Should i divorce or try to stay

[lisbon67]

Just found out few days ago that my wife had an affair in September 2003.. .We only married in July 2003 !! The affair lasted 3 months or so and I did suspect it at the time with the nights she was going out with this mystery friend...but wouldn't let me give her a lift to the house or collect to bring home.only soncecshe confessed this week it's troubling me much more and I feel angry and resentful. Question is..Should I work to repair it....I'm just turned 50 and don't want to be alone in the house...but don't want to feel resentful against her for years either and affect my own health. She is only 36. She admits to having sex on these occasions but won't tell me the details...

[Arieswoman]

lisbon67,

Oh dear, this really is a predicament. I'm not sure where to start.

 

OK, first thing

 

.I'm just turned 50 and don't want to be alone in the house...

 

you should not be making any decisions based on this ^^^

 

Are you truly saying you would rather be married to an unrepentant cheater than live alone?

[Oberfeldwebel]

For you to be able to stay, there needs to be forgiveness, for there to be forgiveness the offender has to be contrite and want forgiveness. While your wife refuses to be open and honest about this relationship, there is nothing to forgive. I believe that most relationships can be saved if both parties work to fix the problem. Her refusal to be honest about the relationship, shows a lack of respect that she has for you both then and now.

 

I would recommend the following:

 

1. Consult with an attorney, you don't have to file but you need to know your rights.

2. Secure your finances.

3. Let your wife know that to fix the relationship, she will have to give details, to help you to mend and attend marriage counseling.

4. If she refuses, let her know that you have consulted with an attorney and prepared to move on unless she works to fix the problem.

5. Expose the affair to family (not on social media).

 

You don't say how you found out or what your relationship has been like outside of this event, children, etc. Hopefully with these measures, she will realize what she has to lose and will finally be open and honest with you and you can work on the marriage. The marriage counseling must address all marriage issues and not just the affair. Best of luck to you and your family.

4.

[fellini]

I suggest you first get your WW onboard about the effects of discovering an infidelity.

 

But let's take a step back, before the die-hard cut her loose and drop her in a ditch BS's start to give their advice.

 

There are a couple of issues.

 

1. You seem like you don't want to give up (right now fear of loneliness but other reasons will surely intervene along the path of recovery from this horrific news). What matters to you now will change along the timeline of recovery from this horrible discovery.

 

2. You do need to know what the hell was going on with her at that time, and if there is any reason to believe that line will wantonly be crossed again. i.e. how can you ascertain if her affair was a one-off or if she is cool with the idea of further experiments (if and when she meets someone else who turns her head)

 

About this word DETAILS. I would be careful here.

 

My suggestion is that if you are going to work through this, she needs to be on the same page as you in terms of your approach to dealing with this mess. What I discovered is that my WW was not going to jump through all my hoops initially. And I told her, I do not WANT the details of the sexual encounters. NOTHING. What I wanted were the details of the When, where, how, and especially WHY. Believe it or not getting her to admit sexual activity was NOTHING compared to getting her to give the truth about the FIRST KISS. It took more than 8 months to get this information

 

Short reason: She was NOT on the same page as I in terms of processing the infidelity and was trying to cover her tracks in terms of her ROLE in it. She invested in the idea that it began at her AP's request on such and such a day in such and such a way, etc. The thing is it was not true, it had been weeks before and on her terms. The problem was she didn't understand the issues of trickle truth (nor did I) and gaslighting until we were well past 3 months, and the "truth" was, in her mind, going to interfere with her previous misdirection so as to risk ending the marriage. i.e. She continued to lie for the wrong reasons. And she could not get her head around the idea that my discovering her little lies about details simply stopped, no, put us back 2 steps behind any real recovery. Sometimes a WS needs to hear this from an expert book rather than the Betrayed spouse to believe and really understand it.

 

If you can get your WW to read some REALLY GOOD material on what the wayward spouse HAS TO DO TO SAVE THE MARRIAGE then maybe you will be able to get the truth from her more quickly than just trying to pull it out of her. I say this from experience. 18 months post DDAY my wife FINALLY understood she totally f-ed up the recovery and reconciliation process by trying to hang onto the privacy of her affair. AND I DIDNT WANT THE SORDID DETAILS OF THE SEX! But it seems hiding her role was actually more important and devastating because she liked holding onto the idea that she was a victim to a womanising AP. She liked having that excuse so much she actually began to believe it herself.

 

I really strongly encourage you to try to get a handle of some good literature about how to process the discovery of infidelity. There are lots of books and lots of advice here. What you are going to get in LS is an aggressive push NOT to reconcile, not to bother with your WS, and a lot of strong language about her.

 

If you can get her on board, if she can genuinely and authentically try to deal with the bigger questions about the horrible and selfish choices she made and the complete dismissal and lack of respect for you, you might have a chance together to do some repair and some rebuilding.

 

That is what she needs to do. You need to set your own goals for your own recovery. Read about this process because it won't be over by summer. Not this one, and probably not the next. You want to stay with a woman who has done this to you, in spite of the timing and the details of what went on between them, then you are going to be in this for the long haul.

 

Im sorry this has happened to you, and I have no idea how this is going to pan out. IN spite of what anyone here tells you, what happens now is essentially due to the character that EACH OF YOU possesses, it has nothing to do with "cheaters" and "cheating". Every case is different.

 

My WW was locked in an EA and eventually a PA during a period of not less than 1.5 years. The last 6-8 months she was pretty much in love with her AP but not prepared to leave the marriage for him YET.

 

We are now coming up to 2 months DDAY, still working, still struggling, but I think its safe to say that at this point we are on the same page, and that has taken quite a lot of patience and effort on my part to get to.

 

What has not been difficult, and has not been tested or broken, is her going NC (no contact) since DDAY.

 

Good luck.

Edited March 12, 2015 by fellini

[fellini]

Are you suggesting that it's not possible the WW is repentant.

 

We heard that she confessed. We do not have the details of how that confession came about. His point is he doesn't want to live alone. This has nothing to do with his WW being repentant or not. It's his honest assessment of where he is emotionally in this world. Respect that.

 

There is one person and one person only who needs to make the decision that you suggest: HIM.

 

 

lisbon67,

Oh dear, this really is a predicament. I'm not sure where to start.

 

OK, first thing

 

 

 

you should not be making any decisions based on this ^^^

 

Are you truly saying you would rather be married to an unrepentant cheater than live alone?

[SawtoothMars]

Just found out few days ago that my wife had an affair in September 2003.. .We only married in July 2003 !! The affair lasted 3 months or so and I did suspect it at the time with the nights she was going out with this mystery friend...but wouldn't let me give her a lift to the house or collect to bring home.only soncecshe confessed this week it's troubling me much more and I feel angry and resentful. Question is..Should I work to repair it....I'm just turned 50 and don't want to be alone in the house...but don't want to feel resentful against her for years either and affect my own health. She is only 36. She admits to having sex on these occasions but won't tell me the details...

 

I really can't provide any meaningful feedback off just 5 sentences.

 

What prompted her confession? What details is she withholding? Has she been suspicious at other times in your relationship? How would you currently describe your relationship with her? ... ect.

 

I am sorry that you have to deal with this... it really sucks... and even though for her the affair was in 2003... for you it was yesterday.

[Confused48]

You should be careful about asking for details. Once you know them you can never unknow them. Your WW may be protecting you. Others will tell you she is protecting herself. That is true as well but if you are to go on with her, stay a couple, then you may very well both be better off keeping the details to a minimum.

 

The decision as to what details constitute the minimum should 100% be up to you. She should have no rights to privacy with respect to this issue. Sometimes it is tempting to demand details, just to establish that the BS is in control of this decision, not the WS. However, you should not ask for this information in the heat of Dday. You should think long and hard about why you want these details, what it will accomplish to know them.

 

Even if you decide you never want to see this woman again, you still will be haunted by the her answers to your questions about sexual details, if you insist on having them. Do you really want that? Sometimes it is best to just get the big picture, a view from 30,000 ft, and leave it at that. Whether or not you decide to reconcile but especially if you do reconcile.

 

If you do reconcile and six months or even years later you change your mind and need those details, you can always get them then. If you get them now and six months or a year from now you wish you did not have them, well there is no way to undo that decision. Think about this long and hard.

[badkarma2013]

Are you suggesting that it's not possible the WW is repentant.

 

We heard that she confessed. We do not have the details of how that confession came about. His point is he doesn't want to live alone. This has nothing to do with his WW being repentant or not. It's his honest assessment of where he is emotionally in this world. Respect that.

 

There is one person and one person only who needs to make the decision that you suggest: HIM.

 

 

Good Morning Friend...I do not want to shoot the horse im riding... But I think what Arieswoman is trying to get across ...it is hard for many of us here..(me included)...to see someone get their head (emotionally)..handed to them and just say..I will eat this Sh^T because i dont want to be alone...

 

Of course you are correct..It is His decision and His alone...But If i was being marched to the edge of ditch to be executed...I Would Not go Quietly ...It is very difficult for many here to think otherwise....However i am trying:(

[Lokin4AReason]

alone is just a perception of the mind ... are WE truly alone ( considering family, friends, etc .. )

 

 

next on the bill list, so she came out and told you. which is usually the first step in building a relationship ( of trust ) or she has been feeling a bit guilty

 

 

second, are you willing to go to a marriage counseling or and a make amends ( and like forgive ) with working things out .. ??

 

 

we know that these are some rough and tough decision(s) ... but it is up to you in deciding if its worth to save at what is there and continue or go on w/ your separate way(s) because of the decision she made in the past ..

 

 

again ... in my opinion

[Buckeye2]

Do you have kids? Why did she tell you now after all these years?

 

My guesses would be:

 

 

#1. She figured out that you would never leave her and she could clear her conscious for free (no real consequences) and feel better.

 

 

#2. She thought you might find out some other way.

 

 

I would rather be alone that to wish I were alone.

[road]

Why did your WW confess?

 

 

All I know is that if you do not get the truth your mind will never rest. For 30 years from now you will haunted by your need to know.

[No Limit]

Your age shouldn't play a role in this. As for your wife, if she cheated back then and still won't be honest now, who knows how often she cheated.

If you don't have children, cut your losses and divorce.

[fellini]

Good morning / afternoon BK (location is everything!)

 

I understand. But the thing is, this guy is raw. He just got on the sh-ttrain, and experienced passengers need to understand (or remember) that people who are just getting on board living with infidelity NEED TO PASS THROUGH stages. Fear of losing everything is ONE of those stages (for some)

 

And like many important journeys in life, leaping to the end, bypassing the necessary steps is not recommended. IMO.

 

When he is ready to say, I'm Done, he can say it. I think it's inaccurate for anyone to believe that they are doing him a favour by having him say it now, and "saving" him from due process.

 

 

 

Good Morning Friend...I do not want to shoot the horse im riding... But I think what Arieswoman is trying to get across ...it is hard for many of us here..(me included)...to see someone get their head (emotionally)..handed to them and just say..I will eat this Sh^T because i dont want to be alone...

 

Of course you are correct..It is His decision and His alone...But If i was being marched to the edge of ditch to be executed...I Would Not go Quietly ...It is very difficult for many here to think otherwise....However i am trying:(

[badkarma2013]

Why did your WW confess?

 

 

All I know is that if you do not get the truth your mind will never rest. For 30 years from now you will haunted by your need to know.

 

Road....I do not know your situation ...Speaking as a BH...I do not believe we will EVER get the truth...WE will never know How they really felt ...If they (at that time) loved them or if we were truly Plan B...NEVER...

 

I knew I would never over the lies,deceit and my WWs Betrayal of US....

I filed for D....There were just to many unknowns that I knew i would never know....Badkarma

 

PS He will never get the TRUTH...You and I both know that.

[badkarma2013]

Good morning / afternoon BK (location is everything!)

 

I understand. But the thing is, this guy is raw. He just got on the sh-ttrain, and experienced passengers need to understand (or remember) that people who are just getting on board living with infidelity NEED TO PASS THROUGH stages. Fear of losing everything is ONE of those stages (for some)

 

And like many important journeys in life, leaping to the end, bypassing the necessary steps is not recommended. IMO.

 

When he is ready to say, I'm Done, he can say it. I think it's inaccurate for anyone to believe that they are doing him a favour by having him say it now, and "saving" him from due process.

 

 

 

Yes....I know...Till the pictures came into play...it was mine...I really do know...

 

And I could barely save myself from what I had become....

Edited March 12, 2015 by badkarma2013

[aliveagain]

Just found out few days ago that my wife had an affair in September 2003.. .We only married in July 2003 !! The affair lasted 3 months or so and I did suspect it at the time with the nights she was going out with this mystery friend...but wouldn't let me give her a lift to the house or collect to bring home.only soncecshe confessed this week it's troubling me much more and I feel angry and resentful. Question is..Should I work to repair it....I'm just turned 50 and don't want to be alone in the house...but don't want to feel resentful against her for years either and affect my own health. She is only 36. She admits to having sex on these occasions but won't tell me the details...

 

 

You were only married two months and she starts an affair that lasts 3 months, wow, my heart goes out to you. We must of been related at one point because I think I was with her sister. If she is still hiding his identity than she is still choosing to protect him over you. Demand his identity and contact information as well as a written timeline of all events that occurred between them. It is up to you if you read it but there can no longer be any secrets between them.

 

Expose the other man, don't tell your wife you are going to do that, just do it, assuming he is married or in a serious relationship. One of the biggest reason a wayward spouse will keep their identity from you is because you already know them.

 

This is her chance to prove that she wants the marriage, keeping the information and his identity a secret from you is a major failure and recommend that you speak with a lawyer.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I'd demand all the details, ALL THE DETAILS.

 

If she does not want to provide them I'd be done. I'd rather be alone than with someone that was unwilling to come clean, show remorse and to be totally transparent.

[lisbon67]

in addition to what i posted yeaterday...she has been an alcoholic for at least the last five years...but she did agree to get help two years ago and attended al anon and counselling I arranged for her locally in Scotland ...she is originally from Ukraine and needed help to negotiate this...but she is still drinking heavily. She finally confessed to her affair in 2003 just last week and it was no big revelation really as I knew fine at the time that she wasn't going to this guys house 2 or 3 times a week to "play checkers " as one of my friends so eloquently put it She always took 2 bottles of wine and cigarettes with her...that I bought...as she said she was going to visit a female friend that I had never met. But still to have it confirmed just a few days ago....when she was drinking vodka and wanted me to go to the shop to get some more..is still very raw now.I find now that I'm obsessing about the details..for the first time. ..and she won't elaborate. She did also give me an ultimatum about having a baby 5 years ago...and I put it off mainly because of her drinking. She is agreeing to a divorce and actually seems to be instigating it just now.my kids from first marriage are grown up and out of the house now and I dont know if I can handle being alone again. I know I should grow a pair but I do realise this . The guy was a Dutch worker here in Scotland and was a black man not that this is relevant.but they are rare in theses parts and she managed to find one.she said she wasn't attracted to him but that probably she was curious for a black man.she did say he had a big cock the other day which didn't really help me..But she was getting angry at me questioning her at this time.I appreciate your replies of course as always and I'm certainly stuggling because it feels like it happened yesterday

instead of nearly 12 years ago.. I do know who

the other guy is...ps I don't understand all the acronyms. ..is it OM...and she actually got me to take her to his house next day after she had gone there 12 years ago....but she still insisted he was just a friend...and she had gone there after we had a fight the night before...over my suspicions of her having an affair...I can't believe now...that I never divorced her there and then in December 2003....she would've had to go back to Ukraine then...cause I hadn't even gone on to get her full visa then and eventually her British passport in 2008...costing thousands over the piece...

the last 12 years have been wasted and a lie...I can't believe I've been such a weak naive person....

Edited March 13, 2015 by lisbon67

[lisbon67]

lisbon67,

Oh dear, this really is a predicament. I'm not sure where to start.

 

OK, first thing

 

 

 

you should not be making any decisions based on this ^^^

 

Are you truly saying you would rather be married to an unrepentant cheater than live alone?

 

 

 

Good advice thanks...someone here said "I rather

live alone....than want to be alone" great motivating

quote. .I will hold this

[lisbon67]

Felling. ..and overfed

..Some super advice...

I think she's been troubled inside in the last few days...

but there's been no apologies or contriteNess directed to me whatsoever. ..she cause a bit crazy when I ask some simple questions. .and it's me that has to back off

[lisbon67]

Lots of great stuff here...

I too don't really want to know

all the sordid sexuals details...

haven't even thought

about them kissing yet

...that makes me feel sick

more than the sex perhaps...

I will definitely get a lawyer now as you advise...

[lisbon67]

You were only married two months and she starts an affair that lasts 3 months, wow, my heart goes out to you. We must of been related at one point because I think I was with her sister. If she is still hiding his identity than she is still choosing to protect him over you. Demand his identity and contact information as well as a written timeline of all events that occurred between them. It is up to you if you read it but there can no longer be any secrets between them.

 

Expose the other man, don't tell your wife you are going to do that, just do it, assuming he is married or in a serious relationship. One of the biggest reason a wayward spouse will keep their identity from you is because you already know them.

 

This is her chance to prove that she wants the marriage, keeping the information and his identity a secret from you is a major failure and recommend that you speak with a lawyer.

 

 

I would expose him if I knew where he was..its nearly 12 years now...

he even bought her a Bodyshop ladies personal gift set at the time ...and she presented it to me

and was so pleased about it...as a nice gift from

the girl friend she had been visiting...I thought

at the time this gift was strange from a girl to a girl

...but what must the OM have been thinking??. ..would he not think that I would be suspicious about his present. ..or did he just not give a **** about me...The husband at that time..

maybe he thought I was a pussy...

I'm 6ft scotsman and can defend myself...but obviously I am very gullible and naive at times...I shouldve trusted my instinct at the time...and saved wasting my last 12 years...

Divorced her and knocked this guys lights out. ..

but I was so weak when I went with her to collect her overnight bag from his house...she only stayed overnight once.. .and this was after our fight..and he came and collected her from outside my house...in December 2003 !.....After this day. ..when I found out who she had been seeing for 3 months. ..told me for 12 years that he had just been a friend. ...she never

saw him again and it ended...

but only because she had been caught not that she

ended it willingly....she's kept my head tortured

for last 12 years cause I always knew it was an affair

but only confirmed a few days ago...jeez I only knew

she was a he in late December 2003...3 months after

she had starting seeing the 'she' friend in September 2003...!!

Edited March 13, 2015 by lisbon67

[lisbon67]

You were only married two months and she starts an affair that lasts 3 months, wow, my heart goes out to you. We must of been related at one point because I think I was with her sister. If she is still hiding his identity than she is still choosing to protect him over you. Demand his identity and contact information as well as a written timeline of all events that occurred between them. It is up to you if you read it but there can no longer be any secrets between them.

 

Expose the other man, don't tell your wife you are going to do that, just do it, assuming he is married or in a serious relationship. One of the biggest reason a wayward spouse will keep their identity from you is because you already know them.

 

This is her chance to prove that she wants the marriage, keeping the information and his identity a secret from you is a major failure and recommend that you speak with a lawyer.

 

For you to be able to stay, there needs to be forgiveness, for there to be forgiveness the offender has to be contrite and want forgiveness. While your wife refuses to be open and honest about this relationship, there is nothing to forgive. I believe that most relationships can be saved if both parties work to fix the problem. Her refusal to be honest about the relationship, shows a lack of respect that she has for you both then and now.

 

I would recommend the following:

 

1. Consult with an attorney, you don't have to file but you need to know your rights.

2. Secure your finances.

3. Let your wife know that to fix the relationship, she will have to give details, to help you to mend and attend marriage counseling.

4. If she refuses, let her know that you have consulted with an attorney and prepared to move on unless she works to fix the problem.

5. Expose the affair to family (not on social media).

 

You don't say how you found out or what your relationship has been like outside of this event, children, etc. Hopefully with these measures, she will realize what she has to lose and will finally be open and honest with you and you can work on the marriage. The marriage counseling must address all marriage issues and not just the affair. Best of luck to you and your family.

4.

 

Very motivating advice...I will act on this ...Thank you

[BetrayedH]

She's not truly remorseful and you do yourself a major disservice by accepting anything less than true remorse (do you really need yet another blow to the ego?). Worse yet, your reconciliation will still fail and you will have sold your soul for nothing.

 

Take a firmer stance that shows that you respect yourself and then maybe she'll respect you, too.

 

Look up 'the 180' and implement it. File for divorce. Sometimes the reality of her consequences will be a wake-up call. If she expresses remorse that is sufficient for you, you can always pause the divorce proceedings. If she doesn't, then you'll be on the way to the divorce you need.

 

Respect yourself, my friend. You need your self-respect now more than ever. If she wants this marriage, she earns it. If she doesn't earn it, she finds herself divorced.

[lisbon67]

She's not truly remorseful and you do yourself a major disservice by accepting anything less than true remorse (do you really need yet another blow to the ego?). Worse yet, your reconciliation will still fail and you will have sold your soul for nothing.

 

Take a firmer stance that shows that you respect yourself and then maybe she'll respect you, too.

 

Look up 'the 180' and implement it. File for divorce. Sometimes the reality of her consequences will be a wake-up call. If she expresses remorse that is sufficient for you, you can always pause the divorce proceedings. If she doesn't, then you'll be on the way to the divorce you need.

 

Respect yourself, my friend. You need your self-respect now more than ever. If she wants this marriage, she earns it. If she doesn't earn it, she finds herself divorced.

 

...I realise now that I have to get back my self respect and self esteem more than anything...I agree

with what you say entirely. ..I need to get her to respect me by being decisive for the first time in years..mi don't think there is any way back from this

especially as she hasn't told me or disclosed much at all and not apologised even once...she said on this ' whats the point'...Today for probably first time since DD last week...I really feel quite angry that she has taken up 12 years off my life...and only come clean now. ..up to a point as she won't say much detail. ..If she had admitted it 12 years ago I would have divorced her and not had 12 troubled angst filled years ..where there was always something blocking between us but I couldn't figure out what the bad spirit was lurking over us for 12 years...now I know why...cheers BetrayedH.. any more thoughts more than welcome