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Wife cheated, trying to reconcile, do I tell the AP's wife?


VeryBrokenMan

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VeryBrokenMan

I really feel bad for the AP's wife and feel like she deserves to know that her husband is a low life creep. My marriage and been severely damaged if not destroyed and the AP's life goes on. So I guess there is a revenge factor that would be going on. But I also I ask myself If I would want to know and the answer is always yes.

 

My wife does not want me to expose the affair, she is afraid it will be posted all over facebook if it is exposed.

 

We are trying to reconcile and she is doing everything she can to salvage the marriage. I'm not convinced that I want to remain married but I'm giving her a chance.

 

Is there a consensus on what should happen?

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evanescentworld
I really feel bad for the AP's wife and feel like she deserves to know that her husband is a low life creep. My marriage and been severely damaged if not destroyed and the AP's life goes on. So I guess there is a revenge factor that would be going on. But I also I ask myself If I would want to know and the answer is always yes.

That's really not a straight-thinking motivation.

I agree that the affair should be exposed, but that would be in the interests of honesty, integrity and the dignity of the BS.

Perhaps you should seriously consider contacting him and telling him that unless he comes clean and confesses to his wife, you will do it for him.

Give him a fortnight.

 

But think about this carefully.

It is ultimately the possible destruction of another person's whole existence, you're contemplating here.

 

My wife does not want me to expose the affair, she is afraid it will be posted all over facebook if it is exposed.
I'm afraid as far as that goes, when you're guilty of such actions you have to face the flak, and deal with the aftermath.

You play with fire, you'll feel the heat....

 

We are trying to reconcile and she is doing everything she can to salvage the marriage. I'm not convinced that I want to remain married but I'm giving her a chance.

No, no, no, no, no.... She cannot do this alone. You cannot put that all on her shoulders. This has to be a fully-committed joint effort.

Sure, there is the element of Trust to work on. But you can't feel one thing, and go through with her doing the major work. Can't be done.

 

Is there a consensus on what should happen?

Ultimately, you MUST weigh up all your options, examine your motives, and think about the bigger picture. (With regard to exposing your wife's AP.)

 

However, while she is blatantly, obviously and totally guilty of cheating, the RESPONSIBILITY for the care, well-being, maintenance and upkeep of your marriage falls neatly in both your and your wife's camp, equally.

 

You BOTH have to work on the damage.

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I really feel bad for the AP's wife and feel like she deserves to know that her husband is a low life creep. My marriage and been severely damaged if not destroyed and the AP's life goes on. So I guess there is a revenge factor that would be going on. But I also I ask myself If I would want to know and the answer is always yes.

 

My wife does not want me to expose the affair, she is afraid it will be posted all over facebook if it is exposed.

 

We are trying to reconcile and she is doing everything she can to salvage the marriage. I'm not convinced that I want to remain married but I'm giving her a chance.

 

Is there a consensus on what should happen?

 

 

There's no universal agreement but I think you'll find most betrayed spouses, who haven't had affairs themselves, say expose, and most people who have had affairs say don't expose.

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Tell the wife.

 

Many wayward spouses will often protect the AP and the affair. The AP by doing what your wife is doing trying to prevent you from telling and the affair because its harder to go underground with both spouses watching.

 

Honestly, this isn't a fight your WW should be fighting as her focus should be helping to heal and overcome what she has done and not protecting her AP.

 

I think if you hold firm and she truly wants to save the marriage she won't protest too much.

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and most people who have had affairs say don't expose.

And most people who have survived affairs say that exposing was part of the healing process.

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VeryBrokenMan

However, while she is blatantly, obviously and totally guilty of cheating, the RESPONSIBILITY for the care, well-being, maintenance and upkeep of your marriage falls neatly in both your and your wife's camp, equally.

 

You BOTH have to work on the damage.

 

I understand that completely and we've worked through a lot of things regarding issues in our marriage. I'm not convinced that I can let go of it and make it work, that's all.

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evanescentworld

Have you considered individual counselling, to straighten out your thoughts? Difficult with her sitting next to you....

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VeryBrokenMan

We both have been in IC for 3 months. We tried two sessions of MC a week after DDAY and that was a disaster. We plan to try MC again at some point.

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But I also I ask myself If I would want to know and the answer is always yes.

 

 

so if you have a right to know doesn't she?

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If confessing helps heal you, then your wife should be on board. I think that excuse she gave was a load of crap. I think at some level she is still protecting her AP. What specifically has your wife done to help you? Also, did she give any reasons for her affair? Lastly, do you believe she is genuinely remorseful? It sounds like to me that she got bored with being with the same person for 30 years, so she found someone else. Fog or no fog, the way she treated you when you exposed the affair was utterly atrocious. If you want my opinion, your wife is just doing damage control. Her biggest regret was getting caught, not the affair. Honestly, I would not doubt that wasn't the first time she cheated. She is trying to fix this, because she knows she won't have anyone. To me, you can't R with someone like that. Last question, are you in counseling?

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Do you know the AP and his wife? If not why is FB an issue? Honestly, just get rid of it all together for this time or crack down on your security options. It will help avoid any fb drama the wife wouldnpotentially create. She may be trying to protect him OR she may be very ashamed and genuinly fear a fb backlash. Tell her to stop worrying about other people's biased opinions and focus on you.

 

As far as telling.

 

I am always for doing what you truly would want. Put yourself in the wife's situation and then go about telling or not telling in a way you would have prefered. It may not be exactly how she feels but it has a lot more compassion and empathy to it than blasting in out of revenge.

 

I'd avoid calling him names TO HER though. Smacks of blame shifting. Unless you call both your spouses the same names

"I thought you should know what OUR low life spouses have been up to."

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VeryBrokenMan
Do you know the AP and his wife? If not why is FB an issue?

 

She is friends with the wife on FB.

 

I'd avoid calling him names TO HER though. Smacks of blame shifting. Unless you call both your spouses the same names

"I thought you should know what OUR low life spouses have been up to."

 

Absolutely true. I still don't think of her that way but should.

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VeryBrokenMan
Her biggest regret was getting caught, not the affair. Honestly, I would not doubt that wasn't the first time she cheated.

 

Last question, are you in counseling?

 

Yeah, she did use those exact words. And no I'm afraid this might not be the first time. I know there was at least an emotional affair about 10 years ago.

 

We both have been seeing an IC since the start.

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If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want the OM's wife to inform you that your wife was sleeping with her husband? How can you not inform the wife????

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Yeah, she did use those exact words. And no I'm afraid this might not be the first time. I know there was at least an emotional affair about 10 years ago.

 

We both have been seeing an IC since the start.

 

You need to tell the OBS. Your wife should have thought of the consequences before engaging in the affair.

The other BS may not want the whole world to know about the A, but if she chooses to, that's her perogative.

 

Your wife won't feel the full force of what she's done by keeping it from his wife.

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You need to tell the OBS. Your wife should have thought of the consequences before engaging in the affair.

The other BS may not want the whole world to know about the A, but if she chooses to, that's her perogative.

 

Your wife won't feel the full force of what she's done by keeping it from his wife.

 

This^^^^.

 

That's part of "paying the piper". Why should his wife not get to choose whether to stay with the scum that cheated on her too?

 

baru

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My WS chose a single, divorced, former BH for her A. Another way of putting it is a BH whose wife left him for her AP sought a MW for his first post D relationship.

 

I dont have the choice to tell or not to tell in this case, and it therefore isn't part of the healing process. In the beginning of Recovery (not the same as reconciliation) I wanted to out him to the entire world. Once I moved into reconciliation behaviours, im not so interested in having large numbers of people inside the loop.

 

But there is some real value in her knowing if you think there is any chance whatsoever, or risk, that they might reconnect. In my case my WS continued to work in the same building (university) as her AP, but did not have, and still maintains NC.

 

its a very tough call. I think all life changing decisions that have to do with infidelity should be taken very slowly and at some reasonable emotional distance from dday.

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I would make it a condition of the reconciliation that she not only confesses all of it but she always contacts her AP's BS and tells her in front of you. This can be done over the phone or even a letter that you send. She has to own up to what she has done. If she does not then there is a chance she is just protecting the OM and that really means your wasting your time trying to repair a marriage that is already gone.

 

Your wife should be doing all the heavy lifting.

 

I feel bad for you but your know going to have to start focusing on protecting yourself. Its no longer about her. If she suffers while your reconciling that is her fault not yours.

 

I personally don't suggest ever staying with a cheater. Your never going to be able to trust her again and the next time things are not going so well this will be the thing that haunts you.

 

Life is so much better when you move on with someone that actually loves you and wants to be with you and only you.

 

Im really sorry you are going through this. It really is heartbreaking.

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TrustedthenBusted

I never know what to say about this situation. But I can tell you this... if you think there is even a remote possibility that your wife and this a-hole are gonna start up again behing your back... telling HIS wife may help you sleep at night.

 

Still no guarantees, but at least you'd have someone else out there just as interested in ending this bull as you are.

 

If my wifes OM was married, you better believe I would have jacked his world up.

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The other betrayed spouse deserves to know the truth about the person she is married to. Imagine if she knew and never told you and the affair went underground for another couple of years, how would you feel? Her health is at risk because they always lie about using protection. This may not be his first rodeo.

 

Exposure is a consequence of the treason they performed on your marriage. I doubt he thought about you while he was going all porn star with your wife, give him the same courtesy he gave you. If your wife is really remorseful she will agree to all terms you require to stay in the marriage including telling his wife. There are 4 of you in this infidelity, one of you doesn't know it yet and by keeping this information from her you indirectly become their accomplice. It is absolutely the right thing to do. If someone hadn't told me I would still be raising O/M's child.

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My wife does not want me to expose the affair, she is afraid it will be posted all over facebook if it is exposed.

 

She is protecting her MM. Your reconciliation is a sham.

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Yes, you should expose him. His BS needs to understand what she is living with and protect herself.

 

Why the heck is your BS friends with her OMs BS on facebook. I would first insure this is no longer the case. This allows your BS have access/exposure to his life which is not part of a NC agreement.

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Yeah, she did use those exact words. And no I'm afraid this might not be the first time. I know there was at least an emotional affair about 10 years ago.

 

So how many times does she have to cheat before you say enough? Three? Four? Half dozen? Look the reason she cheated this time is because you didn't do enough when she had the first one and it doesn't matter if it was a EA or PA, it's still cheating and you should have brought the hammer down on her the first time and put her on notice that she's walking on eggs and let her do all the heavy lifting. Somewhere along the lines she must have thought that if she got away with it once, she can do it again.

 

One other thing. If someone saw your wife cheating and say it was the OM wife, wouldn't you want to know?. Now your wife is worried about it getting the word out all over face book and the internet. Whose fault is that? If she would keep her knees together none of this would have happened.

 

She has to be told that if she wants the marriage to work then she has to be the one doing the heavy lifting and prove she wants it and if she has the slightest doubt about it, then stop wasting your money on IC or MC and spend it on a lawyer.

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Consider me another vote for exposure to the OM's wife. The fact is that she deserves to be able to make an informed decision about how to move forward with her life. I did it and have no regrets whatsoever.

 

If you don't believe she deserves to know, I can only wonder how long she deserves to be left in a situation where she's committing her life to someone that's playing single, lying to her face, cheating on her, and exposing her to STDs. That's the indefinite sentence she gets if no one steps up and does the right thing. How many years of that go on before she deserves to know?

 

A previous poster mentioned that cheaters (typically) support keeping the secret and the betrayed spouses support exposure. The arguments against exposure are typically that it's "not your place" to be in the middle of their marriage (which is both a curious and ironic argument) and that it will "destroy" someone's life. What's always interesting to me is that so many betrayed spouses (who are intimately aware of how that destruction feels) are the ones who insist that it's necessary. You'd think that we'd say it's too painful and they should be protected from such a trauma. But with very rare exception, it doesn't play out that way. That's because we understand that BSs deserve and need to move forward with their lives with real information after having been atrociously lied to by the one person that they should have been able to trust to have their back. Giving them the truth is paramount because the rest of their life hangs in the balance. The pain of the revelation is temporary.

 

Where I would give you caution is about the extent of the exposure. When an affair occurs, it's a natural and predictable consequence for one betrayed spouse to empathize with and expose the affair to the other betrayed spouse. There should be no expectation that a BS would protect the affair partners. However, what I do not endorse is widespread exposure. Don't buy into a bunch of craziness in seeking revenge and punishment by imposing artificial consequences. Keep your wits about you and preserve your integrity and self-control. Let the other people do crazy sh*t; you just do what's right. And that includes gently informing the other BS.

 

BH's $.02 for today.

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Is this the same wife you let contact the OM for "closure" and she told him she still loved him and only regrets getting caught and that she was going to lie to you????

 

 

why does she have the right to tell you what to do about anything??

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