Need a different perspective on dealing with a former other woman [Updated]

[justabw]

First of all I just want to say that finding this board a few days after D Day really helped me. So many of you seem like good, kind hearted people who are often dealing with a lot of pain - so far from the picture of the OW. You helped me to humanise my husbands former OW and quit obsessing over her early on so that I could put the focus where it needed to be, my marriage.

 

So I am hoping that some of you may be able to give me your input on the situation I now find myself in. So many forums and boards give me advice that in my opinion is very biased and sometimes based for more about "punishing" an OW than actually helping someone heal.

 

For some background - I'm 31, my husband is 32, we've been married for 5 years and together 6 years in total. We have a gorgeous little boy who is almost 2.

 

We had a genuinely great marriage until shortly after the birth of our son. A combination of post natal depression and my thyroid going extremely overreactive, resulting in me needing to have it removed last year and a number of other deeply unpleasant events in life resulted in us withdrawing a little from each other and our communication, always so good, suffered as a result. Actually, everything suffered as a result. We weren't fighting but we seemed to walk around in our own personal bubbles. We didn't make having date nights a priority and we were great parents together but lost our sense of "coupledom" a bit, if that makes sense?

 

So at the begining of last October, my husband was put on a project at work with a 32 year old married lady he hadn't worked with before. This project was short but very stressful and they formed a close friendship. After two weeks, this lady asked if they could go for a drink to celebrate the successful completion of said project - during this outing, she told my husband that she felt they had a connection, that she thought they would be together if they had met at different times and burst in to tears about her own husband who had apparently told her she was manipulative and didn't understand her.

 

Long story short, she kissed him when he gave her a hug and he didn't end it there and then.

 

I just need to interrupt my own story to say that I am not painting her as being the instigator here - she did in fact initiate things and I have seen all the whatsapp chats which back this all up. I've seen where he repeatedly told her that he loved me, he even told her that I knew him better than anyone ever could and that I was the love of his life despite our problems and that he'd never leave me when she questioned him.

 

I have to admit that some of the most hurtful part of those conversations were the parts where she'd question how much I really knew him, whether I was *really* a good wife and mother like he claimed or was - his answers denied her accusations against me but in a rather wishy washy way since it continued. And regardless of who initiated it, he totally went along with it.

 

Anyway they would chat by whatsapp and meet up after work to go for a drink for a couple of hours a week. They'd talk, she'd cry about things happening in her life, they'd end the evening with a kiss in the car park and then they would do the same thing again a week later.

 

This went on for 6 weeks - they went for dinner instead of a drink once, the week before my husband had to go to Hong Kong on business for a week. When he was out there, they whatsapped frequently and near the end of the week she said "I know you'll think I'm crazy but I want to spend more time with you." He said that might be difficult because of our two year old and her reply still upsets me even now - "well what sort of mother can't look after her own son to give her husband some time away now and then?" - like I wasn't already doing that so they could have their once a week "dates".

 

Anyway, it became a moot point because when he returned I could tell something was stressing him out and I had an idea that something was wrong. When I asked him, he told me everything and immediately showed me his whatsapp.

 

To try and cut this long story shorter, we were fully honest with each other for the first time in a while and started reconnecting. He asked me whether he should just ignore the other woman now, just block her off his phone and ignore her at work but I said that he should do the right thing and end it with her face to face with some respect. I thought that she'd accept it because they had after all only really known each other for 8 weeks, only gone out about 8 or 9 times for a few hours a go and hadn't ever slept together. Well, Christ, was I wrong. So wrong that if I hadn't seen the chats that backed it up, I would have been convinced that somehow my husband had really managed to hide this affair for 5 years or something.

 

He told her that what they'd had was a fantasy and escapism and she disagreed strongly. She said that she had fallen in love with him and it was real. When he told her that what they had done was wrong, she said it "didn't matter". She agreed to not contact him again and said that if there was any more contact, it would be because he wanted it.

 

She continued to text him every few days for a couple of weeks saying things like "I am so worried about you. I really care you know" and "I am so worried about what you're going through right now - I'd do anything to help you". He showed me everything, not sure what to do. He replied to her first text saying "I am fine. As I said before, please delete my contact details and don't contact me again" and then ignored the others.

 

She was quiet for a few weeks and then started "bumping" in to him at the kitchen at work or coming over to his section in the open plan office and sitting near him until it became obvious that he wasn't going to start a conversation.

 

By this time, it had been nearly 3 months since D-day and the affair had been over longer than it had been going on. She suddenly started e-mailing him at work and - to start with it was about the project they'd worked on together last October - flimsy reasons but technically professional. Then she started reminicising about the time they'd spent together on said project, what a good team they had made, etc etc.

 

He would forward me every single one and I'd help him formulate responses that answered any professionally relevant questions but ignored the rest.

Then she started e-mailing him to ask if he was in the office that day etc - he once replied "yes, why? Has something happened with "previous project". She replied "Oh no, I was just worried about where you were - I do worry about you". He ignored that.

 

At this point I knew she was fishing and it might escalate soon and I was right. My husband called me a few days later really frustrated and wanting advice because she had again e-mailed him at work asking him to walk her to her car that evening so that they could have a chat.

 

At this point I was getting annoyed myself but I said that maybe he should hear her out - maybe she wanted some final closure. Maybe she wanted reassurance that I wouldn't be contacting her husband. Maybe she just wanted to clear the air and put a line under it.

 

Wrong. He asked her what she wanted and she said that "wanted to check if he was alright - remember, I care about you" and he got very frustrated at that point. He told her she was manipulative and that she had gone back on what she'd promised and not left him alone.

 

He recorded the whole conversation on his phone (I did not ask him to do this - the fact he did shocked me to be honest) and the conversation was short but pretty shocking to me. She told him that I "obviously" hadn't cared about him as much as she did, that she loved him, etc etc. She got very angry when my husband told her that I actually knew that he was there talking to her - she actually asked how he could betray her like that! He reiterated that he told me everything, showed me everything and that he had never felt what she had and to please wake up because he loved me and she should be thinking about her husband would feel.

 

That was a week ago and she's been quiet since but I've got a bad feeling she will start again soon.

 

Sorry the back story was so long but I really want to know how to deal with this without being vindictive. A lot of other boards say that unless I "expose" this woman to her husband, she will just carry on trying to get in with my husband again.

 

The thing is though, I don't feel it is my place to "expose" her and hurt her husband. Plus she is obviously a woman in a lot of pain whether rightly or wrongly. I don't want to throw rocks at her. One of the things she was always upset about is that her husband had said they weren't stable enough to have children yet and she really wants to start a family - at nearly 33, if her husband kicks her out, she could have blown the best chance she has of having a child. I feel it's not right to shove myself in her marriage and drop a bomb.

 

I'm just amazed that she is still trying to continue things and disrespecting me so much - she hasn't once expressed any worry or remorse for the affair. And while I do feel badly for her I am getting tired of having to deal with her and being reminded of something so painful when I am trying so hard to mend my marriage. I feel she is being beyond selfish.

 

If anybody could give me any insight in to her mindset I would really appreciate it. And does anybody have any suggestions of a compassionate way to make this stop since just sitting back and doing nothing doesn't seem to help? Or are the other forums right and the only way to make a former affair partner respect our marriage is to expose her/confront her? Or do you think that she might finally back off now, despite what other boards say?

 

Thanks very much and sorry for the TL:DR

Edited February 16, 2015 by justabw

[Red123]

Your story is very similar to mine, very short A and the MOW was convinced that it wasn't an A but they had something special. My H tried to just keep things platonic for a couple of weeks thinking she would just fade away but it didn't work. He ended up writing a very detailed NC letter asking that she never contact him again by any means. It didn't work at first as she attempted contact twice within the month following the letter. Then she was quiet until about 4 months past Dday she emailed him. He showed it me( like all of the other contact) and responded in an abrupt manner. He basically said he couldn't believe she would contact him after all that time had passed, that he has shown me everything and that he would be forwarding everything to her H if she ever contacted him again. We haven't heard from her since, other than her showing up at the work gym at the same time he works out everyday. That could have been a coincidence but he said she told him she never works out. So that was April of 2014. I think your H should consider a NC email to her and possibly consider going to HR if she doesn't leave him alone. I too didn't expose her to her H and at times I regret it. I didn't because they have little children and I don't know what kind of man her H is, like is he violent. It may be in your best interest to expose her if she continues to contact your H. It's a personal decision. Many on here will tell you to do it, but you need to do what works best for you. I hope she leaves you alone.

[SoleMate]

For the sake of your marriage, there must be a next step. The status quo, with the ex-ow bothering your H repeatedly, and you needing to get involved in the response, isn't tenable. The next step should come from your H, imo, and he should do one or more of the following things:

 

1) Send ex-ow a registered letter telling her not to contact him except for strictly work-related things (drafted by an attorney if possible)

 

2) Advise HR that he is being repeatedly bothered by a coworker after asking her to stop

 

3) Tell her husband all relevant facts (the talks, the kissing, the repeated attempts at contact)

 

AND.......

he's not going to like this......

 

but he should find a new job.

[nikki76]

This is very hard. I wish I had an answer.

 

If she's determined enough, a no contact letter will do no good. I cut my MM off , but I cant block his phone number w/o my husband finding out. XMM has been messaging me quite often. I'm not responding, which makes him play harder.

 

She's probably not used to being turned down and this is a blow to her ego and she will do anything to try and get your husband to continue any kind of relationship with her.

 

If they work together, he could tell HR, or to get another job. Or he can threaten to tell her husband. Its not right for you to expose her. I think whatever decision is made, needs to be from your husband.

 

In my case, he knows I would never confess, he's friends with my husband, so I couldnt threaten that to him.

[Got it]

Talk to your husband and come up with a plan on what you guys want to do. What is he prepared to do? This is really his mess so he needs to clean it up.

[spookysonata]

The thing is though, I don't feel it is my place to "expose" her and hurt her husband. Plus she is obviously a woman in a lot of pain whether rightly or wrongly. I don't want to throw rocks at her. One of the things she was always upset about is that her husband had said they weren't stable enough to have children yet and she really wants to start a family - at nearly 33, if her husband kicks her out, she could have blown the best chance she has of having a child. I feel it's not right to shove myself in her marriage and drop a bomb.

 

Look at it this way. Her husband is in their marriage too. He has a right to know that his wife betrayed him. You don't need to be mean about it, but please do let him know the truth of his own life, as kindly and compassionately as possible.

 

Also, you mentioned that her husband think she is unstable and manipulative. Based on your description of her actions, I'd say he's right.

 

She had no problem shoving herself into your marriage (and badmouthing you to your husband), and honestly, if her husband kicks her out because she cheated on him...well, whose fault is that?

 

Actions have consequences. If she's scrambling to keep her own husband, she won't have any time left for yours. Please tell him.

 

Good luck.

[stillmind]

I agree with spooky that you should tell her husband. I know it makes you sympathetic to think that this might be her last shot at starting a family, but what about her husband? Should he be tricked into starting a family with a woman who cheats on him? Poor guy.

 

Good luck with this.

[minimariah]

She continued to text him...

 

why didn't he block her number and texts immediately?

 

He ignored that.

 

why? that's a mistake - he never once confronted her & he wasn't really clear about wanting her to back off. why didn't he threaten with finding another job or going to the bosses and complaining about harrassment? because that IS harrassment.

 

At this point I knew she was fishing and it might escalate soon and I was right. My husband called me a few days later really frustrated and wanting advice because she had again e-mailed him at work asking him to walk her to her car that evening so that they could have a chat.

 

i'm so confused at this point - why is he calling YOU and asking YOU for advice? what kind of advice does he expect anyway? he needs to stay away from her - so why is he calling you for advice instead of e-mailing her back with a simple "no, leave me alone, i don't want any non-professional contact with you"?

 

She got very angry when my husband told her that I actually knew that he was there talking to her - she actually asked how he could betray her like that! He reiterated that he told me everything, showed me everything and that he had never felt what she had and to please wake up because he loved me and she should be thinking about her husband would feel.

 

FINALLY! your husband should've done all of this a looooong time ago.

 

That was a week ago and she's been quiet since but I've got a bad feeling she will start again soon.

 

if she starts again - he needs to file a complaint to the bosses or HR. and he should probably start looking for another job. also, block her COMPLETELY from texts, e-mails... from everything he possibly can. threaten her with telling her husband or the bosses and very CLEARLY telling her to back off. he needs to be clear about it - i never loved you, i never cared for you, you're nothing and no one to me, back off, i don't want to speak to you or see you - yes, he needs to be that brutal and cruel otherwise this will go on forever.

 

The thing is though, I don't feel it is my place to "expose" her and hurt her husband. Plus she is obviously a woman in a lot of pain whether rightly or wrongly. I don't want to throw rocks at her.

 

forget her and her pain, that is none of your business. you need to worry about YOU and YOUR marriage and the troubles in it. i have a feeling you worry more about her pain and closure than you do about your own marriage. don't expose her to her husband, but forget everything about her. completely put her on ignore and your husband needs to do the same.

 

I'm just amazed that she is still trying to continue things and disrespecting me so much - she hasn't once expressed any worry or remorse for the affair.

 

she isn't backing off because your husband was never firm enough, IMO. women fish where they see and know they can, if he was firm and brutal and cruel with her - she would've backed off. it took you two like 3 months to tell her you know everything and that she should finally leave you alone... why? this needed to be done right away. your husband isn't being clear enough, firm enough. that's my honest opinion.

[whichwayisup]

There's something "off" with her, he's done everything to get her to stop bothering him and she won't leave him alone. It's like she's obsessed with him, addicted to him and she continually crosses boundaries he's put up, she ignores his NC requests.

 

It is time to tell her husband, he has a right to know that his wife is lusting after another (married) man. It WILL stop the contact once she has to face him and deal with consequences of her actions. He deserves to know the truth, talk to him and show him the conversations she's had with your husband.

[Popsicle]

First of all, I have a lot of respect for you for not only being so candid, but so genuinely respectful and understanding towards the OW (even tho she's a little nuts). That is rare to see in this section among BS's. My advice to you is to tell your H to threaten to tell her H. I think you should stay out of it, one of the reasons you sited yourself, it appears vindictive and she won't listen to you anyway. If she keeps it up, then your H should tell her H.

[Lurkeraspect]

I don't think you need to tell her husband anything. But I do think your husband needs to issue her an ultimatum. No continued contact from her or HE will tell her husband everything. Hopefully that will be all it takes for her to back off for good. By telling her husband first (by not giving her the opportunity to stop) she could truly ramp up, as she now has nothing to lose.

[justabw]

Wow thank you all ever so much for so many responses so quickly.

 

I will attempt to answer each of you individually as soon as I can, I am just processing all the advice right now before answering fully.

 

I should perhaps just add a few things though - it seems I missed out a few important details while telling my over-long story (sorry about that, it's the first time I've ever written it out)

 

1) She was told that I knew everything when my husband ended things with her. He also told her that he had shown me their old chats and that he would show me anything she sent in future - he was really surprised that she kept of contacting him after that - perhaps she didn't believe he really would?

 

2) It was my fault that he didn't block her on his phone immediately. After she reacted so strangely to him ending things (saying she loved him, wanted him etc after such a short period of time) I thought it best to leave a line of communication open so that I could get a heads up if she was going to turn up on my doorstep.

 

3) His phone is a work phone, not a private number. She also only e-mailed him through his work e-mail address. He asked me for advice because he wanted to be careful how to word things in case the e-mails got looked at - too "blunt" and she could cry bullying (it seems she's done that a couple of times)

 

4) I've never met this lady and she has never met me. I saw a photo and she is attractive and from the chats I read, she is intelligent and articulate. But she apparently broke down in tears during every single meet up with my husband - that and her behaviour after it ended makes me think she is in a very bad place emotionally at the moment, which is in part why I've been reluctant to be too hard or contact her husband.

 

Thank you all again - as I said, I will try to answer everyone more completely later. I'm going to have to really reflect on all that's been said.

Edited February 16, 2015 by justabw

[BetrayedH]

Personally, I think the H ought to be told regardless but I recognize it's not your first choice.

 

At this point, I'd recommend waiting to see if the last conversation was successful. If she initiates contact again, just go to the H.

 

After that, you're down to involving HR, cease and desist letters, restraining orders and the like.

[justabw]

I'm not sure why but something about posting all of this and getting responses has made me quite emotional which is a surprise to me because I've not cried once since dday.

 

I will definitely answer properly when I've processed more.

[Popsicle]

I'm not sure why but something about posting all of this and getting responses has made me quite emotional which is a surprise to me because I've not cried once since dday.

 

Probably because this is such a big mess and you didn't deserve it and a painful one at that, for all involved.

[BetrayedH]

I'm not sure why but something about posting all of this and getting responses has made me quite emotional which is a surprise to me because I've not cried once since dday.

 

I will definitely answer properly when I've processed more.

 

Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving. You've been carrying a heavy burden.

 

I'm always in favor of informing the other BS but it took me months to decide and I rarely think it's critical to make the decision quickly. You gotta focus on yourself for a while and get stable. I think, in most cases, people do decide that it's the right thing to do but it doesn't need to be the first priority.

 

Take care of yourself.

[bathtub-row]

The good news is, whatever warm and fuzzy feelings your husband might've felt toward this woman, they are good and dead now because of her behavior. As far as the things she said about you, that was really out of line. In most cases where I hear about affairs, and my own included, most OW don't take pot shots at the wife. It's really in bad taste. Most of the time, the wife isn't even brought up.

 

Unfortunately, this woman will probably be difficult to get rid of because she's not mentally stable. Probably getting HR involved would be the best solution. Your husband only responding to emails pertaining to work may help too. Although he has basically done that.

 

One thing to be aware of is that when someone is acting the way she is, she just wants your husband's attention - whether it's negative or positive. If he can deflect all emails about anything work-related to someone else, that would remove all forms of attention from him. And the next time she requests an audience with your husband, he needs to completely ignore that.

 

Both of you need to never forget that this woman is very much mentally unstable. You did a good thing by encouraging a civilized ending to the relationship. Had you not done that, there's no telling how she would've reacted. I was once cheated on and I did the same thing - made sure that my husband ended things civilly. However, that had the effect of diffusing the situation. In your case, this person is going to see everything as an opportunity to get her foot in the door.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. If nothing else, I think your husband has learned a valuable lesson.

[goodyblue]

I am not sure you could classify her as a bunny boiler, but that is quite obsessive to not give up when told. I think the ultimatum to stop or you will out her is the righ. thing to do, but it must.come from the WS. She has already shown she has no respect for you. If that doesn't work all bets are off. I was the OW. If my guy told me to cease contact i would lose his number and never speak to him again. Ever. Like... ever ever.

[Lurkeraspect]

I don't thing this woman is the bunny boiler (type) either. But I do think its been very wishy washy for her. I believe the ultimatum is the best course of action, and following through if she doesn't respect your wishes. I think the good news is, you've got a husband who messed up, yet is willing to do whatever it takes to heal his relationship with you.

 

Good luck, OP. It certainly sounds like you have a marriage worth salvaging.

[justabw]

Once again, thank you very much everyone for your help.

 

The hubby and I have discussed it and have decided to see whether she now respects his final request for no further contact. If she does that we won't take things any further.

 

If she disrespects our lines again though, we will contact her husband and we have now found out how to do so if it's necessary.

 

We both feel conflicted over this. We both feel her husband has a right to know. My husband feels terrible about hurting this man who he doesn't know. As he said himself, "I helped to hurt him, he just doesn't know it yet".

 

But it would be best coming from the lady in question, just as it was best for me that it came from my husband. Who knows, maybe now that my husband has spelled things out beyond any doubt, maybe she will come out of the fog, realise what she did, and put her attention back on the man she married.

 

If she pushes things further, then she is obviously not going to do that without being forced in to it so we would feel less bad about dropping the bomb on her husband.

 

Either way, my husband is looking for another job now. He no longer feels comfortable at work, things are tainted.

 

There have been so many consequences for such a short period of madness. My husband somehow thought that because they were both married, they were just "special friends" who were helping each other out through a rough patch, that they'd be happy for each other once they'd fixed their respective problems and slide back to being "normal friends" afterwards. Which almost makes sense until you realise how completely stupid it sounds! I do love him very much though and we will continue working through this together. Apart from this issue, we've been the best we have for years.

 

Thank you very much again for all the advice and support. It means a lot.

Edited February 21, 2015 by justabw

[loveboid]

I recommend not talking to her husband. That's just more attention. If you hang around these boards long enough you'll see the betrayed spouse can't stop their wayward spouse's behavior anyway. She obviously doesn't respect her husband. Look up No Contact. She's a nutcase.

 

I had to send an email to a nutter. I said:

 

"I don't love you. I don't want a relationship with you. I have no interest in you. I want nothing to do with you. Any further attempts to contact me will be used to support a restraining order."

 

It's documented with a timestamp. I wouldn't bother talking. Time for talking is over. I have a rule to put any email from him into a folder called Restraining Order. Keep everything. She'll realize she can't play games with him anymore.

 

It was the only thing for me that worked. Because he knew where I lived and kept showing up at my house!

 

There should be a form letter for this kind of thing on the internet or something.

[Wifeinpain]

Her poor husband has a right to know the truth of what is happening in his life. Of course it is best coming from her, but that rarely happens. Being the only spouse who doesn't know about the affair is maddening. I still resent the AP's spouse for not telling me because she was then making decisions in my life that I should have been making.

 

I also think she is dangerously close to stalking.

[BetrayedH]

Once again, thank you very much everyone for your help.

 

The hubby and I have discussed it and have decided to see whether she now respects his final request for no further contact. If she does that we won't take things any further.

 

If she disrespects our lines again though, we will contact her husband and we have now found out how to do so if it's necessary.

 

We both feel conflicted over this. We both feel her husband has a right to know. My husband feels terrible about hurting this man who he doesn't know. As he said himself, "I helped to hurt him, he just doesn't know it yet".

 

But it would be best coming from the lady in question, just as it was best for me that it came from my husband. Who knows, maybe now that my husband has spelled things out beyond any doubt, maybe she will come out of the fog, realise what she did, and put her attention back on the man she married.

 

If she pushes things further, then she is obviously not going to do that without being forced in to it so we would feel less bad about dropping the bomb on her husband.

 

Either way, my husband is looking for another job now. He no longer feels comfortable at work, things are tainted.

 

There have been so many consequences for such a short period of madness. My husband somehow thought that because they were both married, they were just "special friends" who were helping each other out through a rough patch, that they'd be happy for each other once they'd fixed their respective problems and slide back to being "normal friends" afterwards. Which almost makes sense until you realise how completely stupid it sounds! I do love him very much though and we will continue working through this together. Apart from this issue, we've been the best we have for years.

 

Thank you very much again for all the advice and support. It means a lot.

 

Lots of solid thought processes here. I think you've made a wise decision.

 

Good luck with your reconciliation.

[road]

The BH needs to be told.

 

 

Also tell him your WH is looking for a new job so there will be total NC soon as possible.

[katielee]

Inform her BS. Let him worry about her. You're WAY too involved in her emotional state. Who cares what happens to her...

 

Your WS quits job or finds new work. You should not need to worry about HER at all. I would be fed up with all this crap.