Getting over Double Betrayal...how- BF & H

[DbleBetrayal]

Hello, I am new here... 4 years ago my husband cheated on me with my now ex-bestfriend during a rocky time in our relationship. They met up in private 4 times before it happened in public to 'catch up' (talk **** about me and her partner- my 'bestfriend' was having relationship problems of her own at the time) and had sex once- (on the side of the road in the middle of the night at my party and again on my couch that same night after I had fallen asleep!!). Yes, he admitted all details.

 

He kept it hidden and I only found out through a mutual friend 4 months after it happened. I found out it was a one off, but the kicker was that he was emailing her after the incident saying that he has feelings for her and would leave me to be with her, and my ex-bestfriend replied to him saying that it was a mistake and she regrets it and just wants to be friends again.

 

Neither less he kept asking her and staying in contact with her through emails for well over a month after it happened. My ex-bestfriend showed me the emails at my demand. When I found out I immediately moved out, and broke up I was so hurt. We were split up for about a year, and within this year he was begging, crying for me to come back and that he hadn't slept for days etc. I still loved him, I couldn't just turn it off. So I went back a year and a half later after he proposed again, and he wanted to renew our vowels and start fresh in a different state.

 

So for the next two years we lived in a new state and started a fresh and it has gone well since.... However, we've been back to our state of origin, and coming back here has filled me with a flood of memories of what he did to me. It stings all over again like as if it just happened. I find myself quietly angry at him- images of him being sneaky having sex with my ex-bestfriends and than wanting to leave me for her. Is it fair to ask him, now 4 years later, why he did that to me? I feel hurt all over again inside.

 

I also have severe trust issues with people. I don't want to make new friends, I don't trust anyone. How do I cope? Is a delayed reaction to cheating, yeaaaars after it happen normal? I think back now, and see that I totally didn't deserve that. How do I cope. Has anyone else here ever been through a double betrayal? How do I stop the re-newed anxiety/anger over what happened so long ago?

 

I can't help now realising I could have been just a 'Plan B' in his life and how could he DO that to me! Why. Since I took him back 2 1/2 years ago I haven't really thought about it much, everything's been great. Our communication is much better than ever, but the last 5 months or so it's been REALLY playing on my mind. I HATE it. I even re-hashed it all out with him again (haven't done that since I first found out 4 years ago!) and he put up with all the questioning and whys, etc again. I know he truly feels remorse, but why am I triggered again so deeply 4 years later? What can I do?

 

Any help on how to cope?

[harrybrown]

I hope he is remorseful.

 

What books have you and your H read? Have you gone to counseling?

 

You can not get thru this without him with remorse.(full of remorse)

 

the flooding of emotions is too tough to control if he is not trying.

 

It will take time.

 

(years).. Sorry for your pain.

[DbleBetrayal]

I hope he is remorseful.

 

What books have you and your H read? Have you gone to counseling?

 

You can not get thru this without him with remorse.(full of remorse)

 

the flooding of emotions is too tough to control if he is not trying.

 

It will take time.

 

(years).. Sorry for your pain.

 

We haven't read ANy books?? No counselling either... I didn't think I needed that, but now it's just hit me again.. weirdly delayed reaction... How else can he show his remorse? I feel weird about bringing it up, even though I have been every couple of months over the last 6 months. In fact over the past 6 months, not a day goes past were I don't think about it. I told him this. He hugs me and truley looks crest fallen.

 

It sux how he probably doesn't even think about it anymore... a mistake... yet it messed me up in a big way... it impacted on me socially. I trust nobody anymore, I second guess people's intentions. I've even started to really hate people in general. My ex-bestfriend disrespecting that much, and than also finding out a bunch of other friends knew about the fling too, but never told me. Makes me sick.

Edited November 19, 2014 by DbleBetrayal

[Gofsttrnlft]

It sux how he probably doesn't even think about it anymore... a mistake... yet it messed me up in a big way... it impacted on me socially. I trust nobody anymore, I second guess people's intentions. I've even started to really hate people in general. My ex-bestfriend disrespecting that much, and than also finding out a bunch of other friends knew about the fling too, but never told me. Makes me sick.

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this. My story is about an exact match to yours except I was downstairs sleeping at the OM's house. It was tough finding out what my W and so called BF did and then losing almost my entire friend base as well, all in one night. Talk about a freight train right!? I wish there was something I could say to make your distrust of people go away, but I am right there with you. It does not consume me but I am very very wary of people. It is an amazing relief for me when we do spend time with our current friends and nothing devastating happens.

 

I have started IC again for many different recent triggers. I have found out through this process that my distrust of people is caused by more than what my W and so called friends did to me, and that realization has eased my distrust some. However, my spidey senses are always activated and I do not think they will ever shut off.

 

I do not know if counseling is a good fit for you or not, but maybe give it a go. Anyone who really knows me will tell you that I am a mentally strong person. I am not strong enough to work through what has happened to me without help though. Maybe you are not either...

[jm2013]

I'm sorry you're going through this. This further confirms what I thought. Infidelity is there to linger on through the duration of your marriage until it ends or until one of you dies. Wit that being said, I think it is indeed normal. In the beginning you don't want to think it is real and you take so long to process what had happened. Then when you regain your clarity you see how disgusting and disrespectful it was. Then you start asking yourself if this person is worth the pain. Would it be easier to invest in somebody who has not betrayed you on such levels? A person who values your time and really does love you and would never hurt you like that. Do they exist?

 

I'm a year out from my wife's affair and have different types of growing emotions. I'm also in your same position. Things are great on my end as well. Better communication, no arguing or anything. I just have emotions that are growing that seem to be out of my control. I have started to wonder if they would grow so much to completely make me fall out of love with my wife and want to just end it.

[thummper]

Great for you to have taken him back and spending a lot of time trying to reconnect! I wouldn't have been able to be at all forgiving had my wife chosen to have sex with another man. Our marriage would have ended immediately upon me finding out. It would have forever destroyed any desire I would have had to stay with her and "work out our problems." As far as I would have been concerned, the only one with problems would have been her, so leave me out of it. From your description your husband sounded highly remorseful and desperate to be with you again. That's all well and good, but sometimes, though, it isn't enough, is it? Getting those mental images of him getting it on with another woman out of your head can prove to be impossible. I feel really badly for the situation you find yourself in. You two have some incredibly hard decisions to make, and I wish you all the best.

[HereNorThere]

I think you just have to decide whether or not he's worth all the pain he has caused and will continue to cause you. Time will heal some of your wounds, but I don't you'll ever really be at peace. Even if you can forgive, I'll doubt you'll ever forget.

 

Just because he feels familiar doesn't mean he's right for you. Eventually, you'll move and find a person who doesn't treat you this way, but for now you'll have to carry around dead weight. I think most of have been there, but some made their way out.

 

This is who is he is and what he is capable of. Accept it and live with the pain or move on.

[whichwayisup]

Did you two do marriage counseling?

 

Since he has proven to you he's trustworthy again, you gave him that chance, do talk to him about how you're feeling. Let him ease your worries, let him continue to show you, you made the right choice by allowing him back.

 

Being back in that State has drudged up painful memories, so talking to someone (counselor) to help you cope with them will do a lot of good.

 

It takes both spouses to 100% commit and invest again. And it's okay if you've changed your mind. Some things one cannot ever get past. Some things are what they are.

[Clay]

Your never going to feel fully healed until you realize your full worth. It sounds like you have not dealt with the betrayal and you have just tried to move past it. Sadly it does not work that way. You will either have to start working on it but you need to realize you may not like where this takes you. Not everyone wants to stay with the WS once they come to terms of the full betrayal. I wasted many years of my life trying to heal with no help.

 

I personally recommend you get into counseling. I don't think you should ever stay with a cheater. Its never worth it. Your always going to feel like your second because that is really what you are to your husband.

 

I am really sorry you are going through this.

 

Clay

[DbleBetrayal]

This is who is he is and what he is capable of. Accept it and live with the pain or move on.

 

The truth in that really hurts.

[DbleBetrayal]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. My story is about an exact match to yours except I was downstairs sleeping at the OM's house. It was tough finding out what my W and so called BF did and then losing almost my entire friend base as well, all in one night. Talk about a freight train right!? I wish there was something I could say to make your distrust of people go away, but I am right there with you. It does not consume me but I am very very wary of people. It is an amazing relief for me when we do spend time with our current friends and nothing devastating happens.

 

I have started IC again for many different recent triggers. I have found out through this process that my distrust of people is caused by more than what my W and so called friends did to me, and that realization has eased my distrust some. However, my spidey senses are always activated and I do not think they will ever shut off.

 

I do not know if counseling is a good fit for you or not, but maybe give it a go. Anyone who really knows me will tell you that I am a mentally strong person. I am not strong enough to work through what has happened to me without help though. Maybe you are not either...

 

How did you find out? A friend.. or did you actually wake up in walk in on it? I haven't done counselling. I self-counselled for a year afterwards when I split with him- with alcohol, partying and dating other guys. Didn't work. Because everything was done out of aggression and vengeance. I did have some good times during that year, it was like springbreak at times don't get me wrong. But I think all the partying and romances was a band-aid solution to what I'd actually had to come to terms with. The man I loved f$%&ed my BEST friend during a rough patch- which he probably created with his very temporary infatuation with my friend.

 

I seriously thought she was my best friend, we'd confide in each other- I thought we had each others backs, forever. How wrong I was. With sooo many things- how didn't I see it sooner. Sometimes I get angry at myself for being so naive. I don't have the same patience that I once did. But I am also not as nice and empathetic as I once was either- which isn't a great way to feel.

Edited November 20, 2014 by DbleBetrayal

[DbleBetrayal]

I wouldn't have been able to be at all forgiving had my wife chosen to have sex with another man. Our marriage would have ended immediately upon me finding out.

 

I know... that's exactly what I always thought I'd do too. Never in my life did I dream to be in this situation. I'm guessing that's what everyone is sure they will do if it happened to them.

[jm2013]

I know... that's exactly what I always thought I'd do too. Never in my life did I dream to be in this situation. I'm guessing that's what everyone is sure they will do if it happened to them.

 

Sometimes I wonder if it is really love that binds people together after an affair or the headaches the BS envisions of joint parenting and the new financial burdens imposed that make giving a reconciliation a shot look more appealing. For instance, let's say you took the BS and the WS and put them at a table after the discovery. We'll say the BS had a month to cool down. If each could walk away without ANY financial obligations or children involved what do you think the rate would be for reconciliation?

[gettingstronger]

Never in my life did I dream to be in this situation. I'm guessing that's what everyone is sure they will do if it happened to them.

 

 

This is what makes it so hard-our reaction goes against everything we thought we would do, almost against our instincts to protect ourselves- we wonder why we feel so strongly for someone that hurt us so badly-its an odd isolating feeling-

 

I wish you peace and healing- thats about all I have for you- oh, and empathy- I totally get it!

[jackslife]

For instance, let's say you took the BS and the WS and put them at a table after the discovery. We'll say the BS had a month to cool down. If each could walk away without ANY financial obligations or children involved what do you think the rate would be for reconciliation?

 

I hate to be cynical. But hypothetically if you did this to every married couple in the US/UK and told them they could walk away without financial obligations or children involved, I doubt more than half would stay together.

 

Sorry for the thread jack.

[jackslife]

It is worth bearing in mind that for 4+ years you have worked through this and (I asssume) been good and happy together. It was only the move back that triggered it.

 

I disagree with the "once a cheater, always a cheater"/"never forgive, never forget" mob on here. Your H, regrets his decision, begged for you to come back and has worked hard at Reconciliation. You've talked to him of your fears and he has been open and talked to you about them.

 

The move has upset you, so go see a counsellor together. Talk things through and continue to heal.

[DbleBetrayal]

 

I disagree with the "once a cheater, always a cheater"/"never forgive, never forget" mob on here. Your H, regrets his decision, begged for you to come back and has worked hard at Reconciliation. You've talked to him of your fears and he has been open and talked to you about them.

 

The move has upset you, so go see a counsellor together. Talk things through and continue to heal.

 

True, I truly believe him when he says he's changed- taking into consideration both his behaviour and in his actions, I see that he has. But the whole experience has turned me into a cynic, and to expect the unexpected- and I can't help thinking like that now. The 'why' has never been answered, or can never be answered in a way that gives me peace. There's always that 'why?'. I mean even after all the details and everything, it's still that one question. His answer is always along the lines of "I f**ked up. I'm so sorry- I don't know why."

 

I need to know WHY. Being back where it happened has triggered me- and the 'why' is what is playing on my mind the most this time, not the details. Second to that is- if I don't know the why and he doesn't know why, than how can he or I prevent it happening again? And the scary thing is- maybe I can't.

 

I most likely do need counselling.

Edited November 20, 2014 by DbleBetrayal

[Gofsttrnlft]

How did you find out? A friend.. or did you actually wake up in walk in on it? I haven't done counselling. I self-counselled for a year afterwards when I split with him- with alcohol, partying and dating other guys. Didn't work. Because everything was done out of aggression and vengeance. I did have some good times during that year, it was like springbreak at times don't get me wrong. But I think all the partying and romances was a band-aid solution to what I'd actually had to come to terms with. The man I loved f$%&ed my BEST friend during a rough patch- which he probably created with his very temporary infatuation with my friend.

 

I seriously thought she was my best friend, we'd confide in each other- I thought we had each others backs, forever. How wrong I was. With sooo many things- how didn't I see it sooner. Sometimes I get angry at myself for being so naive. I don't have the same patience that I once did. But I am also not as nice and empathetic as I once was either- which isn't a great way to feel.

 

 

I did not catch them in the act, but did make it through the door right after the fact. There were some obvious signs of what had happened due to his haste to get her out of the room via the window because he knew I was coming in. Out of about 12 "friends" that were there I found out who was true when she came and got me. After the fact almost all of them, said they knew about what the OM was going to do because he told them. They are no longer in my life... The gal who came and got me did not know what he planned to do probably because he knew her character.

 

I felt naive as well and still do some days. I had always felt some pride in my ability to judge other peoples character. I was way off with this one and still today feel rather stupid about it.

 

My self counseling was just that, I thought I could muddle my way through my feelings by myself. We did go to counseling together at first and stopped when we thought we had the tools to make it through. The IC I am currently doing now is helping a lot. I am starting to have good days again. That feels SO good.

 

I look forward to hearing how you are doing and if anything is working to help you move forward. I wish you well.

[jackslife]

I do think a good counsellor will help you and your marriage.

 

In this instance you'll get a mix of good and bad advice on this site. But talking through with a professional will be an enormous help to both of you.

 

Good luck.

[jm2013]

It is interesting your X best friend appeared to have showed more transparency than your husband did. Did you both fix the rocky marital problems from the past so they don't come to haunt again? Where do you think your relationship would be at if your best friend said "yes" to your husband? Have you asked him that? You feel like plan B because as a BS we all are plan B. I'm sorry you're re-visiting this emotional pain. Your husband will probably never give you the answers you're looking for just like my wife will never give me the answers I'm looking for. It is minimized to "I really messed up". But if you were to open up their brain and analyze that data I'm sure you would see some patterns that may be similar to the following.

 

A) Parts my marriage suck and I had this connection with her best friend. I saw an opportunity and connected on this. I would have left my wife for her but her friend did not want that. It may have felt good to start fresh with a person who is similar to my wife but also enjoys X,Y and Z. So now I know she won't be with me, I'm going to go back to what I had and try to make it work as best as I can. I have invested X amount of time and we have history and I am already comfortable with her.

 

B) My spouse is a good financial supporter but does not invest in me emotionally. I don't feel pretty or I feel like I need to be validated from a 3rd party. When this person at works tells me how amazing I look I get all tingly inside. I know that things are starting to get pushed over the red line but it feels so good. We are both married so I feel more comfortable about doing this. I don't think there will be any type of commitment involved here. My spouse will never find out. My emotions have grown astronomically for this new person and feel like I am in love. I have been weighing the options of leaving my spouse for this person but don't know if that is what I want now. I am unsure if they would leave their spouse too to be together. These are all things I have to take into consideration.

 

C) I just love to have sex with virtually anybody I find attractive who also finds me attractive. I struggle holding commitments long because I thirst for the emotional attention and physical attention of other people. As soon as another person invests this in me I will give them my all. I can give a good outside appearance to hide my internal struggles to keep my PR in check with who I really am internally.

 

D) I got caught up in a moment. I am human and let myself become over taken by the outside world without clearly thinking about what damage my actions would have caused to my spouse and my family. I am greatly sorry for what I have done. I will be 100% honest with my spouse whom I love and should have never betrayed. I don't know how I can forgive myself for doing this. This event only happened one time and I was so filled with guilt and sadness I couldn't hold in the lies and had to tell my spouse of the ultimate betrayal I committed. After I told my spouse what happened it destroyed me internally to see how damaged they had become due to my selfish actions.

 

I want to see my spouse happy and will even offer to leave but let them know I really want the marriage to work. I don't deserve a second chance but if my spouse gives this one chance to me I will be eternally grateful of this and will love and cherish them for the rest of my life. I will do whatever it takes and wait however long it takes to repair the damage I have caused.

 

-------------------------

 

As a BS we may have these thoughts and wonders tucked away in our memory banks that we re-visit here and there. It is like storing something in your attic for years then going up there after awhile and opening the box to find something you haven't seen in a long time. It has been years but as soon as you see it and hold it the memories come rushing back to you like it was yesterday. We hope our WS'S are truly remorseful and would never do such acts again. But one must wonder if the same opportunity arose again years down the road of which path they would really take when they get to that fork in the road once the dust has settled. Would they take their new found forgiveness for granted? These are questions that are extremely variable and can never be answered since each person has FREE WILL. As long as that exists there will always be uncertainty in any event.

 

This is why reconciliation is so hard. I find myself struggling more as time passes. I do love my wife. But I find I am loving her in a different kind of way. At times there is no excitement in me. I used to feel like things were special when we created new experiences and I would love to see her smiling face when I would try to surprise her with something out of the blue. It made me feel good to watch her happy. Those feelings seemed to have vanished from my soul. I do like watching her happy now but the feelings aren't nearly the same. I reflect a lot on how the woman I was married to, my love, managed to set her emotions and body aside from me and invested them into another man for so long.

 

Anyways, I think counseling for you is a good place to start. It is good to let out what is on your mind. You should also be open to your husband. I have been starting to talk to my wife about my new feelings and trying to work through them. I am not hiding these feelings from her. I think they are starting to make her feel uneasy. And at times I think she feels I'm having an affair. She seems to be more attentive to where I'm going or who I'm talking to. Good luck to you and I hope you're able to work through this. Just remember to keep those communication lines open.

[DbleBetrayal]

It is interesting your X best friend appeared to have showed more transparency than your husband did. Did you both fix the rocky marital problems from the past so they don't come to haunt again? Where do you think your relationship would be at if your best friend said "yes" to your husband? Have you asked him that? You feel like plan B because as a BS we all are plan B. I'm sorry you're re-visiting this emotional pain. Your husband will probably never give you the answers you're looking for just like my wife will never give me the answers I'm looking for. It is minimized to "I really messed up". But if you were to open up their brain and analyze that data I'm sure you would see some patterns that may be similar to the following.

 

A) Parts my marriage suck and I had this connection with her best friend. I saw an opportunity and connected on this. I would have left my wife for her but her friend did not want that. It may have felt good to start fresh with a person who is similar to my wife but also enjoys X,Y and Z. So now I know she won't be with me, I'm going to go back to what I had and try to make it work as best as I can. I have invested X amount of time and we have history and I am already comfortable with her.

 

B) My spouse is a good financial supporter but does not invest in me emotionally. I don't feel pretty or I feel like I need to be validated from a 3rd party. When this person at works tells me how amazing I look I get all tingly inside. I know that things are starting to get pushed over the red line but it feels so good. We are both married so I feel more comfortable about doing this. I don't think there will be any type of commitment involved here. My spouse will never find out. My emotions have grown astronomically for this new person and feel like I am in love. I have been weighing the options of leaving my spouse for this person but don't know if that is what I want now. I am unsure if they would leave their spouse too to be together. These are all things I have to take into consideration.

 

C) I just love to have sex with virtually anybody I find attractive who also finds me attractive. I struggle holding commitments long because I thirst for the emotional attention and physical attention of other people. As soon as another person invests this in me I will give them my all. I can give a good outside appearance to hide my internal struggles to keep my PR in check with who I really am internally.

 

D) I got caught up in a moment. I am human and let myself become over taken by the outside world without clearly thinking about what damage my actions would have caused to my spouse and my family. I am greatly sorry for what I have done. I will be 100% honest with my spouse whom I love and should have never betrayed. I don't know how I can forgive myself for doing this. This event only happened one time and I was so filled with guilt and sadness I couldn't hold in the lies and had to tell my spouse of the ultimate betrayal I committed. After I told my spouse what happened it destroyed me internally to see how damaged they had become due to my selfish actions.

 

I want to see my spouse happy and will even offer to leave but let them know I really want the marriage to work. I don't deserve a second chance but if my spouse gives this one chance to me I will be eternally grateful of this and will love and cherish them for the rest of my life. I will do whatever it takes and wait however long it takes to repair the damage I have caused.

 

-------------------------

 

As a BS we may have these thoughts and wonders tucked away in our memory banks that we re-visit here and there. It is like storing something in your attic for years then going up there after awhile and opening the box to find something you haven't seen in a long time. It has been years but as soon as you see it and hold it the memories come rushing back to you like it was yesterday. We hope our WS'S are truly remorseful and would never do such acts again. But one must wonder if the same opportunity arose again years down the road of which path they would really take when they get to that fork in the road once the dust has settled. Would they take their new found forgiveness for granted? These are questions that are extremely variable and can never be answered since each person has FREE WILL. As long as that exists there will always be uncertainty in any event.

 

This is why reconciliation is so hard. I find myself struggling more as time passes. I do love my wife. But I find I am loving her in a different kind of way. At times there is no excitement in me. I used to feel like things were special when we created new experiences and I would love to see her smiling face when I would try to surprise her with something out of the blue. It made me feel good to watch her happy. Those feelings seemed to have vanished from my soul. I do like watching her happy now but the feelings aren't nearly the same. I reflect a lot on how the woman I was married to, my love, managed to set her emotions and body aside from me and invested them into another man for so long.

 

Anyways, I think counseling for you is a good place to start. It is good to let out what is on your mind. You should also be open to your husband. I have been starting to talk to my wife about my new feelings and trying to work through them. I am not hiding these feelings from her. I think they are starting to make her feel uneasy. And at times I think she feels I'm having an affair. She seems to be more attentive to where I'm going or who I'm talking to. Good luck to you and I hope you're able to work through this. Just remember to keep those communication lines open.

 

I believe it would be A, also I know what you mean and how you feel.

 

My best friend was more transparent with me because she new I was going to kill her or severely harm her if she wasn't. Plus she didn't delete the emails like my husband did, so she had something to show under threat. Also, she was the one to show more remorse for what happened that night than my husband from what I read in the emails following there disgusting, tacky indiscretion. To my ex best friend, it was some sort of sickening kinky challenge and revenge on her own partner, who she suspected was cheating on her. She also baited him with things she knew. As she was my best friend- I confided in her our relationship problems, so she knew what she could say and do to get him vulnerable and feel our relationship wasn't up to scratch. She met up with him during the day for lunch, twice, before actual sex took place that night. My husband says it was just a friendly catch up, nothing malicious. Yeah right. If it was so casual- than why keep it a secret, and why wasn't I invited. Just inviting bullsh*t to happen is what it was.

 

I remember the night it happened (the actual physical cheating)- it was August 6th 2010- 4 days after my 26th birthday (in fact the whole point of the night was celebrate my birthday! My own damn birthday is forever a trigger now). We had about 10-12 people over our house all up, some my friends some his friends. We were all sitting around the fire in the backyard listening to music, talking. My husband and my ex-best friend told everyone they were going to pick up cigarettes and other things from the store up the road from our house. I didn't think 2 thoughts about it, obviously. They were my best friend and husband, nothing to worry about, right. Funny thing is, I still didn't suspect anything when they still hadn't arrived back after 45 minutes or so (to the store and back, should have taken maximum 15 minutes). I kick myself for not even questioning this at the time. I mean, things like that never even crossed my mind back than. However, my husbands male friend sure noticed. I was talking to my other girl friend at the time when my husbands friend calls out to me, in a cheeky sort of way "Hey Jasmine! Where's Chris and Sarah?! They are taking a while hey! Wonder why". He was drunk at the time- I got what he was trying to get at, I thought it was in a joking way- I just said, "I don't know?! Hmmm... well I'll tell you something- I don't trust him but I trust her! So whatever! hahaha". I also meant that in a joking way... little did I know I was half right.

 

What was actually taking place was that, on the way back from the store they had started kissing- they than walked down someone elses driveway next to our house, in the middle of the night and had sex on the ground. No condom. F*%king disturbing.

 

When they were done, they had the plan to get my ex- best friend to come down to the back yard first (where we all were), with out my husband- and tell everyone that my husband ran into an old friend at the store and they are talking for ages. She than said she was tired, and went inside to sleep on the couch. Later my husband came down. I suspected nothing. I than said to my husband, I am also tired and going to bed. He stayed up drinking with his mates; one in which he confided in what had just happened. He than went into the lounge room, where my ex best friend was 'sleeping' on the couch- and while everyone was outside still drinking and chatting- and I was in the next room asleep. He woke her up- and they had sex again. F&*king piece of ****.

 

I suspected nothing.

 

The weirdest thing is, that night I introduced my other girl friend to my husbands friend (the same one my husband had just confided in what he just did!) as she was single looking to mingle. They ended up in a serious relationship after that night! (Infact they are married with a child now) Unfortunately for my husband, because that's how I found out. His friend told my girl friend; who told me. She found out what happened 8 weeks after it happened, and it took her a further 8 weeks to come clean to me with what she knew. Had I not hooked those two up, I would never have found out.

 

I also never suspected a thing because my ex-best friend began dating a new guy from her work and 2 weeks after my husband and her screwed, we had anther party. And she invited her new man. I remember thinking he was a real nice guy, and telling my best friend this. I remember my husband saying "I don't like him- don't know why, just don't". I was like "Huh? why?". Now I know. The next day, he emailed her. I don't know what he emailed her- I didn't have the stomach to read more; but I read her reply to it. And from her reply I can gather what he would have written. let's just say, he wasn't happy she moved on so quick- and he was way over his head by than. This was her email to him;

 

"Chris I've got to tell you that I totally don't understand you at the moment at all. Last night I was very uncomfortable and just had to leave. I went home ALONE. You love Jasmine you always have and there is no need to jeopardise a 7 year relationship for what would be nothing more than a few hook ups. Even if Jasmine wasn't such a big part of your life and my BEST friend we would still not work together because we are at different points in our life. I have a daughter and I want a man to settle down with I want to have a normal family life and kids and all that, I am over going out I'd rather spent time at home with my daughter. And what do you think will happen anyway how do you think Jasmine will react or feel, and don't you care??? She loves you Chris, she really does! I really like you as a mate I love all of us hanging out and drinking and being close and I don't want to **** up a million friendships over this. So please just really think about it and lets just be friends. Last night I heard her say "he likes her", she was ****ing hurting and trying to be with you!!! I was hurting for her so I just left.

 

 

Funny thing is, as a joke- I did say "he likes her"- makes me think perhaps I was slightly clued on back than, but I never thought it was a possibility so it never really went deep.

 

His reply to this-

 

"Your right sorry about been rude last night, friends is good. We're still having trouble getting the yellow stain out of the shower LOL have a good week."

 

I asked him, wtf he mean about the 'yellow stain', he said he walked into the bathroom and she was drunk pissing in the shower when there was a hold up at the toilet. How delightful.

 

I don't why I am telling you all all this, but it's these things that go around in my head.

 

The way it was all exposed to me is anther story all on it's own. My husbands initial reaction to my discovery was pretty effed up too.

Edited November 20, 2014 by DbleBetrayal

[DbleBetrayal]

It is interesting your X best friend appeared to have showed more transparency than your husband did. Did you both fix the rocky marital problems from the past so they don't come to haunt again? Where do you think your relationship would be at if your best friend said "yes" to your husband? Have you asked him that? You feel like plan B because as a BS we all are plan B. I'm sorry you're re-visiting this emotional pain. Your husband will probably never give you the answers you're looking for just like my wife will never give me the answers I'm looking for. It is minimized to "I really messed up". But if you were to open up their brain and analyze that data I'm sure you would see some patterns that may be similar to the following.

 

I certainty DId ask him what our relationship would be had she said yes. He says "I don't know why I asked that, but I never really would have left you even if she had". Of course, how can I believe that. I always tell him, HOW am I to know or STOP feeling like I was a back up plan after that crap- on top of everything else? Ugh. Makes me so angry.

Edited November 20, 2014 by DbleBetrayal

[DbleBetrayal]

 

I felt naive as well and still do some days. I had always felt some pride in my ability to judge other peoples character. I was way off with this one and still today feel rather stupid about it.

.

 

Yeah, definitely know what you mean. Not being able to trust your own judgement is really unsettling. So now, for me it's like- just do not give anyone the benefit of the doubt. If that can happen, anything can happen.

[jm2013]

Wow. Sorry you're still going through all that pain. I know each of us have our own messed up stories but your story runs deep in betrayal. That's a double slap in your face especially on your birthday. A day that was supposed to be special and to celebrate your continued existence was shattered by your husband and best friend's poor choices. Did these feelings only come back when you visited the old town or have they always been there since this happened?

 

This one really gets me

 

"And what do you think will happen anyway how do you think Jasmine will react or feel, and don't you care??? She loves you Chris, she really does!"

 

So your best friend screws your husband then gives some sort of care about your feelings of why they couldn't be together. This is so weird and wrong on so many levels. When was the last time you and your husband were in counseling? Did you have some archive of this stuff or do you vividly remember it all to quote it out exactly like you did?

[DbleBetrayal]

Wow. Sorry you're still going through all that pain. I know each of us have our own messed up stories but your story runs deep in betrayal. That's a double slap in your face especially on your birthday. A day that was supposed to be special and to celebrate your continued existence was shattered by your husband and best friend's poor choices. Did these feelings only come back when you visited the old town or have they always been there since this happened?

 

This one really gets me

 

"And what do you think will happen anyway how do you think Jasmine will react or feel, and don't you care??? She loves you Chris, she really does!"

 

So your best friend screws your husband then gives some sort of care about your feelings of why they couldn't be together. This is so weird and wrong on so many levels. When was the last time you and your husband were in counseling? Did you have some archive of this stuff or do you vividly remember it all to quote it out exactly like you did?

 

The feelings I am having now was only this intense when I first found out- I found out 1st January 2011- 4 months later, in a very odd way. It was too much hurt to bear, which is why I split. I was out of my mind that entire year. I never did counselling though, I went out with single friends, concentrated hard at work, drank my misery away every weekend; I wanted to not think about it and not make time to. All the while my husband was desperately trying to reconcile. He said to me around the end of 2011 that he applied for a job in a different state because he couldn't deal with being around here with reminders of me everywhere and what he did to destroy us. He said if I came with him, we could start everything new and he'll make it up to me forever. I still loved him and wanted us to work (and being back on the dating scene really sucks- especially with issues), so I said yes. So 2012 we reconciled. The new location took my mind of everything, I didn't even think about it, I really pushed it to the back of my mind. But we also started missing our families too, so we moved back beginning off this year. Never thought this would happen, but it's been trigger-central ever since.

 

You ask how I vividly remember all this stuff- I've always been told I had a photographic memory (unfortunately for some). I also have photos that were taken earlier that night too, with "best" friend and I with our arms around each other smiling into the camera. Makes me Sick. Also, my friends now husband knew what happened that night, and could re-account details if I missed anything. My husband also told me everything that happened that night, the parts no one knew but him. The email from ex-best friend I kept it. Not sure why, but it was very telling in it who showed the most remorse.

 

We haven't had couples counselling. But I think, in this case- it needs to happen.

Edited November 22, 2014 by DbleBetrayal