my life (I was cheated on as well) is that trust is a choice and it is also earned. I will explain.

 

 

We all agree that trust is earned by the person whom we are attempting to trust. They do what they say they were going to do, are where they said they would be, and with whom they said they would be with and we can trust that they are telling the truth because we have verified that.

 

 

When trust becomes a choice is when trust cannot be earned as easily due to circumstances such as yours and mine. My first wife cheated on me early in our relationship and it made for a very dysfunctional marriage. Years later when I finally got the courage to leave her, and later met my current wife, this distrust of people in general nearly wrecked our relationship. This is when I learned that trust is also a choice. This woman was new in my life and I really had no reason at all to trust that she wouldn't do the same things to me that my exW had done. Except for the fact that she was totally different. She treated me better. She respected me and eventually showed me love in ways that I thought only existed in movies.

 

 

My point is, once you finally meet someone else, you will have no tangible reason to trust them. It will be a choice. Could my current wife and love of my life cheat on me? Of course. If she does it will devastate me. However, The short 3 years that we have been together have been the best of my life. Years I wouldn't trade for anything. Don't let what your ex did define you and keep you on the sidelines of life. Don't let what she did keep you from finding your one true love. Make the conscious decision to trust again even when every alarm in your heart and mind are telling you it's dangerous. Guess what? It is dangerous, but the only other options is more dangerous IMO. Good luck OP. Life sucks sometimes but you can't stop living it.

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Stargaze - I apologise - I thought you were female :o

 

Here I have just demonstrated another faux pas - :o - never assume anything ...

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