One and a half days after I confessed that I cheated

[Sweetz]

Journal Entry #1

Today is Saturday morning. Thursday night was the night I broke the news to him. Since then, life has sucked to say the least. Since that time, we have only exchanged several words. Last night for 7 hours, we did not say one word to each other. This morning is the same. The air is thick and the tension is high. I don't know what to do. I am going through so many different emotions from anger, hurt, sadness, bitterness, sorrow, and resentment. I don't know what the future really holds right now. Deep down I know we both want to talk but I can only see it blowing up into a huge heated argument that will just make the situation worse than it already is. I want to run away and hide but at the same time, I want this to work out. Talk about confusion. Look up that word in the dictionary and my name and picture will be right by it, I swear.

 

For me I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. I flip flop feelings between the two men in my life: the one I can have I don't really want right now and the one I want right now, I can't have. I know what I need to do but it's hard. I will keep fighting though. I don't have a choice. I have to.

[The_Analyzer]

I think you need some time to think about what you really want. Your s/o just got a blow when you told him. I think its probably expected right now for him to not be saying a whole lot. Give it some time and then maybe you all can sit down and talk things over. Good luck.

 

 

Just my 2 cents.

[StillHurtin]

Give him some time to think. I know what the guy is going through. It's not easy hearing the news that your spouse had an A. Your whole life you once knew is gone. He is going through he!! right now.

[Sweetz]

Well the silence was finally broken and replaced by screaming and yelling. I think I prefer the silence over that. Things are not good right now between us. Funny thing is that even though I am the one that screwed up and went outside our marriage, a part of me is mad at him. He claims that he is willing to forget about this and put it behind us, but that is just not that easy. I know he's trying to avoid the hurt and pain this way so I get that. I know it will continue to resurface its ugly head until it is properly resolved. The part of me that is mad is perhaps my coming out and confessing to him was sort of my wake up call to him that things in our relationship aren't good and some things need to be addressed. He seems to think that forgetting about it and not talking about it at all is the resolution to the issue, but it's not.

 

Internally, I am drained in every way. The OM is going to be back in town this week and I will probably hear from him. I am going to tell him that we're over as hard as that is going to be for me to tell him because I have never said no to this man. He will know something has changed and that in itself is going to snowball into another huge mess for me to deal with. I know that to move on from this that complete contact from the OM needs to be terminated. The hard part is that he is in the same line of work as my husband so his name constantly comes up in conversations with our colleagues and friends and then I have to put on my poker face in order to get involved with those conversations. That to me is the hard part.

 

I am so mad at everyone right now especially myself. This has got to be the absolute worse anyone can feel right now. If it gets any worse, then I don't want to go there. I feel like packing my things up and just disappearing into thin air, left alone to deal with things on my own, and not have to run into anything that I feel I can't handle any longer. I know that's chicken$****, but I am just telling you the truth.

 

For a split second, I understood what a crime of passion was. Don't worry anyone, this is just a way for me to convey how emotional this has all been on me. How could this OM just go on with his life and continue to lie to me and his wife and my husband while the rest of the world thinks so highly of him? I wish I could announce to the world what a scum bag lying piece of crap this guy is, but I know that is not an option so I need to leave it alone. I really do hope that the saying "what goes around comes around" is true. I know it rang true for me this weekend.

[Sweetz]

Analyzer and StillHurtin

 

I thank you for your posts. I need to get back on my feet. I can't continue at this rate anymore. Thanks again.

[Sukotto]

Well confessing is the first step, don't you feel a bit better than this huge weight has been lifted? If you have any other secrets to tell him then this would be a good time btw. Tell him that you want to be honest abouy everything and no longer keep things from him.

 

You really need to get him to agree to go to a counselor with you, the only way you can start the healing process is if you start to resolve the issues which caused you to be unfaithful. If you don't then there's a good chance you'll end up in the same situation again or the marriage will simply end.

 

Giving up and running away is simply not the solution, you came clean and he should at least realise how hard that was for you to do.

[StillHurtin]

I agree, you both need to go to counseling. Either as a couple or as individuals. I think right now, to start, you should go to individual counseling so he can deal w/ what he is going through and also for you to find out why you cheated and to help you deal w/ all of the emotions you are going through right now. Then afterwards you need to start marriage counseling.

[reservoirdog1]

Sweetz, I told you in another post that you have to strap on your seatbelt and prepare for a rough ride. It's very true. Your husband's world as he knew it has just been destroyed. He's going to go through some extremes of emotion, and a lot of it will be downright ugly.

 

But, if you want to save your marriage, you must WEATHER THE STORM. I can't tell you anything that will make it easier, beyond the fact that many have been through this before you, and some couples come out of it with a relationship that's better in some ways. Things he says over the coming days and weeks will make you think that you're better off leaving him. But now is NOT the time to make those decisions. You have to let his initial wave of anger, shock, sorrow and disbelief wash over both of you before you make any decisions.

 

Who he is right now is probably not who he will be in a couple of months, as long as you are rededicating yourself to your marriage and doing everything you can to make it stronger and to help him heal. If you tuck tail and run over the next few weeks, he will resent you even more, and that resentment will be hard to overcome. My TBXWW didn't even want to work on the marriage, and as a result I'm left with massive resentment that probably won't go away any time soon.

 

Two more things:

 

1) If you haven't already, you need to make full disclosure of the other affairs now. Think you're going through hell now? Try to imagine going through that hell all over again in a few weeks, months or years when he learns the full truth. The wound will be ripped open again and you'll be back to square one. He'll have worked hard to start to trust you again, only to learn that there was more that he didn't know. And then, what you're both going through now will seem like a Swedish massage by comparison.

 

2) Any communication you receive from OM must be immediately told to your husband. If he phones you, you must hang up on him and immediately notify your husband. Any response must be categorical and clear that you do not want to hear from him again. If it's by email, your husband must be allowed to read it and you let him watch you send it. If it's by phone, he must be in the room with you when you do the call. And if OM tries to contact you again after that, you must immediately inform your husband. Anything you hide from him from this moment on is a cancer on your marriage.

[Sweetz]

You guys are all right about things. I am just afraid to face them all right now. But thanks for the words. I am reading every single word people are writing to me and taking it all in slowly. I appreciate it.

[Sweetz]

I apologize for my zillion posts. This is the only resource I currently have to deal with this so I am using it as much as I can. I am so sad right now. I feel I have cried a million tears this weekend. I am saddened right now because my husband is out at lunch by himself at our favorite restaurant when I should be there with him. Instead, I am eating frozen food dinner by myself

[StillHurtin]

Everyone has given you great advice, plz try to follow it. When my H had an A and broke it off w/ the OW she was constantly calling him or IM'ing him at work. He flat out told her that they can no longer have a friendship and if they need to talk it will only be about work related issues, nothing more. When she would call he wouldn't answer. You need to leave this OM alone. Change your phone number, change your email, do anything so he cannot contact you anymore. My H had his phone shut off b/c he moved back w/ me and our children and he had his cell phone number changed. We never had any problems w/ her contacting him again, TG!

 

I said some awful mean things to H when he had his A. I was so angry w/ him. I did a lot of nagging and bitching to him about the A. All he could do was sit there and listen. And if he would of became angry w/ me for bitching and nagging I wouldn't of took him back b/c I would of felt he was sticking up for the OW or the A. Your H is going to do a lot of yelling, asking a lot of ? and all you can do is listen and answer. It will be a rough road in the next several months.

 

I am sorry to be so harsh but right now I honestly don't feel sorry for you. You did this to yourself. Maybe I would be more understanding about your feelings if I was in your shoes but I know the pain that your H is going through. I know you are hurting for what you did but imagine what your H is going through. I can guarantee is going through a lot more hurt and pain than you are.

[Sweetz]

StillHurtin

 

Thanks for being real with me. I need it, seriously. I don't feel sorry for myself either. Like you said, I did this to us and now this is the consequences of it all. I am an adult, I have choices, and I made some bad ones so now I must own up to it. I am not running away from it. I want to fix things. I just know I can't do it alone. I will be in counseling soon for myself as everyone here has stated, I can't do this on my own. I need someone that I can talk to and have me help resolve our issues.

 

I will work on not getting angry towards my husband. Because you are right, he's entitled to his roller coaster emotions right now because I have just hit him with a ton of bricks. I should give him that courtesy at least.

 

As far as the OM, it's truly over. No more emails, phone calls or anything. He needs to know that it's over and that means no more contact with me. I will not lead him on at all. Once he feels rejected by me, I am certain he will move on and find another, unless I am wrong, but I don't think he will pursue me. I find that lately I am more convenient than anything else to him. He says jump, I say how high. Well, no more of that.

 

I will keep everyone posted as I make huge progress in this. Thanks to everyone. I really do appreciate this!

[StillHurtin]

I am glad that you have decided NC w/ the OM. It will be a lot easier to get your marriage back on track. I am also glad that you are going to get counseling. It will help to talk to someone about this.

 

Coming from the one that was cheated on I can tell you how hard it is. It will be 2 years in April since my H had his A. I wish I had this site to go to when it was going on. I had ppl I could talk to but no one knew the hurt and betrayal feelings I had. They didn't know what it was like to have a spouse cheat on them.

My H worked w/ the OW. It was so hard knowing he was going to work and seeing her 10 hours a day. He told me everything (or at least I hope he told me everything) that she said to him. They got into several arguements at work. She eventually got him fired (long story) but he has a lawsuit agains his old company. If anyone should of been fired it should of been both of them b/c he was her supervisor.

[sad hubby]

my wife has done the same thing to me execpt she didnt give me all the gory details dont do this if you havent but we are trying to work on us right now ill tell you i dont trust her as far as i can blink its real hard for me .but i think this was her way of telling me i was not doing my job in our marriage she says she wants to work on us and shes now saying again that she loves me..but man that rollercoaster ride suks bad..and you just have to be there for him let him know where you are call him on your cell when you leave work or the store.little things like this will help him relize your serious but be prepared i still am going through reciepts and phone logs and its been two months.my world as i knew it has collapsed and i feel anytime i might be getting papers served to me .do your self a favor and never do this again to him you have crushed him i know exactley how he feels..good luck

[reservoirdog1]

Sadhubby's right, Sweetz. Starting immediately, you have to make it very clear to your husband -- every day, and multiple times a day as needed -- how much you love him, how much you wish you could turn back the clock and undo it all, and how much you want to build a healthy, honest, loving marriage with him. Outwardly, he may not respond to this in a positive way at first, and it will be very tempting for you to conclude that you're best off just ending it. But, YOU MUST PERSEVERE. The more love, understanding, and commitment you show him now, even in the face of verbal ugliness, coldness or anger from him, the quicker you will start to see very positive results.

 

If you genuinely want the marriage to work, then you can't afford to let him see a lack of commitment on your part. I got that lack of commitment from TBXW; most of my efforts to keep her interested in reconciliation were half-hearted at best, or shot down completely.

 

One of the things that included, in my case -- and one that you must avoid -- is a lack of physical intimacy. TBXW told me that she didn't want to "fake it", she wanted the desire for intimacy to be genuine. Unfortunately, a sudden lack of sex was another nail in the coffin, because it told me that she was much happier being with somebody who wasn't me. Turns out, she was.

 

Take heed of what StillHurtin said. The sadness and disatisfaction you've felt in your marriage since the beginning? It hurt, didn't it? Try to imagine all that pain condensed into the span of the few days since you confessed. That's what your husband is feeling right now. He is in more emotional pain, right now, than you have ever been in at any single point in your life. You can't understand unless you've been there. But even though you can't understand it, please try to accept it as fact.

 

Get into counselling, both individual and couples', as soon as possible. He needs his own counsellor too. You should also be aware that, if he hasn't already, he may well consider suicide in the next few days or weeks. I looked up a suicide crisis hotline once, though I never used it. On another occasion I phoned a counselling service at about 1 am because I couldn't shut my mind off for long enough to go to sleep.

 

Finally, you must show him PATIENCE. Don't repeat some of the dumb, thoughtless things my TBXW told me:

 

1) A week or so after she confessed: "I didn't think it would affect your work." Um, yeah... well, having your guts slowly dragged out of your body tends to do that.

 

2) About a month and a half after she confessed: "I don't think you're ever going to get past it." WTF?

 

He's going to have ups and downs over the next many months, and you must be prepared for them, and not say stupid insensitive things to him. You must not get exasperated and try to justify your affairs, or tell him to "just get over it." Doing so won't help, it'll only hurt.

[StillHurtin]

Finally, you must show him PATIENCE. Don't repeat some of the dumb, thoughtless things my TBXW told me:

 

1) A week or so after she confessed: "I didn't think it would affect your work." Um, yeah... well, having your guts slowly dragged out of your body tends to do that.

 

2) About a month and a half after she confessed: "I don't think you're ever going to get past it." WTF?

 

He's going to have ups and downs over the next many months, and you must be prepared for them, and not say stupid insensitive things to him. You must not get exasperated and try to justify your affairs, or tell him to "just get over it." Doing so won't help, it'll only hurt.

 

It effected my work also. I had to end up closing my business and moving away to my hometown to get away from it all. I was always hearing from my friends who heard "A and T did this, A and T did that." I finally had to tell them to stop. I know they meant well and thought they were helping but I couldn't handle them telling me things that went on w/ H and the OW. Some rumors were true, some were false. Either way, I couldn't handle it anymore. It effected my job. I was always crying and could hardly function. One minute I was fine, the next I would break down in tears and sobbing that I had no control over.

 

My H said the samething to me " "I don't think you're ever going to get past it." And I agree, WTF?!?!?! I don't think you ever get over it. The pain lessens a little day by day but I don't think I will ever just get over it. I will always remember it. I wish I could erase it from my memory but we all know that can't happen. I guess what hurts me the most is that when "death do us part" comes around I am going to know that I was the only one in this marriage that was faithful. Ever since I met my H he was my one and only and to go to my grave knowing he had another W during our marriage both emotionally and physically hurts like he!!. Hopefully, this feeling soon shall pass.

[reservoirdog1]

most of my efforts to keep her interested in reconciliation were half-hearted at best, or shot down completely.

 

Oops, should have said my efforts were RECEIVED half-heartedly at best. Believe me, my efforts must have looked pretty desperate.

 

My bad...

[Owl]

Sweetz- I have to agree with the advice you've been given, and I can well imagine what it's like in your house right now. Remember, all of us responding to your posts so far have been in this situation in one way or another.

 

As far as the yelling and anger- don't be surprised. I went on a rampage when I finally discovered what was going on (my wife didn't confess...I found it in her IM chat sessions I logged when I suspected). When I confronted her, she told me that he bought her plane tickets to go live with him. And she wanted to go. I yelled, I screamed, I cried. I destroyed our entire back yard with my hands and feet. I broke any number of things that were "ours", or were gifts from her. Luckily, my wife never truly felt threatened at the time. (

we've been married 17 years...and she knows me well. I would never attack her, and she knew that...now if the OM ever shows up...).

 

Your anger at him...it's not logicial, but it happens. Realistically, there's no way you can stand there and take what he's saying to you and NOT get angry, even if you did earn and deserve it. BUT, you have the choice to stop and think about it and NOT respond with it. My wife was mad at me for a long time...and I couldn't understand it at the time. After all...I wasn't the one who screwed up, why was she mad at me?!?! But, if you think about it, your anger is a normal response. But you're NOT justified in retaliating or to try to make him see that.

 

Resevoirdog is right on with how to handle contacts with the OM. My wife DIDN'T do that...she made a big production of keeping her IM sessions open until I got home so I could see them...but she didn't admit to me that she had called him twice during that time!! I found out about it a few weeks ago (we just hit our six month anniversary of the discovery), and it was a bad setback for me. She feels like this should be "over with"...but when I find new things out, it can't be. So, ALL of your communication with the OM should be done with your husband's knowledge and consent. NO MORE HIDING ANYTHING!!! Same thing with the rest of the story...you need to get it out in the open ASAP. If you wait, and your husband finds out later, the trust will be well and truly destroyed beyond rebuilding.

 

My thoughts would be to try to get into counseling...both joint and seperate. Immediately. And during the joint session...come totally clean about the other affairs. It might not feel good to do it with a third person present, but it might help if they can "referree" for the two of you a little.

 

Realize this...your marriage will NEVER be like it was again. You have effectively destroyed that relationship for all time. At this point, what you CAN hope for is to rebuild an even better relationship in the future. My wife and I are doing a lot better now, and we've made some huge progress. But I still worry that she might be continuing the affair...or that she might start back up in the future. You're husband just learned two things that he never knew before...that he is "disposable", and that your marriage really wasn't any better than anyone else's marriage. We all maintain those fictions, right up until something like this happens. And that reality is a very, very tough thing to face.

 

Good luck...I do hope that things get better for the both of you, and that you two can work it out. I do hope that you remain committed to the changes you're making in your life.

[Joyce]

Sweetz,

 

I am sorry to hear you had a bad weekend. Your husband is very confused and angry right now. He needs time to get all of this straightened out in his head. Does he have a friend or someone that he is talking too? My H was very angry for a long time. You have to expect that... we deserve it. My H even hit me once. Be careful.. hopefully your H won't do that. No one deserves to be hit.

 

I know you have so many emotions. Personally I think it's best to be as strong as you can around your H. Don't let him know how angry you are. He won't understand. When he is around do your best to show how much you love him. Tell him you love him as much as you can. Apologize and let him know how sorry you are. I wrote a letter to my H and told him how terrible I felt for what I did. Do everything you can to try to rest his thoughts of wondering if your still cheating on him. Be honest to him about everything you do.

 

The next several weeks will be the hardest. You will feel very alone, sad & depressed. It takes time but it will get easier. You can take this experience and grow from it. Dig deep inside... remind yourself of what is really important in life.

 

This other man is a fantasy. He knew how to manipulate you. He used you. You deserve so much better.

 

Has your husband agreed to go to counseling with you? You really need to call and make an appointment today.

[Cecelius]

Speaking as a man, and I think this is true for most men, physical cheating by the woman you've committed yourself to seems to me like emotional catration. It's a little like your wife overhearing you tell her bestfriend that you love the best friend, she's a much better person than your wife, and, by the way, not nearly as fat or ugly and dumpy as your wife is.

 

Basically, you've got no bargaining room with him (of course you can withdraw and maybe that's for the best -- me, I'd walk away if I was the husband), so I think you need to let him be angry.

[Sweetz]

Thanks everyone. I have a lot of work and thinking ahead to do.

[Owl]

Well, keep us posted and know that we hope everything works out for you!!

[johnnyl321]

aww, poor $%#@^%^ you! maybe you shoulda thought about someone else's feelings before you opened your legs up. ya oughta be thankful he didn't take a baseball bat upside your head. if that sounds a little cold and callous, don't you think what you did felt the same way to him? i think most guys do try very hard to please their women, and what do more than half of you do? you run off to be with some other swinging dick because "we just don't communicate like we used to"

boo hoo-- maybe i'm sounding a little old school about this, but i think either party cheating deserves the worst.

if by the grace of god, your husband does forgive you, keep this in mind. he'll never forget it. every time he closes his eyes, he's gonna see you going down on someone else, wrapping your arms around someone else and it's gonna hurt him for a helluva lot longer than you'll ever realize. your marriage is over. say goodbye chump. and for the guy that "manipulated" you, did he say all the same things your husband used to say to you when you first started dating? did he make you feel "special"?

next time you feel like cheating, throw in a porn movie and masturbate.

[DayumQuitPlayin]

Originally posted by johnnyl321

aww, poor $%#@^%^ you! maybe you shoulda thought about someone else's feelings before you opened your legs up. ya oughta be thankful he didn't take a baseball bat upside your head. if that sounds a little cold and callous, don't you think what you did felt the same way to him? i think most guys do try very hard to please their women, and what do more than half of you do? you run off to be with some other swinging dick because "we just don't communicate like we used to"

boo hoo-- maybe i'm sounding a little old school about this, but i think either party cheating deserves the worst.

if by the grace of god, your husband does forgive you, keep this in mind. he'll never forget it. every time he closes his eyes, he's gonna see you going down on someone else, wrapping your arms around someone else and it's gonna hurt him for a helluva lot longer than you'll ever realize. your marriage is over. say goodbye chump. and for the guy that "manipulated" you, did he say all the same things your husband used to say to you when you first started dating? did he make you feel "special"?

next time you feel like cheating, throw in a porn movie and masturbate.

 

Dayum ...that wuz Foul. Yea.. I don't like cheaters.. but shieeet.. You aint had ta say all that to her. Yea she messed up.. but I can tell by what she's saying/feeling that she's not out there trying to hoe around.

 

Anyways mama.. I wish you the Best.. hopefully all goes well fa you

[reservoirdog1]

I have to admit... when I first read Sweetz's original post, I was tempted to respond largely as johnnyl321 did. And, naturally I don't disagree that she behaved abysmally. There was no excuse for what she did.

 

But, that being said... what I read was some pretty genuine sounding contrition. And not just "I'm sorry", but "I'm sorry and I want to do whatever it takes to make it up to my husband and be the kind of partner he deserves." So I gather, she also managed to muster up enough courage to come clean to him WITHOUT being found out first. She could have kept on going, happily having affair after affair, and her husband might never have found out. Nobody had a gun to her head, threatening to tell her husband if she didn't confess. She made a difficult decision and seems willing to accept the consequences and do the work she must now do.

 

Also, I think she's acknowledged how difficult the next weeks and months are going to be. I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt that she'll persevere.

 

It's a bit odd that I'm typing this, because I have a pretty low tolerance for cheating. In my own situation, before TBXW dropped the bomb on me 15 months ago, I'd have thought that, if cheated on, I'd be out the door. But then it actually happened to me, and surprise surprise, I wanted to rebuild with her if at all possible. I was willing to try to do that.

 

But she wasn't. Plus, she only came clean about her infidelity because she knew I'd find out from others if she didn't. And it's those facts that separate Sweetz from my TBXW. Sweetz has demonstrated a degree of courage that's pretty rare among those who cheat. It's strange to think that I have more respect for Sweetz -- who I've never even met -- than I have for a person I was married to for seven years. Mostly because, unlike my TBXW, Sweetz isn't taking the easy way out, and she wants to make amends and fix what she damaged.

 

The future for her is uncertain, but given the circumstances she's started off on the right foot.