Cheated On and I'm Hurting

[I4givehim]

I have recently found out my H has been cheating on me for a year. He said he went outside the marriage because he felt I wasn't there for him. I worked to much. I am Trying to forgive but I am having a hard time doing so. I will never forget what he has done to me, us, our marriage. I am devastated and some days I feel like I never stop thinking about it or picturing him with the OW.

I will take any advice from anyone in hope's it will help me get rid of this pain and begin to heal. Thank you.

[jbrent890]

I'm a firm believer that if you have to catch yourmspouse in an affair, then you are better off divorcing them. Probably not what you want to hear, but allow me to elaborate. One of the things I have noticed a lot of cheaters do after d day is still contact their AP. If he tells you that he has stopped talking to her, then he is full of crap. This is more than likely going to go on for weeks, maybe months. I have seen it too many times on this site. The biggest reason why I think you should leave him is because he blames you for his cheating. Did he bring these issues up to you before his affair? IMO, it sounds like your husband wanted some strange and it's easier to blame you then blame himself. Most cheaters do not want to see themselves as the bad guy. Lastly, I think you got the question you asked in your other thread answered by some of the responses you got. The fact is, most (not all) OW/OM don't care about the BS. In fact, I mentioned this in another thread, most OW/OM that come here don't even mention that they feel bad about what they did to the BS.

[Satu]

I have recently found out my H has been cheating on me for a year. *He said he went outside the marriage because he felt I wasn't there for him. I worked to much. I am Trying to forgive but I am having a hard time doing so. I will never forget what he has done to me, us, our marriage. I am devastated and some days I feel like I never stop thinking about it or picturing him with the OW.

I will take any advice from anyone in hope's it will help me get rid of this pain and begin to heal. Thank you.

 

They all say,"I needed xyz, and you weren't giving that to me."

 

Then you can get really clear in your head that its all your fault.

 

Then you can get really clear in your head that you're just not good enough.

 

Then you can get really clear in your head that you must do better.

 

Or, you can look at it this way: He did it because he wanted to.

 

Which is a good way of looking at it, because it's the truth.

[MLAZ1990]

So sorry to hear this! Don't listen to his excuses! Nothing can justify something like that!

[Satu]

I have recently found out my H has been cheating on me for a year. He said he went outside the marriage because he felt I wasn't there for him. I worked to much. *I am Trying to forgive but I am having a hard time doing so. I will never forget what he has done to me, us, our marriage. I am devastated and some days I feel like I never stop thinking about it or picturing him with the OW.

I will take any advice from anyone in hope's it will help me get rid of this pain and begin to heal. Thank you.

 

*Don't even think about forgiving him, until he takes 100% of the responsibility for what he did.

 

Nobody made him do what he did.

 

You didn't make him do it.

 

The other woman didn't make him do it.

 

The dog and the cat didn't make him do it.

 

What you get left with is him.

 

He is the one who decided to do it all by himself.

Edited March 22, 2015 by Satu

[I4givehim]

Thank you everybody. I have always said if you cheat on me I will DIVORCE YOU. It's easier said then done. Thanks for the advise. Like the saying goes once a cheater always a cheater.

[badpenny]

Your name should be "Idonot4givehim" because under these circumstances, you are absolutley right not to.

 

Please understand this:

You are in an emotionally difficult place right now, and the hardest thing for you to do, is to THINK LOGICALLY.

 

Sadly, a situation like this requires logical thinking.

Satu has pointed out some pertinent and absolutely rock-solid truths.

 

HE DID THIS.

HE IS TO BLAME.

 

This was his decision.

If he felt you weren't there for him, he should, as your husband, have come looking for you and talked to you about it.

He should have suggested something wasn't working, and you could have addressed the issue together, as a couple, maybe with counselling.

 

Instead, he chose "The easy way out" and looked for creature comfort in between the legs of another woman.

By choice.

on his own.

 

You have to decide what, if anything, needs doing to overcome this.

You need to consider whatever strategy is best for you.

 

do you want to stay with him?

Do you want to make the marriage work?

do you want to re-build on what you had?

 

He must co-operate, 100%.

He has to want it as much as you. He has to do, whatever it takes - whatever you stipulate you need - to regain your trust and love.

 

If you cannot see a way to make this work, find a lawyer and file.

Gain the support and help of a good friend.

You need to not keep this a secret, either. He betrayed you, he lied, he cheated.

The consequence of his actions is exposure.

He doesn't get to hide behind more lies....

[LifesontheUp]

I4givehim:

 

It takes a long time before you start to feel better when you find out something like this.

 

Whether you stay together and work on your marriage is a matter for you and your husband. At the moment you are getting the usual justifications of why HE cheated and they will always be because of you.

 

Unless your husband starts to wake up and admits this on HIM and nobody else then I don't think you have any hope unless you are willing to ignore his next time and the next time etc etc.

 

Are you going to counselling over this?

[harrybrown]

Has he stopped all contact with the OW?

 

Is he remorseful for his cheating? a year is a long time.

 

But his reasons are really that he is selfish.

 

Sorry for your pain. Read up on the 180 and start doing some things for yourself.

[I4givehim]

Has he stopped all contact with the OW?

 

Is he remorseful for his cheating? a year is a long time.

 

But his reasons are really that he is selfish.

 

Sorry for your pain. Read up on the 180 and start doing some things for yourself.

Yes he has NC with the OW. I agree he is a very selfish person. He is an only child and I have used that excuse for every other selfish things he had done in the past, BUT an Affair I can NOT excuse.

I think he is remorseful. He is doing everything to make up for what he did. BUT I am finding it hard to forget. I think of it all the time. I picture him with the OW all the time. We going to counseling. At the end of the day I want to say I tried everything to fix my marriage, no matter how it turns out. I don't want to be sitting in my rocking chair at an old age saying "what if."

I am doing things that I enjoy. My attitude now is "it's all about me." Thank you for answering.

[scatterd]

What a piece of work. I gave mine a chance and he turned around and did it again that's if it ever stopped.They like to shift blame its usually the none cheater that gets blamed in one form or another.Mine started a major war in our home started treating everybody like crap for what he did.It hurts to bad I know.This was not a one night stand mistake he did it was for a long time.As far as it being because you worked to much it would of been a different excuse if you was not working like you did not work enough.I am so sorry for your pain I know it all so well. He has a character flaw and it will take lots of time to fix. I will not say to much because I am am so mad right now at mine I might give you the wrong answer but my heart is with you big hugs.

[I4givehim]

Your name should be "Idonot4givehim" because under these circumstances, you are absolutley right not to.

 

Please understand this:

You are in an emotionally difficult place right now, and the hardest thing for you to do, is to THINK LOGICALLY.

 

Sadly, a situation like this requires logical thinking.

Satu has pointed out some pertinent and absolutely rock-solid truths.

 

HE DID THIS.

HE IS TO BLAME.

 

This was his decision.

If he felt you weren't there for him, he should, as your husband, have come looking for you and talked to you about it.

He should have suggested something wasn't working, and you could have addressed the issue together, as a couple, maybe with counselling.

 

Instead, he chose "The easy way out" and looked for creature comfort in between the legs of another woman.

By choice.

on his own.

 

You have to decide what, if anything, needs doing to overcome this.

You need to consider whatever strategy is best for you.

 

do you want to stay with him?

Do you want to make the marriage work?

do you want to re-build on what you had?

 

He must co-operate, 100%.

He has to want it as much as you. He has to do, whatever it takes - whatever you stipulate you need - to regain your trust and love.

 

If you cannot see a way to make this work, find a lawyer and file.

Gain the support and help of a good friend.

You need to not keep this a secret, either. He betrayed you, he lied, he cheated.

The consequence of his actions is exposure.

He doesn't get to hide behind more lies....

 

I have only told a couple of my closest friends because I am ashamed of what he did. I'm embarrassed for him. At times I'm so wishy washy. ... one minute I want a divorce. The next minute I want to stay married and work things out..... what to do what to do. I'm so confused. I just want this pain to go away. I didn't deserve this. I was just trying to make a better life for him and I. He will be retiring soon and he never saved a penny for his retirement. So I was working hard to ensure we had, And he goes and does something as stupid as CHEATING.

I know time heals all wounds. I just don't know if I want to heal with him or without him. Thank you

[I4givehim]

What a piece of work. I gave mine a chance and he turned around and did it again that's if it ever stopped.They like to shift blame its usually the none cheater that gets blamed in one form or another.Mine started a major war in our home started treating everybody like crap for what he did.It hurts to bad I know.This was not a one night stand mistake he did it was for a long time.As far as it being because you worked to much it would of been a different excuse if you was not working like you did not work enough.I am so sorry for your pain I know it all so well. He has a character flaw and it will take lots of time to fix. I will not say to much because I am am so mad right now at mine I might give you the wrong answer but my heart is with you big hugs.

I say to him all the time "You will do it again." He says no he wont. My return comment to that is you also said "I DO." and as we know you went back on those words. I am so angry that he brought all this drama into our lives. All because he is selfishness. I hope this pain goes away soon. I feel like such a fool. I am keeping busy. Keeping my mind occupied with positive thoughts.

[sandylee1]

Some suggestions for you that should be conditions of a reconciliation :

 

The first thing reconciliation looks like is REAL REMORSE from your husband.

 

NO CONTACT ever again with OW.*

 

A NC letter to the OW. See below. He writes it and YOU send it via certified mail.

-------------------------

Dear Other Person,

 

The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and selfish. It hurt many people, particularly my spouse, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to rebuild after*all the hurt I’ve caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the *husband/wife that he/she deserves.

 

Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to both our*marriage and our family, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish*and do not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

 

My spouse has all the details of our relationship and he/she will also be told of any attempts at contact.

 

Sincerely,

 

Disloyal Spouse

 

------------------------

 

- IC for him (and you if you think you need it)

- MC*

- Timeline of the affair with ALL the details about all infidelity in the marriage.*

- Polgraph to confirm the timeline*

- All your questions answered for as long as you need and he can't get irritated about this because he brought it on.

- A Post-nuptial agreement with infidelity clause. If he's resistant, then you'll know where you stand.

Complete transparency ALWAYS. Access to his gadgets.

- Patience, love, reassurance, empathy and gratitude to you.

- Never telling you to "its been long enough and to get over it" or "that its time to move on"

 

He isn't the one that got betrayed, so he has no right to say that to you.

You may also consider exposing the affair to family members for support. Another reason would be for him to face consequences for his infidelity.

 

Think about whether exposure to some people would harm your reconciliation though.

 

I've heard of cases where the betrayed spouse's family, are against a reconciliation and cannot forgive the WS. It has resulted in grandparents never see their child or grandchildren again because of this. It totally destroys not just the marriage, but the entire family.

 

I think it's good to tell his parents and family. It makes him accountable and his family should know what their son has done to you.

 

The BS parents have gone as far as writing them out of their will when they reconcile, especially when it was a really bad betrayal, multiple affairs or an OC (other child/affair child)

 

 

If he is not willing to do the heavy lifting required, then he ISN'T REMORSEFUL . He has to try and gain your trust back, although it will never be the same because he introduced a third party into your marriage and caused the damage .

 

Reconciliation is HARD WORK for both of you.

[I4givehim]

I4givehim:

 

It takes a long time before you start to feel better when you find out something like this.

 

Whether you stay together and work on your marriage is a matter for you and your husband. At the moment you are getting the usual justifications of why HE cheated and they will always be because of you.

 

Unless your husband starts to wake up and admits this on HIM and nobody else then I don't think you have any hope unless you are willing to ignore his next time and the next time etc etc.

 

Are you going to counselling over this?

Yes we are going to counseling. I want to say I tried everything. I refuse to take any responsibility for his CHEATING. Some people will say that is wrong of me but I can't believe me working so hard to keep a roof over our heads, keep the heat and electricity on and putting food on the table caused him to run to another women. I get angry every time I think of it.

[LifesontheUp]

I4givehim

 

I get the anger. My xH had an affair with a girl young enough to be his daughter while I was back and fro visiting and looking after my dieing father.

 

I hated him but also didn't want to give up 18yrs together. So we started to date etc. But it took me 6 months to realise I wouldn't forget and didn't love him anymore. He always was selfish and immature and loved having his ego stroked.

 

You do what you think is best for you. If that means counselling then give it a chance. Time will tell as you move through the process.

 

But one thing I would say is that do it for YOU. Don't let anyone sway you and if you decide to end it there is no shame. Will think of you.

[sandylee1]

Remember to focus on your H. Thinking too much about the OW will drive you crazy. Both your H and her were weak and wrong in what they did. I know the mind movies and thoughts of her will haunt you for a very very long time if not forever. Just tell yourself that someone who is a MMs secret is broken, probably gullible and has little self respect.

 

I mentioned exposure earlier and I have to say exposure also applies to the OW. If there is another betrayed spouse, you should tell him immediately. Your H has put you at risk of getting Std's, so get tested as a matter of urgency. They almost never use condoms.

 

If she's single, tell her family. If your H is truly remorseful, he will support you in doing this. He will provide all the information you need if he is committed to you. If he doesn't, he is protecting her. You're the one he made his vows to and he needs to protect you not her. You are in the position to make demands of him right now.

 

Make it clear to him that you haven't decided whether you will divorce or not. Watch out for him taking the affair underground and continuing to deceive you.

 

If you decide to reconcile, you tell him that if you find out he's continued the A, or if he EVER cheats again, you will file for a Divorce. You have to mean this and go through with it, otherwise don't say it. He'll then think your ultimatums mean nothing. Watch out for him getting a secret phone. See if you can sync his texts and emails so you have full access.

 

Telling them is for her to face consequences for her actions and if the family have morals, they will call her on her behaviour. I know if i were in that position, my family would be disgusted. If people never face consequences, they will just do it again and again.

 

I know you feel ashamed /embarrassed for him. He brought it on himself. Hopefully the shame will prevent him doing it again, but don't keep his infidelity a secret because of his shame. Again, it's a consequence.

 

Above all, what you have to realise is that if it wasn't this woman, it would have been another woman. So ultimately it lies with your H, and him not crossing boundaries. So even if an OW, strips naked, he walks away. He needs to recognise there are women that flirt and push the boundaries with MM. He HAS TO BE IN CONTROL. He can have sex with all the women he wants to, but you won't be married to him.

[I4givehim]

Some suggestions for you that should be conditions of a reconciliation :

 

The first thing reconciliation looks like is REAL REMORSE from your husband.

 

NO CONTACT ever again with OW.*

 

A NC letter to the OW. See below. He writes it and YOU send it via certified mail.

-------------------------

Dear Other Person,

 

The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and selfish. It hurt many people, particularly my spouse, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to rebuild after*all the hurt I’ve caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the *husband/wife that he/she deserves.

 

Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to both our*marriage and our family, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish*and do not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

 

My spouse has all the details of our relationship and he/she will also be told of any attempts at contact.

 

Sincerely,

 

Disloyal Spouse

 

------------------------

 

- IC for him (and you if you think you need it)

- MC*

- Timeline of the affair with ALL the details about all infidelity in the marriage.*

- Polgraph to confirm the timeline*

- All your questions answered for as long as you need and he can't get irritated about this because he brought it on.

- A Post-nuptial agreement with infidelity clause. If he's resistant, then you'll know where you stand.

Complete transparency ALWAYS. Access to his gadgets.

- Patience, love, reassurance, empathy and gratitude to you.

- Never telling you to "its been long enough and to get over it" or "that its time to move on"

 

He isn't the one that got betrayed, so he has no right to say that to you.

You may also consider exposing the affair to family members for support. Another reason would be for him to face consequences for his infidelity.

 

Think about whether exposure to some people would harm your reconciliation though.

 

I've heard of cases where the betrayed spouse's family, are against a reconciliation and cannot forgive the WS. It has resulted in grandparents never see their child or grandchildren again because of this. It totally destroys not just the marriage, but the entire family.

 

I think it's good to tell his parents and family. It makes him accountable and his family should know what their son has done to you.

 

The BS parents have gone as far as writing them out of their will when they reconcile, especially when it was a really bad betrayal, multiple affairs or an OC (other child/affair child)

 

 

If he is not willing to do the heavy lifting required, then he ISN'T REMORSEFUL . He has to try and gain your trust back, although it will never be the same because he introduced a third party into your marriage and caused the damage .

 

Reconciliation is HARD WORK for both of you.

OMG!!!! Thank you soooooo much for this advice. I love it. I am calling a lawyer tomorrow about a Post-nuptial agreement. Thank you Thank you... As far as the in-laws they knew about it the whole time and never said a word to me So I know where they stay with infidelity.

[badpenny]

I have only told a couple of my closest friends because I am ashamed of what he did. I'm embarrassed for him. At times I'm so wishy washy. ... one minute I want a divorce. The next minute I want to stay married and work things out..... what to do what to do. I'm so confused. I just want this pain to go away. I didn't deserve this. I was just trying to make a better life for him and I. He will be retiring soon and he never saved a penny for his retirement. So I was working hard to ensure we had, And he goes and does something as stupid as CHEATING.

I know time heals all wounds. I just don't know if I want to heal with him or without him. Thank you

 

There's a huge amount of additional resentment there, too, (underlined) and I think there's a whole lot more to work on rather than just that he put his pecker where his pecker shouldn't have been...

 

(bold) And Time does nothing.

All time does, is pass.

Healing is up to you - and of course, his input, commitment and dedication to salvaging, repairing and making up for his actions.

 

In your shoes? Trust me, I wouldn't think twice. 'Without', for me, would be far preferable to 'with'.

 

Particularly in light of...(Bold, below)

 

OMG!!!! Thank you soooooo much for this advice. I love it. I am calling a lawyer tomorrow about a Post-nuptial agreement. Thank you Thank you... As far as the in-laws they knew about it the whole time and never said a word to me So I know where they stay with infidelity.

 

If they didn't tell you, they sanctioned it, which shows an huge amount of total and utter disrespect for you.

Their Daughter-in-Law. I don't recall you telling us how long you have been married, but you speak of his imminent retirement, so I would think it's been a while.

And they said nothing?

They lose any possible respect you might ever have held for them.

Edited March 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
made requested changes~T

[sandylee1]

OMG!!!! Thank you soooooo much for this advice. I love it. I am calling a lawyer tomorrow about a Post-nuptial agreement. Thank you Thank you... As far as the in-laws they knew about it the whole time and never said a word to me So I know where they stay with infidelity.

 

Your very welcome.

 

At least you know where you stand with the in laws. Did he introduce the OW to them? Did she go to their home? Did they ever tell him his behaviour was wrong?

 

Is he from a culture where male infidelity is seen as no big deal ?

I think you should also see a lawyer to get an idea of how things would look for you in the event of a divorce

 

Because honestly if the answer to ALL the above is yes, they would no longer be welcome in my home and I would never go to their home. If they supported his infidelity, then they really don't care about you. If they visit, I'd make sure I was out.

 

Does he have siblings/friends that knew about it ? Did they encourage the affair? Did they try and get him to stop?

 

Ask him all this and tell him if he is lying and you find out, your done.

 

You need to know who else supported his behaviour and anyone who did is not a friend of the marriage. Many BSs have insisted as a condition of R, that the WS severs contact with any friends who supported/encouraged the affair.

[sandylee1]

The fact is, most (not all) OW/OM don't care about the BS. In fact, I mentioned this in another thread, most OW/OM that come here don't even mention that they feel bad about what they did to the BS.

 

I agree with this. There is barely a mention of feeling bad, it's all about them and their feelings. That's why when OWs end up with the WH and he cheats on them, I honestly think they got what was coming.

[turnera]

Have him write the No Contact letter. It's very important. It's a psychological release, it's a shameful step that is necessary for him to SEE and FEEL that what he did was wrong. He gives it to you, and YOU approve it (should be like the example) and YOU send it to her. That gives you some strength over the situation.

 

Has he taken all passwords off his electronics? Does he hand them over to you when you ask? And yes, DO ask off and on. He NEEDS that, to know that he isn't getting away with no consequences.

 

And please understand that telling other people is done so that they will help him and you, help him be accountable, keep an eye on him. It's embarrassing for him? GOOD! That's the point. If you don't have consequences, you'll do it again.

[No Limit]

Sorry but, why are you still with him? He's penniless and you work your butt off while he's having fun with other women. You think he went NC? Ha, he just learned how to hide it better! Even his parents didn't mind him cheating, they're probably just happy that they won't have to pay for his every needs anymore.

 

So far everything you wrote sounds like you're being used. You deserve much, much better. And no, being an only child doesn't make you selfish. In fact I've seen much more havoc among people with siblings, fighting for the attention of their parents to the point of physically harming each other when the parents are not around/hierarchy behavior.

 

Get divorced as soon as you can and stop wasting your time with this sorry excuse of a man.

[I4givehim]

Your very welcome.

 

At least you know where you stand with the in laws. Did he introduce the OW to them? Did she go to their home? Did they ever tell him his behaviour was wrong?

 

Is he from a culture where male infidelity is seen as no big deal ?

I think you should also see a lawyer to get an idea of how things would look for you in the event of a divorce

 

Because honestly if the answer to ALL the above is yes, they would no longer be welcome in my home and I would never go to their home. If they supported his infidelity, then they really don't care about you. If they visit, I'd make sure I was out.

 

Does he have siblings/friends that knew about it ? Did they encourage the affair? Did they try and get him to stop?

 

Ask him all this and tell him if he is lying and you find out, your done.

 

You need to know who else supported his behaviour and anyone who did is not a friend of the marriage. Many BSs have insisted as a condition of R, that the WS severs contact with any friends who supported/encouraged the affair.

No they never met the OW. They said they didn't want to be involved. They also said "had they found out that I cheated on them they wouldn't have said anything to THEIR SON. I find that to be bull.

Two of my H friends knew about the A and didn't inform me or tell him to stop. I told my H they are not welcome in our house. No one had my best interest. No one warned me. I am very blessed I didn't get an STD. I didn't have a clue. My H is an only child.

I sit and think how they must have been laughing at me the whole year. UGH!!! I use to be very close to my in-laws. I use to speak to them every day. Now I wont say a word to them. My mother in-law called my H and asked if I was still mad at her.... Duh, YA THINK!!! Stupid question......

[I4givehim]

Sorry but, why are you still with him? He's penniless and you work your butt off while he's having fun with other women. You think he went NC? Ha, he just learned how to hide it better! Even his parents didn't mind him cheating, they're probably just happy that they won't have to pay for his every needs anymore.

 

So far everything you wrote sounds like you're being used. You deserve much, much better. And no, being an only child doesn't make you selfish. In fact I've seen much more havoc among people with siblings, fighting for the attention of their parents to the point of physically harming each other when the parents are not around/hierarchy behavior.

 

Get divorced as soon as you can and stop wasting your time with this sorry excuse of a man.

Thank you. I like the way you are straight to the point. If I had money for a lawyer I would have started with the divorce. I am trying to go through a mediator but my H wont even speak of a Divorce until I go to counseling with him.

I think you are correct about him using me. I feel he is delaying this divorce so he can get more money in alimony (I just receive a promotion at my job) Thank you for opening my eyes.