Getting divorced, & old love keeps coming back into my life!

[Lizzy36]

I really need advice...

 

H left 6 weeks ago and we're getting a D. At first, I was devastated but have come to realize the denial I was living in and, while still painful, it's definitely mutual.

 

But now, I'm facing a dilemma. I've reconnected with an old love, and he's coming to town next week (he just happens to be here on a work trip), and he changed his flight to see me for an extra day.

 

He's been chasing me 16 years, since we were both 12. Things never worked out because of timing, being young, living in different states and being in other relationships. And I've also been wary of his true intentions, which is why I'm here for advice.

 

Some background.

 

Like I said, we met at school when we were 12. At the time, I was "in love" with his friend, so he gave up on me and started dating my BF. He said he partly did it to get closer to me.

 

He pursued me from the get-go, talking me online on a regular basis, saying I was the one he really wanted, professing his love to me, showering me with compliments.

 

This continued after my family and I moved to another state 3 years later. Always texting, calling and talking for hours every now and then, etc. He and my BF broke up after high school and a year after our freshman year in college, we were both back in our hometown for the summer.

 

We were both single (for once) and I ended up losing my virginity to him. It was INCREDIBLE and we felt crazy in love.

 

But, back to college we went. I got a new BF, he eventually got a new GF who ended up following him back to our hometown after graduation.

 

He kept in touch with me throughout that time, though. And pretty regularly.

 

When I broke up with my BF after 5 years, I really considered moving back to our hometown. But he was still with his GF and we were both too young to make that kind of commitment.

 

And then, I met my my stbxH and we were engaged in 5 months. I told him, and then cut off all contact, thinking it just wasn't meant to be and I respected my H and marriage.

 

Throughout my 2.5 year-M though, he'd send me a text once or twice a year saying he was in town and wanted to know if I'd be around (his family comes here annually). I NEVER responded. I thought "what does he expect?!" and was angry he'd disrespect my M. But....at the same time, I was glad to know he hadn't forgotten about me, and I frankly thought about him every now and then wondering how he is, what he's doing, hoping he's happy.

 

Hadn't heard from him in over a year, and then he texts me out of the blue 3 weeks before my stbxH left, saying he was going to be in town. I didn't respond though.

 

About 6 weeks later, after realizing how unhappy I've been in my M and accepting D, I remembered he had sent me that text....maybe out of desperation, or wondering what I might be missing out on, I reached out for the first time in 3 years. He responded within seconds.

 

We've been texting, calling constantly since. He's the only guy who's ever made me feel like I'm a queen and should be cherished. He says he loves me, is in love with me, always has been, and was devastated and depressed when I got engaged and married, felt like he made the biggest mistake of his life.

 

Life has been too complicated, though, for us to just drop everything and be with each other. He's got a gf who lives with him, and I'm far from being ready for another relationship any time soon.

 

We're incredibly excited to see each other this week and, BEFORE we reconnected, I made the decision to move to another city after the D is final and start a new life (I'm under 30, no kids, so is easy move). That city happens to be 2 hours from my hometown, and he visits there monthly for work, and we've talked about how awesome it'd be to see each other there...

 

Anyway, am I being a naive idiot?! Is this guy really serious about me or am I just his secret toy for feeling good when he needs an ego boost? I have self-confidence issues, no doubt, but this has been going on for 16 years, even during my marriage!! Something always nags at me that this really could be for real, then I doubt, then I have hope, etc etc...

 

Thoughts?????

[dichotomy]

I really need advice...

 

H left 6 weeks ago and we're getting a D. At first, I was devastated but have come to realize the denial I was living in and, while still painful, it's definitely mutual.

 

But now, I'm facing a dilemma. I've reconnected with an old love, and he's coming to town next week (he just happens to be here on a work trip), and he changed his flight to see me for an extra day.

 

He's been chasing me 16 years, since we were both 12. Things never worked out because of timing, being young, living in different states and being in other relationships. And I've also been wary of his true intentions, which is why I'm here for advice.

 

Some background.

 

Like I said, we met at school when we were 12. At the time, I was "in love" with his friend, so he gave up on me and started dating my BF. He said he partly did it to get closer to me.

 

He pursued me from the get-go, talking me online on a regular basis, saying I was the one he really wanted, professing his love to me, showering me with compliments.

 

This continued after my family and I moved to another state 3 years later. Always texting, calling and talking for hours every now and then, etc. He and my BF broke up after high school and a year after our freshman year in college, we were both back in our hometown for the summer.

 

We were both single (for once) and I ended up losing my virginity to him. It was INCREDIBLE and we felt crazy in love.

 

But, back to college we went. I got a new BF, he eventually got a new GF who ended up following him back to our hometown after graduation.

 

He kept in touch with me throughout that time, though. And pretty regularly.

 

When I broke up with my BF after 5 years, I really considered moving back to our hometown. But he was still with his GF and we were both too young to make that kind of commitment.

 

And then, I met my my stbxH and we were engaged in 5 months. I told him, and then cut off all contact, thinking it just wasn't meant to be and I respected my H and marriage.

 

Throughout my 2.5 year-M though, he'd send me a text once or twice a year saying he was in town and wanted to know if I'd be around (his family comes here annually). I NEVER responded. I thought "what does he expect?!" and was angry he'd disrespect my M. But....at the same time, I was glad to know he hadn't forgotten about me, and I frankly thought about him every now and then wondering how he is, what he's doing, hoping he's happy.

 

Hadn't heard from him in over a year, and then he texts me out of the blue 3 weeks before my stbxH left, saying he was going to be in town. I didn't respond though.

 

About 6 weeks later, after realizing how unhappy I've been in my M and accepting D, I remembered he had sent me that text....maybe out of desperation, or wondering what I might be missing out on, I reached out for the first time in 3 years. He responded within seconds.

 

We've been texting, calling constantly since. He's the only guy who's ever made me feel like I'm a queen and should be cherished. He says he loves me, is in love with me, always has been, and was devastated and depressed when I got engaged and married, felt like he made the biggest mistake of his life.

 

Life has been too complicated, though, for us to just drop everything and be with each other. He's got a gf who lives with him, and I'm far from being ready for another relationship any time soon.

 

We're incredibly excited to see each other this week and, BEFORE we reconnected, I made the decision to move to another city after the D is final and start a new life (I'm under 30, no kids, so is easy move). That city happens to be 2 hours from my hometown, and he visits there monthly for work, and we've talked about how awesome it'd be to see each other there...

 

Anyway, am I being a naive idiot?! Is this guy really serious about me or am I just his secret toy for feeling good when he needs an ego boost? I have self-confidence issues, no doubt, but this has been going on for 16 years, even during my marriage!! Something always nags at me that this really could be for real, then I doubt, then I have hope, etc etc...

 

Thoughts?????

 

 

hmnmm kind of soon, but okay sounds good, no problems, you had amazing sex before, long history, he loves you, ok.... what the? He is living with his GF?

[No Limit]

Tell him to call it quits with his GF, she deserves that much. After that, feel free to check it out. At least your curiousity will be sated because honestly that guy that's been 'liking me' since I was 13 is just creeping me out today/6 years later. I can't imagine being with someone who has such poor boundaries that he'd cheat on his GF with me, I already rejected that type at the end of last year.

 

 

It still sounds fishy to me because obsession =/= love. Sounds like you two just kept feeding the fantasy for each other, with him being the active force behind it (you not giving him sex anymore, him sending messages regularly so as soon as your self-esteem is crushed he can be there).

[MBlair71]

Go for it. You'll always wonder if you don't.

[Steen719]

Seriously and not to be mean, but those of you who are willing to be with someone who cheats on their significant other must be under the impression that you are special enough that they will not do it with you. The kind of betrayal, done willingly and despite the fact that another person believes in their honesty is done by someone who can deceive someone that loves them and somehow make that alright in their mind. You honestly believe that they won't do that to you? Because you are special? Because you don't deserve it? Please! The world is full of people who hang in there, live every day through the ups and downs of a relationship, sometimes through tragedies, all kinds of problems and never cheat on their significant other.

 

I am not saying this to flame the cheaters that are on this website. It is my opinion and I am entitled to it. I think you need to think about how faithful and honest this guy is when he is so willing to just lie and cheat on this gf. If that's what you want, then you will make that decision and hope for the best.

 

I'm with No Limit; see if he can give up the gf before you go for it. Be an honest person, be someone you can be proud of. Imagine yourself as his gf and how you would feel. When he breaks up with the gf, then go for it.

[Lion Heart]

Hi Lizzy,

 

I'd honour his relationship with his GF even if he's not (red flag). If he's ratting on his GF to you then I'd consider that another red flag.

 

If he was single and pursuing you that's a completely different story.

 

I'd honour myself by NOT being an OW now or ever in my life. Put THAT to cheating person.

 

You don't need to give him an ultimatum.

 

If he was really "into you" and honorable (which I'm not convinced about) then he'd come clean with GF, end it, go NC with her THEN begin a face to face relationship with you.

 

I wish you well. I'm glad you got out of a bad marriage before children.

 

Good luck.

 

Lion Heart.

[harrybrown]

If he will cheat on his SO, he will cheat on you.

 

Get over your current situation. Wait until he is honest with his GF.

 

Then call her to make sure he is not lying to you and to her.

[LifesontheUp]

At such an emotional time why would you complicate your life further?

 

I don't know but it sounds to me that reaching out for something long gone and that never worked out anyway.

[road]

Tell him that you do not want to date until the divorce is final. That if wants to wait till then he needs to dump his current GF and use the time to get over her as you are using the time till the divorce is final to get over your H.

 

 

For then you will both be ready to start a new relationship.

[sandylee1]

All sounds great except for the fact he has a GF. It seems he really never got over you. I'd let him know you WILL NOT get involved in any way, shape or form while he's with the GF and he shouldn't contact you again unless he is free (without a gf) to do so.

 

You don't need that drama.

[Mal78]

Tell him that you do not want to date until the divorce is final. That if wants to wait till then he needs to dump his current GF and use the time to get over her as you are using the time till the divorce is final to get over your H.

 

 

For then you will both be ready to start a new relationship.

 

I agree with road. If he has been pining for 16 years over you he can wait another 6-12 months to get his affairs in order including breaking up with his gf.

[PrettyEmily77]

That old love keeps coming back to your life because you let him!!

 

 

Not wanting to rain on your parade or anything, but I'd be really very cautious about getting involved with ANYONE so soon after a breakup, especially with someone I have history with AND isn't even single.

 

 

He says he loves you, is in love with you and has made the biggest mistake of his life yet he still lives with his GF, which he hasn't dumped the second he knew you were single which, TBH, would be the first thing I'd have done if I knew I'd finally had a chance to be with the love of my life, complications or not.

 

 

If I were you I'd stay well away, start a new life somewhere else as was your original plan and let him come to you when he's single, if he ever decides to take the risk.

[Lunay]

If you want anything good to come of this, he needs to get rid of his girlfriend who I am pretty sure wouldn't appreciate him telling you he loves you still etc.

 

While he is dealing with his issues, you deal with yours. When you're both ready, maybe it could be something real

 

Good luck!