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Burying Brother's Ashes at Scene of Crime: Will BS Be Triggered into Pieces?


merrmeade

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I'm thinking maybe this is a good thing to do. Bring my troubles to LS before they're troubles. It's too late, but maybe just some well wishes. Not much to be done on this one:

 

So after months of Never, ever, ever, never, I suddenly felt one day after a particularly good IC session that, indeed, I COULD handle going to the family 'cabin' and bury my brother's ashes with my brother, sister-in-law (OW in EA/PA with my WH 2 years ago) and our progeny.

 

I mean, how could I not go? It's our family's cabin (even though it's now legally in the OW's name) and has many, many important memories (besides the A triggers). How could I not go for my brother? I grieve his death and need this closure. How could I not go for my parents?

 

So my H is NOT going. We give the excuse of work. He's self-employed, so it's credible - not that my kids or his won't know why - but he's not going. My daughter is not going (grad school). Just my other two kids and their families, my other brother and his wife, OW (SIL) and her kids (my nephews). My kids' families and I will not be staying at the cabin per se overnight but nearby.

 

So that's the logistics.

 

Issues are these:

The cabin and mostly my SIL (OW) are huge, gigantic triggers for me. She and WH had their EA/PA there. I thought I was okay, but today, just standing in the store, I realized I so was not okay. It was a big decision. For the longest time I wasn't going, even wrote an email which I sent to my family for approval, in which I told her I wasn't coming and why. I didn't send it but sat on it for a few weeks. By then, I'd decided not to send it because I was going there anyway.

 

H, as you may know, does what he can (emotionally), which isn't much. He does fairly well understanding how hard this is for me, even offered to compose the message for me that I need to send, saying we're coming since I labor over minutiae. I need to let her know, since nobody else did, know that we're coming and briefly discuss food.

-1-

The triggers:

The sister-in-law doesn't 'get it,' thinks I should forgive and be her bf.

,- blamed me for leaving them alone together

- was competitive with me publicly and I didn't know it (before D-Day)

- embarrassed me in public by her inappropriate 'friendship' with my H

- lied to me and later blamed me for the necessity

- still acts as if the EA was fine to everyone she knows

- the cabin itself (they were bunnies)

- the families b/c they're all clueless that I'm even over here triggering (nor do I want for them to be dictated to) - We're just now figuring it out

That's just a few.

 

My other brother & wife will be there, and they

Do. Not. Know.

This is not the time to tell them and he has no sensitivity anyway.

The nephews don't get it; they only know whatever she would've explained to them. They just don't understand, even though they 'know'.

My kids will protect me BUt I'll have to tell them. Since my daughter won't be there, I don't think anyone else will know by my face.

The rest of my kids families will not want to be embarrassed.

 

At the last IC, we decided I would call SiL and say 3 things — 1) Don't talk about WH this weekend. (2) Don't hug me (she's a non-stop toucher, hugger); and 3), I'm taking some of my parents' paraphernalia from there. thinking I'd do a letter after all. Now, I haven't done either one.

 

So I'm worried about triggering. I'm worried about being downright humiliated by an OW who doesn't understand that her EA with my husband was just as wrong as the PA and so feels free to discuss him casually in front of me.

 

I need help knowing what to anticipate.

 

Burying Brother's Ashes at Scene of Crime: Will BS Be Triggered into Pieces?

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Wasn't totally clear:

 

I still need to get in touch with SIL and tell her we're coming. Probably by phone. I would never finish the email. I have to talk to her if I call.

 

Then, I have to spend 24 hrs with OW ignoring the proverbial elephant.

 

And, oh, left out one thing in the list of things she 'did.' She got naked with my husband. She gave him massages, blow jobs and everything else they thought wasn't intercourse. She lied to me. She loved my husband. She fell in love with him. She blamed me in absurd ways to my face, saying they couldn't tell me how close they were, how much they talked and wrote because I wouldn't have been comfortable with it (and that she explained by saying that I just don't understand true friendship and that it's okay between men and women - I KID YOU NOT). So she had intimate relations with her husband's sister's husband and then agreed with him (each time) that it was "stupid" and they would go back to their 90% friendship which was good and pure (except for the accidental sex).

 

So she did all that. He did all that. For a year hot and heavy; three years EA. (and, yeah, I know everyone will question whether they had sex or not but, please, that is NOT the issue this time, this week.) I have a funeral to attend and need help if there's any to be had. Thank you.

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Seriously?

 

I wouldn't go.

Either near the place, or her.

 

In your shoes, I would write a long, loving letter to my deceased brother, and then ceremoniously (and I mean that with every good and serious intention you would do that in) burn it and scatter the ashes, at the same time they're scattering his. Or the same day, that's fine.

 

I'm not being callous, but your brother is dead, and his body is consumed. he lives better in your heart and mind, than in any other form.

 

Conduct your own ceremony, but don't force yourself to conform to other peoples' lies, and ideals, if it does not sit well with you.

Why should you adapt to niceties when you are the one who was hurt and betrayed?

 

Do not compromise your principles and do what comes unnaturally.

You shouldn't be expected to do that.

 

Do your own thing, as above, and honestly?

 

Stuff what others think or say.

You have your reasons.

 

be true to yourself.

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Wasn't totally clear:

 

I still need to get in touch with SIL and tell her we're coming. Probably by phone. I would never finish the email. I have to talk to her if I call.

 

Then, I have to spend 24 hrs with OW ignoring the proverbial elephant.

 

And, oh, left out one thing in the list of things she 'did.' She got naked with my husband. She gave him massages, blow jobs and everything else they thought wasn't intercourse. She lied to me. She loved my husband. She fell in love with him. She blamed me in absurd ways to my face, saying they couldn't tell me how close they were, how much they talked and wrote because I wouldn't have been comfortable with it (and that she explained by saying that I just don't understand true friendship and that it's okay between men and women - I KID YOU NOT). So she had intimate relations with her husband's sister's husband and then agreed with him (each time) that it was "stupid" and they would go back to their 90% friendship which was good and pure (except for the accidental sex).

 

So she did all that. He did all that. For a year hot and heavy; three years EA. (and, yeah, I know everyone will question whether they had sex or not but, please, that is NOT the issue this time, this week.) I have a funeral to attend and need help if there's any to be had. Thank you.

 

Merrmeade, I have been thinking of you and this impending time & event.

I wish I could PM you but don't know how!

 

Lion Heart.

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Is the event this weekend?

 

How long do you have to prepare?

 

If I were you, and made the decision to attend I'd do as many of the following things as possible.

* have photos of my brother in my hand at all times.

* have images of peace to look at when you feel challenged (my choices would be a dove, a forest, a river etc )

* make a list of positive reasons why you're attending / almost affirmations. Eg "____ was my brother. I am here to grieve him. Etc"

"I am here because I couldn't NOT be here."

"I CHOOSE to be here because I WANT to be here."

* Have a mini and maxi escape plan! Toilet, a walk, a cafe, a room, a library. Anywhere you can think of, list them. Ask your mother to accompany you to a cafe or somewhere if appropriate.

* Take a book to write in.

* If so inclined, take a Holy book or any other writings that give you strength.

 

Is there any way you can reduce the total hours you spend in OWs company?

 

ONE thing I try to focus on when there's a difficult period of time coming up is the FOLLOWING WEEK. KNOW YOU will be back at home or in your favourite chair or walking your familiar walking path VERY VERY soon. My friend has given me the mantra "This too shall pass" it will. It does.

At times, repeating mantras such as these can get you through.

 

Remember NO ONE is entitled to invade your personal space without your permission. Make the call to OW. Request she respect your rights to your personal space. You don't want her to approach you? Say "I am attending for my brother and my parents and myself. Do not approach me in any way. Allow me to grieve without disturbing me. Respect me and my personal space. I need closure. Allow me that by not giving me any attention. I will do the same."

 

I am thinking of you.

 

Lion Heart.

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Can you go and turn right around and return home immediately after it's over?

 

I'd even consider not going... It doesn't change the outcome. And maybe when everyone asks why you didn't go you could get honest with them about what betrayal happened there.

 

If I had to go there I'd likely be physically sick while in that space imagining what happened there - so I'd never go.

 

 

 

Your brother will understand. It sends a clearer message - one that indicates you're not ok with her.

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Mrs. John Adams

Only you can know what is right for you...and i would not let what anyone else "thinks" is right influence me.

 

Bless your heart...I did not know your story so this was enlightening for me.

 

I can tell you how I would react...I would kill the B###h if i was in the same room with her. BFF's???? not a shot in H##l.....

 

I would not even want to be in the same STATE with her let a lone a cabin.

 

It is your brothers ashes....he would understand why you can't go and support you in that decision.

 

If this causes you too much pain...don't go. It is not worth it.

 

MY thoughts and prayers go with you......

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it sounds like you want to honor your brother's memory, so ask yourself if he, knowing what went on, would have wanted you to put yourself through all this pain for him?

 

If the answer is "no" then use that as a guide for what you will do. IS there some other place that meant a lot to your family where he would have felt good about his ashed being placed?

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For what it is worth, I echo the previous poster's sentiments. Your brother would not want you torn up.

 

Honor his memory at home with your family.

 

Thoughts and prayers for you.

 

Maz

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I disagree with people who are simply saying stay home. This is about you, not your brother and so I would ask yourself which you would regret more ten, twenty years from now. Going or staying. And then make your descision based on that. Of you stay then do what you need to in his memory at home and if you go then take the advice for an escape plan. Or keep yourself close to your other family and remind yourself you have nothing tonbe ashamed of and you are not going tomlet that <insert colourful name> Keep you away from your final goodbye.

 

If you do go and see the scene of the crime it may give you fresh clarity regarding your marriage. If you don't go you may realize that the far reaching drama was too great. You should not even have to be thinking about this.

 

I'm sorry.

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These are all touching, heartfelt replies and made me cry.

 

I'm thinking.

 

I have IC this morning - soon.

 

If I call OW, it should be soon.

 

It's not too late to cancel the reservations (at the inn near the cabin).

 

I need my husband. He'll be back soon.

 

I'm thinking.

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I want nothing more than to tell you not to go and to hell with anyone that doesn't get it. But that doesn't sound like an option you're considering.

 

My next thought is to make sure you have a set of brass knuckles in your purse. That might not be the best advice to follow.

 

At the end of the day though, I get it. And I would very likely attend, to pay my respects to my brother.

 

I think you do as you discussed with your IC. Communicate your three points (briefly) and leave it at that.

 

If she fails to respect that, I would unleash hellfire and damnation upon her right there at the funeral in front of the whole fam damily. Frankly, I think your brother would appreciate either scenario.

 

Whatever you do, walk with your head held high. Nobody's got anything on you, mermeade.

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autumnnight

My heart just breaks for what you have been through, are still going through. I'm glad you are going to discuss it with your IC. You loved your brother and he loved you. In the end, I would say do whatever brings you the most peace. And as far as sil goes, she's invisible.

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You are still haunted by this affair and it will always cause you problems. Because you refuse to do what is needed post D day.

 

 

There needs to be NC with the OW/SIL and her children.

 

 

You need to be honest with your family. This can only be done by exposing the affair. Once your parents, siblings, children, OW's parents, siblings, children.

 

 

So expose the affair and simultaneously announce the need of NC. Then do not go.

 

 

No more making excuses. No more covering up and protecting the OW/SIL. You will be free at last.

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You are still haunted by this affair and it will always cause you problems. Because you refuse to do what is needed post D day.

 

There needs to be NC with the OW/SIL and her children.

 

You need to be honest with your family. This can only be done by exposing the affair. Once your parents, siblings, children, OW's parents, siblings, children.

 

So expose the affair and simultaneously announce the need of NC. Then do not go.

 

No more making excuses. No more covering up and protecting the OW/SIL. You will be free at last.

Okay, road. I'm thinking and will discuss this in IC. Thank you.
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sending you many virtual hugs and positive vibes.

you got some really great advices... so i'm not going to say much.

 

if i were you - i wouldn't go.

one day at a time, take it easy... and take care of yourself.

i'm sure your brother would understand and would want you to be happy.

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Seriously?

 

I wouldn't go.

Either near the place, or her.

 

In your shoes, I would write a long, loving letter to my deceased brother, and then ceremoniously (and I mean that with every good and serious intention you would do that in) burn it and scatter the ashes, at the same time they're scattering his. Or the same day, that's fine.

 

I'm not being callous, but your brother is dead, and his body is consumed. he lives better in your heart and mind, than in any other form.

 

Conduct your own ceremony, but don't force yourself to conform to other peoples' lies, and ideals, if it does not sit well with you.

Why should you adapt to niceties when you are the one who was hurt and betrayed?

 

Do not compromise your principles and do what comes unnaturally.

You shouldn't be expected to do that.

 

Do your own thing, as above, and honestly?

 

Stuff what others think or say.

You have your reasons.

 

be true to yourself.

This was exactly my plan for about two months since she emailed in Jan., informing my brother and me of the plan. I thought those things exactly. My H supported me.

 

But then I started getting better at IC. First, what to say to her in the email suddenly came to me and I dictated it to my therapist. I sent it to my kids first to let them know what I was doing:

Thank you for including us in the plans for March, but I feel that I told [brother] good-bye and felt closure with the video tribute. He is not in the ashes for me.

 

I will not able to see you or go to the cabin for any length of time in the foreseeable future. My focus at present is on healing, mending my marriage and supporting my family. I wish you well.

(Didn't really "wish her well" but knew it'd go down better) One of the kids thought I should just give an excuse and not to go instead. They hate drama.

 

So I did nothing and then a few weeks ago walked out of IC feeling so happy. I thought of my brother, how much I loved him, my parents and OUR cabin and wanted to do that for him, just as we had done for our parents. I also want to see my other brother, the only remaining member of our nuclear family (even if he does have asberger's and won't be able to give back). So I called one of the kids. He approved the idea, but I sat on it a few more days. Didn't even mention it to my H. Then, I called my other brother. Yes, they were coming in an RV. So, I made reservations in an inn near the cabin for one night for a big enough unit for my kids and their families. (It also gives me an excuse not to stay at the cabin and a place to escape to.)

 

My daughter, who is not coming because of school obligations, was shocked that I changed my mind and worried about me, too. She thought I should call my living brother, "say this thing happened" (the A) and, because of it, I don't think I can do it. I actually liked the idea - a lot - and considered it. I'm still considering it...

 

But I really do want to see him and without answering his questions about the A - for now (because he really does have aspergers and will ask hard, straight questions without filter or feeling). And I really do want to do the other. I just SO do not want to hear her cooey voice and all the rest ... I feel vulnerable and scared.

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Your SIL is seriously manipulative and lacks empathy. She is playing a grieving widow, making a mockery of your brother's memory. She knows that the ceremony and spreading your brother's ashes in a place that holds memories for you will cut into your heart. This ceremony is not for your brother, it is for her to paint herself as a "loving" wife.

 

I'd not go, I'd go at another time and with my loved ones near me and say my own prayers and goodbye to my brother and wish him peace.

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Your SIL is seriously manipulative and lacks empathy. She is playing a grieving widow, making a mockery of your brother's memory. She knows that the ceremony and spreading your brother's ashes in a place that holds memories for you will cut into your heart. This ceremony is not for your brother, it is for her to paint herself as a "loving" wife.
Quite accurate. She actually seemed to hate him at times (when not with him) and blamed him for the stroke that made him a quadriplegic by not taking care of his diabetes.
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Upshot of IC: Triggering out of control, I kept coming back to this and that about OW and finally realized: Can't do it. Don't have to do it. The rest of the time was what to say to whom.

 

I LOVE badpenney's idea:

... a long, loving letter to my deceased brother, and then ceremoniously (and I mean that with every good and serious intention you would do that in) burn it and scatter the ashes, at the same time they're scattering his.
and that's what I've decided to do if my sons decide they still want to go. It would be great if they do, but it's up to them. My husband unfortunately but conveniently just got diagnosed with diverticulitis, is in a lot of pain and a good excuse for whoever is more comfortable with excuses (e.g., my kids).

 

Therapist helped me with what I do and do not need to say to each family member. I'll practice here:

  • Kids: Already told them (had to know if they would still go to cancel reservation in time if not). Told them I'd thought I could do it but realized this week I couldn't and gave H's diagnosis as a new factor (to say to others if they need a 'normal' excuse).
  • OW/SIL/Baneofmyexistence: "I want you to know I'd planned to come but realized this week that it's not a good idea and I won't be coming. Keeping the room for [kids' names] to come with their families." Finished.
  • Brother: [At first, I wrote a script, telling him about the A, but right at the end of IC decided to use the diverticulitis as the reason SO THAT this weekend is about our dead brother (and NOT his wife's A with my H).] "I don't think I can come b/c of H's diverticulitis. I really want to see you as my only remaining family member and hope you'll find a way to come this way for any amount of time."
  • Brother's wife: [same speech but also mention some of the things in the cabin that might be discussed (grabbed) this weekend.]

 

One son, when I told him, said, "That's weird," at first, so I sent him this text: "Even without the diverticulitis issue, my reasons are very real and not ‘weird.’ Think of your anxiety, the triggers for it. I have very real reactions to certain things. These are very bad for me. The thought of going was creating so much anxiety and disturbance that I realized the negative consequences of going exceeded the positive. I have weighed these carefully. I feel good and justified in this decision and tremendously relieved. I hope that I have your trust, support and respect and, if not, am sorry you don't understand. But this is the right decision. I definitely have [H's] support and understanding and am happy I'll be with him. I'll go on my own later to the cabin."

 

Trying not to feel responsible for how others react.

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Good.

 

But I'd also be done with all of the pussy-footing around with relatives. If people are uncomfortable, well then they can take a number. You've carried this solo for too long.

 

I'd have a line prepared for people that don't get it. Something like, "That stupid bitch betrayed my brother in that cabin and it's a travesty that this ceremony is being held there. I've got no interest in attending. I'll honor my brother in my own way."

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Merrmeade

 

You own your own piece of mind and i applaud you for not attending the farce of a ceremony for your dear brother.

 

In your heart you will grieve and honor your brother's memory in your own way.

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I'm a bit exhausted so I might have a reading fail here, but your extended family doesn't know about the affair? You may be trying to avoid drama at your brother's memorial, but your family is likely to be very hurt when they realize after the fact that they participated in your sister in law's last slap in the face to their brother/son/nephew/etc. Their memory of that memorial and any closure it might have given them will be tainted. They may even feel guilty for having participated. Martyring yourself to keep this memorial "clean" (for lack of a better word) for them may backfire in a very big way. Just a thought.

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.....your extended family doesn't know about the affair? You may be trying to avoid drama at your brother's memorial, but your family is likely to be very hurt when they realize after the fact that they participated in your sister in law's last slap in the face to their brother/son/nephew/etc.

 

Tough. That will be their problem to deal with, not hers. They are removed from the situation in that they were not protagonists in the affair. She was. This triggers too much for her, and however much they may be affected pales by comparison.

 

Their memory of that memorial and any closure it might have given them will be tainted.
Again, that's not her problem to have to deal with. She's having enough challenges dealing with the after-socks and effect on her, without having to take every single other person's views into consideration.

It may not taint the memory, but hopefully it will taint their opinion of the woman, and alter their PoVs....

 

They may even feel guilty for having participated.

Hopefully, that guilt will be anger, and it will be reserved for she who deserves it most.

 

Martyring yourself to keep this memorial "clean" (for lack of a better word) for them may backfire in a very big way. Just a thought.

So you believe it would be much better to save everyone's faces, and sacrifice her own peace of mind, well-being and mental state by ignoring her own wishes and impulses, just to accommodate them?

 

Mmmm....Nah. I don't think so.

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