jnel921 Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 So today I picked up a new wedding band that I purchased for my H. I really feel that the one he is wearing is bull**** since he broke our vows and conveniently took it off when he had his A. Its been over 2 years since D-Day and I want to present him with this ring. I want him to make a new promise to me before I give this to him. I want the ring to be a surprise and a symbol of the love he has recaptured. Just not sure what to say. I will give this to on him Christmas morning when he gets home from work. I am not sure if it is as simple as saying I'd like a new promise. Any suggestions? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 I think its a great thing your doing. Having a relationship after a affair is clearly a new relationship so why not have a new ring to stand for this. I sure hopes he appreciates your thoughts on this. It truly is a great gift. I hope you both have a great Christmas. Clay 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 Any suggestions? How about an updated and personalized version of wedding vows, perhaps changed in some way meaningful to the two of you. Would a re-commitment ceremony be too over the top ? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
betrayedandhurting Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 It's a good thing you are doing. For me I felt it backwards, the ring my wife wore was my promise TO HER so she doesn't need a new one for her betrayal. It's MY ring that needed to be replaced because it was her broken promise to ME. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 Thats a wonderful and very loving thing to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 I have a feeling that if you present the ring to him, he'll make a promise on his own. It may not be exactly what you envision but it'll be from him instead of from you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 Have you discussed a recommit promise with him? I think it is a great idea. I am just worried if you are going to spring this on him and it wont be what you want. My suggest would be to tell him you would really like new vows for Christmas - but ask him to present it (his new vow) to you on new years eve at a nice place. After (when) he gives you the new vow - you whip out the ring. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Be_Strong Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 I like the idea of a recommitment and new ring. But, something feels really off about what you are suggesting. The whole idea about making a new commitment and getting a new ring should be a gift from him to you, not the other way around. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 This may sound corny, but I would say something like this: "This ring represents a new journey and commitment, I hope you take it with me." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jnel921 Posted December 24, 2014 Author Share Posted December 24, 2014 It's a good thing you are doing. For me I felt it backwards, the ring my wife wore was my promise TO HER so she doesn't need a new one for her betrayal. It's MY ring that needed to be replaced because it was her broken promise to ME. I put that ring on his finger and as far as I am concerned he took it off and betrayed everything it stood for. I never looked at it the same way again. Especially when the OW sent me a pic where they took a selfie in front of a mirror where he had his arm around her waist and his ring finger was bare. After my decision to R and work on us I didn't tell him for over a year and a half that I loved him. When I finally did he cried like a baby. I think that as a BS confirming our love is important. I think giving him this ring shows him that I am really in it for the long run. I guess I need a new promise. I get that some of this may sound backward, but I think its important to take these necessary steps. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jnel921 Posted December 24, 2014 Author Share Posted December 24, 2014 I have a feeling that if you present the ring to him, he'll make a promise on his own. It may not be exactly what you envision but it'll be from him instead of from you. I may use Realist's suggestion. I did like that intro. I think you may be right BH. He should come up with his own promises without me having to say it. I really do want this to come from him. The ring seals the deal...lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author jnel921 Posted December 24, 2014 Author Share Posted December 24, 2014 This may sound corny, but I would say something like this: "This ring represents a new journey and commitment, I hope you take it with me." I love this. And its not. I think this is exactly what I want to say. Thanks!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jnel921 Posted December 24, 2014 Author Share Posted December 24, 2014 How about an updated and personalized version of wedding vows, perhaps changed in some way meaningful to the two of you. Would a re-commitment ceremony be too over the top ? Mr. Lucky We didn't share what happened with anyone. So a recommitment ceremony at this time would be suspect to my family. I could understand at 20 years of M but we are going on 12 His words are what I will hold most important. I hope he says the right ones. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 I too can't help feeling this is a bit off. If you had been the one to cheat, I could see it. But he cheated and you..are giving him a ring? For me that almost seems like you are saying what happens was okay. Link to post Share on other sites
Red123 Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 I too can't help feeling this is a bit off. If you had been the one to cheat, I could see it. But he cheated and you..are giving him a ring? For me that almost seems like you are saying what happens was okay. She's not excusing what he did. It has been 2 years and they are moving forward. This is ok, I'm sure that the work they have done over the past two years has shown him that what he did was never or will never be ok. I think the BS in reconciliation has to show they are committed to and if he has earned this, this is a really nice way to show that. Also those of us in R often find our relationships are like new ones so it can also be committing to the new relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jnel921 Posted December 25, 2014 Author Share Posted December 25, 2014 So I gave him the card and it read " Today begins a new journey, a new promise... will you take this journey with me?" (Thanks Realist!) I gave him the ring and he began to cry. As BetrayedH said he gave me a his own promises and added a few I didn't expect. It was a wonderful moment. He loved the ring and even promised it would never come off. A happy day! 13 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 Congrats! Sounds lovely, glad it went well. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 She's not excusing what he did. It has been 2 years and they are moving forward. This is ok, I'm sure that the work they have done over the past two years has shown him that what he did was never or will never be ok. I think the BS in reconciliation has to show they are committed to and if he has earned this, this is a really nice way to show that. Also those of us in R often find our relationships are like new ones so it can also be committing to the new relationship. I get all that, and I still feel that he should be the one giving her the ring, he is the one who messed up, not her. Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 So today I picked up a new wedding band that I purchased for my H. I really feel that the one he is wearing is bull**** since he broke our vows and conveniently took it off when he had his A. Its been over 2 years since D-Day and I want to present him with this ring. I want him to make a new promise to me before I give this to him. I want the ring to be a surprise and a symbol of the love he has recaptured. Just not sure what to say. I will give this to on him Christmas morning when he gets home from work. I am not sure if it is as simple as saying I'd like a new promise. Any suggestions? I'm not sure by *you* giving him a ring why you would expect him to make a promise to you. I imagine that is a symbol of him giving a ring to you. "Here, I'm going to give you this gift but you need to promise me something...." sounds off. I bought a chain for my H after his infidelity and put *my* ring on it. I told him to think of a right time to give it back to me. It then hung on his neck as a reminder of what he must do to make that promise. I didn't want it back on my finger until he was ready to put it back on sincerely *when the moment was right*. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 I'm not sure by *you* giving him a ring why you would expect him to make a promise to you. I imagine that is a symbol of him giving a ring to you. "Here, I'm going to give you this gift but you need to promise me something...." sounds off. I agree. It was his place to get a second ring and give you a new promise with it. I personally think it's a joke as he didn't take the first one seriously, so why would he take this one seriously? Especially since he wasn't even the one to suggest it. His "crying like a baby" is nothing and no guarantee that he won't do it again. I'm sorry but I think the symbolic ring thing - once it is stomped on and violated - is broken forever. A "forever" promise should not require two takes. I counted - I have 11 friends/co-workers over the past several years who have had "recommit" ceremonies (either public or private). Eight of them are now divorced, and one on the way. Not that it can't work, but I think it is rare, and the re-promise and ring was HIS place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 (edited) It sounds a little like when you pick up and move away from a bad situation but that seems to work out like: "wherever you go; there you are". I hope you get the closure on the old & awakening of the new you are hoping for. You are still struggling and I hope this tactic opens up some new avenue toward acceptance. Edited December 27, 2014 by drifter777 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 Does it really matter what the post infidelity ring etiquette is? Nobody is saying to people getting engaged "hey guys, it's a gamble if you make it or not". She's hopeful, she trusts him, it was a nice moment for them. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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