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In EA with long-lost first love


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We met in college in 1981, I was 22 and she was 19. Head over heels in love within weeks, I knewI had found the love of my life as had she. I never even suspected it was possible to be that happy. Unfortunately,both of us were kind of immature and directionless, also I had some problems with drinking and drugs. We were together 2 ½ years, much of that long distance and her family opposed the relationship and sabotaged it at every turn. But our feelings never diminished. I blamed myself when it ended, but never forgot her. About eight months after the breakup, she called me out of the blue and we were an hour into the conversation, with hopes building up for a reconciliation in my mind, when she dropped the bomb that she was engaged. The bottom fell out of my world and the next year was spent in a self-destructive haze that ended in rehab

 

I never heard from her again after that phone call and always assumed she had forgotten me long ago and was living a contented life. I got married in 1990 and have two teenage daughters and have generally been happy, but never really had the blinding, over the top passion and emotion I did with my FL. I thought of her over the years and wondered,sometimes often, other times once in a while. I didn’t know her married name soresearching her was problematic….I would occasionally try other ways, but never came up with anything. Part of me knew even trying was asking for trouble, but I got more curious over time and wanted to know how things had turned out for her.

 

About a year and a half ago, I came across her sister’s FB page and saw a comment on one of her posts by someone with same last name as my FL. Her name is just unusual enough so that I realized I had hit pay dirt, but the FB page it linked to had no pictures. Until I looked at her friends,and came across a picture of a young woman who was the spitting image of my FL at 20…her daughter. My heart stopped. The daughter had a different last name than my FL, so I realized she must be divorced at least once. Having her name allowed additional research, I was able to find where she lived and worked. But the most amazing thing, which I still can’t believe, is that she was living in the same city as I was living (and still am) for 12 years, from the late 80s through late 90s-and neither of us ever knew.

 

I sat on the info for more than six months, part of me dying to contact her, the other part afraid to. A little over a year ago, I got an email that she was on my Linked in page, because she had seen that I visited hers. Rationalizing that she knew I was looking, I emailed her. And so it started. That day we caught up with each other's histories tentatively. The next day we talked on the phone for the first time in thirty years. Whether I die tomorrow or in fifty years, I will never forget that conversation. Bottom line, she was still in love with me and had never forgotten…she thought I had left her behind long ago as well, and we both realized this simultaneously. But almost immediately both of us knew anything that happened between us put my marriage in danger. She is divorced for 16 years, because the guy she married instead of me cheated on her multiple times and left her with three daughters to raise without much help.

 

We almost stopped it before it started. Maybe that would have been best, but wecouldn’t pull it off, the emotions were indescribable. And still are. Long story short, a year later we are still in touch. We are 300 miles apart and that is probably the only reason it has not turned into a PA. That and the fact that her divorce so devastated her that she doesn’t want to be the person to end another marriage. She is in a nine year LTR that is going nowhere, never finished college and is struggling financially. We have been in more or less constant contact, especially in the first months, and when we are able to arrange it, can have four and five hour phone conversations. My wife discovered what has been happening in November, by accident, after seeing FL’s text messages coming in (out of state number). I minimized things as much aspossible, telling her it was platonic and FL and I were not still in love…she seems to believe this, but is skeptical enough to have insisted on MC, which we have done and is ongoing.

 

My problem is that I am still completely hooked on my FL and think of her constantly. I recognize the self-destructiveness of this and how unfair it is to my family, but that seems to make little difference. FL feels the same way, but has pulled back somewhat in recent months, partially because of my wife’s awareness, partially because of numerous family and career issues. We are not happy apart but being together would be a years-long earthquake that would hurt a lot of people and not be a certain success.

 

I’ve lurked on this site for a few weeks and it looks like the members have seen everything…I welcome anyone’s thoughts. Thanks.

Edited by MBlair71
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Tell us the reasons why you don't want to divorce.

 

I suggest individual counseling for you, so you can privately hash these things out and you IC can help you get over your AP.

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The MC is seeing each of us individually as well as together and promises absolute confidentiality, which I have relied on. I don't know if this is a conflict of interest, he says that "his client is the marriage", but if he told my wife the things I've told him, it'd all be over.

 

It's been a good marriage and I love my family and I don't want a divorce. She's done nothing to deserve any of this. I need a way to let go of FL but feels impossible.

Edited by MBlair71
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autumnnight

If your wife had a gambling problem and was secretly draining your savings, would you want to know? If you wife was pregnant, would you want to know? If you wife was making porn flicks on the side, would you want to know? If your wife became HIV positive tomorrow, would you want to know?

 

I would bet your honest answer to those questions would be yes. Because all of those things affect you, whether you know them or not.

 

You are not just playing with your life, but the life of your whole family. Your wife is in the dark about an entire second life that puts life as she knows it in jeopardy.

 

You need to tell the woman you made vows to and claim to love the truth.

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FWIW, I discussed exactly this with the MC yesterday and he advised against it for now as he feels (as do I) that full knowledge would probably end the marriage. She would take it (rightfully so) as an unforgivable betrayal, especially since it wasn't owned up to completely when originally discovered.

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So now is the time to tell her the truth. You are still in love with your first love. Your wife has every right to know this. Maybe your wife doesn't want to be married to a man who is in love with another woman. That should be her choice. Plus, I don't think you are willing to give up your first love after finally finding her again. There is no way out of this without hurting someone. Who do you want to hurt?

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purplesorrow
FWIW, I discussed exactly this with the MC yesterday and he advised against it for now as he feels (as do I) that full knowledge would probably end the marriage. She would take it (rightfully so) as an unforgivable betrayal, especially since it wasn't owned up to completely when originally discovered.

 

You made your choice, why are you depriving her of that same right? She hasn't stopped looking for answers. It is a betrayal and continues to be one.

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autumnnight
FWIW, I discussed exactly this with the MC yesterday and he advised against it for now as he feels (as do I) that full knowledge would probably end the marriage. She would take it (rightfully so) as an unforgivable betrayal, especially since it wasn't owned up to completely when originally discovered.

 

If this is the case, you do not have a marriage counselor. You have a deceit enabler. And you are paying him to help you deceive the other half of his "client."

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I'd suggest referring out for a new MC because this one has a conflict of interest or, at minimum, a radically unique concept of what a healthy marriage (their client) appears as.

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The MC is very experienced, highly recommended and she picked him. I don't think he advocates keeping this from her forever but feels she is not ready for the knowledge. My ideal is to somehow get over FL and keep the marriage. The emotions are just so powerful it warps everything.

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autumnnight
The MC is very experienced, highly recommended and she picked him. I don't think he advocates keeping this from her forever but feels she is not ready for the knowledge. My ideal is to somehow get over FL and keep the marriage. The emotions are just so powerful it warps everything.

 

Read this carefully without defenses up. Can you see how self-serving and selfish this is? You are hoping to get a handle on the EA you are already in, end it cleanly, go on with your marriage, and keep your wife in the dark.

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A professional MC doesn't make value judgments, rather assists clients in working through their issues. Is this MC a licensed psychologist?

 

My question would be 'why do you wish to deceive your spouse?', then I'd work the answer with a lot more why questions. I'd purposely lessen focus on the EA. Why? Because I'm working in the best interests of my client, which is the marriage. The EA isn't relevant to the marriage other than as a threat to its health.

 

I've been through what you're dealing with and did have an experienced clinical psychologist as a MC, one who specialized in abuse and infidelity. My affair was out in the open in MC and we worked it.

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Alright, step number 1: Go full no contact. Just block your first love on everything. No goodbye talk, nothing at all, you just block and delete. If you're not willing to do that, don't listen to your MC and tell your wife.

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Read this carefully without defenses up. Can you see how self-serving and selfish this is? You are hoping to get a handle on the EA you are already in, end it cleanly, go on with your marriage, and keep your wife in the dark.

 

Yes. Exactly. If the EA ends and she is not hurt any more than she has been, that's the best outcome.

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MBlair71, this hits so close to home for me that it is extremely hard to write back to you. I am going to try to choke out some plain truths. This is too upsetting for me to dress them up much. Eavery single one of these you are going to react to with an instant wall of defensiveness. I know. You know what that reaction means? It means that in your deepest gut you know what I am saying is true. Here goes.

 

1. You do not know first love. She does not know you. In fact, you have no idea who one another are. You cannot see the first thing about one another with the slightest clarity.

 

2. What you do see -- all that amazing soulmate connection -- is you. What you are seeing is a projection of your own needs, insecurities, fantasies. You have crafted out of them an image of a perfect woman who will compliment and heal each and every hurt need and insecurity. And that image has JUST ENOUGH points of contact with the real person to make the image seem real through and through. It is not. Dude, it took me years to learn this as I struggled to understand why I was son hung up on first love. YOU DO NOT SEE HER. ALL YOU SEE IS YOUR NEEDS. Oh, FYI, she doesn't see you either

 

3. Distance is a lie. Distance lets you project the image you want to project. She is doing the same. And there is no contact with daily reality to rub the edges off the lies. You and she are co-conspirators in deluding one another, and distance is your enabler.

 

4. You are on the brink of destroying a real partnership with a real person with whom you parent real children for a fantasy.

 

5. If you do it, you are going to have made the worst mistake of your life. A mistake you will look back on with utter, absolute, bottomless horror and incomprehension.

 

So what do you do?

 

You go no contact with her while you get your head straight.

 

Commit to six months of no contact at all. None. No FB messages. No texts.

 

Dude, you are on emotional heroin. You are not going to be able to decide what you want to do with a real woman, in real life, as long as you are mainlining a fantasy.

 

If after six months you don't want to work on your marriage, fine, leave. Separate.

 

I cannot convey to you how upset I am. I feel like I am watching a train wreck that has not yet happened, but that I am powerless to prevent.

 

But--I did NOT have the train wreck. I got therapy. I worked the work. And I am with the women I married who is my life partner and love and am free of that toxic fantasy attachment.

 

But I look back in horror, utter horror, at what I might have done.

 

Please. Don't. Destroy. Your. Life.

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there are some real contradictions in your post that it sounds like you should give some thought to.

 

One of them is that your ow says she was devastated by her husband's cheating and subsequent divorce and doesn't want to do that to someone else, yet you are both engaging in behavior that is doing just that. she is also cheating on her long term relationship partner with you.

 

there is also something really disturbing about the amount of effort you say you put in to finding her. it sounds like you never got over her, and have not given yourself 100% to your wife, and you are still not giving her that.

 

you make excuses for not telling her about the affair, because it will hurt her and could cause your marriage to end, yet your affair is the action that could cause that to happen. that, and the dishonesty.

 

you are not a twenty year old student anymore. you are an adult, and it is time to start acting like one. either commit 100% to your marriage, which means ending the affair and severing all contact with your ow, or end your marriage if you can't do that. you need to be all i or all out, not waffling and playing both sides.

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FWIW, I discussed exactly this with the MC yesterday and he advised against it for now as he feels (as do I) that full knowledge would probably end the marriage. She would take it (rightfully so) as an unforgivable betrayal, especially since it wasn't owned up to completely when originally discovered.

 

This is terrible and I really have to question your marriage counsellors ethics. This is on ongoing EA and your marriage counsellor is saying don't tell your wife because she might end the marriage?! So he is in cahoots with you in manipulating and gaslighting your wife? Both of you thinks it's okay to continue to lie and deceive so that you get what you want which is to keep the marriage but you both feel that your wife doesn't deserve honesty and openness? This counsellor is doing more harm than good to your marriage. You can not do anything to fix your marriage while at the same time continuing an EA with an outsider. Everyone knows that so it time to find a new MC ASAP

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MBlair71, this hits so close to home for me that it is extremely hard to write back to you. I am going to try to choke out some plain truths. This is too upsetting for me to dress them up much. Eavery single one of these you are going to react to with an instant wall of defensiveness. I know. You know what that reaction means? It means that in your deepest gut you know what I am saying is true. Here goes.

 

1. You do not know first love. She does not know you. In fact, you have no idea who one another are. You cannot see the first thing about one another with the slightest clarity.

 

2. What you do see -- all that amazing soulmate connection -- is you. What you are seeing is a projection of your own needs, insecurities, fantasies. You have crafted out of them an image of a perfect woman who will compliment and heal each and every hurt need and insecurity. And that image has JUST ENOUGH points of contact with the real person to make the image seem real through and through. It is not. Dude, it took me years to learn this as I struggled to understand why I was son hung up on first love. YOU DO NOT SEE HER. ALL YOU SEE IS YOUR NEEDS. Oh, FYI, she doesn't see you either

 

3. Distance is a lie. Distance lets you project the image you want to project. She is doing the same. And there is no contact with daily reality to rub the edges off the lies. You and she are co-conspirators in deluding one another, and distance is your enabler.

 

4. You are on the brink of destroying a real partnership with a real person with whom you parent real children for a fantasy.

 

5. If you do it, you are going to have made the worst mistake of your life. A mistake you will look back on with utter, absolute, bottomless horror and incomprehension.

 

So what do you do?

 

You go no contact with her while you get your head straight.

 

Commit to six months of no contact at all. None. No FB messages. No texts.

 

Dude, you are on emotional heroin. You are not going to be able to decide what you want to do with a real woman, in real life, as long as you are mainlining a fantasy.

 

If after six months you don't want to work on your marriage, fine, leave. Separate.

 

I cannot convey to you how upset I am. I feel like I am watching a train wreck that has not yet happened, but that I am powerless to prevent.

 

But--I did NOT have the train wreck. I got therapy. I worked the work. And I am with the women I married who is my life partner and love and am free of that toxic fantasy attachment.

 

But I look back in horror, utter horror, at what I might have done.

 

Please. Don't. Destroy. Your. Life.

 

Thank you. You have perfectly captured how I feel. And "emotional heroin" is actually a term the two of us have used with each other to describe the power of the connection.

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autumnnight
Yes. Exactly. If the EA ends and she is not hurt any more than she has been, that's the best outcome.

 

I agree that this would be the best outcome for you. Do you honestly believe it is fair to your wife?

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Thank you. You have perfectly captured how I feel. And "emotional heroin" is actually a term the two of us have used with each other to describe the power of the connection.

 

So get clean. Instead of discussing getting clean with the person you are using with.

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Fair? I don't know. Obviously, it's self-serving for me to avoid full responsibility for the EA by concealing the full truth of it. At the same time, if it is genuinely over and we are able to go forward, is that better than having her go through what would be months if not years of emotional pain by revealing something this devastating?

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But--I did NOT have the train wreck. I got therapy. I worked the work. And I am with the women I married who is my life partner and love and am free of that toxic fantasy attachment.

 

But I look back in horror, utter horror, at what I might have done.

 

Please. Don't. Destroy. Your. Life.

 

If you don't mind, please tell me how you got free of your "toxic attachment." Because I've had mine for more than 30 years and its strength has never been greater.

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I will PM you. EDIT: ok, tou don't have enough posts to receive PMs. I will write something for you here later this morning.

Edited by Owl6118
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autumnnight
Fair? I don't know. Obviously, it's self-serving for me to avoid full responsibility for the EA by concealing the full truth of it. At the same time, if it is genuinely over and we are able to go forward, is that better than having her go through what would be months if not years of emotional pain by revealing something this devastating?

 

If someone has cancer but doesn't know, is it the knowing that will kill them or the cancer?

 

The devastation will not be from knowing, the devastation is caused by YOU over what you have chosen to do.

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You are living a dishonest life and your AP is helping you, which doesn't say much about her morals. Do you think you can imagine the devastation? I have been through it and it is still hard to get my mind around it.

 

A different look at this is from your children's eyes. I think you said that you have 2 teenaged daughters. Of all of the fallout from my XH's affair (which by the way, started out as an EA d/t a reconnection on FB with his long lost love), the worst is what it did to my son, who was 20 at the time. When we have talked about what happened, he has said that while he would not have liked his dad leaving me, he could have accepted that so much more than the betrayal. They have a very surface relationship now, he and his dad. He does not respect his dad, shares nothing important with him and although my X didn't give him $ to help him finish college, he did not want it anyway. What does that tell you about how he felt? You see, he felt betrayed, also. That consuming, wonderful love affair took away from him as well.

 

My X is not with his long lost love. The fantasy of this does not hold up in reality. My X is a sad and bitter person, who has no one to blame for his situation but himself. People leave their spouses for many reasons and I am not saying that you shouldn't. How you manage this situation shows what kind of man you are. Do you want your girls to think you are a dishonest man?

 

When you see your girls' disappointment in you, I think you will wish you handled this differently. Be honest with your wife. You think you can imagine, but you have no idea what kind of angst this kind of betrayal causes. Quit feeling entitled and selfish and think about your family and do the right and honest thing. The fallout will be awful, but not anywhere what it will be if you continue down this slippery slope you are on.

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